Spiral Learno

I switched to powdered spirulina to save money and because taking handfuls of pills seems unhealthy/low. Put 8g in my water/creatine/Walmart flavor workout drank. The taste was suboptimal. Who would have thought that algae was not delicious. I think tomorrow I’ll try 4g in workout water and 4g in protein and just be moderately revolted twice. I did snatch 150 lbs which is a PR for me shut up inb4 “spirulina must make you weak”

“Learno” is a moderately condescending toddler/baby term that i copyrighted. 


Me: How old are you, son?

Coach Jr: Two!

Me: aw, you’re a little learno.

Me (suspicious): and what’s your name?

Coach Jr: Two!


Rap acronym quiz

(Note: i know all the answers and am not reaching out to the hip internet community because I’m old)




Please help.

Moving back

I thought i would like to host my own WordPress but idk i don’t want to deal with databases and bullshit so I’m gonna move back to ruinchristmas.wordpress.com.  sorry not sorry. Full refunds will of course be given.  This will take place starting when I can move all the posts from here back over there effective immediately.  Everyone will be able to follow and things will be the way they were which is always the best for everyone. 

This blog will continue to be a 95% true PG-13 version of my life. This blog seems to have three eras.

  1. In the army and party and girls and asshole officers and retarded NCOs and lazy Coach and shooting guns and punching people and drinking Rockstar and gin.
  2. Out of the army and married and going to a commercial gym and asshats and idiots there and lifting every day and making fun of 5/3/1 and looking at girls in yoga pants
  3. Lifting in my garage and playing chess and playdoh and axis and allies, and mowing the lawn and home repair follies.

We’re still in the third era. I probably will post a bit less because seriously who cares and taking all these time to be unpaid Dave Barry and make witty posts for my six blog friends and my mom and all the rest of the internet cares about is “5/3/1” and “removing hp bloatware” and “pictures of celebrities pooping”

There will be a 95% fictional, non-family-friendly site at ruinchristmas.net. I’m sure it will be very offensive and not what you’re looking for and please take it down your story about the homosexual communist racist satanic rapists was pornographic and hurt my feelings because you based one of the characters on me and my wife and i thought there would be a weightlifting log and pictures of your kids like I’m used to not this filth how dare you.

Karena got in a car accident because people in the South are generally terrible drivers and one of them cut her off. Quincy was in the car and was uninjured. Car is totaled and Karena messed up her hand and knee and especially her eye so now she can’t lift Kent Goom or do any chores or be in the light or see things or not be in pain. Obviously we’re thankful it wasn’t worse and that Quincy was okay. But now there’s insurance and lawyers and driving her to physical therapy and etc.

Front squatted 320.

Questions for you people

Somecowboyguy – what were u complaining about the other day re the comments? Not being notified of them? Or you want next to each post “X comments”

H.erb.ert.silman – if i want a very simple webpage should i just use html and a text editor? Or should i get something more complex. Keep in mind that i don’t want blinking flash videos, ecommerce, etc. I’d settle for being able to view the site on a phone and a desktop.

Celica – do i need a dehumidifier for my garage? How would i know. I am asking you because Karena said to and because i know you have storage unit experience. We also keep clothes and other stored items out there. I haven’t noticed any of the signs of excessive humidity like steamed up glass, mold etc, but the humidity is often 70%+. Do those little tubs of calcium chloride work

Gutter snipe

So yesterday i cleaned the gutters.

Homeowner FAQ

Q: Why do houses have gutters?

A: if you don’t have gutters, water will drip off the roof and land on where the foundation meets the ground and seep into your basement.

Q: what if i don’t have a basement

A: then the water will puddle up there and mold/erode your foundation

Q: what if the roof has a big overhang? Then you wouldn’t need gutters right?

A: shut up and buy the gutters you don’t want to be the only home without them

Q: how often will the gutters need servicing

A: Gutters typically need unclogging or repair work every seven days. We’ll take care of that for a reasonable fee.

Q: can i unclog my gutters myself

A: haha! Oh you’re serious aren’t you.

Q: yes is there a way to tell if they need it?

A: after a year or so, trees will sprout from them, so try not to look up when you go in and out of your house. But your wife will eventually notice and then you won’t have a choice.

Q: Are there any dangers i should be aware of when i clean the gutters?

A: yes we designed them so that they are just a smidgen too high for someone your height to safely reach when standing on that ladder you own. Also we filled them with wasps.

Q: can the wasps sting through gloves?

A: take a look at this poor bastard & you tell me


Q: ouch his right hand looks all swollen and itchy

A: hehe his fingers are like little sausages

Despite my injuries set a clean PR. That’s not impressive since it was 215. Pounds.

Feeding people germs

Quincy (to Rex): Can you stop reading and play toca hospital with me?  But can you please play nicely and not feed people germs?

IMG_20170525_082628.jpgthe only time Coach Jr ever put something on his head and said “hat” – and it was a hat.

I use the Myfitnesspal app as does approximately 30% of America.  I use the free version because the premium features are not worth paying for (& it’s expensive).  “See a breakdown of each meal by percent of carbohydrate/protein/fat”  no thanks i don’t care because i eat two meals.  “Enter random amounts of carbs/protein/fat into your diet” um for all the times when i shove something in my mouth and don’t know what it is – BUT I KNOW IT HAS 17G of CARBS, 6G OF PROTEIN AND 10G OF FAT

also the ads aren’t annoying enough to make me want to pay to get rid of them. they seem to be mainly interspersed with the low quality (6 ways to drink more water! Try these healthy greek yogurt peach margaritas! Indoor cycling – it’s called spinning!) blog posts which I never even noticed until I discovered how idiotic they are (i still don’t read them but i like to be outraged by the titles)

but anyway a large quantity of the ads seem to be for Depends which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I mean most old people don’t even own smartphones or seem like they’d be interested in an app like this.  Idk it’s worrying will this be a product I’ll need soon.  or maybe i should feel good if tons of people in my advertising demographic have to wear adult diapers and I don’t I’m outstanding.

Benched 320.  Embarrassed America with cleans

Idk wtf this is

But i found it during the periodic removal and sorting of media from Karena’s phone.​

Tantrum or dance? Test of new phone capabilities or pantomime portion of home school curriculum?

(edit I made this post on june 11 but I reposted because it was in video format which apparently means that you want to type a bunch of words and upload pics but not have them be visible)

Coach Jr is terrified of static on the TV and certain random toys. This makes me kinda sad. Poor wimperish tiny Coach version.

Rex: look, he hates this ball!


Me: o look, you hate getting spanked unmercifully for frightening infant me.

He likes cans of beans pretty good tho

& for some reason this oatmeal packet and a pair of infant camouflage pants that he insists on sleeping with.

Cleaned 210 and squatted hbs 370.

Read “how to kill a city” about gentrification. Didn’t like. Picked up homo deus. Read a chapter or two near the end. Interesting so far. Fatman would like or anyone else who is trapped in a computer simulation

Nimsowitsch Defense

After several weeks of trying, finally defeated lichess AI level one. 

Coach Jr conducts imoptrant business.

Time for Teletubbies.

High bar squatted 375. Did a lot of push pressing none noteworthy.

I keep that thang on me like a preacher do a Bible



Library and every other toddler play time area has play kitchen. Every child puts the plastic food in their mouth. I’m just saying that the usual response is to tell them to knock it off – or if they’re babies – seize it – then look at the other parents and shake your head and sigh. Nasty dumb babies fooled by realistic imitation food. But it’s pretty low IMO to let your kid continue to gnaw on something for half an hour.

Changing the subject to perfect children – i was supposed to buy Quincy a $3 clearance watch from Walmart but upgraded her to $7 my little pony model (in lieu of “soggo mini babies” tablet game i said I’d get her – she said she’d rather have the watch)

She was very pleased with it

Quincy has a my Little pony (pinkie pie) and carries it around almost all the time & sleeps with it etc. Shockingly (though charmingly) when Coach Jr finds it lying around, he’ll bring it to her (rather than bouncing it on the ground which he does with every other object he gets his fat little hands on)

Cutting Coach Jr’s nails…

Me: Snip! Snap! (Repeat)

Coach Jr: (looks pleased)

Next time, i didn’t say anything when i cut them…

Coach Jr: Shit! Shit! SHIT!

Well almost perfect.

Front squat 310 bunch of sad cleans

This is how to poop

Translated for non-Spanish speakers like hsilman.

Left to right (front row): me, Karena, cookie cutter star McGee. (Back row): babyhead McGee and her rattle

It was hot yesterday so when Coach Jr clamored for bubbles, Grandma set the bubble machine up in the kitchen instead of the driveway. BTW bubble machine is infinitely superior to doing it by hand x1000 while a toddler screeches for more and you get it all over yourself and then they spill it.

Note mop at the ready.

Quincy whapped Coach Jr on the head and got bubbles in his hair but he didn’t notice

Once Coach Jr squatted down and started using the wand to shovel bubbles into his mouth, Grandma decided it was clean up time.

Front squatted 305 and did a bunch of push presses but nothing good because i thought i would wear a belt and then realized i was failing because it was so tight that i couldn’t raise my arms all the way

Slow motion dish washery

I trained Rex to load and unload Bosch the dishwasher. IOW I turned a painless task that took me about ten minutes a day into something Rex can get done in only 2.5 hours if I shout and threaten him. 

I still do the hand washed dishes myself. Partly because Rex would probably break my precious imitation Corning Ware out of spite and partly to unwind from the stress of dish coaching.  I’ve found that I can read kindle books while I wash. If anything the dishes get cleaner this way since if I’m at an interesting part Ive noticed i keep washing the same dish for maybe a few more minutes than I need to.

I can get away with this multitasking because I used to be a fully credentialed professional dishwasher. But i wouldn’t recommend it to amateurs.  Yesterday Karena’s dad accidentally played part of Juicy by Notorious BIG instead of the toddler video he was trying to show the children. I was telling Karena about this when we were getting dinner ready for the kids and got a hankering to watch it (juicy, not little baby bum) and managed to pour about a quart of milk directly onto the floor.

This video is in slow motion. Karena got a new phone (because she dropped hers, enabling me to get one too). She’s obsessed with this feature.


Me: wow it’s a video of coach Jr eating things out of the trash in slo-mo.

Front squat 300, sldl 320 x 4,3,3,3

Ant Beard

Rex needed a hat for camp.  Left to right: His suggestion, my counter-proposal, the compromise.

I was cleaning the shed and came inside to wash up for dinner and it felt like there was something in my beard.  It was an ant and it bit/stung me on my collarbone.

puzzled itchiness => pain/rage => frantic paranoid tearing at facial hair in search for more vermin while capering and hooting at reflection = i’m glad no video exists of this life moment although it would be kinda funny

broke streak and missed lifting day after Quincy dance recital breaking 30 day streak but overall things going well:

today did 290 front squat still building those wrists this is such a stupid exercise and failed to clean 210 or even 205

Interstellar Boss

Quincy: You’re not a boss
 Me: Yes I am. I’m the boss. I’m the Head Of The Household! (looks around to make sure Karena is not in earshot, sigh)
 Quincy: No you’re not. Bosses are bad guys. You’re a good guy.
She has been watching a lot of super mario gameplay videos on youtube lately but still this made me feel good.

Been watching Interstellar before bed for the last month, 3-4 nights a week… in tiny chunks
(the very first night I started watching she stayed up and finished the whole thing)
Me: I’m getting sleepy.  I want to get a good night’s rest.
I know this drives her crazy which is part of the reason why I do it.
Question for mopers:  Brent was the reason I watched this.  I was curious why he said he wanted to be like TARS.  I still am.  Please help me understand.

today push pressed 225 and high bar squatted 365

Playing shed quest

Fatman: Shed Quest RPG  > most games funded through Kickstarter. Would pledge $5 any day.

Actually there have already been several players:

1. FIL escaped the dungeon with the 1/2 and 3/4 inch sceptres of socket​ wrenchery which I had coveted & knew were in there. Hobbit-literate readers can draw parallel to the Arkenstone.  

2. “Wilbur,” the son of the neighborhood patriarch, came over with his truck and trailer to haul away treasure (see pics from last shed post – that’s his hand). He collects scrap metal & is the goto guy if you want to get rid of stuff that’s too big to put in the trash.  He was somewhat puzzling to deal with because he evinced interest in nothing. No matter what object i offered him, he showed the same good-natured indifference…

Me: do you want this? I think it’s got metal in it maybe.

Wilbur: sure I’ll take it.

Me: here you go it’s a giant ingot of copper!

Wilbur: all right.

Me:  …old computer… Sack of smelly garbage… Dead rat… Cast iron stove… Wad of frayed extension cords…?

Wilbur: i’ll take anything (x100)


Finally push pressed 220. Did some front squats. Kept streak alive – last day i missed was may 5.  

This picture has been hanging over our bed for three years. I’ve never noticed it before.  

Workout log

Today i low bar squatted 410 and clean & push pressed 205. I bought a shop light for the shed project. Now i can see the rat droppings much better.

FIL (helping me assemble light): when i need something like this i just go to harbor freight. They have all sorts of…

Me: i did! That’s where i got it. It was my first time going there.

FIL (after long pause where he smiled like he had many fond memories of buying discount tools): i love that place.

Shed Quest RPG

Welcome brave adventurer! You enter the dilapidated and pestilent catacombs. The ancient fluorescent torch flickers overhead.  The smell of decay is heavy in the air. Roll d100.

01-20 Rat poop. Unless you’re wearing gloves, roll on the infectious disease table. If you are wearing gloves, discard them and buy a new pair.

21-25 Dead bugs. They got in but couldn’t get out.  Perhaps you’ll suffer the same fate.

25-30 Wasp attack. 1d12 enraged insects try to sting the fuck out of you. If you’ve brought your trusty spray of carcinogenic foam, commence battle – else roll a six sided die to retreat:

1 – 3: ouch. Roll d20 to determine the number of stings.

4: trip over rusty rake and injure self. Wasps too busy laughing to sting you. Crawl away moaning

5 – 6: Escape shrieking and flailing into the sunlight. Roll d8 to count the number of neighbors who witness this

31-34 Dead rat. Roll d6 if you like. But no matter what you roll, its corpse is disgusting and stuck to something.

35 Lord of Rats.  It is the size of a possum.  It has been living here longer than you. There’s no food in the shed so it has had to eat other rodents and drink toxic cleansers.  It’s pissed about the mousetraps – and you’re in its bathroom.  There’s no time to get a gun. Heft your trusty axe and/or sledgehammer and roll to see who gets initiative.

36-51 Rusty nail, screw, or miscellaneous sharp metal thing. Roll saving throw for tetanus.

52-60 Tool. Roll d10:

1-6: obviously trash. Discard and roll again

7: mystery item. Ponder what this once did, why your wife’s late great uncle had it in his shed, and recognize your own mortality…someday an adventurer will handle your treasured items. Lose 1-5 minutes. Discard item.

8: not something you could use but maybe your father-in-law, wife, poor people, or someone on the internet could… Discard before they learn of it.

9: useful and fully functional tool… But you own a better/newer one and you don’t need two. Move it back and forth across the shed 2d4 times looking for a place to put it

10: useful and expensive tool – This item is worth a good bit of money. You know because you bought one last week.

61-70 Potion

Randomly pick one of these: wood, weed, insect, leather, rodent, rust, furniture, metal, engine

And one of these: solvent, cleaner, poison, degreaser, polish, enamel, lubricant, repellant 

Contents under pressure. Container may be a bit degraded. Use at your own risk.

71-80 Digital treasure – You’ve found electronic or computer equipment worth hundreds or thousands of dollars – if it was in good condition…and it was still 1991.

81-90 fake treasure – it’s still in the package! But it’s from the 1980s and either decomposing or a part to something they don’t even make anymore. Discard but feel guilty.

91-97 cursed motor oil of environmental remorse – you could just chuck it in the trash but if your wisdom is over 8 you’ll be compelled to lug it to be disposed of properly

98 magical weapon +5 gasoline powered hedge trimmer.  LGU must have left this item to aid you with your next quest against the bushes of doom and/or your fingers.

99 Mystery tome 1883 copy of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Pretty cool. But also gnawed on and bloodstained so perhaps it should stay where it is for now.

00 Cursed artifact – You’ve unearthed the Patio Furniture of Antiquity! The discoverer of this relic can see it for what it is – a worthless set of rusty tables and chairs. But all of his relatives will be deceived by a magical curse. Not only will they believe that it is of immense value but they will be under the illusion that they had been had been planning for years to repair and repaint this furniture. If the discoverer attempts to give or throw away the furniture, his relatives will fly into a frenzy and demand that he immediately undertake a perilous quest to effect its recovery.

Someone rolled 00.

Test for cowboy

This excuses me from making a decent post as i can claim I’m just testing the suscribability of my blog.


Seen today: Group of kids wearing daycare shirt reading “Helping our kids to a brighther future”


Quincy’s newest imaginary thing to be (succeeding cat and pretend baby cookie) is the strangest yet: a soap. I thought it was just nonsense but today…

Quincy: Soaps eat dirt and hair.

This statement has me on guard.


Low bar squatted 405. Push press missed 215 but later worked up to 200×2. Made video but my sd card had a malfunction

stupid categories

so today instead of the explosive content you have come to expect i changed the look of my site.  i am not married to the new look.  For instance I would like it to be dark around the edges white in the middle and the text black.  See how I have failed at this.  i just want any look that doesn’t say “Posted in CATEGORY” at the end of each post.  so expect more new looks but they’ll take less time.

anyway high bar squat 345, did some volume, couldn’t even clean & press 195, did some remedial work. weighed 163.8

“Quincy” got the apron and chef’s hat for Karena for Mother’s Day


Above: Karena, Me, Coach Jr (aloft)

I love Atlas obscura although it’s not the best mealtime reading (and not only because Rex keeps trying to read it sideways and announce fascinating sites to the family before I can). Probably 50% of all entries (70% of European entries) involve preserved corpses (or bits of them). Apparently when a monk or a saint dies no one ever just buries them underground like regular people. You’ve got to do something gross with them, I guess.

Coach Jr lulled to sleep with book of himself.

Here i put a pot from Quincy’s play kitchen on his head and he rushed to the mirror to admire his shiny new hat.


I’ve trained 18 days in a row. I’ve decided to do only six lifts (not counting sledgehammer, neck harness and other such capers) they are low bar squat, high bar squat, push press, bench, clean & press and stiff leg dl

Today i did high bar squat 335 (I’ll go up on this one quick because i haven’t done it in forever; it replaced snatch which i did get 150 but finally gave up on again) missed 220 push press and SLDL 300,305,310 x 3. Volume except for SLDL which is only volume

Jack Sprat

I feel like i titled a post this before but search said no.


Quincy has half a bell pepper and complains about 4 oz of milk. She will eat meat but only if it’s fish or tasty. (Like bacon)

Coach Jr has 12 oz of whole milk. He did not eat the pork but i took it away before he could throw it. He revenged by shaking his cup upside down to get the last droplets on the table and smearing them.

He now is the same weight as Quincy although 2.5 years younger and a foot shorter.

I gave them a bunch of pumpkin seeds which they both like and i think are healthy.

For dessert Coach Jr didn’t trust Smarties so i gave him a Snickers mini (the inch cube size) because Quincy was having one. She and i split the Smarties.

Today i missed a 205 clean and a 220 push press. i did high bar squat 325 before running out of time. Did some volume too which mostly consisted of missing 205 & 220 over and over.

Emails from Rex

Rex likes getting email from my parents. They write him long, thoughtful letters. He is pretty busy during the school week but on the weekend we have a conversation like this…

<>Rex: can i play video games?

Me: Why don’t you reply to your grandparents email?

Rex: aw… Do i have to?

Me: No.  i will tell them that you don’t love them and you don’t want any more presents and your name shall be stricken from the list of grandchildren and you can just do yard work and pushups instead.

Five minutes later Rex has written an email that looks something like this:

How are you?  I am fine*

What is 999999999+9999999?

Did you know that Edward III (13 November 1312 – 21 June 1377) was King of England from 25 January 1327 until his death; he is noted for his military success and for restoring royal authority after the disastrous and unorthodox reign of his father, Edward II?

Quincy spilled her milk at dinner and she cried. Coach Jr pooped his pants and said a bad word.

I forgot what my favorite food is.

The answer is i don’t know how.


I went to camp Smythe last week. I got to level two which is gold

Love, Rex

* he starts every letter like this – i think i taught him this when he was three – as a joke – and it has proven to be the most durable thing I’ve ever taught him)

Now he has to send all emails to me first for approval

I wish there was someone i could send these blog posts to for approval. They could show me to fix the font. Deal with it.


Quincy decided she wants to have a baby sister named Sarah.  Karena and I both told her no, so she decided that she would call Coach Jr “Sarah” from now on.  Coach Jr has not objected.  He’s still calling himself Kent Goom.  Also he calls her “see-say” (trying to say “sissy”)


Distraught because left behind yet again


Karena found this crack pipe in our yard.  It’s not really a crack pipe but right when she sent me this pic, Rex was saying the phrase “Beam me up Scotty” which is an epic-level coincidence that you probably don’t care about.

image000001the last? pokeball

IMG_20170509_191720baby sarah would not conduct herself in such an undignified manner

IMG_20170510_064710here hold still so i can take a picture of you before school and post it on my blog so strangers can make fun of the way you dress yourself.  earlier attempts were censored because he had crumpled six dollar bills into a wad and stuffed them in his pocket and it looked lewd


Rex: Maybe they will in the future.

IMG_20170511_110809took a temporary break from Grifters because i found Atlas Obscura at the library

IMG_20170511_170236playdoh Mii of Karena


Me: No, I did.


Quincy ran pink and brown play-doh together through the extruder.

Me (unwisely): that looks like someone ate a bunch of bubblegum and pooped it out


needless to say there were no more family Miis made and the remainder of playdoh play involved Wario and Yoshi blaming each other for leaving their poops lying around.

Date: Friday, May 11, 2017

Wt: 161.8

T/h: 69/68

Start time: 4:21

CPP: 45, 95, 121, 155, 175, 185P, 155 x 2

Squat: 225, 275, 325, 345, 360, 315 x 3

Bench: 135, 215, 245, 275, 295, 265 x 3

SLDL: 225, 275, 325, 375, 325 x 3

End time: 5:33

Sets: 24

Time: 72

Brown Ease

Q: Did you hear about the new laxative?

A: It’s called Brown Ease!

get it – brownies. copyright.

blog men pooping outdoor, can the original 5/3/1 be used as a leader in 5/3/1 forever by jim wendler, blog outdoor men shitting, 531 no deadlift

reviewing search terms that lead people to your blog can always be enlightening.

I very much wanted to see this animal, especially the new historic game of baccarat, and this was a good place, for it ranks next to Monte Carlo for high play and plenty of it. But the result was what I might have expected — the interest of the looker-on perishes with the novelty of the spectacle; that is to say, in a few minutes. A permanent and intense interest is acquirable in baccarat, or in any other game, but you have to buy it. You don’t get it by standing around and looking on.
-Mark Twain (from Europe and Elsewhere)

Reading The Grifters now, is pretty good.  I think i watched a little of the movie but all I remember is John Cusack getting hit in the stomach.

wt: 161.8

tried some rack bench today pressed 340 a quarter inch or so.  squatted 390 to some pins did 350 high bar squat, 345 SLDL x 3



Quincy, Rex, and Karena going around talking about Pimpkins. Turns out they mean Pikmins (from the video game with Olimar)

Coach Jr was very amused at Quincy tearing leaves off this bush. 

Playing some sort of cake making game that he doesn’t understand but is happy to just be included.


Wt: 161.8

Lifted. I guess the highlight was 465 deadlift off pins and lowlight was missing 211 push press.

It’s much easier to enter workout logs like this. Next I’ll have Rex type it up and save even more time