Welcome brave adventurer! You enter the dilapidated and pestilent catacombs. The ancient fluorescent torch flickers overhead. The smell of decay is heavy in the air. Roll d100.
01-20 Rat poop. Unless you’re wearing gloves, roll on the infectious disease table. If you are wearing gloves, discard them and buy a new pair.
21-25 Dead bugs. They got in but couldn’t get out. Perhaps you’ll suffer the same fate.
25-30 Wasp attack. 1d12 enraged insects try to sting the fuck out of you. If you’ve brought your trusty spray of carcinogenic foam, commence battle – else roll a six sided die to retreat:
1 – 3: ouch. Roll d20 to determine the number of stings.
4: trip over rusty rake and injure self. Wasps too busy laughing to sting you. Crawl away moaning
5 – 6: Escape shrieking and flailing into the sunlight. Roll d8 to count the number of neighbors who witness this
31-34 Dead rat. Roll d6 if you like. But no matter what you roll, its corpse is disgusting and stuck to something.
35 Lord of Rats. It is the size of a possum. It has been living here longer than you. There’s no food in the shed so it has had to eat other rodents and drink toxic cleansers. It’s pissed about the mousetraps – and you’re in its bathroom. There’s no time to get a gun. Heft your trusty axe and/or sledgehammer and roll to see who gets initiative.
36-51 Rusty nail, screw, or miscellaneous sharp metal thing. Roll saving throw for tetanus.
52-60 Tool. Roll d10:
1-6: obviously trash. Discard and roll again
7: mystery item. Ponder what this once did, why your wife’s late great uncle had it in his shed, and recognize your own mortality…someday an adventurer will handle your treasured items. Lose 1-5 minutes. Discard item.
8: not something you could use but maybe your father-in-law, wife, poor people, or someone on the internet could… Discard before they learn of it.
9: useful and fully functional tool… But you own a better/newer one and you don’t need two. Move it back and forth across the shed 2d4 times looking for a place to put it
10: useful and expensive tool – This item is worth a good bit of money. You know because you bought one last week.
Randomly pick one of these: wood, weed, insect, leather, rodent, rust, furniture, metal, engine
And one of these: solvent, cleaner, poison, degreaser, polish, enamel, lubricant, repellant
Contents under pressure. Container may be a bit degraded. Use at your own risk.
71-80 Digital treasure – You’ve found electronic or computer equipment worth hundreds or thousands of dollars – if it was in good condition…and it was still 1991.
81-90 fake treasure – it’s still in the package! But it’s from the 1980s and either decomposing or a part to something they don’t even make anymore. Discard but feel guilty.
91-97 cursed motor oil of environmental remorse – you could just chuck it in the trash but if your wisdom is over 8 you’ll be compelled to lug it to be disposed of properly
98 magical weapon +5 gasoline powered hedge trimmer. LGU must have left this item to aid you with your next quest against the bushes of doom and/or your fingers.
99 Mystery tome 1883 copy of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Pretty cool. But also gnawed on and bloodstained so perhaps it should stay where it is for now.
00 Cursed artifact – You’ve unearthed the Patio Furniture of Antiquity! The discoverer of this relic can see it for what it is – a worthless set of rusty tables and chairs. But all of his relatives will be deceived by a magical curse. Not only will they believe that it is of immense value but they will be under the illusion that they had been had been planning for years to repair and repaint this furniture. If the discoverer attempts to give or throw away the furniture, his relatives will fly into a frenzy and demand that he immediately undertake a perilous quest to effect its recovery.
Someone rolled 00.