So Rex turned 10 like a month and a half ago but we have been busy so the only time we could have a birthday party for him was this weekend. It’s hard for Quincy to understand why he should seemingly get two birthdays (since six weeks is an eternity to a toddler – i doubt she even remembers his actual birthday), and she thinks he’s turning 11.
A few days ago during lunch…
Quincy: I want to be five!!! (Followed by list of other demands: having a sixth birthday party, choosing her own age, celebrating multiple birthdays per year, etc)
Me: Fine. (Makes cross in air but with horn sign instead of hand of benediction) There you go. You’re five. Now eat your sandwich.
I recall temporarily making Rex three shortly after his fourth birthday. It quelled his misbehavior (after some pleading i reset him to four several days later) and I guess gave me the ability to increment or decrement children’s ages at will.
It was a Pokémon-themed party. Karena made these.
Karena: WHAT DO YOU THINK
Me: They’re great honey.
Karena: NO TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK
oh the classic “do i look fat in this – no tell me what you really think – i want you to be honest” but i foolishly didn’t recognize it in its Pokeball guise.
Me: Well they look like they were made with love. They are for a kid’s birthday party… All that really matters is how they taste, right? And I’m sure they taste great. It’s fine. Everybody knows that they are homemade and you worked hard on them.
anyway, she made 38 pokeballs for a scavenger hunt. I made three Master Balls.
Made with love.
You got a little plastic pokemon figurine for each pokeball you found and if you found a Master Ball got a tiny Jenga set and a large candy bar (limit one Master Ball prize per child).
Also there would be some toddlers in attendance so we decided to make a cornbox. The kids played in one for hours at the pumpkin patch (back in october i’m too lazy to find the link you can do it) This is just like a sandbox but with corn kernels. So generally tidier though you’re still gonna get a bit dusty and some kernels in your sock or diaper or etc depending on how vigorously you play in it.
100 pounds of corn. I bought 200, and that would be the correct amount if I wanted to fill the thing to the brim but I realized that this wouldn’t be optimal.
Coach Jr was a little reluctant to get in it at first but soon he was throwing handfuls of corn out of it with great abandon.
Then the older kids discovered it. Rex has two groups of friends, one set from boy scouts and one set from jiu-jitsu. Well, one of the boy scouts got in it and leaned back and opened his mouth and closed his eyes, and the other one poured an entire bucket of corn onto his face, completely filling his mouth. The kid just laid there looking pleased with a mouthful of corn for about a minute. I was the supervisory adult at the time.
Me: uh, maybe you should spit that out so you don’t get dysentery?
Eventually he did.
Kid (pointing): He put corn in my mouth.
What the area looked like about an hour after the party ended.
I don’t have any pictures of how the garage floor looked but let’s just say it got to the point that when a kid deliberately threw a handful of corn into the garage, it only elicited a mild “hey, knock it off” from me.
We probably shouldn’t have set the thing so close to the garage. The plan was that I wouldn’t have to drag it far when the party was over; we’d securely cover it and store it in the garage for later play.
But both of us forgot about the “securely cover” part of the plan…
Karena: YOU COULD PUT A TARP OVER IT OR SOMETHING
Me: holy shit the mice will be swimming in that thing like Scrooge McDuck in his money bin.
In the end I swept it all* up and shoveled it into a wheelbarrow and dumped it all into the muddy weedy hole in my neighbor’s yard that used to be a pond. My neighbor has given me permission to fill it up with “leaves and stuff.” He’s never mentioned 98 pounds of corn but it’s organic and hopefully deer will eat it tonight. Yes this is a giant waste of eight dollars of not-human-edible corn i’m sorry at least if we had used sand, stray cats could have pooped in it
*I estimate we’ll be finding corn in the house, the garage, the driveway and the yard until approximately 2023.
Karena bought the entire stock of foam nunchuks from the local dollar store. Now it was the jiu-jitsu kids’ turn to act up. One of them nunchakued (sp) another guy in the face because he threw a stick at him so he tackled the guy or maybe it was the other way around but someone had a bloody lip. My father-in-law was the supervisory adult this time but for some reason they ran and told me.
Me: don’t do that again.
Poor Coach Jr could not keep up.
But finally got hold of a set
Promptly put eye out.
Crying because she didn’t get to blow candles out.
Rex: You’re not five!
Quincy: Yes I am!!
Karena: WHY IS QUINCY SAYING SHE’S FIVE
Me: it’s fine i made her five.
Quincy: In December I turn six!
Karena: THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA.
Me: Oh so you’ll pretend that she’s a cat or a baby cookie but she can’t be a year older?
Quincy: Dad, punish Rex and Mom for saying that I’m not five.
yes i know it’s the 29th