Spiral Learno

I switched to powdered spirulina to save money and because taking handfuls of pills seems unhealthy/low. Put 8g in my water/creatine/Walmart flavor workout drank. The taste was suboptimal. Who would have thought that algae was not delicious. I think tomorrow I’ll try 4g in workout water and 4g in protein and just be moderately revolted twice. I did snatch 150 lbs which is a PR for me shut up inb4 “spirulina must make you weak”

“Learno” is a moderately condescending toddler/baby term that i copyrighted. 


Me: How old are you, son?

Coach Jr: Two!

Me: aw, you’re a little learno.

Me (suspicious): and what’s your name?

Coach Jr: Two!


Rap acronym quiz

(Note: i know all the answers and am not reaching out to the hip internet community because I’m old)




Please help.

Brown Ease

Q: Did you hear about the new laxative?

A: It’s called Brown Ease!

get it – brownies. copyright.

blog men pooping outdoor, can the original 5/3/1 be used as a leader in 5/3/1 forever by jim wendler, blog outdoor men shitting, 531 no deadlift

reviewing search terms that lead people to your blog can always be enlightening.

I very much wanted to see this animal, especially the new historic game of baccarat, and this was a good place, for it ranks next to Monte Carlo for high play and plenty of it. But the result was what I might have expected — the interest of the looker-on perishes with the novelty of the spectacle; that is to say, in a few minutes. A permanent and intense interest is acquirable in baccarat, or in any other game, but you have to buy it. You don’t get it by standing around and looking on.
-Mark Twain (from Europe and Elsewhere)

Reading The Grifters now, is pretty good.  I think i watched a little of the movie but all I remember is John Cusack getting hit in the stomach.

wt: 161.8

tried some rack bench today pressed 340 a quarter inch or so.  squatted 390 to some pins did 350 high bar squat, 345 SLDL x 3


Ape Lion Head

Quincy: [Unintelligible] … and Mommy says to play with my computer or my tablet but i don’t want to play with my computer or my tablet…

Me: oh? What do you want to play with?

Quincy: You, Daddy!


Me: ooh I’m going to make a popsicle

Quincy: no you can’t (takes play doh out of my hand)

Me: why not?

Quincy: because I’M going to make a popsicle (makes ice cream sundae instead) 

x 100.  It’s fine.

We made up another song of doggerel which will hopefully please Jackman:

Your pimbies are your panties.

Your pembies are your pants

Your jembies are your jammies

And it’s time to go to dance

Your dad is ape with lion head

Your mommy is a wimp

Girls are baby cookies

And your brother is a chimp

The original final line was “your brothers both are chimps” but when Rex heard it…

Rex: You’re a dirty chimp

Quincy: ::sob::

Me: listen you started it.

Karena is not fond of the song either but I’m pretty pleased that Quincy remembered that i was a lion-headed ape.

Poor Kent Goom.

More legible and not pink.


I tried installing RemixOS on a laptop. It’s Android for a PC and now i could have all the apps from my phone with the speed of a budget laptop. Impress Hsilman and maybe chaff Celica. It hung on install twice. POS. I installed Kali Linux instead which i don’t know how to use but it’s fine.


New things are coming

so there is going to be a new way.  first will be family anecdotes and discussions of books and faulty t-nation articles and so forth.

such as The Night Ocean, recommended by Fatman started ok a little MFAish, the tone and the main characters reminded me of a New Yorker story (later found out the author writes for the New Yorker) then got quickly super homosexual. Put it down after two chapters.  I think I’ll read Charles Dexter Ward again. To clarify it’s not that homosexually bothers me. For example the unexpurgated version of on the road is better IMO. It’s just that I admire Lovecraft’s writing (except for his obnoxious racial/religious ideas obviously) and the guy lived his whole life with no one knowing if he was gay and that’s how he wanted it and now here’s a book that is about his imaginary sex life with underage male prostitutes. That’s fine i mean he’s dead and gone write what you like, just seems kinda low.


(Lines will still be drawn like this because the Android version of WordPress is bad)

(Also i will randomly switch fonts apparently)

This is a picture of Coach Jr having a tantrum because he’s overtired.


then will be workout logs like this:

^this is what my workout log usually looks like i can’t use a phone because i’ll get chalk and sweat and drink on my phone.

Then i will make a comment about anything notable. I weighed 159.8 as you may or may not be able to see. Later that day (after six and a half hours of yard work) i weighed 158.2

this is my attempt to write neatly knowing that it would be uploaded.  tomorrow it will be even more legible just u wait.


any off color humor and girlie pics will go at the bottom so shield your eyes mom

So when Karena is making dinner she’ll ask how much meat i want because she enables my odd behaviors

I don’t know why she asked that but i thought my joke was pretty good. Copyright.

Show me butts

On recent road trip. Karena driving first leg. She got a thing that affixed her cell phone to the dashboard so she could use it as a GPS…

Me (reading): OK Google, play jazz?

Karena: NO DON’T.

YouTube pops up, replacing the map. Jazz music begins playing.


Me: Is that one of those voice-activated things like Alexa? So if somebody says “okay Google, show me butts,” it…

Phone: Loading butts!

Rex leans forward eagerly.  Karena yanks the phone out of the holder.  Car swerves across the road.

Me: Wow you really have to be careful with that thing.

I had a dream that i came up with a tongue twister. It was “co-signer, ghost writer”. It actually is a tongue twister so that’s something, even if it’s not really challenging. If i say it a few times fast, i start to say “ghost rider” but YMMV. It’s about on par with the time i invented two foods in one dream.

10/25/06: “A cherry egg was like an egg over-easy with that cherry topping they put on french toast on it.  A sausage burger is a hamburger with a beef patty AND a sausage patty.”

Declaring copyright on sausage burgers, cherry eggs, and my beginner tongue twister.

Quincy (singing): Baby butts! Baby butts!*


Quincy: I said Baby Bus!

I was there & that’s a filthy lie.

*Note before my mom or anyone else chastises me – she wasn’t in the car for the “show me butts incident” & therefore did not “learn this kind of talk from me” **

**She probably learned this kind of talk from me

wt: 167.2 yesterday cheated a little. Karena made a soup with the following ingredients: 2 lbs of cheese, 3 potatoes, a stick of butter, a pound of bacon, and a pack of diced ham, and a handful of green onions.  Then she made bread bowls for it. (so yes ape soup = toast is the bowl).  It did look very inviting; perhaps I could find a place for it in my diet…

Me: how many calories are in the soup?

Karena: IT SAID 300

Me: For how much? A teaspoonful?

Karena: I DON’T KNOW

I calculated that one hollowed-out bread bowl filled to overflowing with cheese/butter soup = 594 calories because that was the exact number I had remaining for the day.  But then I figured why not; it was taking up room in the fridge and also drank a mason jar full of her grandmother’s homemade wine.

t/h: 44/69%

CPP: 170,175,180,185,190 x 1

Sqt: 435,445,455 x 1

SLDL: 275 x 3; 280,285 x 2

Pullups: 55 x 4,1

2SH: 3:15

Time: 1:06

Coach Pig

Rex kinda backslid and ended up spending two nights in the hospital.  He is for real better now.  It was just this stomach virus.

We finally got to play Ticket to Ride: Europe, last night and we kinda played wrong.  Everyone liked it.  Rex not so much but it was partly because he just made random train routes all over the map and therefore did not score as many points as you would from connecting destinations.

While he was in the hospital we played dice and card games.  I found this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig_%28dice_game%29 which mesmerized me, especially after i read this strategy paper: http://cs.gettysburg.edu/~tneller/papers/umap10.pdf.  I played the strategy against Karena and Karena+Rex and lost every single time.

Then i got tired of the clattering of the little dice so invented THIS NEW GAME.  Karena insists that I did not invent it cause it’s like Pig with cards.  But that’s like saying a car is not a new invention because there were already covered wagons.

I call it “Card Pig” or “Coach Pig” or “Bad Faces”; we’ll see which catches on:

  • shuffle one deck of cards
  • the object is to get 100 or more points
  • on your turn you draw cards one at a time
  • if you draw a 2-10 you add that many points to your turn score & you can draw again if you wish
  • if you draw an ace, that’s 11 added to your turn score & you can draw again
  • if you draw a face card, however, your turn ends and your score for the turn is zero.
  • if you end your turn voluntarily (i.e. after drawing a 2-10 or A) then you add your turn score to your total.

As you can see this simple game combines exciting fast-paced play with card counting and math, and is clearly the best game ever invented in the history of mankind.

only worked out two times in four days


wt: 174.4

Bot Pos Sqt #22: 45×3, 135×2, 225,275,320,330x1

#20: 340,350x1

Bench: 45x10p, 135×4, 225×3, 265,270,275,280×4

Sumo+mini band: 135×3, 225×2, 275×1, 300×1, 320x1

Mil Press: 125×6, 130×4, 135×5

time: 1:28


wt: 171.2

Pause Squat: 45×4, 135×3, 225×2, 275×1, 300,305,310,315,320×2, 325,330,335×1

Pause Med Grip Bench: 45x10p, 135×4, 185×3, 225,230×6, 235,240×5

JM Press: 195,200×5, 205,210×4

BTN Press: 105,110×6, 115×5

Sumo+monster: 135×2, 225,275,305x1

time: 1:37

Trying to figure out how to stop wordpress from putting a rainbow flag on my reader.

One Up and One Down

The main components of rap music:

  1. title of song – a catchy slogan that’s either cryptically violent “Put You On A T-Shirt”, cryptically sexual “Bands A Make Her Dance” or not cryptic at all “Boats n Hoez” Then shout the title of the song a lot during the song.  It’s best if the last word of the title rhymes with a lot of other words, but this is not necessary.
  2. name of group – “Yeah wazzup this is the Beatles.”  “Lennon in the house”  “The Liverpool Legends baby” okay you don’t get this in rock music very often.
  3. catchy beat
  4. sweet instrumental loop or sample
  5. (optional) lyrics that rhyme and/or make sense

My first hit song that I produced in my head several years ago was “Get Down on It”  It samples the Kool & the Gang tune

Except my version had a lot of yelling “get down on it” and humorously misogynistic lyrics. The video was full of strippers.  The phrase caught on like wildfire, appearing across pop culture, including on t-shirts (which were banned at several schools) and eventually was referenced on SNL (sign that the shark had been jumped).  There was a remix.  Busta Rhymes was on the remix.

I told Karena about my plan for hip-hop domination.


Me: …so like this: “Get Down On It” [hums a few notes from the Kool & Gang song badly off key] then like “Get Down ON It!”


Me: There is!  But you can’t copyright a title.  And I’m going to sample it.  And I think it will be the next big thing because the lyrics are suggestive but not obscene.  People will argue, like “What does ‘Get Down On It’ mean?  Get Down on what?”  Controversy!


Me: Wait, you haven’t even heard the lyrics yet!  Come back here –  [lowers voice to mutter] – and Get Down On It.

It actually turned out pretty good though they changed the name of the song and didn’t yell “Get Down On It” enough for my taste, and released it 11 years before I had the idea:

Unlike some artists, I’ve stayed away from drugs, and haven’t squandered a penny of my royalties.  But my imaginary public has been wondering when I would release my next hit.  They need wait no longer.


Me (triumphantly): One up and one down!

Karena: WHAT

Me: It’s my new song.  Remember “Get Down On It”?

Karena: SIGH

Me: Oh yeah…one up and one down!  It’s a catchphrase.


Me: You don’t know?  You put one leg up and one leg down.


Me: Exactly.  Go ahead and do it – put your foot up on the table…  see if you can be in the video.


ps i declare Copyright just like I did on Iraq World, Motorized Pants, and License Plate Obscurer.  However if anyone has any actual musical talent I’d be up for a collaboration.

Iraq World

Rachel Uchitel, the girl Tiger Woods is allegedly cheating on his wife with.  It’s hard to blame him.  I just cheated on my wife with this picture.
Rather than tell you what I did today in exhausting and overanalytical detail (worked on college applications, played with Rex, played Wii Resort, watched football with my father-in-law), I’ll tell you about an idea we came up with while I was in Iraq.  I declare copyright on this idea.  However, most of my ideas are the intellectual property equivalent of this stuff:
Nobody is standing in line to dispute my ownership of Motorized Pants, the Remote Control License Plate Obscurer and now …(drum roll)… Iraq World!
My buddy Scott and I came up with this one on one of our many missions in Iraq.  It’s a way for civilians to relive the thrill of war (and some of the annoyances) without the carnage and danger (depending on how drunk the carnies are that day).  The theme park is in some hideous desert in Arizona.  You arrive and are issued ACUs, a helmet, 55 lbs of body armor, 7 magazines full of blanks, an M-4, an MRE and some water.  You’ll get some basic safety guidelines and instructions on how to use an M-4 and a 50 cal.  Then you get briefed by some Sergeant First Class (retired) who yells at you like you’re in a football locker room at halftime, down a touchdown, and explains your mission.  Something about driving a convoy from point A to point B.  This differs from reality because pre-mission is the only time these people DON’T yell.  Twenty-three hours a day theiy’re hollering about something wrong with your uniform or why you were sleeping in the motor pool.  But before the mission they’re either: A. too nervous to continue the charade, B. too busy checking to make sure that you remembered your bullets, tied your shoes, etc. or C. Don’t want to make you angry immediately before they walk in front of eight privates with loaded automatic weapons.
Along with the motivational speech will be some powerpoint slides.  They’ll show the route, which doesn’t matter as you’ll see below, and a “High Value Target”, basically some bad-ass terrorist you’re supposed to be looking out for and in real life is probably in Syria.
Then you start your convoy.  Maybe you’re escorting some tractor trailers.  I haven’t decided yet whether to put the vehicles on rails like in Disney World or just have the drivers work for the theme park.  Driving a Humvee would be super cool for Joe and Jane civilian, but on the other hand, rear ending the guy in front of you during a sandstorm is not exactly the kind of thing that would make it easy to get insurance, and guns and explosions might have to be enough of a thrill.
On the way, you get to talk on the radio and say things like “Wolfpack 1-6, this is Wolfpack 1-3, radio check, over.”  Everything is routine and dull, until AMBUSH!  An IED (pyrotechnically simulated of course) goes off in front of the lead vehicle.  Some of the American actors are wounded and spray fake blood all over the place.  Then RPGs go whizzing over head and there’s shooting.  It’s a bunch of Al-Qaeda guys in pickup trucks with machine guns in the back.  Quick, 50 cal gunners, waste them!  After the technicals are blown up, they’re hiding behind a berm.  The high value target is back there.  Time to dismount and push through the ambush.  After you wipe out all of his men, (played by either Mexicans or Arabs, whichever is cheaper) Abu Hussan surrenders and you have to zip-tie and sandbag him and bring him back alive.
Back at the FOB, you get to eat at an actual chowhall simulator and then there’s an awards ceremony, where you all receive Army Commendation Medals (downgraded from Bronze Stars).
Too soon?  Why can we have Civil War re-enactments but not Iraq War ones?  I declare COPYRIGHT on this idea.  Investors?