About ruinchristmas

Gender: Male Industry: Military Occupation: Madman Location: Brownsville, TX Introduction: i'm completely out of control Interests: Writing, Lifting, Fighting, Lying. Favorite Movies: True Romance, Unleashed Favorite Music: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colors_of_noise#Red_noise, The Game Favorite Books: American Psycho, The Great Gatsby, On the Road, Charles Bukowski, Dinosaur Training, A Princess of Mars, Jesus' Son, The Pugilist at Rest, Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Atlas Shrugged, The Dharma Bums, Blood Meridian, Grendel

Baby

When Coach Jr puts his clothes in the hamper, if i forget to praise him, he praises himself, “all right” or “good job”.
Also, he can recognize other family members in pictures but he calls himself “baby”

Neither of these things are really remarkable but i like babies and toddlers. 

Mayweather vs McGregor

I consider myself a boxing expert. After all i enjoy watching knockout compilations set to music on YouTube, I once saw Mike Tyson spar in person, and I beat Glass Joe in the arcade version of PunchOut when I was five years old despite thinking that I was Glass Joe, fighting a green grid man.

I am currently ranked number 9 and when i win, i will turn Japanese.  I really thought so.

But just to be safe, I consulted two actual experts – my son’s JJ/MMA coach and my brother-in-law, a former almost-pro boxer.

I think the entire thing is a joke and shouldn’t even be sanctioned… Like how is someone who has no pro boxing matches allowed to fight someone of Mayweather’s caliber. -Brother-in-law

 

Mayweather is a boxer and it’s a boxing match. Does McGregor have a chance? Sure, but Mayweather will definitely win. -MMA coach (paraphrase)

Sometimes experts are right. For example newspapers (nb. not experts) are (were) compelled to cover two Super Bowl teams or presidential candidates like they are equal. Who will win? The Bills or their opponent? Obama or Romney? It’s a total tossup! Your opinion matters! Meanwhile if you ask the experts and by experts i mean people in Las Vegas with skin in the game they will tell you that you and your newspaper sports page are delusional because you are a child and live in Upstate New York and that’s why the Bills are fourteen point underdogs. And not even Republicans like Romney – people from his own state didn’t even like him.

Another example of the experts actually knowing things is the movie Great White Hype (No spoiler alert – sorry, it’s old you had your chance) Possibly my favorite part is when Mitchell Kane (Jeff Goldblum) somehow is convinced by his own hype and switches to the sucker side. Hey anybody can win this thing! Sorry no dance party for you.

I also recall being fascinated by a Time magazine (never experts – they’re the magazine of rich people in NYC explaining the world to old people – and lying) graphic from 1990.

Who will win? Coalition or Iraq? It’s a total tossup! According to the graphic, Iraq has more troops but the coalition has 15 kinds of tanks and Iraq only has 12, plus their boats are TINY.  It’s anyone’s game! Hey did you know that Iraq has the third-largest army in the world and their troops are battle-tested?

But if you consulted expert opinion and by experts i mean Colin Powell or Saddam Hussein they knew the truth ahead of time. Yes even Saddam knew deep down which is why his strategy was to shoot Scuds at Israel in the hopes of getting them to go crazy and attack so that the other Arab nations would side with Iraq.  Not that analogies are worth much but “maybe if i can start a race riot before the fight it will be cancelled” shows your true feelings about how things are gonna go after you touch gloves.

But sometimes experts are wrong – all the experts at Goldman Sachs, all the universities, Google etc (who had lots of skin in the game) told you that Trump was gonna lose. Oh sorry the Russians hacked the voting machines. Keep believing this.  It’s important because the alternative is that you’re wrong or that everyone else is bad.

Rambling, back to the fight.  On one hand I like McGregor’s brashness but on the other hand Mayweather is the BOAT (brashest of all time).  McGregor is white and has a beard just like me!

Johnny Windsor (from Great White Hype): You may be Irish, but they’re almost white.

Mayweather has the advantage of being American, approximately my age which is not old how dare you, and has awesome cars.

I guess I’ll pick McGregor just so I can be right if the experts are wrong and I like how he’s getting way more money to partake in a dying sport than he did under the UFC’s thumb.


took my first day off lifting in a month; just wanted more sleep


I have this exact same baseball cap.

This is how I imagine my shed will look when I’m done with it. The antique computers are already in place.

There is nothing i can say about this album cover except that it’s certainly compelling.

 

 

Poopington murders pig

Me: why is Poopington hitting that poor pig?

Quincy: he’s killing it

Me: Poopington doesn’t kill. He is more of a comical flatulent type of hero.

Quincy: he killed that guy in the cage

There was never a story about Poopington and a guy in a cage let alone killing him. #scary

Loyalty

Follow me on twitter @ruinchristmas

Coach Jr a big fan of Baby Jake which i had never heard of before.

  • 1980s kids (me) – watch TV about adults (GI Joe, Transformers, HeMan)
  • 1990s kids (Karena) – watch TV about older kids (saved by the Bell)
  • 2000s kids (Rex) – watch TV about kids their own age (Pokemon, adventure Time)
  • 2010s kids (Quincy, Coach Jr) watch “tv” about younger kids

I.e. Baby Bum and Teletubbies for Quincy, which Coach Jr tolerated but now has found a show about literally a baby. My grandkids will i guess watch ultrasounds.  The baby is very cute though & i like its loving interactions with the older brother. I noticed that two of these shows are made in the UK and idk where baby bum is made but possibly another planet “the people on the bus say “jotta jotta jotta” hmm. I used to make fun of my army roommate Miller for being an anglophile but Karena watches Sherlock, Dr who, and the old department store sitcom, and i was a Monty Python and Fawlty Towers fan so either they are winning the culture wars or my family is a bunch of geeks.

This morning doing set of stifflegged deadlifts with 315 and Rex interrupted because he claimed he was too weak to pour milk into his oatmeal. My faith in fitness of the younger generation was restored when Coach Jr dragged this bag that is bigger than him across the kitchen to indicate that he wanted to “go” with me.

Biase

1. Being trustworthy is so important because if you are not trusted, you will not be reliable. If you are not reliable, the stuff that you say will be biase.  If you are biase, you will not be believed by any one.  If you are not trustworthy, no one will believe you.  Some times the person will not love you.  If you do something wrong and you lie, you cannot be trusted.  It will make your punishment bigger also.  If you do not lie, you will get a smaller punishment.  You will also be able to be trusted.

2. The things I have done wrong.  Stole goldfish, snuck videogames, lied, did not do this [things?]

3. You regain trust by telling the truth.  You also regain trust by not messing up.  If you regain trust, you get to be loved.  You also get to do what you want without being watched.  You get to have fun without having someone stare over you.  Anouther way is to do your best to be good.

Goom Math

Wanted to test all the fancy math Karena has been teaching Quincy, so after they got done…

Me (drill sergeant voice): what’s 8+7?

Quincy (watching youtube panda cartoons as reward): …

Coach Jr (“counting” on fat little fingers): Ice Cream!

Snatched 155. PR.

analogy: I’m as good at Olympic weightlifting as Kent Goom is at math. But with less potential. And less comical.

I am inspired by the Celica prophecy however flippantly made. I still have eight months & 65 lbs to go to make it come true.

Coach Jr (pushing Karena): No pushing!

Educating Daughter

Yesterday (Sunday) Quincy (who sometimes reminds me of the robot from Short Circuit in terms of both zeal for data/input and how it’s funny when they jump) insisted on doing Khan Academy until she’d finished first grade, she was exhausted, and Karena was frazzled. 

Today Karena had early appointment & her mom took her. Quincy interrupted my breakfast…

Quincy: i want to do Khan but hidden pictures is out.

Me: what? You can do Khan. I don’t care. Or do hidden pictures (reluctantly leaving the table, i deduced that this was some sort of workbook that had been left out but i wasn’t sure if it was intentional)

Quincy (now in tears & hopping up and down): i don’t want hidden pictures can do Khan mom said i can it’s not up the book out (i.e. frantic gibberish)

Me: Look, i am just here in some sort of custodial capacity. I am not in charge of the education of young women. Go play video games and let me alone. Go see what your brother is doing.

Kent Goom in front of the learning/babysitting machine.

Don’t Blame the Visigoths

I’m tired of right-wing fascist patriarchal chauvinistic anti-immigration nativist nationalistic patriotic jingoist Romans blaming my ancestors for ushering in a so-called Dark Age. 

Think of it as “the replacement of a tired, effete, and decadent … civilization, with a more virile, martial… one” (Halsall, 2006)

If it wasn’t for barbarian migrants, men would still wear dresses.  Now even women wear pants. 

Commemorative coin, runic inscription reads “We are not illegal”

Visigoths vs. Romans. Of course the bad guys have beards and not because they are ironic beta hipsters. Center left one of the Romans is mirin: “My boss won’t let me have facial hair…”

Liberal Roman politicians not only let Visigoths in, but armed them (I’m not making this up). This went well.

Drop Lemon

“…Silk linen, good livin, fast women…”

– these may be song lyrics but i can’t find the song and they are probably not accurate, nor in the correct order. Nonetheless they are stuck in my head

On the way to jiu-jitsu with Rex, there’s this ~7 yo kid who is always out in his front yard along a country road, and always shoots at our car, usually with plastic six-shooter, sometimes with forefinger/thumb gun. I always return imaginary fire. It’s hard to say who’s winning in terms of putting imaginary bullets on target but I’m gonna say me because I’m firing imaginary MAC-10 on full auto vs cowboy pistol and he’s not even fanning the hammer.

These encounters took a possibly depressing turn when the other day he was standing out in the pouring rain, indicating maybe either garbage parents and/or an unhealthy commitment to pretend gunplay.

So to cheer him up, yesterday (sunny), I unloaded my real Desert Eagle in his direction, obviously missing on purpose, but producing a sweet authentic fireball of muzzle flash with each round, as well as a deafening noise which Rex whined about later (even though i took hearing protection precautions – remember when conducting drive-by shootings to extend the weapon from the vehicle, or you might as well save time and ammo and puncture your eardrums with an icepick).  Impressively (although not entirely surprisingly) he didn’t even seek cover – just stood in the Weaver stance, the neon tip of his barrel held steady.

Back to things that are (completely) true, Rex still goes to Jiu-Jitsu/MMA 4x a week but a lot of times i just drop him off and come back to watch the last ten min or so (usually when they go live). This is partly because they don’t have AC and it’s been 90-100 F. They do have big fans pointed at the mats and sometimes if you sit near one (not in front of one I’m not that much of a cocksucker) you get some breeze but still. Also I think they had a summer discount – I could be wrong but there was a plethora of new kids with no gis (usually they start getting on you to buy your kid one after a week or two) & hideously fat parents bringing junk food and the entire extended family every time so not even room to sit, not to mention bratty little kids wandering about, bored teenagers fooling with stray dumbbells etc, and most of this has cleared up with the start of school but disgustingly obese people are also the reason i don’t want to go to the Chinese buffet anymore and certain folks who are allegedly more tolerant and sensitive feel the same way.

Rex: we haven’t gone to the Chinese buffet lately.

Me: Yeah we’re not going there ever again, sorry, there’s too many grossly fat people, it spoils my appetite.

Karena: DON’T SAY THAT! IT’S NOT THAT THEY’RE FAT…

Me: fine you explain why we’re not gonna eat there anymore

(five minutes later)

Karena: … AND EATING DIRECTLY OUT OF THE BUFFET LIKE THEY CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO THE TABLE AND BREATHING HEAVILY AND SWEATING AND NOT SAYING EXCUSE ME WHEN THEY PUSH BY YOU TO GET AT THE DESSERTS AT LEAST AT (the steak place) THE PEOPLE ARE POLITE…

Me (interrupting her rant with unhelpful analogy): it’s like a bunch of guys with emphysema and oxygen masks, coughing, then being like “hey man do you want a cigarette?”

So I started going to the nearby McDonald’s, ordering a $1 unsweet tea and sitting there playing on my phone or reading local paper. The McDonald’s was always strangely vacant for near prime dinner hour in the obesity capital of the world.  I soon found out why. The first time i got attacked by two flies (& was of course without trusty electric racket). I forgave them for this, after all, flies get into my house & i have blogged about it because in small quantities, it’s usually a sign of “some idiot left the door open” rather than “this place is a cesspool of filth.” Some of the tables were gross and sticky, but this happens at any fast food place because people are slobs and it takes a while between the time the customers leave and someone notices & can clean the table. A lot of the employees seemed to be leaning rather than cleaning but maybe they were on break.

I chalked the various warning signs up to coincidence and returned the following day.  This time there weren’t flies buzzing around but i did notice quite a few dead bugs around the drink machines.  Also trash around machines, and splatters of presumably soda on counters and walls (“presumably” bc I’m assuming this is what attracted – and killed – the bugs – but it was really high up on the walls, higher than could be accounted for by even serious but accidental sloshing and splashing) Also puddle of soda on floor with nearby yellow “watch your step” thing. Also overflowing trash cans. Hairs on counter. Etc.

I politely as i could pointed this out to the manager

Me: sir there seems to be a lot of dead insects over here

Him: oh my goodness yes I’ll get right on it and thank you for pointing this out to me your concern is our concern and etc

Anyway i had already paid for my drink so i loitered in a rear area so as not to either have employees glaring at me “that douchebag over there in the beard was the one” or to make it seem like i was hovering & supervising.

I did glance over on my way out. Some of the dead bugs had been cleaned up. Not sure how they decided which corpses merited removal. Needless to say, wall soda, floor soda, and trash status were unchanged. I contacted McDonald’s HQ and they did contact me back and assure me that everything would be corrected and they were terribly sorry but of course when i went back a week later mostly out of curiosity the bugs were still there & this time i didn’t buy a tea.

You can make fun at my expense “gosh Coach, who would have thought that a fast food restaurant in America’s most unhygenic region and a state with last time i heard one remaining health inspector 150 miles away would be untidy and when i worked at McDonald’s we used to poop in the fry grease” but i guess if i want lots of insects around i can stay home.

Instead i have been going to a gas station for my tea even though it costs a few cents more especially factoring in that i have to drink it in my car with the AC on. Which is not great for the environment but basically this is what we supposedly fought a war in Iraq for. Come to think of it i spent the majority of my first tour in Iraq in an idling Humvee drinking cold (ish) beverages only slightly better armed.

Also there are interesting sights:

Some sort of confrontation involving what appeared to be white rappers and black rappers but at least one group was undercover or off-duty police and it may have not been an unfriendly confrontation.

Also:

  • Guy who looked exactly like the late Kimbo Slice except larger, accompanied by toddler daughter
  • Yesterday, two different women in white t-shirts and no bras. One was ~8 months pregnant, the other had tattoo writing on one breast but i didn’t bother to try to read it because she was very overweight and also had a face that could cancel any remaining interest generated by her attire
  • Clerk, who during my transaction said in a lower but still audible voice “And then I’m going to take a nap and get something to eat.” She was not on any kind of bluetooth device nor was anyone else in earshot.
  • Today someone who looked exactly like Lil Wayne including facial tattoos but was female and had ~6 ( cowboy if you are still reading “~” means “about”) teeth

Spiral Learno

I switched to powdered spirulina to save money and because taking handfuls of pills seems unhealthy/low. Put 8g in my water/creatine/Walmart flavor workout drank. The taste was suboptimal. Who would have thought that algae was not delicious. I think tomorrow I’ll try 4g in workout water and 4g in protein and just be moderately revolted twice. I did snatch 150 lbs which is a PR for me shut up inb4 “spirulina must make you weak”

“Learno” is a moderately condescending toddler/baby term that i copyrighted. 

Usage

Me: How old are you, son?

Coach Jr: Two!

Me: aw, you’re a little learno.

Me (suspicious): and what’s your name?

Coach Jr: Two!

Sigh.

Rap acronym quiz

(Note: i know all the answers and am not reaching out to the hip internet community because I’m old)

KOB

BSB

YTK

Please help.

The Power of Winning

Quincy: Can Poopington eat anything?

Me: Yeah, he can eat dirt, poop, stuff off the floor without getting sick. It’s one of his powers.

Quincy: Do I have any powers?

Me: sure, you have the power of math*, uh, tumble powers… 

Quincy: i have the power of winning.

It’s true, as anyone who’s ever played a board game with her can attest…

Rex: yay i won!

Quincy: i won!

Me: no you didn’t honey, Rex won. You finished in second place, which is okay. You won the last time we played and perhaps you will win next time.

Rex: I told you so! You lost! That makes you the loser of the game. Hahaha!

Me: i changed my mind. Quincy won.

Quincy: yay!

Rex: WHAT!? THAT’S NOT FAIR!!1

Me: go to your room

Quincy: yay!

* I’m not a big believer in self-esteem or feminism but if you are good at math or Scratch jr programming for your age it counts as a legit power.


^not winning

Poopington Bear – Part Doo

First, RIP Michael Bond. I’m an admirer of the original Paddington Bear. (Usually this is the case with parody – except my mean-spirited Hairy Pooper series) 

Quincy is a big fan of my Poopington Bear stories. Perhaps I’ll share some with blog readers soon although you’ll miss hearing my delightful English accents. (Poopington doesn’t have an accent – he’s from Greater Poopoo in South America & sounds exactly like Wario)


Above: Scene from “Poopington Bear Clogs The Pot.” He’s not wearing the Union Jack, it’s actually a shirt – the sleeves and back are the same color as his fur. 


Above: scene from “Poopington Bear grows a tail”

Asterism

Karena: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BIG DIPPER* IS NOT A CONSTELLATION? IT’S AN ASTERISM.**

* The plough, for UK readers

** Part of an actual constellation, in this case Ursa Major, which is Latin for “looks nothing like a bear”

A debate ensued. My side of the argument was mostly “You can’t be telling me which constellations to believe in” and Karena’s was along the lines of  “I BET YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT’S ALL MAD ABOUT PLUTO”

Then…

Me: what’s this… —> ?

Karena: AN ARROW?

Me: Right. But if you are talking about it in front of mathematicians and you call it an arrow you’ll get laughed at. Then it’s a ray. But it’s still an arrow.

Karena: …

I took Karena’s silence to be an admission of surrender (she actually started watching TV but we husbands will take our victories where we find them) but nevertheless continued on in this vein for several minutes until i was told to shut up.

Me: …or i walk into an airport with an M-16 and am like “it’s not a gun, it’s a rifle

Quincy’s picture of me. Fairly accurate.

Quincy’s picture of herself, apparently with mange.

The Great Fatsby

Fatman: I mean, I get there’s some sort of narrative. Rich people in the 1920s threw lavish parties and felt disillusioned and oh so melancholy and behaved badly as a result and it was all rather tragic. 

Most of the main characters in Gatsby are rich (though not the Wilsons and their set – and they’re a charming bunch themselves). Therefore, to get anything out of the book, it’s important to see the difference between how the characters conduct themselves.  For example, Tom Buchanan is not like everyone else – he’s a hypocritical, (extra) racist, sleazy piece of shit.  

Compare to Nick, who breaks it off with a girl back home rather than stringing her along.  He probably could have married Jordan, but he realizes that deep down she’s dishonest trash. He chooses to earn his money honestly (well as a bond salesman but anyhow 😁)rather than become involved in “gonnegtions” with Gatsby and Wolfsheim. He’s loyal.

Nick is no saint to be sure – he drinks illegal alcohol, probably says a bad word at some point (I’ll check with Rex for citations), and kisses girls. His lawn is unkempt. But saying there’s no difference between the rich people in the book (keep in mind Gatsby, Wolfsheim, and the Buchanans are a whole nother level of rich compared to Nick and Jordan) is like saying all poor people or all Russians in other books are the same.

—-

Today mowed the lawn. Rex claimed that he weeded the cracks in the driveway three days ago and that the weeds grew back.  I was skeptical and sent him out to (re)weed while i mowed. There was a lot of trash and sticks in the ditch by the road so i sent him over there to clear that first. He picked up one thing and started walking inside. I finished my lap and came inside to catch him standing in the kitchen sipping water out of a cup. 

Rex: what? I got thirsty.

There were three full water bottles on the counter. I picked up Rex and the bottles and flung all four out of the door with some velocity. Quincy found this hysterically funny.

Karena (later): SHE IS EVIL

Karena later remarked that the house was very quiet (and not headache inducing) when it was just her and the littles.

Karena: YOU AND REX HAVE A VERY LOUD RELATIONSHIP. YOU’RE LIKE SARGE AND BEETLE BAILEY.

i thought this was pretty apt. Coach Jr is a lot like Otto IMO.

Or maybe not i never wear this outfit.

Training to never have to pick sticks again

Visigothic culture

Studies show that the Visigoths had the highest testosterone of any ancient people. What about the Visigothic women, you ask, snickering into your hand, did they have high testosterones and the resultant mustaches and burly physiques? No, you ignoramus. There were no Visigothic women. They got all their women by taking them from other tribes, either in warfare or trade. Usually trade, because for example, ten sheep for one woman is a great matrimonial deal for both an Iraqi shepherd (I’ve seen drone video that i can never unsee) and a Visigoth.  Also the Visigoths were a peaceful people who would never sack a city except in the most exceptional circumstances such as it being in their way or in their field of vision.

By “put something on your feet” i guess she thought i meant “it’s August, put on a wool hat and mittens”

Coach Jr (randomly): Red! Yellow! Green! Pink! Purple! Cron!

Me: Cron? You mean brown?

Coach Jr: Red! Yellow! Green! Pink! Purple! Cron!

Rex got punished for rolling his eyes when Karena was telling him something, then claiming this was an example of sarcasm.

Initially his punishment was receiving a lecture from me in the car on the definition of sarcasm.

But then he made the mistake of arguing with me about it. Great idea. Like i don’t know what sarcasm is, and I’m not both pedantic and cranky and don’t own a copy of Garner’s that i photocopied a page of and sent to his fifth grade teacher in order to dispute some trivial issue.

So anyway somehow Karena decided that his punishment for continued wrongness was to read The Great Gatsby.

Later…

Me: i wish I’d been punished like that. It’s one of my favorite books. i didn’t know you’d read it.

Karena: I HAVEN’T

Several hours later Rex announced that he was finished reading it.

Me: did you like it?

Rex: no it has bad words in it

Me: uh okay fine. What’s the name of the narrator?

Rex: … It doesn’t say?

Me: what happens in the book

Rex: umm there’s a death. A guy dies. Or two guys. Are murdered?

Me: Who?

Rex: i can’t remember but i did read it

This resulted in me making fun of him for about half an hour and giving Karena a headache e.g.

Me: you didn’t read it.

Rex: Yes i did!!!

Me: usually when you read something you remember the characters and the plot

Rex (flipping frantically): the name of the narrator is …Nick! It doesn’t say his last name!!

So now he is assigned a chapter a day and receives a quiz on each one. He’s probably glad he’s going back to school in a week. I’ll miss having someone to discuss the great Gatsby with. Karena probably won’t miss me reading favorite passages aloud at high volumes while chasing him around the house.

Ladies and Germs

Karena: GERMS AREN’T VISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE 

Quincy: My eyes aren’t naked! My head is their home… If i close my eyes will they still be naked?


Me: What is your name? 

Coach Jr: Coach! 

Me: And how old are you?

Coach Jr: Coach!


Megalodon

img_20170717_105301677.jpg

This prehistoric shark was the size of a school bus.  But school buses had not been invented yet so there was really no way to tell how big it was.

IMG_20170717_105432304

Coach Jr reluctant to be compared to size of “cookie cutter shark”

IMG_20170720_175755521_HDRKarena with wrist brace making insectile claw shadow

IMG_20170716_152818396_BURST000_COVER_TOP

I could only afford one calf implant.  If the market continues to boom, 2018 will be my year for lower leg symmetry.

IMG_20170708_133059041I assume she’s yelling “HOT CROSS BUNS” but possibly just howling nonsense.

IMG_20170705_140003119

Poor Kent Goom


Me: Sorry but your Hello Kitty travel mug is moldy or something. I’m gonna throw it away.

Quincy: But it’s my very new cup that i got for Christmas a long time ago when i was three


My father-in-law is recovering from heart surgery (hence recent pics with hospital setting) so I mowed his back yard.  He has a Troy-Bilt riding mower and it doesn’t have a gas pedal, just a brake and a lever for the speed.  If this was a good system for a vehicle than cars would operate like this.  Imagine as soon as you start your car and shift into gear that you must have the gas pedal depressed all the way.  He has a small fenced lawn with many obstacles & hopefully was not watching out the window as I mowed.  It was rambunctious.

Algebrant

I’m gonna say it was no coincidence that the day after i threatened to talk about underage Nazi squirrel porn until WordPress got its act together re: Android, that they unleashed a new beta version which fixes the problem of not being able to get rid of the blank spaces on top of pictures – by not letting you see the pictures at all in the editor, so if you post something twice for instance, there’s no recourse.

Speaking of rant, Karena’s BFF got coach jr an adorable remote control car for his birthday and he is terrified of it. Both Quincy and Rex are totally fascinated by the car (Quincy partly because her brother is scared of it; Rex because he didn’t like babyish toys until he turned ten). Anyways i was trying to choke down some dinner and read another page of infinite jest in peace because i had promised to play doh with Quincy before i took Rex to jiu-jitsu and then Coach Jr woke up from his nap.

Me: you guys stop playing video games and entertain your brother for five minutes

But by entertain they assumed i meant “traumatize”

Car: Honk honk! Vroom! Jingle!

Coach Jr: AAAAAAAA…

Quincy: Hahaha!

Me: put that car away he hates it

Rex: actually I’ve figured out he’s not scared of the car he’s technically scared of the remote part. You see, if i put the remote here and pick up the car… Or maybe if i pick him up and pick the car up i can put it

Coach Jr: …AAAAAAAA…

I then launched into an epic tirade which even though i resorted to the tired cliche of “let me eat in peace” I’m proud of myself for a) stentorian volume but without cracking voice, spraying food, spittle, etc b) not swearing c) the phrase “i don’t want to hear your convoluted theories about why he is scared of it I WANT YOU TO PUT IT AWAY” which Coach jr found funny for some reason.

I remember being little and nerdy and very curious about algebra and all mathematical topics i did not understand. Finally in sixth grade i was in advanced math so it was introduced something along the lines of x+4 = 5 i.e. sort of a puzzle to solve and though you could do this puzzle in your head obviously, you’d want Algebra if the question was something like 48x + 120 = 96.

I remember my younger brother being in advanced math but not as advanced and having to suffer through two years of 3x + 4x = ? The reaction of all the kids to this pointlessly drawn out instructional method being a) this is stupid b) this is good for nothing we already learned in kindergarten that 3 apples and 4 apples make seven apples you’re not fucking fooling us by calling them X’s and Y’s and etc.

If i may go off on a tangent (pun intended) trigonometry was kind of cool as long as we were finding mystery angles but once they admitted that the only real world application was finding the height of mysterious flagpoles if you could measure the shadow and were carrying a protractor i got a little angry (yes I’m sure there are other uses for trigonometry but the only one i remember besides flagpole is ship’s mast)

Also geometry involved a lot of proving that two lines were parallel and etc when some guy in ancient Greece had already proved it for fucks sake

I guess the whole reason i thought of this is because i found a paper from home school that Quincy had written 3x+4x = 7x on but I’m not mad at this particular instance because she’s four (this isn’t a brag either though she did for some reason draw two elephants on the paper which were bragable and by that i mean pretty hilarious)

Flopping a dump

After all you’re not taking it anywhere.

This is the worst game for toddlers ever invented. I call it “Don’t eat the beans”. Coach Jr won today but Quincy and Rex are about .500.




Coach Jr turned two, had birthday party.


I was trying to make a phone call and this game was going on. Everybody got punished.

Tennis anyone

Btw WordPress Android insists on putting a blank line on top of every picture. I’m tired of trying to click the millimeter sized left margin of my phone to remove it so I’m just going to use this space to post pro-nazi pedophilic bestiality propaganda.

Anyway Karena bought electric fly swatter on Amazon with my encouragement a couple of months ago. She immediately regretted making the impulse buy but changed her mind yet again after the thing arrived and i used it to discipline the children to scorch her ass during BDSM play and make it look like she sat on a waffle iron to efficiently, neatly, and entertainingly solve the insect problem.

I bought two more at harbor freight where they cost like $3. Old method of killing wasp in house was spraying jets of poison. Old method of killing flies was whipping them with dishrag. You can imagine the potential hygiene issues with doing either of these in the kitchen or kids bedroom.

This whole post is just a chance to tell everyone how yesterday i served a wasp in the gym like John McEnroe and hit that SOB so hard not to mention electrocuting it that it impacted the opposite wall with an immensely satisfying wet crunch and i never found the body but that’s fine.

Also today i killed a spider that was so goddam big that it caused an adrenaline dump that prevented me from either taking blog picture or reaching for the racket and trying to scoop it off the ground. Instead i beat it to death with a broom. Of course i was not whimpering, trembling, or gibbering with fear while I was doing this.