Poop Story #3

This isn’t really a story. Well, I guess it’s several stories. Sort of like the rankings on powerliftingwatch.com, I’m starting a web database for record-setting performances.  Except my rankings are in the field of poop (and I promise I will never charge for them.)

Three initial records to get you started:

#1 Length Division: In 1995, Ray the Armenian wrestler took an enormously lengthy dump in the dorm bathroom.  He didn’t want to obscure it with toilet paper so he shuffled into the next stall and wiped.  Then he went to get his roommate Donny (soccer and wrestling team, long haired, but quite reliable) to witness his accomplishment.  Donny brought a ruler, and after careful measurement determined that the unbroken coil of poop measured 36 inches long.  The two went to spread the word.  Numerous other dormmates witnessed this spectacle, and someone went looking for a camera (this was before the digital age).  Then, tragedy struck. Amidst the excitement and chaos, nobody was guarding the stall, and someone flushed it.  In the poop world, this was a cataclysm similar to the sacking of Constantinople in 1453 and the Turks getting their hands on the priceless treasures within.

#1 Girth Division: In 2004, in Fort Bragg, NC, while I was at a secret military training facility, several of us enlisted men discovered a horrific/wonderful/bizarre site in one of the barracks toilets.  This turd was approximately the length (12″) and circumference (17″) of my upper arm (yes, I just went into the bathroom, looked at my arm in the mirror and decided that the comparison was apt, then measured my arm) Besides its shocking, anus-destroying diameter, the other notable feature of this poop was its angle.  It jutted straight out at 45 degree angle from the bowl, so that needless to say, at least 65% of it was out of the water.  One scientifically-minded soldier speculated that based on its trajectory and uprightness, the dumper had to have stood up in order to finish the dump and leave it in that position.  I agreed that there was no way for the poop to have been completed with anyone actually sitting on the toilet, but mused that the position was unintentional – it might have burst out so quickly that he was thrown from the toilet (surely with a yell of surprise and outrage), possibly causing him to finish with a forward roll.  Whether intentional or not, the dumper was evidently pleased by his creation, for he also chose not to conceal it with even a single scrap of toilet paper.  Several of us took pictures with our mobile phones (if i ever find this, I’ll post it) and then we were forced to destroy the monster.  We had a barracks inspection every morning, and, while some sergeants might find the turd humorous or even admirable, others would certainly not.  Debate arose – Could such a thing even be flushed?  Only one way to find out.  I can’t remember who took the risk/got the honor of hitting the handle.  Turns out both sides of the argument were partially correct.  The first flush was ineffective, and raised the level of water in the bowl to ominous levels, but it served to break the mighty turd, so that a second flushing erased nearly all traces.  An interesting side note: by the time of the flushing, there were nearly a dozen witnesses, and we determined that it was 99% likely that whoever took the dump was among the crowd.

Honorable Mention – Foreign Object Division: In 1999, when I was living in a frat house, my friend Gary brought a sack of potatoes (yes he was Irish, but it has no relevance to the story).  He cooked a number of them, and the remainder we threw at each other.  When I returned home from class one day, his roommate, Franco, opened their apartment door and threw a potato down the stairs at me.  I caught it, and Franco beat a hasty retreat down his hallway, leaving the apartment door open.  I fired the potato back at him.  The potato travelled up a flight of stairs, down their apartment hallway, into their bathroom and directly into the toilet bowl.  Impressive if I do say so myself.  Not that the distance involved was exceedingly long, but it had to be a very straight throw to not hit the ceiling or the walls.  Anyway, none of those guys (btw they were drinking – this should not come as a surprise) wanted to reach into the toilet and take the potato out.  So they just pissed on it.  Then Gary took a dump later and forgot that the potato was in there and flushed the toilet.  The potato, amazingly, went down the pipe but got clogged and required the services of a plumber to remove.  Both Gary (future NYPD detective) and Franco (future investment banker) tried to get me to pay all or part of this plumber bill, but I stood my ground.

Feel free to contribute your own records in comments


20 thoughts on “Poop Story #3

  1. Born and raised in NC. Used to spend xmas at my grandparents in Fayetnam. I seem to remember you posting something about a move coming up, moving back to the beautiful cultural hub that is Fayettevile?

  2. nah man, that place is fucking depressing unless you need a strip club, a custom boot sole, or a payday loan. and if you do need any of those things, it’s even more depressing. i don’t know what’s worse, fayetteville or columbus ga. dead heat.

  3. From what I remember they also have lots of pawn shops, tattoo parlors, and barbers. The thing I remember most is some pet shop that had a huge indoor pond filled with caiman that had a bridge going over it

    • yeah there’s this big strip outside both bases that I’ve described as the background in a cartoon where pink panther is running and they just draw the same set of buildings over and over again.

      some of those things are pretty handy though if you’re a joe living on base, i’m thinking of the mil supply stores, the barbers, and (before ACUs especially) the Korean sew shops.

      you don’t realize until you need something like that in a hurry and you are somewhere non-military, say on TDY. Like try getting a fresh set of BDUs, nametape/army tape printed, unit patches and jump wings sewn all within 2 hours. While you’re in Connecticut.

  4. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I’m mirin your first post on this blog. That’s dedication.

    Also how was going into the Army after college?

    • thanks man, it was pretty good. i coulda been an officer but did not want to and was glad i did not. i got to be an e4 which meant i got paid more and promoted to sergeant faster. There’s a slight, slight bias against “college E-4s” among privates, but as long as you conduct yourself with the minimum of normalcy and discretion (eg. not talking about how smart you are, being competent at your actual job, not being stuck up) it won’t be a problem. My roommate was like 35 going on 70 and had a masters degree and he was well-liked.
      at times you will have a sergeant who is a dumb-ass, and you just have to deal. but the guys who are 18 will be able to recognize him as a dumb ass just as easily.

      • Doesn’t sound too bad. There is dumbassery everywhere I suppose. It’s something I’ve thought about doing. Like I’d probably be in ait right now but I got dq’d at meps for having gauged ears that you could barely see through. Twas some bullshit.

        • twas. surprised to hear it. i don’t know if they raised the standards, don’t need as many guys or what, but I went to airborne school with a guy who had an attempted murder conviction for shooting his stepdad. knew a staff sergeant with a latin kings tattoo on his neck
          was in the recruiters office one time and this guy calls and my recruiter takes the call…mm-hmm, mm-hmm, hang on let me check, hand over mouthpiece, to station chief: “will we take a guy with an armed robbery conviction”
          chief: “how long ago”
          recruiter: “hang on”….”okay he’s calling from prison, he has 3 months left to serve”
          chief (eagerly): “get some kind of contact info!”
          otoh this guy was dq’d at reception, he had nazi tats all over him, his recruiter probably thought no one would notice.

          • Lol Jesus… yeah it’s definitely a lot stricter now. They consider it “bodily mutilation” or some such nonsense. I never though of the many stupid things I did in college that would be the one that caused problems.

  5. Pingback: Canadian Poop Clap | Coach's Blog

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