Jhumpa Lahiri Mad Libs

reprinted from The New Yorker ca 2011

(Winner of the __year___   __literary award__  )

I had not seen ___Foreign Name___ in many years, not since our parents were __nationality__ immigrants living in ___posh suburb___. Life was very difficult. My father had a doctorate in __medicine, law or engineering__ from __Ivy League college___. His name was _foreign name___ but we called him __nonsense word___. My mother’s name was __foreign name___ but we called her __gibberish__, which is a sign of respect.

My mother had a difficult upbringing in one of her country’s wealthiest families. Imagine the hardships they faced coming to America with only one post-graduate degree between them. And she never truly got used to America. It was difficult for her to be a stay-at-home mom with one child in such a large, opulent house. Back then, of course, they lived in __upscale urban neighborhood__ and my father taught at the university.

Fitting in was difficult. My mother would not let me wear the stiletto heels and fishnet stockings that my junior high school classmates wore.

“Please, mother,” I would say, “I want to look like a whorish American girl.”

“No,” she would reply, “These Americans are __insulting undefined nonsense word__. You will wear the __made-up article of clothing__, a modest and traditional garment.”

Also we ate strange foods. It was so embarassing. I just wanted the lardburgers and sugary cereals that my obese, spoiled classmates ate. But my parents insisted on serving __made-up food__, a bitter, pungent, traditional dish made of __ingredient___ , as well as __made-up food__, which is similar but really, really spicy. And it was difficult being the only child in my elementary school who had memorized Virgil’s Aeneid or Pi to 10,000 digits, so surely I was doomed to a life of wealthy, tedious, intellectual privilege.

But adolescence was difficult. I met __someone’s name__ and everything changed. I started following them around and imitating their wanton American customs. I entered puberty and my __body part (plural)___ grew larger. My __body part___ began sprouting hair, which made me feel like a real woman, just like __older woman’s name___.

I kissed a boy – with tongue. Instead of calculus camp, I took a college class in __artistic field of study____. And at a graduation party for __typical slutty, meaningless American girl name____, one of the heavily made-up American trollops I befriended, I drank a beer.

Today I am happily married and have __number___ degrees and __number____ lovely children and __giant number___ dollars.

But I was shocked to learn that when I was ___age_____, a poignant tragedy happened to __name of close friend or relative__. It was difficult. I will now end the story here so the tragedy will be fresh in your mind when awarding the ___literary prize____.

Your ideal weight

Today was a healthy weight.

From https://blog.myfitnesspal.com/weight-just-number/ 

For example, a 30-year-old woman who is 5-foot-4 would be considered within a healthy range if she weighed between 107–145 pounds… a woman who has solid muscle mass may weigh more — does that mean she needs to risk losing that muscle just to reach a lower number?

 -Elizabeth Millard 

Answer: Yes.

What’s the healthy number of cigarettes to smoke a day? Is it a range of 0-20? But more if the woman has strong lungs? If you are 5’4, 145, you look fat and you’re carrying around gallons of excess adipose tissue which is not great for your health. I’m pretty sure every actual woman recognizes this – which is why the only woman who wants to be 5’4 145 is one who currently weighs 185.

[Re: BMI] Technically, Arnold Schwarzenegger is considered obese. 

 -Elizabeth Millard 

I’m so fucking sick of hearing this. I fell for this myself. First of all Arnold was on steroids. Second of all anyone reading this is not Arnold. Third of all if you look fat it’s not because you have too much muscle, because you’re big boned, or ethnically privileged. Lose weight.

Just cookin cocaine

Whippin girl for you 

-troy ave

I don’t usually like the posting of food. 

#AndyandEmma #uncharacteristicallyhealthyportrayalofhowiactuallyeat #locally sourced non GMO paleo gluten free superiority #gonnamashthiswithmyteethandpoopitoutlater

IDK i found it pleasing and felt like it so deal.

Also yes i drink a lot of coffee. But it’s mixed with almond milk. It’s in the pyrex measuring cup more bc that way i don’t have to get up from table repeatedly than bc of anal retentive measurement requirements.

Book is infinite jest which i read already but don’t remember half of. 

I once cut off the tip of my finger and concentrated on it really hard for like three days and it grew back.


three large woodpeckers

I am a big fan of the movie Unleashed. I mentioned this in a juvenile post from 2005 where i described it as “the bomb.”  I intentionally (you’ll have to trust me on this) affected an idiotic Beavis and Butthead writing style back then but still.

1. Karena doesn’t like it. This encourages me to say things like “it established Jet Li as one of the greatest actors of our generation” or “it should have won the best picture Oscar in three different years” i.e. things that i don’t actually believe 100% but are calculated to provoke her.

2. Morgan Freeman has a white daughter. No one but me seems interested by this. I guess he’s blind so maybe he doesn’t know.

3. I’m willing to bet the original script called for a romance between Freeman’s daughter (Kerry Condon) and Jet Li. It would have made sense plotwise i mean here’s a guy who’s living at your house and defending your family and you’re teaching him how to be human (which is how a lot of relationships blossom in RL). But i imagine someone pointed out that it’s kind of weird to have a 42 year old guy with the mind of a child/dog romancing a high schooler (Condon was actually 22) Regardless they decided to leave in all the scenes where they are bonding, feeding each other ice cream, skipping thru the rain etc. This creates a vibe which i describe as “unresolved romantic tension” and Karena describes as “creepy”

4. I like the fight scenes at the beginning especially when Jet Li kills a guy with one punch. It’s a little unrealistic that there’s this underground fight club that has dozens of weekly? fatalities but still cool.

5. Michael Ian Lambert has a memorable role as “the end guy” basically a white guy in pajamas with a machete. spoiler alert jet li beats him but it’s a sick fight.

6. Just like in real life how nobody is totally evil and everyone thinks they’re doing what’s right the bad guy (Bob Hoskins) is somewhat complicated and makes you feel a tiny bit bad for him. Well it made me feel bad for him. Or i don’t know maybe it’s the moral ambiguity about killing prostitutes and stealing their children (your children?) and raising them in a cage. At least he taught Danny a valuable skill. There’s some philosophical and or parenting lessons in here for sure but I’ll leave that to the experts. 

Also go see El Infierno if you have not
coach Jr’s arm looks apishly proportioned

Infinite Jest 2

I’ve been renting storage lockers and not paying the bills so i can get my stuff on Storage Wars


Today i did 30 reps of volume on high bar squats like 295-345 in sets of 1-3 after my regular nonsense it is not impressive in retrospect but i was pleased with self and tired workout took 74 minutes

Taxi driver

Spend days ferrying people to various medical appointments and lawyers and insurance and car dealers and children to all of their activities. It’s fine i try to be thankful they are not for me (the appointments i mean but i guess also I’m thankful i don’t have do crafts or tumbling etc) and that they are not for more serious issues. I sometimes fail and mope but try to keep it to myself (except for here that is what a blog is for)

Here is Rex at yearly allergy checkup.

Yes he is ten and playing with plastic farm animals.

I missed first lift in July because Coach Jr has asthma/cold and i had to wake up ~8 x last night. He is the only kid i ever met who doesn’t like children’s Tylenol. Other kids seem to love it/demand it like it’s combination of kool-aid and heroin. Anyway 2 AM chasing Coach jr with eyedropper syringe while he flees, flapping his arms and shrieking with outrage. He also is not fond of his nebulizer even though it is shaped like a seal.

I bought a car from a guy named Fat Tony (cf Nassim Taleb’s wiseguy character) I’m sure this will work out well.

I nicknamed the children’s pediatrician Large Hot Chocolate. Fortunately Karena doesn’t read this blog. I’m not allowed to say certain things out loud but you can’t stop me from thinking them. Also another good use of blog.

A children’s fable

Not suitable for children.

Once upon a time there was a tiny bird. What kind of bird? A wren i guess they are little right? Anyway as it flew through the air it pooped.

The poop went into the mouth of a bigger bird, i guess a robin. This made the robin poop. 

The poop from the robin went into the mouth of a hawk…

(Etc, parents can use the following bird list: wren, robin, hawk, eagle, pelican, albatross or substitute birds from their locality or culture)

… The poop from the albatross landed on an ostrich, but ostriches are always putting their heads in the sand so it didn’t swallow any poop.

The end

Moral: something pithy about not having to swallow any shit if you keep your head down i guess, but the real moral is that you wanted a gross story about birds pooping in each other’s mouths now go to bed.

Dirty dog

Wearing Karena’s blind person glasses he is always happy to put on silly things and allow us to take pictures for our amusement which you can see from recent posts

Coach Jr poops 1x a day always while I’m eating breakfast and i have to change him because Karena is still messed up from accident & can’t lift him.

Anyway i have traditionally insulted babies and toddlers who soil themselves with a lot of faux ranting “you dirty dog, you old fathead, foul besmircher, etc”

Today Coach jr approached the table on his own

Coach Jr (proudly): dirty dog! Dirty dog!

Funny and important pictures

Quincy: aww baby Sarah you look so cute

Coach Jr: Hat!

Poor Kent Goom

I’m i guess a little worried about intertwingling kid content and hue content but don’t want to make fifty million posts a day so deal. Anyway, this was a really good album and by album i mean it probably contains music.

I keep pressing play butt nothing happens.

Less creatively and artistically sensitive individuals than myself would be all like #declineofwesternculture but i find this to be genius-level idiocy

Coach Jr turning evil?


1. Walked up to me while i was eating and bit me really hard on the thigh for no reason

2. Started sucking thumb

3. Rex taught him to shout “Ya Ya Yacht!” whenever anyone else tries to speak

Fortunately he hasn’t done any of these things today 

Yes please help

High bar squatted 385.

Toothole is not a word i made up but it’s one of my current favorites

Got hue?

This poster was supposed to be placed in school lunchrooms to encourage milk consumption and/or glue use but thanks to the censorship of the Trump administration your children will never get a chance to see it. #nutition #honk

Yes No Man

I have trained coach jr to say “No” when i say “Answer?” and “Yes” when i say “correct”.  This has proved useful around the house and by useful i mean amusing 

Quincy: i can eat a lollipop on the couch while i play the Wii U gamepad

Me: Answer?

Coach Jr: No!

Rex: i don’t want to clean up the blocks i didn’t spill them, coach Jr did

Me: everybody has to help because babies are useless and your mother can’t do anything. Correct?

Coach jr: yes!

Delegation and outsourcing and automation and etc

Today i benched 325 and cleaned 225 earning me a spot on the JV football team

Go to bed

Rex: Did you know a guy in France farted the San Francisco earthquake

Me: what

Karena: WHAT

Rex: it’s true


Bedtime for coach jr…

Me: alright get in your bin. Here’s your sleepytime Elmo, there’s your bunny, there are your blankets i love you good night.

Bedtime for Rex…

Me: when the timer goes off go upstairs and get in bed.

Bedtime for Quincy, Stage XIV.A.2.c.iii

Me: okay so I’ve placed the ponies at that end of the bed in the order you’ve requested. do you want me to tuck them in with the sheet or just the blanket?

Moving back

I thought i would like to host my own WordPress but idk i don’t want to deal with databases and bullshit so I’m gonna move back to ruinchristmas.wordpress.com.  sorry not sorry. Full refunds will of course be given.  This will take place starting when I can move all the posts from here back over there effective immediately.  Everyone will be able to follow and things will be the way they were which is always the best for everyone. 

This blog will continue to be a 95% true PG-13 version of my life. This blog seems to have three eras.

  1. In the army and party and girls and asshole officers and retarded NCOs and lazy Coach and shooting guns and punching people and drinking Rockstar and gin.
  2. Out of the army and married and going to a commercial gym and asshats and idiots there and lifting every day and making fun of 5/3/1 and looking at girls in yoga pants
  3. Lifting in my garage and playing chess and playdoh and axis and allies, and mowing the lawn and home repair follies.

We’re still in the third era. I probably will post a bit less because seriously who cares and taking all these time to be unpaid Dave Barry and make witty posts for my six blog friends and my mom and all the rest of the internet cares about is “5/3/1” and “removing hp bloatware” and “pictures of celebrities pooping”

There will be a 95% fictional, non-family-friendly site at ruinchristmas.net. I’m sure it will be very offensive and not what you’re looking for and please take it down your story about the homosexual communist racist satanic rapists was pornographic and hurt my feelings because you based one of the characters on me and my wife and i thought there would be a weightlifting log and pictures of your kids like I’m used to not this filth how dare you.

Karena got in a car accident because people in the South are generally terrible drivers and one of them cut her off. Quincy was in the car and was uninjured. Car is totaled and Karena messed up her hand and knee and especially her eye so now she can’t lift Kent Goom or do any chores or be in the light or see things or not be in pain. Obviously we’re thankful it wasn’t worse and that Quincy was okay. But now there’s insurance and lawyers and driving her to physical therapy and etc.

Front squatted 320.

Toilet school 2

Quincy: will you play toilet school with me?

Me: What?! What kind of filthy nonsense is that?

Then i remembered that i invented it several weeks ago.


I put jar-jar in charge of the toilet train and built the toilet boat & found some Lego poo logs as Michigan.method suggested but this was all somehow unsatisfactory and Quincy wouldn’t let me play and so we played doh instead.


Pretty good for a four year old IMO.

I was pleased that Quincy recognized what this was, even if i had to prompt her a bit…

Me: look what Daddy made it eats flies and hops

TBH i made it extra hideous on purpose iot upset Karena. I’m a fan of amphibians but she is not. I haven’t told her that under every rock in the yard there’s a toad the size of a catcher’s mitt. Also every night during the hot/humid/buggy season (February-November) there’s a plethora of frogs clinging to our kitchen window. Karena recognizes their value in the ecosystem but disapproves of their lifestyle choices…


Nerd corner: So i wanted to make a webpage and did this last night. (I am pretty happy with the appearance but i feel like it needs more content) I tried a wysiwyg editor called blue griffon but it was too hard, so i tried hsilmans suggestions of codepengithub.io but i didn’t totally understand what was going on here, so i did what i did in 1997 and used Arachnophilia and made a test page and was satisfied with my handiwork until i looked at it on my phone and it was miniscule. Now i see why people use css/ajax/ruby/things i don’t understand and don’t have the patience to master when i just want to make links to my most hilarious posts and erotic stories. So today i will try Joomla

Questions for you people

Somecowboyguy – what were u complaining about the other day re the comments? Not being notified of them? Or you want next to each post “X comments”

H.erb.ert.silman – if i want a very simple webpage should i just use html and a text editor? Or should i get something more complex. Keep in mind that i don’t want blinking flash videos, ecommerce, etc. I’d settle for being able to view the site on a phone and a desktop.

Celica – do i need a dehumidifier for my garage? How would i know. I am asking you because Karena said to and because i know you have storage unit experience. We also keep clothes and other stored items out there. I haven’t noticed any of the signs of excessive humidity like steamed up glass, mold etc, but the humidity is often 70%+. Do those little tubs of calcium chloride work

Gutter snipe

So yesterday i cleaned the gutters.

Homeowner FAQ

Q: Why do houses have gutters?

A: if you don’t have gutters, water will drip off the roof and land on where the foundation meets the ground and seep into your basement.

Q: what if i don’t have a basement

A: then the water will puddle up there and mold/erode your foundation

Q: what if the roof has a big overhang? Then you wouldn’t need gutters right?

A: shut up and buy the gutters you don’t want to be the only home without them

Q: how often will the gutters need servicing

A: Gutters typically need unclogging or repair work every seven days. We’ll take care of that for a reasonable fee.

Q: can i unclog my gutters myself

A: haha! Oh you’re serious aren’t you.

Q: yes is there a way to tell if they need it?

A: after a year or so, trees will sprout from them, so try not to look up when you go in and out of your house. But your wife will eventually notice and then you won’t have a choice.

Q: Are there any dangers i should be aware of when i clean the gutters?

A: yes we designed them so that they are just a smidgen too high for someone your height to safely reach when standing on that ladder you own. Also we filled them with wasps.

Q: can the wasps sting through gloves?

A: take a look at this poor bastard & you tell me


Q: ouch his right hand looks all swollen and itchy

A: hehe his fingers are like little sausages

Despite my injuries set a clean PR. That’s not impressive since it was 215. Pounds.

Feeding people germs

Quincy (to Rex): Can you stop reading and play toca hospital with me?  But can you please play nicely and not feed people germs?

IMG_20170525_082628.jpgthe only time Coach Jr ever put something on his head and said “hat” – and it was a hat.

I use the Myfitnesspal app as does approximately 30% of America.  I use the free version because the premium features are not worth paying for (& it’s expensive).  “See a breakdown of each meal by percent of carbohydrate/protein/fat”  no thanks i don’t care because i eat two meals.  “Enter random amounts of carbs/protein/fat into your diet” um for all the times when i shove something in my mouth and don’t know what it is – BUT I KNOW IT HAS 17G of CARBS, 6G OF PROTEIN AND 10G OF FAT

also the ads aren’t annoying enough to make me want to pay to get rid of them. they seem to be mainly interspersed with the low quality (6 ways to drink more water! Try these healthy greek yogurt peach margaritas! Indoor cycling – it’s called spinning!) blog posts which I never even noticed until I discovered how idiotic they are (i still don’t read them but i like to be outraged by the titles)

but anyway a large quantity of the ads seem to be for Depends which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I mean most old people don’t even own smartphones or seem like they’d be interested in an app like this.  Idk it’s worrying will this be a product I’ll need soon.  or maybe i should feel good if tons of people in my advertising demographic have to wear adult diapers and I don’t I’m outstanding.

Benched 320.  Embarrassed America with cleans

Idk wtf this is

But i found it during the periodic removal and sorting of media from Karena’s phone.​

Tantrum or dance? Test of new phone capabilities or pantomime portion of home school curriculum?

(edit I made this post on june 11 but I reposted because it was in video format which apparently means that you want to type a bunch of words and upload pics but not have them be visible)

Coach Jr is terrified of static on the TV and certain random toys. This makes me kinda sad. Poor wimperish tiny Coach version.

Rex: look, he hates this ball!


Me: o look, you hate getting spanked unmercifully for frightening infant me.

He likes cans of beans pretty good tho

& for some reason this oatmeal packet and a pair of infant camouflage pants that he insists on sleeping with.

Cleaned 210 and squatted hbs 370.

Read “how to kill a city” about gentrification. Didn’t like. Picked up homo deus. Read a chapter or two near the end. Interesting so far. Fatman would like or anyone else who is trapped in a computer simulation

Nimsowitsch Defense

After several weeks of trying, finally defeated lichess AI level one. 

Coach Jr conducts imoptrant business.

Time for Teletubbies.

High bar squatted 375. Did a lot of push pressing none noteworthy.

I keep that thang on me like a preacher do a Bible