Poop Story #3

This isn’t really a story. Well, I guess it’s several stories. Sort of like the rankings on powerliftingwatch.com, I’m starting a web database for record-setting performances. Except my rankings are in the field of poop (and I promise I will never charge for them.)

Three initial records to get you started:

#1 Length Division: In 1995, Ari the Armenian wrestler took an enormously lengthy dump in the dorm bathroom. He didn’t want to obscure it with toilet paper so he shuffled into the next stall and wiped. Then he went to get his roommate Don (soccer and wrestling team, long haired, but quite reliable) to witness his accomplishment. Don brought a ruler and after careful measurement determined that the unbroken coil of poop measured 36 inches long. The two went to spread the word. Numerous other dormmates witnessed this spectacle, and someone went looking for a camera (this was before the digital age). Then, tragedy struck. Amidst the excitement and chaos, nobody was guarding the stall, and someone flushed it. In the poop world, this was a cataclysm similar to the sacking of Constantinople in 1453 and the Turks getting their hands on the priceless treasures within.

#1 Girth Division: In 2004, in Fort Bragg, NC, while I was at a secret military training facility, several of us enlisted men discovered a horrific/wonderful/bizarre sight in one of the barracks toilets. This turd was approximately the length (12″) and circumference (17″) of my upper arm (yes, I just went into the bathroom, looked at my arm in the mirror, decided that the comparison was apt, then measured my arm) Besides its shocking, anus-destroying diameter, the other notable feature of this poop was its angle. It jutted straight out at a 45 degree angle from the bowl, so that needless to say, at least 65% of it was out of the water. One scientifically-minded soldier speculated that, based on its trajectory and uprightness, the dumper had to have stood up in order to finish the dump and leave it in that position. I agreed that there was no way for the poop to have been completed with anyone actually sitting on the toilet, but mused that the position was unintentional – it might have burst out so quickly that he was thrown from the toilet (surely with a yell of surprise and outrage), possibly causing him to finish with a forward roll. Whether intentional or not, the dumper was evidently pleased by his creation, for he also chose not to conceal it with even a single scrap of toilet paper. Several of us took pictures with our mobile phones (if i ever find this, I’ll post it) and then we were forced to destroy the monster. We had a barracks inspection every morning, and, while some sergeants might find the turd humorous or even admirable, others would certainly not. Debate arose – Could such a thing even be flushed? Only one way to find out. I can’t remember who took the risk/got the honor of hitting the handle. Turns out both sides of the argument were partially correct. The first flush was ineffective, and raised the level of water in the bowl to ominous levels, but it served to break the mighty turd, so that a second flushing erased nearly all traces. An interesting side note: by the time of the flushing, there were nearly a dozen witnesses, and we determined that it was 99% likely that whoever took the dump was among the crowd.

Honorable Mention – Foreign Object Division: In 1999, when I was living in a frat house, my friend Greg bought a sack of potatoes (yes he was Irish, but it has no relevance to the story). He cooked a number of them, and the remainder we threw at each other. When I returned home from class one day, his roommate, Franco, opened their apartment door and threw a potato down the stairs at me. I caught it, and Franco beat a hasty retreat down his hallway, leaving the apartment door open. I fired the potato back at him. The potato travelled up a flight of stairs, down their apartment hallway, into their bathroom and directly into the toilet bowl. Impressive if I do say so myself. Not that the distance involved was exceedingly long, but it had to be a very straight throw to not hit the ceiling or the walls. Anyway, none of those guys (btw they were drinking – this should not come as a surprise) wanted to reach into the toilet and take the potato out. So they just pissed on it. Then Greg took a dump later and forgot that the potato was in there and flushed the toilet. The potato, amazingly, went down the pipe but got clogged and required the services of a plumber to remove. Both Greg (future NYPD detective) and Franco (future investment banker) tried to get me to pay all or part of this plumber bill, but I stood my ground.

Feel free to contribute your own records in the comments.