Baby

When Coach Jr puts his clothes in the hamper, if i forget to praise him, he praises himself, “all right” or “good job”.
Also, he can recognize other family members in pictures but he calls himself “baby”

Neither of these things are really remarkable but i like babies and toddlers. 

Poopington murders pig

Me: why is Poopington hitting that poor pig?

Quincy: he’s killing it

Me: Poopington doesn’t kill. He is more of a comical flatulent type of hero.

Quincy: he killed that guy in the cage

There was never a story about Poopington and a guy in a cage let alone killing him. #scary

Loyalty

Follow me on twitter @ruinchristmas

Coach Jr a big fan of Baby Jake which i had never heard of before.

  • 1980s kids (me) – watch TV about adults (GI Joe, Transformers, HeMan)
  • 1990s kids (Karena) – watch TV about older kids (saved by the Bell)
  • 2000s kids (Rex) – watch TV about kids their own age (Pokemon, adventure Time)
  • 2010s kids (Quincy, Coach Jr) watch “tv” about younger kids

I.e. Baby Bum and Teletubbies for Quincy, which Coach Jr tolerated but now has found a show about literally a baby. My grandkids will i guess watch ultrasounds.  The baby is very cute though & i like its loving interactions with the older brother. I noticed that two of these shows are made in the UK and idk where baby bum is made but possibly another planet “the people on the bus say “jotta jotta jotta” hmm. I used to make fun of my army roommate Miller for being an anglophile but Karena watches Sherlock, Dr who, and the old department store sitcom, and i was a Monty Python and Fawlty Towers fan so either they are winning the culture wars or my family is a bunch of geeks.

This morning doing set of stifflegged deadlifts with 315 and Rex interrupted because he claimed he was too weak to pour milk into his oatmeal. My faith in fitness of the younger generation was restored when Coach Jr dragged this bag that is bigger than him across the kitchen to indicate that he wanted to “go” with me.

Biase

1. Being trustworthy is so important because if you are not trusted, you will not be reliable. If you are not reliable, the stuff that you say will be biase.  If you are biase, you will not be believed by any one.  If you are not trustworthy, no one will believe you.  Some times the person will not love you.  If you do something wrong and you lie, you cannot be trusted.  It will make your punishment bigger also.  If you do not lie, you will get a smaller punishment.  You will also be able to be trusted.

2. The things I have done wrong.  Stole goldfish, snuck videogames, lied, did not do this [things?]

3. You regain trust by telling the truth.  You also regain trust by not messing up.  If you regain trust, you get to be loved.  You also get to do what you want without being watched.  You get to have fun without having someone stare over you.  Anouther way is to do your best to be good.

Goom Math

Wanted to test all the fancy math Karena has been teaching Quincy, so after they got done…

Me (drill sergeant voice): what’s 8+7?

Quincy (watching youtube panda cartoons as reward): …

Coach Jr (“counting” on fat little fingers): Ice Cream!

Snatched 155. PR.

analogy: I’m as good at Olympic weightlifting as Kent Goom is at math. But with less potential. And less comical.

I am inspired by the Celica prophecy however flippantly made. I still have eight months & 65 lbs to go to make it come true.

Coach Jr (pushing Karena): No pushing!

Don’t Blame the Visigoths

I’m tired of right-wing fascist patriarchal chauvinistic anti-immigration nativist nationalistic patriotic jingoist Romans blaming my ancestors for ushering in a so-called Dark Age. 

Think of it as “the replacement of a tired, effete, and decadent … civilization, with a more virile, martial… one” (Halsall, 2006)

If it wasn’t for barbarian migrants, men would still wear dresses.  Now even women wear pants. 

Commemorative coin, runic inscription reads “We are not illegal”

Visigoths vs. Romans. Of course the bad guys have beards and not because they are ironic beta hipsters. Center left one of the Romans is mirin: “My boss won’t let me have facial hair…”

Liberal Roman politicians not only let Visigoths in, but armed them (I’m not making this up). This went well.

Poopington Bear – Part Doo

First, RIP Michael Bond. I’m an admirer of the original Paddington Bear. (Usually this is the case with parody – except my mean-spirited Hairy Pooper series) 

Quincy is a big fan of my Poopington Bear stories. Perhaps I’ll share some with blog readers soon although you’ll miss hearing my delightful English accents. (Poopington doesn’t have an accent – he’s from Greater Poopoo in South America & sounds exactly like Wario)


Above: Scene from “Poopington Bear Clogs The Pot.” He’s not wearing the Union Jack, it’s actually a shirt – the sleeves and back are the same color as his fur. 


Above: scene from “Poopington Bear grows a tail”

Flopping a dump

After all you’re not taking it anywhere.

This is the worst game for toddlers ever invented. I call it “Don’t eat the beans”. Coach Jr won today but Quincy and Rex are about .500.




Coach Jr turned two, had birthday party.


I was trying to make a phone call and this game was going on. Everybody got punished.

Tennis anyone

Btw WordPress Android insists on putting a blank line on top of every picture. I’m tired of trying to click the millimeter sized left margin of my phone to remove it so I’m just going to use this space to post pro-nazi pedophilic bestiality propaganda.

Anyway Karena bought electric fly swatter on Amazon with my encouragement a couple of months ago. She immediately regretted making the impulse buy but changed her mind yet again after the thing arrived and i used it to discipline the children to scorch her ass during BDSM play and make it look like she sat on a waffle iron to efficiently, neatly, and entertainingly solve the insect problem.

I bought two more at harbor freight where they cost like $3. Old method of killing wasp in house was spraying jets of poison. Old method of killing flies was whipping them with dishrag. You can imagine the potential hygiene issues with doing either of these in the kitchen or kids bedroom.

This whole post is just a chance to tell everyone how yesterday i served a wasp in the gym like John McEnroe and hit that SOB so hard not to mention electrocuting it that it impacted the opposite wall with an immensely satisfying wet crunch and i never found the body but that’s fine.

Also today i killed a spider that was so goddam big that it caused an adrenaline dump that prevented me from either taking blog picture or reaching for the racket and trying to scoop it off the ground. Instead i beat it to death with a broom. Of course i was not whimpering, trembling, or gibbering with fear while I was doing this.

Jhumpa Lahiri Mad Libs

reprinted from The New Yorker ca 2011

(Winner of the __year___   __literary award__  )

I had not seen ___Foreign Name___ in many years, not since our parents were __nationality__ immigrants living in ___posh suburb___. Life was very difficult. My father had a doctorate in __medicine, law or engineering__ from __Ivy League college___. His name was _foreign name___ but we called him __nonsense word___. My mother’s name was __foreign name___ but we called her __gibberish__, which is a sign of respect.

My mother had a difficult upbringing in one of her country’s wealthiest families. Imagine the hardships they faced coming to America with only one post-graduate degree between them. And she never truly got used to America. It was difficult for her to be a stay-at-home mom with one child in such a large, opulent house. Back then, of course, they lived in __upscale urban neighborhood__ and my father taught at the university.

Fitting in was difficult. My mother would not let me wear the stiletto heels and fishnet stockings that my junior high school classmates wore.

“Please, mother,” I would say, “I want to look like a whorish American girl.”

“No,” she would reply, “These Americans are __insulting undefined nonsense word__. You will wear the __made-up article of clothing__, a modest and traditional garment.”

Also we ate strange foods. It was so embarassing. I just wanted the lardburgers and sugary cereals that my obese, spoiled classmates ate. But my parents insisted on serving __made-up food__, a bitter, pungent, traditional dish made of __ingredient___ , as well as __made-up food__, which is similar but really, really spicy. And it was difficult being the only child in my elementary school who had memorized Virgil’s Aeneid or Pi to 10,000 digits, so surely I was doomed to a life of wealthy, tedious, intellectual privilege.

But adolescence was difficult. I met __someone’s name__ and everything changed. I started following them around and imitating their wanton American customs. I entered puberty and my __body part (plural)___ grew larger. My __body part___ began sprouting hair, which made me feel like a real woman, just like __older woman’s name___.

I kissed a boy – with tongue. Instead of calculus camp, I took a college class in __artistic field of study____. And at a graduation party for __typical slutty, meaningless American girl name____, one of the heavily made-up American trollops I befriended, I drank a beer.

Today I am happily married and have __number___ degrees and __number____ lovely children and __giant number___ dollars.

But I was shocked to learn that when I was ___age_____, a poignant tragedy happened to __name of close friend or relative__. It was difficult. I will now end the story here so the tragedy will be fresh in your mind when awarding the ___literary prize____.

Your ideal weight

Today was a healthy weight.

From https://blog.myfitnesspal.com/weight-just-number/ 

For example, a 30-year-old woman who is 5-foot-4 would be considered within a healthy range if she weighed between 107–145 pounds… a woman who has solid muscle mass may weigh more — does that mean she needs to risk losing that muscle just to reach a lower number?

 -Elizabeth Millard 

Answer: Yes.

What’s the healthy number of cigarettes to smoke a day? Is it a range of 0-20? But more if the woman has strong lungs? If you are 5’4, 145, you look fat and you’re carrying around gallons of excess adipose tissue which is not great for your health. I’m pretty sure every actual woman recognizes this – which is why the only woman who wants to be 5’4 145 is one who currently weighs 185.

[Re: BMI] Technically, Arnold Schwarzenegger is considered obese. 

 -Elizabeth Millard 

I’m so fucking sick of hearing this. I fell for this myself. First of all Arnold was on steroids. Second of all anyone reading this is not Arnold. Third of all if you look fat it’s not because you have too much muscle, because you’re big boned, or ethnically privileged. Lose weight.

Just cookin cocaine

Whippin girl for you 

-troy ave

I don’t usually like the posting of food. 

#AndyandEmma #uncharacteristicallyhealthyportrayalofhowiactuallyeat #locally sourced non GMO paleo gluten free superiority #gonnamashthiswithmyteethandpoopitoutlater

IDK i found it pleasing and felt like it so deal.

Also yes i drink a lot of coffee. But it’s mixed with almond milk. It’s in the pyrex measuring cup more bc that way i don’t have to get up from table repeatedly than bc of anal retentive measurement requirements.

Book is infinite jest which i read already but don’t remember half of. 

I once cut off the tip of my finger and concentrated on it really hard for like three days and it grew back.

Unleashed

three large woodpeckers

I am a big fan of the movie Unleashed. I mentioned this in a juvenile post from 2005 where i described it as “the bomb.”  I intentionally (you’ll have to trust me on this) affected an idiotic Beavis and Butthead writing style back then but still.

1. Karena doesn’t like it. This encourages me to say things like “it established Jet Li as one of the greatest actors of our generation” or “it should have won the best picture Oscar in three different years” i.e. things that i don’t actually believe 100% but are calculated to provoke her.

2. Morgan Freeman has a white daughter. No one but me seems interested by this. I guess he’s blind so maybe he doesn’t know.

3. I’m willing to bet the original script called for a romance between Freeman’s daughter (Kerry Condon) and Jet Li. It would have made sense plotwise i mean here’s a guy who’s living at your house and defending your family and you’re teaching him how to be human (which is how a lot of relationships blossom in RL). But i imagine someone pointed out that it’s kind of weird to have a 42 year old guy with the mind of a child/dog romancing a high schooler (Condon was actually 22) Regardless they decided to leave in all the scenes where they are bonding, feeding each other ice cream, skipping thru the rain etc. This creates a vibe which i describe as “unresolved romantic tension” and Karena describes as “creepy”

4. I like the fight scenes at the beginning especially when Jet Li kills a guy with one punch. It’s a little unrealistic that there’s this underground fight club that has dozens of weekly? fatalities but still cool.

5. Michael Ian Lambert has a memorable role as “the end guy” basically a white guy in pajamas with a machete. spoiler alert jet li beats him but it’s a sick fight.

6. Just like in real life how nobody is totally evil and everyone thinks they’re doing what’s right the bad guy (Bob Hoskins) is somewhat complicated and makes you feel a tiny bit bad for him. Well it made me feel bad for him. Or i don’t know maybe it’s the moral ambiguity about killing prostitutes and stealing their children (your children?) and raising them in a cage. At least he taught Danny a valuable skill. There’s some philosophical and or parenting lessons in here for sure but I’ll leave that to the experts. 

Also go see El Infierno if you have not
coach Jr’s arm looks apishly proportioned

Infinite Jest 2

I’ve been renting storage lockers and not paying the bills so i can get my stuff on Storage Wars

—-

Today i did 30 reps of volume on high bar squats like 295-345 in sets of 1-3 after my regular nonsense it is not impressive in retrospect but i was pleased with self and tired workout took 74 minutes

Taxi driver

Spend days ferrying people to various medical appointments and lawyers and insurance and car dealers and children to all of their activities. It’s fine i try to be thankful they are not for me (the appointments i mean but i guess also I’m thankful i don’t have do crafts or tumbling etc) and that they are not for more serious issues. I sometimes fail and mope but try to keep it to myself (except for here that is what a blog is for)

Here is Rex at yearly allergy checkup.

Yes he is ten and playing with plastic farm animals.

I missed first lift in July because Coach Jr has asthma/cold and i had to wake up ~8 x last night. He is the only kid i ever met who doesn’t like children’s Tylenol. Other kids seem to love it/demand it like it’s combination of kool-aid and heroin. Anyway 2 AM chasing Coach jr with eyedropper syringe while he flees, flapping his arms and shrieking with outrage. He also is not fond of his nebulizer even though it is shaped like a seal.

I bought a car from a guy named Fat Tony (cf Nassim Taleb’s wiseguy character) I’m sure this will work out well.

I nicknamed the children’s pediatrician Large Hot Chocolate. Fortunately Karena doesn’t read this blog. I’m not allowed to say certain things out loud but you can’t stop me from thinking them. Also another good use of blog.

A children’s fable

Not suitable for children.

Once upon a time there was a tiny bird. What kind of bird? A wren i guess they are little right? Anyway as it flew through the air it pooped.

The poop went into the mouth of a bigger bird, i guess a robin. This made the robin poop. 

The poop from the robin went into the mouth of a hawk…

(Etc, parents can use the following bird list: wren, robin, hawk, eagle, pelican, albatross or substitute birds from their locality or culture)

… The poop from the albatross landed on an ostrich, but ostriches are always putting their heads in the sand so it didn’t swallow any poop.

The end

Moral: something pithy about not having to swallow any shit if you keep your head down i guess, but the real moral is that you wanted a gross story about birds pooping in each other’s mouths now go to bed.

Dirty dog

Wearing Karena’s blind person glasses he is always happy to put on silly things and allow us to take pictures for our amusement which you can see from recent posts

Coach Jr poops 1x a day always while I’m eating breakfast and i have to change him because Karena is still messed up from accident & can’t lift him.

Anyway i have traditionally insulted babies and toddlers who soil themselves with a lot of faux ranting “you dirty dog, you old fathead, foul besmircher, etc”

Today Coach jr approached the table on his own

Coach Jr (proudly): dirty dog! Dirty dog!

Funny and important pictures

Quincy: aww baby Sarah you look so cute

Coach Jr: Hat!

Poor Kent Goom


I’m i guess a little worried about intertwingling kid content and hue content but don’t want to make fifty million posts a day so deal. Anyway, this was a really good album and by album i mean it probably contains music.


I keep pressing play butt nothing happens.


Less creatively and artistically sensitive individuals than myself would be all like #declineofwesternculture but i find this to be genius-level idiocy

Coach Jr turning evil?

Yeaterday…

1. Walked up to me while i was eating and bit me really hard on the thigh for no reason

2. Started sucking thumb

3. Rex taught him to shout “Ya Ya Yacht!” whenever anyone else tries to speak

Fortunately he hasn’t done any of these things today 

Yes please help

High bar squatted 385.

Toothole is not a word i made up but it’s one of my current favorites