Educating Daughter

Yesterday (Sunday) Quincy (who sometimes reminds me of the robot from Short Circuit in terms of both zeal for data/input and how it’s funny when they jump) insisted on doing Khan Academy until she’d finished first grade, she was exhausted, and Karena was frazzled. 

Today Karena had early appointment & her mom took her. Quincy interrupted my breakfast…

Quincy: i want to do Khan but hidden pictures is out.

Me: what? You can do Khan. I don’t care. Or do hidden pictures (reluctantly leaving the table, i deduced that this was some sort of workbook that had been left out but i wasn’t sure if it was intentional)

Quincy (now in tears & hopping up and down): i don’t want hidden pictures can do Khan mom said i can it’s not up the book out (i.e. frantic gibberish)

Me: Look, i am just here in some sort of custodial capacity. I am not in charge of the education of young women. Go play video games and let me alone. Go see what your brother is doing.

Kent Goom in front of the learning/babysitting machine.

Spiral Learno

I switched to powdered spirulina to save money and because taking handfuls of pills seems unhealthy/low. Put 8g in my water/creatine/Walmart flavor workout drank. The taste was suboptimal. Who would have thought that algae was not delicious. I think tomorrow I’ll try 4g in workout water and 4g in protein and just be moderately revolted twice. I did snatch 150 lbs which is a PR for me shut up inb4 “spirulina must make you weak”

“Learno” is a moderately condescending toddler/baby term that i copyrighted. 

Usage

Me: How old are you, son?

Coach Jr: Two!

Me: aw, you’re a little learno.

Me (suspicious): and what’s your name?

Coach Jr: Two!

Sigh.

Rap acronym quiz

(Note: i know all the answers and am not reaching out to the hip internet community because I’m old)

KOB

BSB

YTK

Please help.

The Power of Winning

Quincy: Can Poopington eat anything?

Me: Yeah, he can eat dirt, poop, stuff off the floor without getting sick. It’s one of his powers.

Quincy: Do I have any powers?

Me: sure, you have the power of math*, uh, tumble powers… 

Quincy: i have the power of winning.

It’s true, as anyone who’s ever played a board game with her can attest…

Rex: yay i won!

Quincy: i won!

Me: no you didn’t honey, Rex won. You finished in second place, which is okay. You won the last time we played and perhaps you will win next time.

Rex: I told you so! You lost! That makes you the loser of the game. Hahaha!

Me: i changed my mind. Quincy won.

Quincy: yay!

Rex: WHAT!? THAT’S NOT FAIR!!1

Me: go to your room

Quincy: yay!

* I’m not a big believer in self-esteem or feminism but if you are good at math or Scratch jr programming for your age it counts as a legit power.


^not winning

Asterism

Karena: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE BIG DIPPER* IS NOT A CONSTELLATION? IT’S AN ASTERISM.**

* The plough, for UK readers

** Part of an actual constellation, in this case Ursa Major, which is Latin for “looks nothing like a bear”

A debate ensued. My side of the argument was mostly “You can’t be telling me which constellations to believe in” and Karena’s was along the lines of  “I BET YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT’S ALL MAD ABOUT PLUTO”

Then…

Me: what’s this… —> ?

Karena: AN ARROW?

Me: Right. But if you are talking about it in front of mathematicians and you call it an arrow you’ll get laughed at. Then it’s a ray. But it’s still an arrow.

Karena: …

I took Karena’s silence to be an admission of surrender (she actually started watching TV but we husbands will take our victories where we find them) but nevertheless continued on in this vein for several minutes until i was told to shut up.

Me: …or i walk into an airport with an M-16 and am like “it’s not a gun, it’s a rifle

Quincy’s picture of me. Fairly accurate.

Quincy’s picture of herself, apparently with mange.

The Great Fatsby

Fatman: I mean, I get there‚Äôs some sort of narrative. Rich people in the 1920s threw lavish parties and felt disillusioned and oh so melancholy and behaved badly as a result and it was all rather tragic. 

Most of the main characters in Gatsby are rich (though not the Wilsons and their set – and they’re a charming bunch themselves). Therefore, to get anything out of the book, it’s important to see the difference between how the characters conduct themselves.  For example, Tom Buchanan is not like everyone else – he’s a hypocritical, (extra) racist, sleazy piece of shit.  

Compare to Nick, who breaks it off with a girl back home rather than stringing her along.  He probably could have married Jordan, but he realizes that deep down she’s dishonest trash. He chooses to earn his money honestly (well as a bond salesman but anyhow ūüėĀ)rather than become involved in “gonnegtions” with Gatsby and Wolfsheim. He’s loyal.

Nick is no saint to be sure – he drinks illegal alcohol, probably says a bad word at some point (I’ll check with Rex for citations), and kisses girls. His lawn is unkempt. But saying there’s no difference between the rich people in the book (keep in mind Gatsby, Wolfsheim, and the Buchanans are a whole nother level of rich compared to Nick and Jordan) is like saying all poor people or all Russians in other books are the same.

—-

Today mowed the lawn. Rex claimed that he weeded the cracks in the driveway three days ago and that the weeds grew back.  I was skeptical and sent him out to (re)weed while i mowed. There was a lot of trash and sticks in the ditch by the road so i sent him over there to clear that first. He picked up one thing and started walking inside. I finished my lap and came inside to catch him standing in the kitchen sipping water out of a cup. 

Rex: what? I got thirsty.

There were three full water bottles on the counter. I picked up Rex and the bottles and flung all four out of the door with some velocity. Quincy found this hysterically funny.

Karena (later): SHE IS EVIL

Karena later remarked that the house was very quiet (and not headache inducing) when it was just her and the littles.

Karena: YOU AND REX HAVE A VERY LOUD RELATIONSHIP. YOU’RE LIKE SARGE AND BEETLE BAILEY.

i thought this was pretty apt. Coach Jr is a lot like Otto IMO.

Or maybe not i never wear this outfit.

Training to never have to pick sticks again

Visigothic culture

Studies show that the Visigoths had the highest testosterone of any ancient people. What about the Visigothic women, you ask, snickering into your hand, did they have high testosterones and the resultant mustaches and burly physiques? No, you ignoramus. There were no Visigothic women. They got all their women by taking them from other tribes, either in warfare or trade. Usually trade, because for example, ten sheep for one woman is a great matrimonial deal for both an Iraqi shepherd (I’ve seen drone video that i can never unsee) and a Visigoth. ¬†Also the Visigoths were a peaceful people who would never sack a city except in the most exceptional circumstances such as it being in their way or in their field of vision.

By “put something on your feet” i guess she thought i meant “it’s August, put on a wool hat and mittens”

Coach Jr (randomly): Red! Yellow! Green! Pink! Purple! Cron!

Me: Cron? You mean brown?

Coach Jr: Red! Yellow! Green! Pink! Purple! Cron!

Rex got punished for rolling his eyes when Karena was telling him something, then claiming this was an example of sarcasm.

Initially his punishment was receiving a lecture from me in the car on the definition of sarcasm.

But then he made the mistake of arguing with me about it. Great idea. Like i don’t know what sarcasm is, and I’m not both pedantic and cranky and don’t own a copy of Garner’s that i photocopied a page of and sent to his fifth grade teacher in order to dispute some trivial issue.

So anyway somehow Karena decided that his punishment for continued wrongness was to read The Great Gatsby.

Later…

Me: i wish I’d been punished like that. It’s one of my favorite books. i didn’t know you’d read it.

Karena: I HAVEN’T

Several hours later Rex announced that he was finished reading it.

Me: did you like it?

Rex: no it has bad words in it

Me: uh okay fine. What’s the name of the narrator?

Rex: … It doesn’t say?

Me: what happens in the book

Rex: umm there’s a death. A guy dies. Or two guys. Are murdered?

Me: Who?

Rex: i can’t remember but i did read it

This resulted in me making fun of him for about half an hour and giving Karena a headache e.g.

Me: you didn’t read it.

Rex: Yes i did!!!

Me: usually when you read something you remember the characters and the plot

Rex (flipping frantically): the name of the narrator is …Nick! It doesn’t say his last name!!

So now he is assigned a chapter a day and receives a quiz on each one. He’s probably glad he’s going back to school in a week. I’ll miss having someone to discuss the great Gatsby with. Karena probably won’t miss me reading favorite passages aloud at high volumes while chasing him around the house.

Ladies and Germs

Karena: GERMS AREN’T VISIBLE TO THE NAKED EYE 

Quincy: My eyes aren’t naked! My head is their home… If i close my eyes will they still be naked?


Me: What is your name? 

Coach Jr: Coach! 

Me: And how old are you?

Coach Jr: Coach!


Megalodon

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This prehistoric shark was the size of a school bus.  But school buses had not been invented yet so there was really no way to tell how big it was.

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Coach Jr reluctant to be compared to size of “cookie cutter shark”

IMG_20170720_175755521_HDRKarena with wrist brace making insectile claw shadow

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I could only afford one calf implant.  If the market continues to boom, 2018 will be my year for lower leg symmetry.

IMG_20170708_133059041I assume she’s yelling “HOT CROSS BUNS” but possibly just howling nonsense.

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Poor Kent Goom


Me: Sorry but your Hello Kitty travel mug is moldy or something. I’m gonna throw it away.

Quincy: But it’s my very new cup that i got for Christmas a long time ago when i was three


My father-in-law is recovering from heart surgery (hence recent pics with hospital setting) so I mowed his back yard.  He has a Troy-Bilt riding mower and it doesn’t have a gas pedal, just a brake and a lever for the speed.  If this was a good system for a vehicle than cars would operate like this.  Imagine as soon as you start your car and shift into gear that you must have the gas pedal depressed all the way.  He has a small fenced lawn with many obstacles & hopefully was not watching out the window as I mowed.  It was rambunctious.

Algebrant

I’m gonna say it was no coincidence that the day after i threatened to talk about underage Nazi squirrel porn until WordPress got its act together re: Android, that they unleashed a new beta version which fixes the problem of not being able to get rid of the blank spaces on top of pictures – by not letting you see the pictures at all in the editor, so if you post something twice for instance, there’s no recourse.

Speaking of rant, Karena’s BFF got coach jr an adorable remote control car for his birthday and he is terrified of it. Both Quincy and Rex are totally fascinated by the car (Quincy partly because her brother is scared of it; Rex because he didn’t like babyish toys until he turned ten). Anyways i was trying to choke down some dinner and read another page of infinite jest in peace because i had promised to play doh with Quincy before i took Rex to jiu-jitsu and then Coach Jr woke up from his nap.

Me: you guys stop playing video games and entertain your brother for five minutes

But by entertain they assumed i meant “traumatize”

Car: Honk honk! Vroom! Jingle!

Coach Jr: AAAAAAAA…

Quincy: Hahaha!

Me: put that car away he hates it

Rex: actually I’ve figured out he’s not scared of the car he’s technically scared of the remote part. You see, if i put the remote here and pick up the car… Or maybe if i pick him up and pick the car up i can put it

Coach Jr: …AAAAAAAA…

I then launched into an epic tirade which even though i resorted to the tired cliche of “let me eat in peace” I’m proud of myself for a) stentorian volume but without cracking voice, spraying food, spittle, etc b) not swearing c) the phrase “i don’t want to hear your convoluted theories about why he is scared of it I WANT YOU TO PUT IT AWAY” which Coach jr found funny for some reason.

I remember being little and nerdy and very curious about algebra and all mathematical topics i did not understand. Finally in sixth grade i was in advanced math so it was introduced something along the lines of x+4 = 5 i.e. sort of a puzzle to solve and though you could do this puzzle in your head obviously, you’d want Algebra if the question was something like 48x + 120 = 96.

I remember my younger brother being in advanced math but not as advanced and having to suffer through two years of 3x + 4x = ? The reaction of all the kids to this pointlessly drawn out instructional method being a) this is stupid b) this is good for nothing we already learned in kindergarten that 3 apples and 4 apples make seven apples you’re not fucking fooling us by calling them X’s and Y’s and etc.

If i may go off on a tangent (pun intended) trigonometry was kind of cool as long as we were finding mystery angles but once they admitted that the only real world application was finding the height of mysterious flagpoles if you could measure the shadow and were carrying a protractor i got a little angry (yes I’m sure there are other uses for trigonometry but the only one i remember besides flagpole is ship’s mast)

Also geometry involved a lot of proving that two lines were parallel and etc when some guy in ancient Greece had already proved it for fucks sake

I guess the whole reason i thought of this is because i found a paper from home school that Quincy had written 3x+4x = 7x on but I’m not mad at this particular instance because she’s four (this isn’t a brag either though she did for some reason draw two elephants on the paper which were bragable and by that i mean pretty hilarious)

Toilet school 2

Quincy: will you play toilet school with me?

Me: What?! What kind of filthy nonsense is that?

Then i remembered that i invented it several weeks ago.

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I put jar-jar in charge of the toilet train and built the toilet boat & found some Lego poo logs as Michigan.method suggested but this was all somehow unsatisfactory and Quincy wouldn’t let me play and so we played doh instead.

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Pretty good for a four year old IMO.

I was pleased that Quincy recognized what this was, even if i had to prompt her a bit…

Me: look what Daddy made it eats flies and hops

TBH i made it extra hideous on purpose iot upset Karena. I’m a fan of amphibians but she is not. I haven’t told her that under every rock in the yard there’s a toad the size of a catcher’s mitt. Also every night during the hot/humid/buggy season (February-November) there’s a plethora of frogs clinging to our kitchen window. Karena recognizes their value in the ecosystem but disapproves of their lifestyle choices…

Karena: IT IS PRESSING ITS GENITALS AGAINST THE GLASS. CAN’T YOU DO SOMETHING COACH THE CHILDREN MIGHT SEE.


Nerd corner: So i wanted to make a webpage and did this last night. (I am pretty happy with the appearance but i feel like it needs more content) I tried a wysiwyg editor called blue griffon but it was too hard, so i tried hsilmans suggestions of codepengithub.io but i didn’t totally understand what was going on here, so i did what i did in 1997 and used Arachnophilia and made a test page and was satisfied with my handiwork until i looked at it on my phone and it was miniscule. Now i see why people use css/ajax/ruby/things i don’t understand and don’t have the patience to master when i just want to make links to my most hilarious posts and erotic stories. So today i will try Joomla

Feeding people germs

Quincy (to Rex): Can you stop reading and play toca hospital with me?  But can you please play nicely and not feed people germs?


IMG_20170525_082628.jpgthe only time Coach Jr ever put something on his head and said “hat” – and it was a hat.


I use the Myfitnesspal app as does approximately 30% of America. ¬†I use the free version because the premium features are not worth paying for (& it’s expensive). ¬†“See a breakdown of each meal by percent of carbohydrate/protein/fat” ¬†no thanks i don’t care because i eat two meals. ¬†“Enter random amounts of carbs/protein/fat into your diet” um for all the times when i shove something in my mouth and don’t know what it is – BUT I KNOW IT HAS 17G of CARBS, 6G OF PROTEIN AND 10G OF FAT

also the ads aren’t annoying enough to make me want to pay to get rid of them. they seem to be mainly interspersed with the low quality (6 ways to drink more water! Try these healthy greek yogurt peach margaritas! Indoor cycling – it’s called spinning!) blog posts which I never even noticed until I discovered how idiotic they are (i still don’t read them but i like to be outraged by the titles)

but anyway a large quantity of the ads seem to be for Depends which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I mean most old people don’t even own smartphones or seem like they’d be interested in an app like this. ¬†Idk it’s worrying will this be a product I’ll need soon. ¬†or maybe i should feel good if tons of people in my advertising demographic have to wear adult diapers and I don’t I’m outstanding.


Benched 320.  Embarrassed America with cleans

Sorcerer to toddlers

‚ÄčQuincy: Dad use your magic paint powers to make me red, yellow or blue like a pimpkin (Pikmin).

Me: is blue okay?

Quincy: yes please

Me (makes magical sounds and waves fingers): there you go.

Rex (grumbling): dad doesn’t have magical powers…

Me: Listen, you! (Long loud lecture on the power of imagination and not spoiling things for little people. 

Bonus points for countering lame “but in Sunday School they said there was no magic” argument with citation of Pharaoh’s magicians from Exodus)

TBH I’m not sure if i was more mad at Rex for trying to dreamcrush Quincy or for denying the magical paint power that i was hitherto unaware that i possessed.

20170511

Quincy decided she wants to have a baby sister named Sarah.  Karena and I both told her no, so she decided that she would call Coach Jr “Sarah” from now on.  Coach Jr has not objected.  He’s still calling himself Kent Goom.  Also he calls her “see-say” (trying to say “sissy”)

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Distraught because left behind yet again


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Karena found this crack pipe in our yard.  It’s not really a crack pipe but right when she sent me this pic, Rex was saying the phrase “Beam me up Scotty” which is an epic-level coincidence that you probably don’t care about.


image000001the last? pokeball

IMG_20170509_191720baby sarah would not conduct herself in such an undignified manner

IMG_20170510_064710here hold still so i can take a picture of you before school and post it on my blog so strangers can make fun of the way you dress yourself.  earlier attempts were censored because he had crumpled six dollar bills into a wad and stuffed them in his pocket and it looked lewd

Karena: PEOPLE DON’T NORMALLY WEAR COLLARED SHIRTS WITH GYM SHORTS.

Rex: Maybe they will in the future.

IMG_20170511_110809took a temporary break from Grifters because i found Atlas Obscura at the library

IMG_20170511_170236playdoh Mii of Karena

Karena: THAT’S PRETTY GOOD.  DID QUINCY MAKE THAT

Me: No, I did.

Karena: THEN NEVER MIND.


Quincy ran pink and brown play-doh together through the extruder.

Me (unwisely): that looks like someone ate a bunch of bubblegum and pooped it out

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needless to say there were no more family Miis made and the remainder of playdoh play involved Wario and Yoshi blaming each other for leaving their poops lying around.


Date: Friday, May 11, 2017

Wt: 161.8

T/h: 69/68

Start time: 4:21

CPP: 45, 95, 121, 155, 175, 185P, 155 x 2

Squat: 225, 275, 325, 345, 360, 315 x 3

Bench: 135, 215, 245, 275, 295, 265 x 3

SLDL: 225, 275, 325, 375, 325 x 3

End time: 5:33

Sets: 24

Time: 72

Pimpkin

Quincy, Rex, and Karena going around talking about Pimpkins. Turns out they mean Pikmins (from the video game with Olimar)


Coach Jr was very amused at Quincy tearing leaves off this bush. 


Playing some sort of cake making game that he doesn’t understand but is happy to just be included.

——–

Wt: 161.8

Lifted. I guess the highlight was 465 deadlift off pins and lowlight was missing 211 push press.

It’s much easier to enter workout logs like this. Next I’ll have Rex type it up and save even more time

Swoll

Quincy: what does swollen mean?

Me: uh, like puffed up

Quincy: grandma is swollen.

Me: no, just her knee

—–

At the gas station today and the pump keypad wouldn’t let me type in some the numbers. I moved to different pump.   A guy pulled up to the broken one so I shouted warning and he moved to the one next to me.

Guy: hyoo ain’t from round these here parts. I kin tail cause yoo got naccent.

I’ll lay off the phonetic transcription but

Guy: did you watch the game last night?

The answer to this was going to be no anyway but

Me: which game?

Guy: Yankees vs Cubs

It was surprising that anyone would refer to any baseball game as “the game” but especially these two teams.  I told him I was a Braves fan and we commiserated on the recent futility of this.

Guy: yeah i can’t believe they traded Freeman. Who trades a guy hitting over 300?

It was time to go & as soon as i got back into my truck i had to google. It was a filthy lie. 

While i was playing with my phone another guy pulled up, took a long chain out of his truck. I looked back down. Leash, i figured.  Then i looked up again, curious. It was kind of a thick chain, like the kind you’d use on a big dog if you either really didn’t want him to get away – or you wanted other people to think your dog was tough.  Either way was he gonna take this beast into the gas station?

Turns out it was a man.  Saw them shuffling into the gas station, the original fellow in the rear, ten feet of chain between his waist and the lead fellow’s back. Hope neither of them had to use the bathroom.

—-

Wt: 161.8

Don’t have workout log handy but it was a bad day. Tried 305 for bench double, only got one. Missed 465 BPS squat from #17. Tried again. Missed again. I did SLDL 305 x 4 off 1/2″ mat. That was good. Nothing else of note.

Maybe I’ll do my logs like this every time. How would that be for y’all.

Chainsaw chess

I’ve lost at chess to Rex three nights running. We play with a 6+3 timer and the games always go like this:

1. Opening – I develop my pieces in a textbook manner and control the center of the board. Rex moves pieces aimlessly, moving the same ones multiple times while leaving others blocked in.

2. Midgame – Rex is so excited about capturing my pawn that he doesn’t notice that he’s left his piece unguarded. Repeat.

3. Endgame – he’s down to two worthless pawns and I’ve got like two rooks, a bishop and a knight to chase his king around with. Then i run out of time.

—–

I was gonna buy a chainsaw and various safety regalia and cut the tree that fell in our front yard. But the saw i wanted went up in price while it was in my Amazon shopping cart, and while Karena and i deliberated (and i bought a new‚Äč axe and fooled around with it) my father-in-law returned from out of town.

Even though he has a chainsaw, Karena didn’t want to ask him to cut the tree because he would be unsafe with it and possibly overwork himself. I didn’t want to ask him to cut the tree because i didn’t think it was fair. After all it was my tree and i should be given a chance to buy my own chainsaw and be unsafe with it.

But when they stopped by on their way home, he saw (pun) the tree

MIL (to Karena): your dad is very excited to get to use his chainsaw.

According to somecowboyguy and the entire internet, when you use a chainsaw you should wear eye and hearing protection, gloves, chaps, and workboots.

But you can’t really advise another man (particularly an older more experienced one particularly your own father-in-law) about safety. ¬† I did offer him some protective items which he politely spurned.

Some of his other practices seemed unorthodox.  For example I witnessed him leave the chainsaw running, embedded in the tree trunk, while he stood on a log that was wedged underneath the trunk Рand bounced up and down.

I thought back to my Army training:  I could make a tourniquet out of my shirt and one of the many sticks available, but I hoped that it would not come to this as I have seen many unpleasant sights of gore.

While he chainsawed, i lugged pieces of tree to the road. Ironically (and thankfully) the only injury was to me: I got an ugly bruise on my thigh because one of the hunks of trunk (rhymes) had a two inch twig sticking out of it.

Father-in-law (as I lifted a 3 foot x 2 foot diameter log): You should get the wheelbarrow.

Me (trying not to grunt while I spoke): nah, it’s all good.

Immediately after I moved that piece I went and got the wheelbarrow.  No shame in it.

Eventually he got tired and decided to come back the next morning to finish up. ¬†I knew that he would leave the trunk in like 4 foot sections if he didn’t have to help me move it to the road and this is what happened.

But fortunately I had a manly plan: ¬†I would split the wood into smaller pieces. ¬†After all I had split wood a few times under my father’s supervision about twenty years ago. ¬†And as I frequently remind blog readers and anyone who will listen in RL, I am descended from 5 generations of lumberjacks (sort of: my dad only did it as a summer job – it’s the main reason he decided to go to college).

Honestly I do like hitting things with axes and sledgehammers and etc. I have daydreams of playing High Striker and winning gargantuan¬†stuffed animals for hot girl in skimpy sundress or short shorts¬†then idk some villain tries to steal it but I for some reason still have the sledgehammer… then maybe the Ferris wheel gets stuck and if there was only someone strong enough to lift this axe¬†they could chop it down and i guess catch the children as they tumbled out…

Karena: YOU JUST WANT TO USE YOUR NEW AXE.

Me: …

Karena: MY DAD BROUGHT OVER A DOLLY YOU COULD TRY PUTTING EACH 200 POUND PIECE OF WOOD ON THAT AND SLOWLY DRAGGING IT TO THE ROAD, STOOPED OVER LIKE A COAL MINER WHILE WE LAUGH AT YOU WHEN IT FALLS OFF THE DOLLY AND IT TAKES ALL AFTERNOON.  (not verbatim)

Me: Why don’t you stand farther back sometimes pieces of wood or the axe goes flying

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Just getting started.

Rex: Wow dad you did that one in one hit.

Me: stop standing around and pick up those sticks like I asked you to (looks around to see if Karena was watching my prowess)

Anyway my plan worked. ¬†I hacked the tree into splinters in about ten minutes and I was tossing them into the wheelbarrow & feeling pretty good but then I realized that I was just a parody of my manly forefathers – splitting wood to throw away. ¬†Also I have a field that I don’t grow anything on. ¬†The one thing I do cultivate in abundance (grass) is a weed. ¬†Well at least kids sometimes play in the yard but they spend most of their outdoors time in the driveway riding bikes and bouncing frisbees.

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Dismantled tree.

But then two guys came along in a beat-up pickup truck and asked if they could take the wood. ¬†They were grateful that I had already split most of it. ¬†I was grateful that i didn’t have to haul any more to the curb and that my task had some sort of meaning.

Karena (overheard on phone with her dad): YEAH I DON’T KNOW IF THE AXE WAS REALLY GOOD OR COACH IS JUST SUPER STRONG BUT¬†HE DID IT…

i feel boastful typing that in but it is verbatim

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back to pink paper I guess

Cholesterol champion

Coach Jr likes looking at books with pictures of baby faces. His favorite book is this photo album of mostly himself, which he is studying very seriously here. This behavior would be somewhat aberrant in an adult but it’s fine. He suckled his final pacifier two days ago (he was only using them at sleeping times).

—-

Went to the annual doctor appt at the VA today. My experiences were mostly identical to last year and etc. I got lost four times. The computer didn’t work. The lab tech recommended cowboy bebop. An old guy sat down right next to me in the waiting room and struck up a conversation.

Me: When were you in the air force?

Old guy: 1952-56.

Me: so did you catch the end of Korea?

Old guy: nope that was world war two

Nurse: SGT Coach?

Me (relieved): uh that’s me…I gotta go!

He looked surprised and mildly hurt that i would step away from this conversation just because it was my turn to see the doctor.

You ever have a ticket agent say “have a nice flight” or a maitre’d say “enjoy your meal” and you respond “you too” without thinking about it? Try doing that when the nurse tells you to go into the other room and remove all your clothing. Hue.

Anyway my cholesterol was good and lower than last year. HDL and LDL both good and better than ever. Blood pressure was 123/81 even though I’d just got done with that baffling Korea/WW2 conversation & had to run to make appointment because was in wrong building and on wrong floor & had just chugged a cup of coffee – and the nurse was naked.

May the Fourth

I don’t really support this meme; about thirty years ago i would have described myself as a huge star wars fan but I have not liked any of the movies made since i became an adult and even stopped liking return of the Jedi because of the ewoks. So now i have accepted that i like Star Wars less than the median American.  

—-

Toying with the idea of buying new weightlifting shoes as my  powerlift 2.0 s are getting a bit worn (though still serviceable). Perhaps i would like a stiffer sole or .75 inches instead of .60. But Max barbell is sold out of SABO powerlifts in my size and says they’re being redesigned. I considered the powerlifts 3.0 but they’re not different enough, SABO weightlifting shoes were only available in white, and everything else has a split heel, too much heel and/or is too expensive, so i guess I’ll wait.

——-

i realize why i pre plan stuff instead of being a total daily max guy – it really helps to see that awake rational me thought i could and should lift these weights. 430 AM me is kind of a pussy but he can at least follow orders.
—–

For Michigan method.

—–

Not a bad video but

1. The idiotic prohibition of guns in videos mars it slightly particularly the ending
2. Why not make Eminem the snitch or another rapper instead of hiring an actor
3. somewhat unrealistic like really this guy has this luxurious party going on in his hiding hole, the other guys are out on bail? but apparently free to go murdering their accomplice they won’t be suspected at all

fifty dollar axe

So i went out to hack some of the limbs off the downed tree. But i forgot that late great uncle’s axe was broken. I guess i should have remembered since i have two axe handles and use them all the time (one became a Weaver stick & the other an ant hill poker)

Anyway i bought the Lamborghini of axes, the Fiskars X27.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004M3BAQE

I have been really pleased with their sledgehammer (based on the three times‚Äč i smashed concrete & the fifty times i got a sick forearm pump in my garage with it). Fiskars is a Finnish company that makes awesome orange/black tools. So basically Finland = unmotorized Sweden.

Btw you save a lot of money getting the Lamborghini of things like axes or staplers rather than of cars (or computers). I have an eight dollar stapler that uses special staples. ¬†Karena mocked me but i got the last laugh as her two dollar stapler broke and she had to buy another two dollar one and not to mention has to come to me every time she needs to staple forty sheets of paper together. Hmmm…

Anyway, I came home from Lowe’s full of fantasies of my new vorpal sword of axes knocking limbs off this tree with one hit. I am after all the descendant of five generations of lumberjacks. Each stroke into the trunk of the tree would make an explosion of sawdust and wood chips temporarily obscuring me from the admiring views of Karena and the children (watching from a safe distance).

Karena: HOW MUCH DID THAT AXE COST

Me: did you know that Fiskars makes scissors

But i couldn’t go outside right away due to having promised to play doh with Quincy. While she monopolized the sundae making tools yet again, i read about my purchase on the internet and started to get second thoughts.

First of all, reviewers claim the axe is for “taller than average people.”¬†I countered that in my mind by pretending that being stronger than average would make up for it (even though it doesn’t in optimal baseball bat length, pants inseams, or being attractive to women but shut up). ¬†Second, it’s a splitting axe and not a chopping axe so it’s meant to cut with the grain of the wood. ¬†I countered that by being reassured that the axe looked awesome and was practically as heavy as a sledgehammer so it would destroy any tree and not care which way it was facing.

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Snicker-snack.  Ok a) nerd and b) that obviously took more than one hit but for once reality was pretty close to my dreams.

Edit for clarity: i rate this axe 10/10 and have not even used it for its intended purpose of splitting wood. i would take this axe with me into an axe fight (it is my only available axe but still) ¬†now that i have this axe i will undoubtedly find other things around the yard that need hewing, chopping, splitting, cutting down, or merely brandishing an axe and glowering at. ¬†If I could think of a way to exercise with this axe safely I would (it has a cool little cover but nah…) i’ll still store it in the garage where I lift for gazing upon and raising testosterone. When I wield this axe i may look like Gimli the dwarf but I feel like¬†Paul Bunyan.

Coach Jr is allowed to color with Quincy because he doesn’t know enough to take the tops off the markers. Poor Kent Goom.

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Posted partly because Coach Jr looks cute with his little Easter bucket but mostly cause vainly (pun) pleased with forearm development.


This was taken on a day when Karena and Rex were at a boy scout thing. I was gonna take the littles to the playground but it started to rain, so i invited us over to my in-laws house. My FIL put on¬†this video. It’s extremely important to Quincy. Here my FIL was trying to tell me a story about crab fishing but Quincy is outraged because we’re not paying proper attention and respect to the video. Coach Jr stares dully.


Reading a Jim Thompson book. Reminds me a little of Bukowski but grimmer so the jury is still out.


I have made an important discovery: The Men at Work song “the land down under” ¬†is about hell and not Australia as is commonly believed.


Let me tell you who suck, like banana Now and Laters

~ The Game (92 Bars)


Scout Leader: Why aren’t you a boy scout leader? ¬†You were the army weren’t you?

Me: do you know the difference between a hunter and a butcher?

at least i can justify buying a chainsaw

my father-in-law is always warning me about various urban legends but apparently he was right about the ingredient in Roundup and I’ve had to find a new herbicide for the driveway cracks. ¬†using ecologic which is a lovely-smelling but probably ineffective blend of cinammon and rosemary oil.


continuing to read the night ocean. ¬†i was pleased that the author used “nonplussed” correctly (as in baffled, not unimpressed). ¬†my other two pedantic word usage pet peeves are “peruse” (it means thoroughly examine, not browse) and “begging the question” (not able to clearly explain what it does mean – it’s something like starting an argument with an unsound premise – but it doesn’t mean “raising the question”)


One of Rex’s friends couldn’t come to the party so he came over today.

IMG_20170430_092823 fortunately there was an unfound poke-ball so he could collect a prize

Went inside because thunderstorm. quincy is ranting and raving because she is insisting that her controller is hooked up and she is winning but the boys are ignoring/making fun of her.  Coach Jr is just happy to be allowed on the couch.


during thunderstorm this happened. ¬†luckily it didn’t block my driveway because i don’t have a chainsaw only an axe. ¬†my inlaws have a chainsaw but they are out of town.


Rex’s cub scout battalion ran in a one mile fun run. I wasn’t there and it was one of those chipped things where you don’t find out your time until later. (From my brother and father’s experiences i am pretty sure that “adult later” = right after the race whereas “kid fun run later” = remind us and we might post it on the internet in a few days.) Karena said he did well, but…

Me: if his time was sub-10 he can continue to live here

It was 9:05. Guess he can stay. Of course i was just kidding.

Mostly.

 


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20170430

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hue.

Here is some music that no one will care about but me.

Atlanta lights – i enjoyed the song for several years but saw the video for the first time a week ago. The video adds quite a bit IMO

pull up wit ah stick – this is tbh a scary video but I’m jealous of some of the guns

https://www.youtube.cozzzm/watch?v=VA-Qt5rwKCg

hi hater remix – this song came out in 2009 but i am old so i never noticed till now. i can do a jadakiss laugh pretty well btw.

Karena: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU SICK OR SOMETHING YOU KEEP MAKING THAT NOISE

whatever she’s even less in touch with current hip-hop¬†culture than me

i want candy – this was a funny episode of aqua teen hunger force. The song is great and I’ve taught Quincy a heavily censored /mostly gibberish version.i like how the rapper/demon reveals his secret plot at the end. ¬†come on down…right next to ¬†gentleman’s club hehehe

Corn Box

So Rex turned 10 like a month and a half ago but we have been busy so the only time we could have a birthday party for him was this weekend. ¬†It’s hard for Quincy to understand why he should seemingly get two¬†birthdays (since six weeks is an eternity to a toddler – i doubt she even remembers his actual birthday), and she thinks he’s turning 11.

A few days ago during lunch…

Quincy: I want to be five!!! (Followed by list of other demands: having a sixth birthday party, choosing her own age, celebrating multiple birthdays per year, etc)

Me: Fine. (Makes cross in air but with horn sign instead of hand of benediction) There you go. ¬†You’re five. ¬†Now eat your sandwich.

Quincy: Yay!

I recall temporarily making Rex three shortly after his fourth birthday. ¬†It quelled his misbehavior (after some pleading i reset him to four several days later) and I guess gave me the ability to increment or decrement children’s ages at will.

It was a Pokémon-themed party.  Karena made these.

Karena: WHAT DO YOU THINK

Me: They’re great honey.

Karena: NO TELL ME WHAT YOU REALLY THINK

oh the classic “do i look fat in this – no tell me what you really think – i want you to be honest” but i foolishly didn’t recognize it in its Pokeball guise.

Me: Well they look like they¬†were made with love. ¬†They are¬†for a kid’s birthday party…¬†All that really matters is how they taste, right? ¬†And I’m sure they taste great. ¬†It’s fine. ¬†Everybody knows that they are homemade and¬†you worked hard on them.

oh Coach.

anyway, she made 38 pokeballs for a scavenger hunt.  I made three Master Balls.

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Made with love.

You got a little plastic pokemon figurine for each pokeball you found and if you found a Master Ball got a tiny Jenga set and a large candy bar (limit one Master Ball prize per child).

Also there would be some toddlers in attendance so we decided to make a cornbox. ¬†The kids played in one for hours at the pumpkin patch (back in october i’m too lazy to find the link you can do it) ¬†This is just like a sandbox but with corn kernels. ¬†So generally tidier though you’re still gonna get a bit dusty and some kernels in your sock or diaper or etc depending on how vigorously you play in it.

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¬†100 pounds of corn. ¬†I bought 200, and that would be the correct amount if I wanted to fill the thing to the brim but I realized that this wouldn’t be optimal.

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Coach Jr was a little reluctant to get in it at first but soon he was throwing handfuls of corn out of it with great abandon.

Then the older kids discovered it.  Rex has two groups of friends, one set from boy scouts and one set from jiu-jitsu.  Well, one of the boy scouts got in it and leaned back and opened his mouth and closed his eyes, and the other one poured an entire bucket of corn onto his face, completely filling his mouth.  The kid just laid there looking pleased with a mouthful of corn for about a minute.  I was the supervisory adult at the time.

Me: uh, maybe you should spit that out so you don’t get dysentery?

Eventually he did.

Kid (pointing): He put corn in my mouth.

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What the area looked like about an hour after the party ended.

I don’t have any pictures of how the garage floor looked but let’s just say it got to the point that when a kid deliberately threw a handful of corn into the garage, it only elicited a mild “hey, knock it off” from me.

We probably shouldn’t have set the thing so close to the garage. ¬†The plan was that I wouldn’t have to drag it far when the party was over; we’d securely cover it and store it in the garage for later play.

But both of us forgot about the “securely cover” part of the plan…

Karena: YOU COULD PUT A TARP OVER IT OR SOMETHING

Me: holy shit the mice will be swimming in that thing like Scrooge McDuck in his money bin.

In the end I swept it all* up and shoveled it into a wheelbarrow and dumped it all into the muddy weedy hole in my neighbor’s yard that used to be a pond. My neighbor has given me permission to fill it up with “leaves and stuff.” ¬† He’s never mentioned 98 pounds of corn but it’s organic and hopefully deer will eat it tonight. ¬†Yes this is a giant waste of eight dollars of not-human-edible corn i’m sorry at least if we had used sand, stray cats could have pooped in it

*I estimate we’ll be finding corn in the house, the garage, the driveway and the yard until approximately 2023.

Karena bought the entire stock of foam nunchuks from the local dollar store. ¬†Now it was the jiu-jitsu kids’ turn to act up. ¬†One of them nunchakued (sp) another guy in the face because he threw a stick at him so he tackled the guy or maybe it was the other way around but someone had a bloody lip. ¬†My father-in-law was the supervisory adult this time but for some reason they ran and told me.

Me: don’t do that again.

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Poor Coach Jr could not keep up.

IMG_20170429_194921But finally got hold of a set

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Promptly put eye out.

image000000_07Crying because she didn’t get to blow candles out.

later…

Rex: You’re not five!

Quincy: Yes I am!!

Karena: WHY IS QUINCY SAYING SHE’S FIVE

Me: it’s fine i made her five.

Quincy: In December I turn six!

Me: Sure.

Karena: THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA.

Me: Oh so you’ll pretend that she’s a cat or a baby cookie but she can’t be a year older?

Quincy: Dad, punish Rex and Mom for saying that I’m not five.

Karena: SEE

20170429 liftyes i know it’s the 29th

Ape Lion Head

Quincy: [Unintelligible] … and Mommy says to play with my computer or my tablet but i don’t want to play with my computer or my tablet…

Me: oh? What do you want to play with?

Quincy: You, Daddy!

Reward:

Me: ooh I’m going to make a popsicle

Quincy: no you can’t (takes play doh out of my hand)

Me: why not?

Quincy: because I’M going to make a popsicle (makes ice cream sundae instead) 

x 100.  It’s fine.

We made up another song of doggerel which will hopefully please Jackman:

Your pimbies are your panties.

Your pembies are your pants

Your jembies are your jammies

And it’s time to go to dance

Your dad is ape with lion head

Your mommy is a wimp

Girls are baby cookies

And your brother is a chimp

The original final line was “your brothers both are chimps” but when Rex heard it…

Rex: You’re a dirty chimp

Quincy: ::sob::

Me: listen you started it.

Karena is not fond of the song either but I’m pretty pleased that Quincy remembered that i was a lion-headed ape.

Poor Kent Goom.

More legible and not pink.

——–

I tried installing RemixOS on a laptop. It’s Android for a PC and now i could have all the apps from my phone with the speed of a budget laptop. Impress Hsilman and maybe chaff Celica. It hung on install twice. POS. I installed Kali Linux instead which i don’t know how to use but it’s fine.

—–

New things are coming

so there is going to be a new way.  first will be family anecdotes and discussions of books and faulty t-nation articles and so forth.

such as The Night Ocean, recommended by Fatman started ok a little MFAish, the tone and the main characters reminded me of a New Yorker story (later found out the author writes for the New Yorker) then got quickly super homosexual. Put it down after two chapters. ¬†I think I’ll read Charles Dexter Ward again. To clarify it’s not that homosexually bothers me. For example the unexpurgated version of on the road is better IMO. It’s just that I admire Lovecraft’s writing (except for his obnoxious racial/religious ideas obviously) and the guy lived his whole life with no one knowing if he was gay and that’s how he wanted it and now here’s a book that is about his imaginary sex life with underage male prostitutes. That’s fine i mean he’s dead and gone write what you like, just seems kinda low.

———-

(Lines will still be drawn like this because the Android version of WordPress is bad)

(Also i will randomly switch fonts apparently)

This is a picture of Coach Jr having a tantrum because he’s overtired.

———————–

then will be workout logs like this:

^this is what my workout log usually looks like i can’t use a phone because i’ll get chalk and sweat and drink on my phone.

Then i will make a comment about anything notable. I weighed 159.8 as you may or may not be able to see. Later that day (after six and a half hours of yard work) i weighed 158.2

this is my attempt to write neatly knowing that it would be uploaded.  tomorrow it will be even more legible just u wait.

———-

any off color humor and girlie pics will go at the bottom so shield your eyes mom

So when Karena is making dinner she’ll ask how much meat i want because she enables my odd behaviors


I don’t know why she asked that but i thought my joke was pretty good. Copyright.

Kent Goom

Coach Jr pronounces “Junior” like “Goom.” Poor Kent Goom.

Coach Jr’s sqwat morning. There was an Asian kid doing a perfect high bar squat next to him and a pic of them together would have been epic in terms of potential fitness meme but I felt weird taking a picture of someone else’s kid.

he arranges his toast crusts on the table but at least this gives me warning to seize them before he starts throwing.

The other day he pelted Karena from across the table.  

My father-in-law: he has a good arm

Me: well he spends about four hours a day throwing a frisbee at the ground

———-

This is for a battery charger. The first question is awesome.


wt: 163.0
t/h: 61/76%
CPP: 45,100,140, 157.5, 171, 181, 185
PP: 207.5
HBPS: 235
HBS: 285
S#21: 325
S#20: 360
BPS#20: 325
Snatch: 65,95,115,120,125
Rack DL #27: 225,315,405,455
sets: 22
time: 60

Harmonic frequency: C sharp

SH: 4 min