“…Silk linen, good livin, fast women…”
– these may be song lyrics but i can’t find the song and they are probably not accurate, nor in the correct order. Nonetheless they are stuck in my head
On the way to jiu-jitsu with Rex, there’s this ~7 yo kid who is always out in his front yard along a country road, and always shoots at our car, usually with plastic six-shooter, sometimes with forefinger/thumb gun. I always return imaginary fire. It’s hard to say who’s winning in terms of putting imaginary bullets on target but I’m gonna say me because I’m firing imaginary MAC-10 on full auto vs cowboy pistol and he’s not even fanning the hammer.
These encounters took a possibly depressing turn when the other day he was standing out in the pouring rain, indicating maybe either garbage parents and/or an unhealthy commitment to pretend gunplay.
So to cheer him up, yesterday (sunny), I unloaded my real Desert Eagle in his direction, obviously missing on purpose, but producing a sweet authentic fireball of muzzle flash with each round, as well as a deafening noise which Rex whined about later (even though i took hearing protection precautions – remember when conducting drive-by shootings to extend the weapon from the vehicle, or you might as well save time and ammo and puncture your eardrums with an icepick). Impressively (although not entirely surprisingly) he didn’t even seek cover – just stood in the Weaver stance, the neon tip of his barrel held steady.
Back to things that are (completely) true, Rex still goes to Jiu-Jitsu/MMA 4x a week but a lot of times i just drop him off and come back to watch the last ten min or so (usually when they go live). This is partly because they don’t have AC and it’s been 90-100 F. They do have big fans pointed at the mats and sometimes if you sit near one (not in front of one I’m not that much of a cocksucker) you get some breeze but still. Also I think they had a summer discount – I could be wrong but there was a plethora of new kids with no gis (usually they start getting on you to buy your kid one after a week or two) & hideously fat parents bringing junk food and the entire extended family every time so not even room to sit, not to mention bratty little kids wandering about, bored teenagers fooling with stray dumbbells etc, and most of this has cleared up with the start of school but disgustingly obese people are also the reason i don’t want to go to the Chinese buffet anymore and certain folks who are allegedly more tolerant and sensitive feel the same way.
Rex: we haven’t gone to the Chinese buffet lately.
Me: Yeah we’re not going there ever again, sorry, there’s too many grossly fat people, it spoils my appetite.
Karena: DON’T SAY THAT! IT’S NOT THAT THEY’RE FAT…
Me: fine you explain why we’re not gonna eat there anymore
(five minutes later)
Karena: … AND EATING DIRECTLY OUT OF THE BUFFET LIKE THEY CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO THE TABLE AND BREATHING HEAVILY AND SWEATING AND NOT SAYING EXCUSE ME WHEN THEY PUSH BY YOU TO GET AT THE DESSERTS AT LEAST AT (the steak place) THE PEOPLE ARE POLITE…
Me (interrupting her rant with unhelpful analogy): it’s like a bunch of guys with emphysema and oxygen masks, coughing, then being like “hey man do you want a cigarette?”
So I started going to the nearby McDonald’s, ordering a $1 unsweet tea and sitting there playing on my phone or reading local paper. The McDonald’s was always strangely vacant for near prime dinner hour in the obesity capital of the world. I soon found out why. The first time i got attacked by two flies (& was of course without trusty electric racket). I forgave them for this, after all, flies get into my house & i have blogged about it because in small quantities, it’s usually a sign of “some idiot left the door open” rather than “this place is a cesspool of filth.” Some of the tables were gross and sticky, but this happens at any fast food place because people are slobs and it takes a while between the time the customers leave and someone notices & can clean the table. A lot of the employees seemed to be leaning rather than cleaning but maybe they were on break.
I chalked the various warning signs up to coincidence and returned the following day. This time there weren’t flies buzzing around but i did notice quite a few dead bugs around the drink machines. Also trash around machines, and splatters of presumably soda on counters and walls (“presumably” bc I’m assuming this is what attracted – and killed – the bugs – but it was really high up on the walls, higher than could be accounted for by even serious but accidental sloshing and splashing) Also puddle of soda on floor with nearby yellow “watch your step” thing. Also overflowing trash cans. Hairs on counter. Etc.
I politely as i could pointed this out to the manager
Me: sir there seems to be a lot of dead insects over here
Him: oh my goodness yes I’ll get right on it and thank you for pointing this out to me your concern is our concern and etc
Anyway i had already paid for my drink so i loitered in a rear area so as not to either have employees glaring at me “that douchebag over there in the beard was the one” or to make it seem like i was hovering & supervising.
I did glance over on my way out. Some of the dead bugs had been cleaned up. Not sure how they decided which corpses merited removal. Needless to say, wall soda, floor soda, and trash status were unchanged. I contacted McDonald’s HQ and they did contact me back and assure me that everything would be corrected and they were terribly sorry but of course when i went back a week later mostly out of curiosity the bugs were still there & this time i didn’t buy a tea.
You can make fun at my expense “gosh Coach, who would have thought that a fast food restaurant in America’s most unhygenic region and a state with last time i heard one remaining health inspector 150 miles away would be untidy and when i worked at McDonald’s we used to poop in the fry grease” but i guess if i want lots of insects around i can stay home.
Instead i have been going to a gas station for my tea even though it costs a few cents more especially factoring in that i have to drink it in my car with the AC on. Which is not great for the environment but basically this is what we supposedly fought a war in Iraq for. Come to think of it i spent the majority of my first tour in Iraq in an idling Humvee drinking cold (ish) beverages only slightly better armed.
Also there are interesting sights:
Some sort of confrontation involving what appeared to be white rappers and black rappers but at least one group was undercover or off-duty police and it may have not been an unfriendly confrontation.
- Guy who looked exactly like the late Kimbo Slice except larger, accompanied by toddler daughter
- Yesterday, two different women in white t-shirts and no bras. One was ~8 months pregnant, the other had tattoo writing on one breast but i didn’t bother to try to read it because she was very overweight and also had a face that could cancel any remaining interest generated by her attire
- Clerk, who during my transaction said in a lower but still audible voice “And then I’m going to take a nap and get something to eat.” She was not on any kind of bluetooth device nor was anyone else in earshot.
- Today someone who looked exactly like Lil Wayne including facial tattoos but was female and had ~6 ( cowboy if you are still reading “~” means “about”) teeth