Cholesterol champion

Coach Jr likes looking at books with pictures of baby faces. His favorite book is this photo album of mostly himself, which he is studying very seriously here. This behavior would be somewhat aberrant in an adult but it’s fine. He suckled his final pacifier two days ago (he was only using them at sleeping times).

—-

Went to the annual doctor appt at the VA today. My experiences were mostly identical to last year and etc. I got lost four times. The computer didn’t work. The lab tech recommended cowboy bebop. An old guy sat down right next to me in the waiting room and struck up a conversation.

Me: When were you in the air force?

Old guy: 1952-56.

Me: so did you catch the end of Korea?

Old guy: nope that was world war two

Nurse: SGT Coach?

Me (relieved): uh that’s me…I gotta go!

He looked surprised and mildly hurt that i would step away from this conversation just because it was my turn to see the doctor.

You ever have a ticket agent say “have a nice flight” or a maitre’d say “enjoy your meal” and you respond “you too” without thinking about it? Try doing that when the nurse tells you to go into the other room and remove all your clothing. Hue.

Anyway my cholesterol was good and lower than last year. HDL and LDL both good and better than ever. Blood pressure was 123/81 even though I’d just got done with that baffling Korea/WW2 conversation & had to run to make appointment because was in wrong building and on wrong floor & had just chugged a cup of coffee – and the nurse was naked.

Rye Bald

Screenshot_20170421-122443


wt: 161.2
CPP: 45,100,135,155,170,180,186
HBPS: 230,280
i think i’ve had enough pausing. From now on HBS & I’m gonna bounce outta that hole. Pause.
S#19: 365
#17: 460
#15: 545
BPS #15: 535
Snatch: 65,95,105,110 um this is the only exercise i do in kilos trust me
Bench: 160 x 5, 225 x 3, 255 x 2, 280 x 4
SLDL: 225,275,285 x 4
sets: 24
time: 82
pieces of gum chewed: 10 (2 at a time)
SH: 3 min


“Take tools and tighten up n__ with loose screws”.

-Young Buck, “G-Unit – Come Up”

Feels like Hawaii goin thru this car wash.

Lords of Waterdeep

rnbseason40

blue-shift-problems-sleeping-with-gas-foam-630

Two totally unrelated images although I’m sure some of you can and will find some unsavory connection.

https://www.amazon.com/Lords-Waterdeep-Dungeons-Dragons-Board/dp/0786959916/

Got this game for anniversary present for Karena on recommendation of hsilman (thank you).  We played last night with Rex.  It was super fun and although the rules and massive number of pieces/cards made it look confusing, by the time we made it through one practice turn everybody knew the rules enough to make it a real game (which I won).


wt: 166.0

t/h: 54/75%

CGB: 225,230,235,240,245,250,255,260 x 3

HBPS: 285,290,295,300

BTN: 110,112.5,115 x 4

SGDL: 325,345,365 x 2

time: 1:04

Ape Soup is Toast in a Bowl

gangstabitch2
Pro: She is dressed like a boxing glove.
Con: As a heterosexual male the toe-licking guy on the left is so disturbing I cannot stop from glancing and shuddering – it’s like the proverbial car wreck

CD101
I’m trying to remember what is the refraction index of chlorinated water? Could that be what is distorting the lower half of this image?  Or is it Photoshop?  Or is she actually built like this?  I’ve been staring at this picture for like ten minutes trying to decide.


I started doing Myfitnesspal on Android.  I wasn’t getting enough fiber so I started eating black beans.  I get 2020 calories + 230 for an hour of lifting.  This is supposed to let me lose 0.5 lbs a week but it seems to be working more quickly.


I got a new fancy sledgehammer with my Christmas Amazon gift cards.  Admire:

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It’s leaning against the base of the basketball hoop. 

I sent that pic to my mother so she could admire.

My mom: Is that a carpet sweeper?

My mom has bad eyesight and didn’t enlarge the picture but still this comment was very hurtful 🙂

img_20170126_045204.jpg

Now admire, mom.  It is orange but not made by Husqvarna (Fiskars actually) – though the quality is space-age Swedish.  It claims 5x the damage and 2x the shock absorption so that’s like 10x as awesome by my math.  The head weighs ten pounds (like Coach Jr’s hahaha) compared to eight.  I will tell you that the first time I swung it at the concrete it actually did 11x the damage because I was using it during a thunderstorm and a bolt of lightning flowed through the hammer during the upswing and through my body and the shaft of the hammer and when I brought the hammer down there was an actual explosion with fire and smoke and bits of concrete raining down on the roof.


Coach Jr likes to throw his plate on the floor when he eats.  As soon as the food is off the plate, he throws the plate.  Sometimes he will take the food off the plate, set it on the table, then throw his plate.  If he doesn’t like the food, he’ll just throw handfuls of the food first, till the plate is empty, then see above. (Yes I know there is a thing that suction cups to the table I’m not buying that.  We do have a few throw-proof bowls for cereal.)  For sandwiches, we’ll just hand him a piece, and then when he’s done, we’ll take another piece off his plate (which we keep out of his reach) and give him that.  For messy stuff like noodles or meat, we just watch him very carefully for signs of being full (like throwing a handful of pork at me).

Anyway I guess we were out of clean kiddy plates, because when I came downstairs one morning, Coach Jr was eating toast quarters from a plastic bowl.

Coach Jr: Hai!

Me: Ape soup for breakfast, huh, Coach Jr?

Rex: What is ape soup?

Me: Ape soup is toast in a bowl.

Rex: No it’s not!!

I don’t know, after typing this explanation it’s not that funny, but sometimes I walk around the house singing “ape soup is toast in a bowl.”  Quincy sings it too.  Give it a try.

IMG_20170120_151302.jpg

Above: Looking like the kind of guy who would eat ape soup, but actually about to eat a leaf.


1/24/17

wt: 168.8

t/h: 47/76%

CGB: 300,305,310 x 1

HBPS: 245,255,265,275 x 2

BTN: 146,147.5,148.5,150 x 2

SGDL: 275,295,305 x 3

WSF WTF 6 x 0

time: 1:05


1/25/17

wt: 167.2

t/h: 50/77%

MP: 135,137.5,140,142.5,145,147.5 x 3 (deadlifting barbell, then hang cleaning weight to shoulders, then doing the presses, but we’ll just keep calling it MP)

S: 415,435,455 x 1

SLDL: 255,275,285 x 3

Battled the weaver stick again: 5,5.5 x 1, 6 x 0, 5.75 x 1

Time: 1:05


1/26/17

wt: 166.2

t/h: 56/87%

CGB: 315,320 x 1; 225 x 6

HBPS: 285,295,305 x 1

BTN: 151,152.5 x 1

SGDL: 315,335,355 x 2

time: 1:00


1/27/17

wt: 165.6

MP: 150,152.5,155,157.5 x 2

Squat: 325,345,355 x 3

SLDL: 295,315,325 x 2

10 LB SH 🙂 🙂 🙂 : 1 min

Time: 1:05

Excursion

Bought a car today.  SUV. Used but totally sexy.  Like your mom.  Hue.

Subaru not up to hauling 3 kids.  Partly because it does not run at the moment.  Going to sell for scrap.  U want (to buy) it celica?  Probably just needs a quart of transmission fluid or something; I don’t want to spend another dime on it.

At car dealer, Karena and I are in the salesman’s office.  We were at the part of the negotiations where he pretends to consult with the manager.  “I don’t know if he’ll let me do this…”  “Oh golly, you won’t believe what he said.”  “I’ve got good news for you.”  “I can’t go any lower, but let me check with him,” and so forth.  Really “the manager” is like “The Banker” on Deal or No Deal.  I.e. a possibly fictitious entity whose actual job is done by an algorithm.  Depending on how good at bargaining you are, when the dealer is supposedly consulting the manager, he is actually either:

A) Having a good laugh at your expense with a group of other employees (which may or may not include the manager)

B) Eating a donut while standing in the doorway of the breakroom and staring vacantly at SportsCenter, then taking a piss and not washing his hands.

Anyway while we’re sitting there, staring out at the car lot, this hot light-skinned black chick walks by.  About 5’8, 120 lbs, long hair, huge tits in white blouse with black jacket over top, tight black pants, high heels.

Karena: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Me: Uh, that black Excursion out there.

Karena: HMMM


Weight: 173.4

Jump Squat: 45,55,65×3, 75,85×2, 95,105,115×1, 125×2, 135×3

just trying these out lightly as I haven’t jumped in ten years unless you count diving to the ground in terror.

Bottom Position Squat #22: 185×2

this is very low and i am not sure if i will like it

Bottom Position Squat #21: 225,275,295,315x1

Front Squat: 135×4, 155×2, 175,185x1

sure could have gone lots heavier just fucking around; i like bolding things anyway

meanwhile:

Military Press: 45×12, 95×5, 115×3, 135,145×2, 155,165,170x1, 175; 135,140×4

there Jaysun, now you know.  also what did you guys decide, elbows flared or straight ahead.

Sumo+lite band (from now on not going to write the inevitable 135×3 with no bands): 135×2, 185,215,225,235x1

BTN Press: 95,105×5

VC: 4,4

BB Curl: 55×8

Time: 1:44

enjoyment: 10/10

worry that the swede will judge me negatively for claiming i was going to stick to my plan and then not: slight but non-zero.


edit: Honda Pilots are not ugly.  PS. if you look closely, you can see Jamie Lewis reflected in the passenger door.

WP_20150612_001

Wall Spray

House painter starts ringing doorbell and banging on the front door urgently.  I open it with some trepidation, as my inlaws who own the house* and are paying for the painting – hence commanding the decision-making authority (such as the decision to repaint the ugly faded lime-green color a new, brighter & uglier lime green) – are not home.

I have this conversation with one of the painters:

Painter: You got any wall spray?

Me: Wall spray? 

Painter: [ducks suddenly like he’s being shot at, then straightens up.]  Uh-huh.

Me: Like, to clean the walls??

Painter: Naw, man, there’s a nest of ’em right up there; I already done got stung once.


*More about my inlaws later, but, yes we live with them for now.  I won’t get into the exact situation, bc it’s complicated, boring, and not your business, but I will say that it’s not one of the two most common situations:

1. they are not elderly, do not require assistance, we are not moving into the family home, they are not going into a retirement home, they did not sell their house and come to live with us, etc.

2. we are not giant losers who have moved back home in our 30s (nb we did do that for about 9 months when I got out of the Army, except that my wife was at the time still in her 20s)

Also, I like them a lot, really enjoy living with them, and would like to continue forever.  IMO it’s like 99% positive (they are interesting, fun, great with the kids, know a lot, etc) and 1% trivial (for example my father-in-law puts large items in the fridge but never consumes them, my mother-in-law rearranges furniture & redecorates – inaudibly – between 3am and 5am).  Other family members’ opinions on the current situation may vary.


Been holding off on this story for so long that it’s not even worthwhile anymore, but Good Thing #3 was at the gym like a week ago, doing situps and her baggy shorts were riding up her thigh and I could see her underwear, which was black.  I could already see her sports bra bc she was wearing a men’s basketball jersey (which have lower armpits).  It was also black.  And then later as she was walking towards me, she lifted her shirt to wipe the sweat off her face (this is hot when chicks do it & usually only hot ones do it not big bellied cows).  Her stomach was flat & tan and you could kind of see ab musculature if you stared hard enough, which I did.  She hasn’t been back in a week though, making this story even more irrelevant (if possible – I mean I’m describing a chick who lives hundreds or thousands of miles from you, i’ve never spoken to her, for all you know she may not even exist)

Today I did see the other hot girl who was there when Ryan the other non-elderly adult male was there.  Her license plate (of her Camaro) says “JUICY ___” where ___ is a number or a letter, it doesn’t matter.  Thin attractive brunette in pink tanktop and black spandex pants w/whatever you call a rear camel toe (i.e i could see her pussy lips as she walked away from me maybe it was a very small penis, picture whatever makes you happy)


Wednesday

Weight: 171.2

Squat: …400; 335x2x2 (sick of triples)

Bench: …305×2,1

Sumo Speed Pulls: …345 x 1,1,1,2

Time: 1:28

Thursday

Weight: 171.6

Squat: …405; 340x2x2

one day I’m gonna miss and either die or we’ll find out if the Y has a basement.  not today though. 

ordering all the home gym stuff tomorrow

Bench: …305×2,2,1

Sumo Speed Pulls: …350×1,1,2

Time: 1:17

working 10/4

The guy who was interested in my beard (see near bottom of post, right above workout log) is named John.  He plods on the cardio but he really prefers talking to people.  Some fattish, middle-aged lady came in the other day.  By fattish, I don’t mean “ZOMF what a whale, i mean she looks like she may have been ordered by a doctor to “get at least 15 minutes of cardiovascular exercise 3x a week to help your blood pressure”  So she drove to the Y in her SUV, did 15 minutes of slow walking on the treadmill and left.

I only mention this because she was able to do this without speaking to me.  Our heads never pointed in the same direction, or I would have nodded to her and smiled, and I’m sure she would have done the same.

John always seems to come in when I’m the only person at the gym, typically near the end of my workout, when I’m done squatting and benching and just deadifting. (I may need to work out at a different time).  He works out in a polo shirt and khakis.  He comes over and puts his hands on the squat bar like he’s about to squat.  When the gym’s empty, I clean up all my chalk/sweat/blood/spider poison at the end of my workout, so I get nervous because I feel I need to wipe the bar down before he gets his nice shirt all chalky.

But surprise, he is not there to squat!  He just likes leaning on it while he makes conversation with me, i.e. asks me questions.  This just makes me more nervous because he asks things like “Where do you work” and “Where do you live” and “Why did you move here” which are, I guess, reasonable questions (though they make me think of DirtyDave), but I don’t want to answer them I just want to deadlift and set a 5 pound PR with some stupid band, and finish my workout in 1:21, and change my shirt and shoes in the locker room, and not step off the curb funny and irritate my knee like i did on Monday, and not have any text messages on my phone when i get back to my car, and drink my Carnivor on the way home while i think about winning the IPF world championships/having consensual or non-consensual relations with Good Thing #3/playing minecraft (yes now i’m addicted), and not get yelled at by my wife, and my mother-in-law has not re-arranged the furniture or scolded my wife so I have to hear about it, and take a shower so I can show my son jiu-jitsu moves and shout at him in an encouraging manner before I take him to practice.

Usually I tolerate about a minute of his banter before he asks something that disturbs me and I start acting erratically:

John: So do you go to a church around here?

Me: Not in ____ county, no.  Hey, where’s that thing? That thing with the paper towels for wiping down the equipment.  Oh yeah, it’s over there.  I’m going over there to get some.  [scurries away] Sorry, kinda in a rush today!

^^^verbatim^^^

Karena says I should have told him I was Catholic because then he wouldn’t have tried to get me to go to any of the 9074210974 Baptist churches around here.

…OR MAYBE HE HATES CATHOLICS – A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND HERE DO – AND THEN HE WON’T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE. 

No, because here’s how I see that suggestion playing out:

1. “Me too!  I go to St. Mary’s and we’re having a free dinner for veterans Thursday night, and we’d be honored if…”

2. “Oh yeah?  Well which church ya go to?  St. Mary’s?  St. Thomas?  St. Matthew out on Rt 87?  The Immaculate Conception in the mall?  …”

3. “Ahh, so you’re a papist.  Well let me tell you a thing or two about popery, bwah.  You familiar with the book of Revelations?  Cause if you take the numbers of the Hebrew letters, you see…”

(digression: We live 8 minutes away from literally the biggest church I have ever seen, it is across the street from a much older church of the same denomination (Baptist) – with a For Sale sign on it.  I just picture the pastor of the older church watching the construction and telling his congregation/himself that everything will be fine…)


Almost did not go to gym today because knee was sore.  Really it was because the kids are out-of-state visiting relatives with my in-laws.  When they left, my wife and I did a little dance around the kitchen (this is the first time in 2 years that we’ve been alone for longer than about 8 hours).  Then I drank too much tequila and stayed up really late playing video games while my wife somehow simultaneously laid in bed watching TV, but also messed up the house.

Glad I did bc knee felt fine.  Went at 5 PM.  Gym was crowded with 2 people.  One was this smallish 30-something guy Ryan who was the first non-senior citizen adult male I have seen at the Y.    We got to talking in the locker room cause we showed up at the same time, also because I was relieved that he appeared to be basically a normal guy.  Which he was, I could even understand his talking. He benched like 105 lbs, but that’s cool.  He even unracked his weights, which I’ve never seen anyone do before.

The only thing that made us different (really, makes me different from everyone around here) is that he is a hardcore college football fan.  I like college football kinda sorta.  Like Saturday night, I check the scores, and the police blotter.  But around here, to fit in, you need to have an SEC team, you need to have apparel, you need to be ready for a lengthy impromptu discussion of strategy and opinion, you need to know the entire 80-man roster, you need to have something on your car indicate your team, and you need to attend at minimum 8 games a year in person.

There was also a hot chick, a slender brunette.  I’ve seen her once before; she smiled at me.  I think she works at the gym, maybe she does the childcare? because at one point she came out of a storage closet, and she told Ryan that she just been sleeping in one of the other rooms.  (I turned down my headphones to listen)

It’s funny to hear chicks around here talk.  Even the classy-looking ones sound like this:

Wall, I be fixing done go to the State Game tomorr wif Abner but he gone done told my momma that he ain’t picked up no tickets so i says, I says, ‘you best be gittin down to see Jake, he got some…

^^^verbatim^^^


Tomorrow: the Wall Spray, and how I saw this other chick’s underwear


Weight: 170.4

Squat: …385; 315×3

Embarassed by Ryan staring at me.  He made some mirin comment to the hot chick, (I couldn’t hear it exactly over my music, but it was something like “that guy is strong,” not “what a fag”).  She couldn’t have been less interested.  Talked to Ryan a little bit between sets, but these interludes gradually switched in tone.  Initially, they consisted of me signalling him when he was sitting around between sets and making some generic comment about the area, the Y, the weather, or football.  Later in the workout, it became him approaching me, and commenting on how much weight I was using, asking me what the most I have ever lifted is, etc.

This resulted in me being conflicted by feelings of pride (hell yeah I’m benchin 3x what you were), shame (the squat wasn’t even four hundred pounds and he doesn’t even know any better), pride (he mentioned that the only guys he’d seen squat that much weighed 60 lbs more, so at least that shows a modicum of knowledge), shame (we lift at the East Podunk sub-sub-YMCA) shame (I’m going to post this on my blog and guys who ask me for advice are squatting more), determination (385 pfft, wait till tomorrow when I squat 390, etc), shame (Q: “What’s your max?” A: “500, but it was at 181”  Only phonies give round numbers for what they can lift.  Only tools can lift more historically than they can in the present reality), reasonable pride (remember when I took my best lifts at 181 and I was well within the top 20 in the USPF, and now I’m at 165, so it’s only natural that he would be curious), shame (nice crossfit clothes you fucking IPF wannabe, high socks, $100 shoes, 10 cent squat, mega knee sleeves, secret shame (way to fuck up your knee probably from lifting every day you idiot), and resolve (see ya tomorrow).

Bench: …295×3,3,2

Ryan asked if I needed a spot and told him I wasn’t really going heavy, which I wasn’t but still made me look like a douche, but I’m figuring 5 days out of 6 I gotta lift off to myself anyway, so might as well get used to it.

didn’t deadlift because that may be what’s hurting my knee, gotta figure something out it’s the worst of my lifts, maybe back to RDLs or conventional, or I need to buy those floor mats like i had before, or maybe just pull lighter, or not use bands, we’ll see.

Time: 0.55

Fake Wife and the Exterminatrix

Had a doctor’s appointment last week.  It was cause we moved, just the introductory appointment thing.  Mine was at 9 AM, wife had one at 10.  They said that we could have one together to save time.  I’d rather not, thanks:

Doctor: So do you have any concerns?

Me: Can you take a look at my anus?

Karena: FEMININE VAGINAL ISSUES.

Not only that, but we got the two kids.  “You can bring them too; it’s not a problem; it won’t take very long,” the people at the office said.

Rex: Are you a real doctor?  How come you are a woman?  Do you have breasts?  Do you play minecraft?  Are you from China?  You look like my grandma.  I think I’m sick.

Quincy: No!  No!  Mama!  Dada!  Abba! [brother] Elmo!  No!  Cookie! No!  No!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Nah, I don’t think so.

So I went first, and called my wife when I got there to tell her how long it took, how to find the place, etc. (This is at a military base btw). She put the kids in the car and drive over in the other car.  Then when I was done, she’d go inside, I’d drive the kids home, and she’d take my car home.

When I was checking in at the front desk, the doctor came out and we exchanged pleasantries.  She then looked at this chick sitting down close to the window who was maybe 19, blond, 5’8 and thin, wearing a t-shirt and short running shorts.

Doctor: And you must be Mrs. Christmas?

Hot Chick [looking up from magazine]: Huh?

Me: Come on honey, let’s go in the back for our appointment and remove our clothing.

Okay, fine, I didn’t actually say that.  It might have been funny to call her “Karena” and act impatient, like her joke of pretending not to know me was wearing thin.  But there’s a fine line between “funny” and “creepy,” I’ve noticed.

Also, she was reading a pregnancy magazine, so no thanks.  On the other hand, all the magazines in the waiting room were pregnancy magazines, so you never know.


Some guy who may have been like a senior in high school and looked a little like a more muscular Spicoli came into the gym and looked longingly at the bench, then slumped his shoulders and resigned himself to benching on the Smith machine.  He was pretty strong, I guess, I think he worked up to 295 or maybe even 315 (it was hard to tell because I was also using all the 45s so he had to use a lot of smaller plates)

I’d pushed some benches out of the way to make room to deadlift.  Where I’d pushed them was right in front of the dumbbell rack.  I was the only one in the gym at the time.  I mean there is no real “place” for them anyway.  But instead of moving them, Spicoli reaches over them to take the 50 lb dumbbells and stands in this cramped little spot to do curls.

Me: You can move the bench if you want, man, I’m not using it.

Spicoli: Do you do crossfit?

Me: Powerlifting.

Spicoli: Cause you have all the, like, clothes, and stuff.

Me: Oh. [puts headphones back on]


Final story, I’ll save the rest for tomorrow:

I often proclaim that I hate people; I don’t want anyone to talk to me, I just want to be left alone, etc.  However, whenever I go somewhere (e.g. the Y, the other gyms, my son’s jiu-jitsu practice) I end up meeting people, learning their names, and then engaging in conversations.

On the other hand, my wife frequently says that she would like to make friends, but she’s (in her own words) the kind of person who could go to something every week for a year and never talk to anyone.

So she took my son to his 2nd Cub Scout meeting, and decided that she would try making a friend.

She smiled at this woman who was there with a little girl, maybe 4 years old.

(BTW she demonstrated this smile for her mother and I; we both used words like “scary” and “forced grimace” to describe it)

They made some stilted small talk, then the little girl interrupted:

Girl: Mommy, I want to play with them.

Mom: No, we’ll take you to girl scouts later.

Girl: When?

Mom: Uh, after this is over.

Karena: OH IS THERE A GIRL SCOUTS MEETING AFTER THIS?

Mom (softly): No.

Girl: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


Weight: 169.4

Squat: …380; 305×3

Bench: …295x3x2

Sumo+monster: …365

Time: 1:40

Not sure why this took so long, I didn’t have anywhere to be afterwards, it was a gray day, and there was no one in the gym for most of my workout – all three of which made me a bit lethargic.

Oh, this woman drove up in a Pest Control truck, and came into the weight room. She was in her 40s-50s, chubby/gym teacher looking, and carrying a metal can with a wand attached via hose.  She sprayed whatever poison it was around the joint between the walls and the floor.  She started over by the treadmills and worked her way around to where I was.

SMITH MACHINE xxx SQUAT RACK xxx BENCH PRESS

If the above is the arrangement, she squirted the liquid by the x’s.  I was kind of concerned though.  Isn’t this sort of thing normally done when nobody is in the gym?  On the other hand, she was wearing shorts, a tank-top, and sandals, so I didn’t want to seem like too much of a pussy.

Me: So, whatcha got there, some DDT?

Exterminatrix: Haw haw haw!  Naw hun, just gettin’ rid of some of your spotters.

Which I thought was pretty funny, though a bit cryptic, until I realized some minutes later that she’d actually said “spiders”.

The really funny thing is that the two foam rubber puss pads, and a leather belt and a neoprene belt that belong to the gym were lying in those x’s – and she just doused them like they weren’t even there.  Another reason to buy your own belt…

Last surviving Confederate soldier

The guy who’s been at the Y more than anyone else when I’m there (6 out of 9 times?) is this gray bearded guy maybe in his late 50s, who does like 2 hour slow cardio sessions, switching between 6 or 8 different machines while watching the TVs.  Sometimes he’ll stop, and just move to the adjacent, identical machine.  Sometimes – I think – he just stops, stands there for 5 minutes watching the TV, and then resumes walking on the same one.

He wears a greenish tanktop and jeans.  He has a tattoo of a confederate flag on his arm. Despite the beard, he has no mustache (which is as suspicious as the inverse). I’m not sure, but he may be slightly retarded.  He does have a pretty nice car (new, clean maroon Impala).  On the other hand he’s at the gym in the middle of the day a lot.  He seems to perform some custodial function (see below).  He also says hi to me (but doesn’t chase me around and say bizarre things)

One of the problems with the area where I live is that it’s hard to understand what people say because of their slow drawl.  Also, all the vowel sounds are the same.  For example, when my wife (who was born here but has lost most of her accent) says “PIN,” “PEN,” and “PAN” – there is no discernable difference.  It’s kind of scary that she’s homeschooling my son and teaching him phonics, but that’s a topic for another day.

It is also a very illiterate area – but even the smart people here sound illiterate to me: “How you been (being?) done (doing?)”.  What?

It’s kind of like the opposite of a foreign country, in that people understand me just fine (as long as I don’t talk too fast) but I can’t tell what anyone is saying. 

Anyway, the Confederate guy was getting off the treadmill and turned to me just as I was facing that direction and started saying something to me, so I took off my headphones.  I won’t transcribe the dialogue exactly, as I had to ask him to repeat everything three times, and verbatim, his speech would look something like this:

“Say, who is you?  Whar is you?  Dog my cats ef I didn’ hear sumf’n. Well, I know what I’s gwyne to do:  I’s gwyne to set down here and listen tell I hears it agin.”

He said that the squat rack, or the bench press was either dirty or squeaky, and/or he hadn’t gotten around to cleaning it?

Then he did cardio for like 20 more minutes

I thought maybe he was saying squeaky, so I did my next sets without music, just to make sure the thing wasn’t going to collapse on me.  No squeaks.

At the very end of my workout he came over with a rag, and what common sense and later events indicate was a WD-40 type product – but I swear it was canned air.

He indicated the squat rack and asked “where y’all take this from”.

I thought he wanted to know where it was bought, so I told him that I had no part in it; I’d only been here for two weeks.

After much gesturing I finally realized that he wanted to know where we put our hands on the bar because he didn’t want to clean there so it wouldn’t be slippery.

I showed him, and then he either lubricated, cleaned, or sprayed canned air on the barbell sleeves.

He said some other things which seemed friendly and explanatory in nature, but they were totally unintelligible to me.


Also was a new chick there, brunette, a bit thick for my taste, early/mid 20s, pretty face, did cardio, then used every machine in the gym (i.e. all the strength-training equipment) & did 135 lb Smith machine half-squats. 


Supposedly the south is friendly, but by friendly, they mean “people feel free to comment on your appearance and ask you questions.”

Like some middle-aged fat guy who was getting on a piece of cardio as I was leaving today.

Guy: That’s some beard!

Me: Thank you.

Guy: My son has a beard, he says it’s cause he don’t like shavin’!

Me: Oh yeah, hmm.  Neither do I.  Good times, good times.


Weight: 170.2 (74kg here we come)

Squat: up to 360; 255,260×3

did these all outside the rack felt good

Bench: …290x2x2

not really feelin it today on the ol’ bench

Sumo+monster: …355, 360

Time: 1:22

Twelve-dollar deadlift.

I had to go to the gym at 9 AM today.  It was pretty busy (like 10 cars in the parking lot). It was all old people, the same oldsters who were there Saturday.  There was also an aerobics class finishing up with more old people.  Which made me realize something – I may be the youngest male to lift at this gym.  (at least as far as I’ve seen, I’ve never gone at 7 AM, 5 PM, or 8 PM)

The most interesting people there was a couple, maybe in their late 50s.  The guy wears bright blue spandex shorts.  He hikes them up real high too – or maybe they are designed that way for some kind of girdle effect.  Either way, pretty serious bulge.  He has a mustache.  He is in okay shape.  I suspect he may have been a porn star in the 70s.  His workout is the usual machines and some DB curls sitting on the stability ball.

His wife is blonde, short hair, black shirt, black spandex pants, like 5’8.  She kind of looks alright if you see her through a mirror that’s reflecting another mirror.  When you look closer, you see that she has kind of a gut, and kind of a fat ass too, and also kind of an ugly face.  That’s as good as it got today though, sorry, unless you like octogenarians.

Oh, forgot to tell you: There’s a van of not-too-bad looking women 30s-40s that come on Tuesday afternoons and do cardio for like 5-10 minutes under the tutelage of a woman who then leads them in an aerobics class.  I thought they might have been a church group

“NEW – First Baptist Mom’s Workout Hour!! Take a mid-day break to unwind and shape up!  Leave your kids in our child care area.   Free transportation to the YMCA, where certified trainer Mildred Johnson will lead you in a structured…etc”

I also thought they might be some kind of jail/halfway house.  But they look more like soccer moms, and, well, they are all white in a county that’s majority black.

Turns out my second guess is closer and they are from some recovery program.

Anyway, this is the possibly the most boring blog post I’ve ever made.  I guess Tuesday, I’ll bring some drugs or booze to the Y and try to lure one of the chicks into relapse and a romantic locker room encounter, or maybe bend her over the foosball table.  Honk.


Weight: 172

Squat: up to 355; 245,250×3

knee felt great when I took like 5 steps back and squatted outside the rack, which I did on all but my heaviest 3 sets.  On those, I think I descended too slowly so as not to crash into the “pins” at high speed.  Will try to do all but 360 outside the rack tomorrow.

Bench: 285×2,2,3,3

Thought I got 11, but realized only 10 right after I unloaded the bar completely.  Said fuck it.

Sumo: 435

Got a pair of deadlift slippers when I ordered my knee sleeves.  One pull with 365 and I knew that these were a no-go for sumo, as you need to push against the sides of your shoes and these are basically socks with a thin thin rubber sole.  It’s fine.  I can use them as slippers around the house.  They make me feel like a ninja and so I’ll probably be roundhouse kicking a lot when I wear them.  My chucks make me feel like crip-walking btw.  (oddly enough my squat shoes do too; it may have a lot to do with the music I listen to)

Time: 1:23

Patsy

the highlight of my day was that there was another pretty young girl at the gym.  She was blond, tan, wearing short running shorts and a t-shirt.  But I couldn’t see her face because she walked immediately to the cardio, did 30 minutes of incline walking on the treadmill (like 10% 2mph) and then left.  So not seeing her face would be the lowlight.

I never understand why people drive to the gym to walk slowly on the treadmills.  It was 85 and sunny – you can walk slowly outside.  Or at the mall and do some shopping.  OTOH I guess I could pick up logs and stones, or do manual labor instead of lifting.  At least she looks good.  One of my wife’s fat friends used to go to the gym 3x a week for 30 minutes of slow walking/elliptical and when I’d saw her she’d of course complain to me that it was ineffective.  Which it was – she gained about 10-15 pounds a year in the time I knew her.

Me: I saw your friend Patsy at the gym.

Karena: OH I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN SO LONG.  HOW IS SHE DOING.

Me: I didn’t talk to her!  I was working out.  She was riding on the elliptical or something.  But I did wave to her when I was walking by to go to the water fountain.  I think she got stung by a bunch of bees or something.

Karena: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

Me: Oh, she looks all puffy and swollen up.  [puffs out cheeks and waddles on imaginary elliptical]

Karena: YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.  SHE’S MY FRIEND.

[two weeks later]

Karena: I SAW PATSY AT THE SCHOOL TODAY.

Me: Oh, that’s nice.

Karena: I THINK SHE MAY HAVE GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

Two other Patsy anecdotes:

1. Patsy had no control over her kids (7 and 5 now) and they used to hit and scream at each other at the playground.  They would also play pretty roughly with Rex.  And then he’d defend himself, so the three of them would be pushing each other around, someone would be wailing and it would generally make me miserable.  She was honestly a nice person and good to talk with, but she didn’t believe in spanking, she could never stick to a punishment, she didn’t believe in forcing kids to learn things, or toilet train, etc.  Like when her kids came over to play – once – they wouldn’t clean up the mess they made in Rex’s room.  Rex was picking up his legos and looking bewildered – so she did it for them.

One day the three of them were wrestling and shrieking, and she said, for like the 100th time “I wish I could send them home with you.”  or maybe “I wish you could yell at them.”  So finally I said, “You want me to?”  And she said “Yes, please.

I didn’t feel totally comfortable shouting at someone else’s kids.  But I figured out a solution.  All three of them were roughhousing and being brats, but it was mostly her oldest one.

So I snuck up kind of close to all three, and in my best Army sergeant voice yelled “Hey! Stop that hitting!  Do you hear me?!  You knock that off NOW!”

Which worked like a charm.  The older kid stopped hitting.  (The other two were probably thinking about it anyway, so they figured it applied to them)  Being yelled at by a strange male adult scared them enough to straighten up, at least for the rest of the time we were there. (yes I know yelling eventually loses its effectiveness – ask my son)

2. We would see Patsy like once a week, usually at the playground.  Sometimes my wife saw her at the school or something.  Like I said, the kids came over to play once.  Rex went over there once. Once her husband gave me a pass to this big computers/games/nerds convention because he worked in computers but they’d be out of town.  I gave it to Karena and she was eternally grateful.  But like we knew them for 4 years and never hung out with them socially.  She didn’t talk to Patsy on the phone, or facebook or whatever.  Even when the kids played, it was always a random encounter, except for those two times, which were both in 2012.

The above is just context for the following exchange, when one day, about 6 months ago, we were at the playground together for like the first time in several months.  The boys were throwing sand at each other or something while my daughter toddled around the bench Patsy, Karena, and I were sitting on.

Patsy (for the 100th time – she said everything over and over): …omigod I’m going to miss you guys so much. What will we do without you?  I can’t believe you’re moving so far away?  It won’t be the same without you here.  don’t move, teehee!  No, I know it’s a good opportunity but we’ll miss you so much…etc

Karena: IT’S ONLY 1100 MILES.  WE COULD VISIT.  YOU COULD VISIT US.

Then the two of them start discussing this hypothetical visit.  What else there was to do around there.  The hotels.  The climate.

Karena: YOU COULD STAY WITH US.  WE’LL HAVE A GUEST BEDROOM.  THE KIDS  […] SOFA BED […] REX’S ROOM […] PLENTY OF ROOM […] WARM WEATHER…

Patsy: oh that’s so nice!  visit you yes because we’ll miss you so very much and it won’t be the same without you and the boys are such good friends and the baby is so cute and i can’t believe you’re moving.  definitely we should visit each other and…

Karena and Patsy [simultaneously in cacophony]: DEFINITELY.  totally.  VISIT. so nice. WONDERFUL

Me: Stop!  No one is going to visit anyone.  You two have never hung out and you live 3 miles away.  You’re not going to travel a thousand miles.  Look, I’m not trying to be rude – if you do happen to be in the same state – or one of the adjoining states – you’re definitely welcome to visit, and even stay at our place.  But please, let’s be realistic.

They both just stare at me like I’m speaking Tagalog.  Long, uncomfortable pause.

Karena: YES IF YOU ARE IN THE SAME STATE, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY VISIT!

Patsy: Yes, that would be so wonderful!  We’ll miss you guys so much.  If we visit, the boys could play together, etc.

Karena: AND THE WEATHER IS SO MUCH NICER.  DEFINITELY VISIT…ETC

Patsy: …totally visit!  Can’t believe you guys are moving… etc.

Later, of course:

Karena: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLD PATSY THAT SHE COULDN’T VISIT US.  THAT WAS SO RUDE.


Back to the present day, and ogling women at the gym: Another highlight was Good Thing #3 who was there at the same time as the blond, which is the first time two women who I’d have sex with have been at the Y at the same time.  She was wearing short orange shorts and a tanktop, and high socks.  But she just rode on the cardio too, so I couldn’t even really look at her because there’s no reason for me to point my head in that direction.  But when I went to the water fountain, I did admire the way her buttocks jostled athletically as she ellipsed.

Weight: 174.2

Squat: up to 350; 230,235,240×3

knee felt better, only hurt a little on one or two random sets (like 175×3 and 325×1) 

Bench: …285×3, 290x3x2

Sumo+strong: 255

Time: 1:25

Put you on a T-shirt.

Wt: 173.2

That’s a PR, it deserves respectful bolding.  It’s my blog, I’ll bold what I want to (even if it makes me look like I’m writing a ransom note)

Saw Andy for the last time.  In retrospect, I like him a bit more than you’d guess from reading this blog.  The other day he told me how he squatted 625 (in wraps @230 bw) and I made a noise like “hm-yeah”.  Didn’t tell him that I’d watched it online and hoped that it would be high.  It’s called being a hater.  Now that he only comes to the gym once a week – to speed bench – he is much more bearable than when he and George and FatFriend were taking up the rack for hours with reverse banded chain good-mornings to a box or whatever.  Now the only thing I actually dislike about him is his ear gauges, which I find myself staring at.  He takes the bamboo/padlocks out during his workout,leaving droopy earlobes and a jagged wound.  Very disconcerting.  But yeah, um, as much as I hate to admit it, Andy’s okay.

Speaking of FatFriend, had this conversation about him with Andy:

Andy: Have you seen that guy Jesse who comes to the gym with George?

Me: Hmm, I dunno, what’s he like?

Andy: He’s a big guy…blahblah, sturdy, muscular, bulky…

Me: Nah, the only guy I seen George with is some fatso…

Andy: …wears ____ brand shoes, short brown hair, blue shorts…blah blah…pretty strong

Me: I only seen him with this one guy who squats 240 everytime which is like less than his bodyweight – wait, but he had blue shorts…

Andy: (not missing a beat) Yeah! that’s Jesse; so anyway…

Talk about politically correct.  Your new team member is a fat lazy fuck with $200 shoes who squats less than his cholesterol.  Own it.

Squat (no belt): up to 430×1; 315×3, 335,350×2, 355×3

Skinny trainer i never seen before training 2 women on the astroturf area, using various high-dollar Crossfit-type moves.  One may have been the other’s mom.  “Mom” was 40+, brunette, like 5’8, 180, ugly face but would be bearable if she lost 50 lbs.  “Daughter” was late 20’s?, blond, pretty, but like 5’8, 160 making her just too big to be worth fucking IMO (if you’re 6’2 and 220, i’m sure she’s petite to you, but at the same time I’m sure you can pull better chicks than this. 

Me (to John the BB): Beware! The astroturf area makes chicks fat and guys skinny.  I have a large enough sample size to prove it.

Trainer was leading Fatsy Sr. and Jr. through a toning and shaping workout in the cable crossover.  If you refer to my diagram, you’ll see that it’s beyond my line of sight.  (However high schoolers should still refrain from playing what my wrestling coach called “grab-ass and goose-the-moose”)  While trainer led daughter through an exercise, Mom deliberately stepped away IOT more perfectly stare at me from 10 feet in front of my face.

When I reracked the bar, I looked over at her and she made an expression like if you just saw a guy bend his knee like a chicken, i.e. kind of fascinating but also seemingly unhealthy (I’m sure my face was looking like fatman’s penis, i.e red, veiny, and bulging, as Celica and wo claim) 

During my set (350×2) I resolved to blow her a kiss or wink at her at the conclusion, or something to indicate that I caught her staring, what’s up you chubby cougar lose the trainer who looks too weak for golf, except to serve as a club, and get with a real man who doesn’t even need a squat belt.

Except then I saw that she was really fat AND ugly and I lost my nerve and instead just glared angrily at her, tell your daughter that if I was drunk I’d fuck her, but there’s not enough booze in the world for you, i almost want to start a fight with your trainer for not babysitting you properly.

BTN Press: up to 144x3x2

today cleaning it was fine but pressing hurt the rib.

Sumo+strong: …205, 225, 235

Time: 1:30

didn’t get yelled at re: time, but did get yelled at for not doing one of the 20 things my wife asked me to do – but refused to make a list of (because I wouldn’t do them.)  If that makes sense, you must have a vagina

Just…say…no.

Wednesday: It’s about 100 degrees outside.  The gym is air-conditioned, and the temperature is lower inside, but the AC can only do so much.  Maybe it can lower the temp by 15 degrees, which is fine when it’s 80.

Knowing it was going to be hot, I didn’t wear my gray Army PT shirt, instead choosing a green cotton one (also Army surplus). But of course I sweated through that and then did so many sets of squats that I got a sore or something on my right rear delt, which the thicker PT shirt probably would have prevented.  It made holding the bar painful, but I just kept going. 

Suzanne, the top cougar, came in wearing a new outfit.  Short black shorts, and a black top with the front kind of open showing her ample tan cleavage.  Pretty sure those are implants.  She began doing her bodyweight-only exercises in the cable crossover area, about fifteen feet in front of me.  I no longer even feel lust towards her, just disgust and annoyance that this whore has to bounce around in front of me.

Wt: 181.6

LBS up to 440, 395×1,1,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,1,1 (20)

BTN press 160, 140x2x3, 140x7x2

Sumo + avg band: 4 sets, all prs up to 280 off 3.5″ deficit

Time: 2:00


Thursday

Wt: 182

MRS up to 380, 355×1,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,2,1,2 (22)

Bench up to 350, 320×2,2,2

probably could have done more on bench, both max and volume, but didn’t start benching til I’d already maxed on squats bc Emilio and John the Bodybuilder were using the 2 good ones.

Sumo+strong band: 4sets, all prs, up to 180 off 3.5″ deficit

Time: 2:10


Wife hung out with George’s wife (I forget if I gave her a fake name we’ll call her Rita) and this other chick Crystal who used to work at the front desk at the gym and is married to an Iraq vet (navy corpsman) who still does work the front desk (i think they both have other jobs too).  Um, for regular readers of the blog, Crystal and Rita were the ones who took those pics of me at the powerlifting meet.  For even more diligent readers, Crystal was once deadlifting with 10 lb metal plates and I pointed out the 10 lb bumpers but she didn’t care and kept doing them like that.  When I joked about this with her husband he rolled his eyes.

Got a lot of good gossip about Andy and George.  Of course the cost of this was Karena blabbing things about me that now they’re going to tell their husbands. Some of the stuff is kind of unfair to repeat so I’ll think about what I want to divulge…

Just…say…no.

Wednesday: It’s about 100 degrees outside.  The gym is air-conditioned, and the temperature is lower inside, but the AC can only do so much.  Maybe it can lower the temp by 15 degrees, which is fine when it’s 80.

Knowing it was going to be hot, I didn’t wear my gray Army PT shirt, instead choosing a green cotton one (also Army surplus). But of course I sweated through that and then did so many sets of squats that I got a sore or something on my right rear delt, which the thicker PT shirt probably would have prevented.  It made holding the bar painful, but I just kept going. 

Suzanne, the top cougar, came in wearing a new outfit.  Short black shorts, and a black top with the front kind of open showing her ample tan cleavage.  Pretty sure those are implants.  She began doing her bodyweight-only exercises in the cable crossover area, about fifteen feet in front of me.  I no longer even feel lust towards her, just disgust and annoyance that this whore has to bounce around in front of me.

Wt: 181.6

LBS up to 440, 395×1,1,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,1,1 (20)

BTN press 160, 140x2x3, 140x7x2

Sumo + avg band: 4 sets, all prs up to 280 off 3.5″ deficit

Time: 2:00


Thursday

Wt: 182

MRS up to 380, 355×1,1,2,1,2,1,2,1,1,1,1,1,1,1,2,1,2 (22)

Bench up to 350, 320×2,2,2

probably could have done more on bench, both max and volume, but didn’t start benching til I’d already maxed on squats bc Emilio and John the Bodybuilder were using the 2 good ones.

Sumo+strong band: 4sets, all prs, up to 180 off 3.5″ deficit

Time: 2:10


Wife hung out with George’s wife (I forget if I gave her a fake name we’ll call her Rita) and this other chick Crystal who used to work at the front desk at the gym and is married to an Iraq vet (navy corpsman) who still does work the front desk (i think they both have other jobs too).  Um, for regular readers of the blog, Crystal and Rita were the ones who took those pics of me at the powerlifting meet.  For even more diligent readers, Crystal was once deadlifting with 10 lb metal plates and I pointed out the 10 lb bumpers but she didn’t care and kept doing them like that.  When I joked about this with her husband he rolled his eyes.

Got a lot of good gossip about Andy and George.  Of course the cost of this was Karena blabbing things about me that now they’re going to tell their husbands. Some of the stuff is kind of unfair to repeat so I’ll think about what I want to divulge…

Getting on my nerves

Look at this shit.  I think I might send this link to Louie Simmons:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=331823206942783&set=vb.307983712660066&type=2&theater


I’ve told Andy and George how much the chains suck (what is that 7 lbs of chain on each side that’s leaving the floor).  They asked me how to set up bands for benching, and I told them the best way (you gotta double the bands up & pull em through a heavy dumbbell, trust me i only did this shit for over a year) but they continue to use a single long ass mini band looped from one collar, under the bench, and then to the other collar; it provides like 8 lbs of band tension when you do it this way.  And let’s not even talk about box squats.


Arrived at the gym at the same time as Andy one day.  In the locker room, he took some wrinkled article of clothing out of his bag, and made a face.  I noticed this and asked him if he left his old workout clothes in there by mistake.  He said something like “oh I always do this.”  He was astonished when I said I washed my clothes after every workout (i have five pairs of shorts, 5 pairs of soccer socks and unlimited army surplus t-shirts) and even joked that this was “kinda anal.”  I retorted that not washing your clothes was “kinda unsanitary” and he told me that before the meet, he went 12 weeks without washing his gym clothes.

When I gossiped told this story to John the bodybuilder (he actually made an “ugh” face as soon as I said Andy’s name), he said, “No wonder that guy always smells so bad.”  I personally don’t have much of a sense of smell, so I honestly never noticed.  (The only person’s BO who I’ve ever noticed besides my own is White Lightning – so think how bad he must smell)


Hot chick, short-ish brown hair, maybe 35-40, always wears black spandex shorts & does so many exercises requiring her to prominently display her ass (squats, rdl, different kind of rdls, good mornings, dumbbell deadlifts, etc and etc) that I thought she was a stripper.  Then her trainer (gym manager) mentioned to me that she competes in fitness shows.  So basically, same thing. 

He told me that he was putting her on 5/3/1 so she could build more muscle; it’s working, she’s certainly looking more manly (still quite fuckable)

Our 2-3 spoken interactions (over the last 4 months or so since she started coming to the gym) have been brief and very polite.  For example:

Her [takes off headphones]: Excuse me.

Me [takes off headphones]: Yes?

Her: Are you using the 10 pound bumper plates?

Me: No, here you go [hands her the nearest one]

Her: Thank you.

Me: You’re welcome.

But our non-verbal communication is on an entirely different level.  First of all, we never even nod hello to each other.  She was on my “Don’t go out of my way to greet, but nod hello and grunt ‘how ya doing’ if we make eye contact or pass by each other” list.  (besides my 6 or so acquaintances, about 20% of the not-new gym population is on this list, with the other 80% on the “don’t make eye contact” list).  But several times when I passed by her, say, on my way into the gym while she was going to the water fountain, she just stared blankly ahead.

And a few times I’ve actually caught her giving me dirty looks.  Not sure if because:

1. She notices that I occasionally glance at her fat pussy lips from behind when she is doing one of her many bending-over type exercises

2. She always yields to me, doing her 115 lb (good form) squats on the platform and never ever asking how many more sets in the rack I have left.  Even though my answer would be “just a few more heavy ones than i can switch with you,” it’s possible she fears I might answer “hahahaha are you fucking serious” (which, of course, is what i’d like to say if she asked)


Speaking of squat rack courtesy, George came in on Friday.  I was attempting to hit a PR on low-bar squats.  He sat down near the rack.  Two weeks before, George and Andy did heavy squats on Friday at about that time.  So I told him that I had a few more heavy sets left, then I’d let him use it and move over to the half-rack that faces the mirror.

He warmed up on that rack, and I kept him posted about about how much time I had left.  I finished up in 15 minutes and we switched.  I did volume work with 390 in the shitty rack.  And he did fucking speed squats 245x12x2 in the good one you’re fucking kidding me, right.


From somewhere, Andy and George found two other fat bearded guys to work out with.  These two are the type of 5’10, 275 lb, red faced fuckers that Fatman would make fun of. 

Not sure if they are on team Lone Star Barbell yet.  All four were there on Saturday, at an otherwise slow time, doing bench assistance, lat pulldowns, whatever.  I was doing bench/squat, then squat/deadlift.  One of these guys came over near the end of my workout and asked me how long I was gonna be in the squat rack. I was a little pissed about the previous day’s incident, and  I told him 25 minutes, but did offer to switch to the other rack – if he set up the bar with the weights I needed.   He declined, and just worked out on the half-rack.  He was a pretty big guy and I did feel a tiny bit guilty like maybe he’s a huge squatter (though he sure had not been doing anything impressive so far) and he’ll jump up right away to 5 plates while i hog the rack doing manta ray squats for endless doubles and triples with 350.  He worked up to 220 pounds.


College couple, probably 18 yrs old, mostly work out together (except she does extra cardio while he does some extra bullshit with dumbells, guy is short (my height) and shaggy hair and in okay shape in the sense that he’s not fat or skinny but looks like a normal person who has never lifted weights before.  Girl is like 5’1 and 95 lbs and looks a little like a bird, but a bird who I would definitely like to fuck hard.

The other day I was doing my squats and they come over to the tricep pulldown that is right in front of the squat rack and not only do like 30 sets each (while of course capering and talking and dancing around in between) but a good portion of these sets are like some sort of overhead extension deal where they have to move away from the pulley – and even closer to me so now they’re literally four feet from me each time i take the bar out of the rack.

At first, I was not bothered in the least by them being there.  I shamelessly stared at the girl’s ass and got amped by picturing all sorts of sexual encounters where she became overwhelmed with my manhood/weighty squats and demanded I immediately copulate with her, sometimes insisting that I tie her pussy boyfriend up first and make him watch and learn how to properly pleasure a woman.

But I’ve been having really bad allergies so I started to feel a little self-conscious about all the throat-clearing, coughing, and sniffling I was doing.  Not to mention the gym is really humid so I’m sure drops of sweat were flying off me and onto them.

So in terms of helping/hindering my squat it was a wash.

The one thing I couldn’t figure out though, is why they would decide that they needed to spend 30 minutes doing triceps on that particular pulley, when there are at least 4 others?

What use is other people in the gym, unless they’re spotting you?

Chad pestered me like 4 times today in the early part of my workout, wasting vital time with gossip, though it was interesting at least, so I’ll repost several of the items here.  Just wanted him to get it all out at once but he kept coming back over and motioning for me to take off my headphones.  Had to be strict with the time today as I needed to get home and shave my head before work bc my hair was making me hot.

  • If Emilio spent more time lifting weights and less time researching weird shit like chains he would be stronger.  I told him that this is actually incorrect as Emilio got his workout from Jimmy, and I waste 50x as much time researching lifting on the internet (well I used to now i just mope and troll and stalk).  But I agreed that the 21 lb chain setup is a useless piece of shit. (btw Andy proudly announced that he did chain bench in one of his recent #updates)
  • That fat chick over there is the one I was telling you about who laid on that stability ball and popped it and me and PJ couldn’t help but laugh at her and she gave us a dirty look.  The fat chick was Holly, and although the story was funny both times, I said that she was cool. (which means that now if she does anything else funny he won’t tell me about it)
  • PJ called me and asked me to go to his ex-gf’s house and get rid of his stuff so that he wouldn’t have to come back from Jersey to deal with it.  Chad was annoyed, but the stuff included an expensive mattress, a wide-screen TV, and “$1000 of supplements” including 17 lbs of protein powder.
  • Top Cougar’s husband is back at the gym.  I actually knew this before, but here’s the deal:  According to Chad and John the bodybuilder, Top Cougar’s husband was diagnosed with “serious cancer”.  I found this out after I’d lusted for her on my blog and made fun of her workout.  It bummed me out and actually stopped me from fantasizing about her for a while, which is why I didn’t share it with you guys.  Though I kind of doubt anyone here gets off to my text descriptions of the cuties in my gym.  Now he’s back (I saw him the other day).  Still doing fake crossfit workouts.

Two of my latest:

On a blog filled with Christian apocalyptic nonsense, I figured gibberish was my best bet.  I was right, and should have aimed higher:

2014-06-11 21_42_29-About _ Humanity777's Blog

And perhaps my all time greatest achievement both in trolling and not-so-subtle hueing:

2014-06-11 22_06_34-The Best In Protein « Healthy Lifestyle


Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 45bbx5, 135bbx4, 225bbx3, 315bbx2, 365bb (nb), 405, 425, 445, 460; 375×2,2,2,2,2,2,1,2

Making matters worse, I got home and saw on Facebook that George did 365x5x3 (in knee wraps and @220, but still, according to Elizabeth Vandiver, timê (τιμή, “respect, honour”) in the Iliad is a zero-sum game.)

BTN Press: 45×8, 89×4, 114×3, 139×3, 149×2, 154×2, 159; 135x5x3

Sumo Deadlift: 320 off 5″, 345 off 4.5″, 365 off 4″

Time: 1:55

What use is other people in the gym, unless they’re spotting you?

Chad pestered me like 4 times today in the early part of my workout, wasting vital time with gossip, though it was interesting at least, so I’ll repost several of the items here.  Just wanted him to get it all out at once but he kept coming back over and motioning for me to take off my headphones.  Had to be strict with the time today as I needed to get home and shave my head before work bc my hair was making me hot.

  • If Emilio spent more time lifting weights and less time researching weird shit like chains he would be stronger.  I told him that this is actually incorrect as Emilio got his workout from Jimmy, and I waste 50x as much time researching lifting on the internet (well I used to now i just mope and troll and stalk).  But I agreed that the 21 lb chain setup is a useless piece of shit. (btw Andy proudly announced that he did chain bench in one of his recent #updates)
  • That fat chick over there is the one I was telling you about who laid on that stability ball and popped it and me and PJ couldn’t help but laugh at her and she gave us a dirty look.  The fat chick was Holly, and although the story was funny both times, I said that she was cool. (which means that now if she does anything else funny he won’t tell me about it)
  • PJ called me and asked me to go to his ex-gf’s house and get rid of his stuff so that he wouldn’t have to come back from Jersey to deal with it.  Chad was annoyed, but the stuff included an expensive mattress, a wide-screen TV, and “$1000 of supplements” including 17 lbs of protein powder.
  • Top Cougar’s husband is back at the gym.  I actually knew this before, but here’s the deal:  According to Chad and John the bodybuilder, Top Cougar’s husband was diagnosed with “serious cancer”.  I found this out after I’d lusted for her on my blog and made fun of her workout.  It bummed me out and actually stopped me from fantasizing about her for a while, which is why I didn’t share it with you guys.  Though I kind of doubt anyone here gets off to my text descriptions of the cuties in my gym.  Now he’s back (I saw him the other day).  Still doing fake crossfit workouts.

Two of my latest:

On a blog filled with Christian apocalyptic nonsense, I figured gibberish was my best bet.  I was right, and should have aimed higher:

2014-06-11 21_42_29-About _ Humanity777's Blog

And perhaps my all time greatest achievement both in trolling and not-so-subtle hueing:

2014-06-11 22_06_34-The Best In Protein « Healthy Lifestyle


Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 45bbx5, 135bbx4, 225bbx3, 315bbx2, 365bb (nb), 405, 425, 445, 460; 375×2,2,2,2,2,2,1,2

Making matters worse, I got home and saw on Facebook that George did 365x5x3 (in knee wraps and @220, but still, according to Elizabeth Vandiver, timê (τιμή, “respect, honour”) in the Iliad is a zero-sum game.)

BTN Press: 45×8, 89×4, 114×3, 139×3, 149×2, 154×2, 159; 135x5x3

Sumo Deadlift: 320 off 5″, 345 off 4.5″, 365 off 4″

Time: 1:55

Social Fail

Attractive redhead at the gym.  (I’ve seen her from time to time but not in a while and not mentioned her on my blog b4).  She’s probably in her early or mid 40’s.  Wearing very short black spandex shorts, and a tanktop with some sort of sports bra thing visible underneath in the armpit region.  Thin – maybe a little too thin. I dunno, my story is that she is determined to keep her BW at 110 lbs; maybe she used to be fat; maybe she has maintained this weight since high school.  So IMO she’d look better at 115 but no one here would not fuck her based on her looks.  A good four word description of her would be “your friend’s hot mom”.  That is, if you’re a teenager.  Otherwise, think back to your friend with the hottest mom when you were 15.  Got it?  Okay, moving along…

She’s working out nearby, and I’m checking her out.  Especially when she’s doing leg presses and those shorts are climbing even higher. 

Anyway, I’m about to do a set of behind-the-neck press.  (bar is on the floor, I have to DL, hang clean and push press it into position, you know the drill). I broke another pair of headphones, so I’m wearing a pair of my wife’s that kind of wrap around the back of your neck rather than the top of your head.  So they’re a pain in the ass and I have to remove them to do BTN press – at least for singles. I’ve just taken them off and am chalking my hands, when I hear a woman’s voice from behind me.

So did you do that meet in [another state] like four weeks ago?

I know it’s her bc the gym is pretty empty.  I actually consider pretending that I don’t hear her and just setting up to lift   But I decide that’s a pretentious thing to do.  I mean it’s a 154 lb btn press single.

So I turn around and we have this interaction:

Me: Uh, no.

Her: Because my friend did it, but he got disqualified for not holding the weight up long enough.

[She may have been talking about a weightlifting meet – or maybe a deadlift???

Me: Oh.

[I set up to do my clean, but then I realize that was not an adequate response]

Me: Oh yeah?  That’s, uh, too bad.

[Now I realize that it’s hard to talk in this position, and also foolish to  stay crouched down like this and try to have a conversation]

Her: Well, I see you’re busy.

At this point, she walked away quickly.  I did my single, and then looked around for her.  My feelings were conflicted:

I feel bad for being so brusque.  OTOH, fuck her, leave me alone, I’m trying to lift.  But I talk to other guys.  But not during my sets.  I might have treated a high school nerd the same way, and that’s okay because I’m married and not trying to bang her.  On the other hand, I like pretty gym girls and often wish that they would talk to me during my workout (actually I wish that they would sit on my face during my workout). Now one comes up to chat with me and I act worse than any of the tongue-tied mopers that I’ve ever tried to advise online.  What would Fatman say? He’s probably the most normal guy I know.  “She was just trying to be friendly” That sounds reasonable.  I’ll go over and exchange some pleasantries with her and then get back to my workout.

I didn’t see her but figured she might be in the stretching area.  It’s near the water fountain.  My water bottle was full so I drank it down a bit and strolled over.  Of course she was not there, she had probably left the gym.


Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 45bbx5, 135bbx4, 225bbx3, 315bbx2, 365bb, 405, 435, 445; 370x10x3

BTN Press: 45×8, 89×4, 109×3, 129×3, 144×2, 154, 159, 164; 135x4x3

Sumo+average band: 5 sets, all PRs, up to 270 off 3″ deficit

Time: 2 hours

gonna take tomorrow off

Cougars everywhere

Lately, I’ve mentioned that a lot of the hot mommies who come to the gym in the morning have been mimicking the top cougar’s crazy routine.  Well today, all of them (5, but not the top cougar) were together, getting some sort of group instruction from a trainer whose bio I’ve read but have never seen in action before.  She’s all right in the face, and good in the body, probably 30 or so, but dresses modestly (like a short sleeve shirt and wind pants – violating the gym dress code for female trainers that requires tits and/or ass to be hanging out).  Also she has a degree in exercise science.  She was having them do the same bullshit as all the other trainers: pushups on the inverted bosu ball, 45-degree pullups on the TRX, lunges onto imaginary cocks whatever.  It’s fine, I’m sure that’s what they wanted and expected.

I’m not sure which came first: did these broads start mimicking top cougar and then decide, hey we need to get better at this nonsense, let’s pool our money and hire this trainer?  Or did they have a session before this that I missed, and for the last week or two have been practicing what they’ve learned?  Probably the latter but idk, who cares, too busy trying to see camel toe when they do that thing where they lie on their backs and pass a stability ball from overhead to in between their knees and then back.

All of these MILFs wear a lot of spandex, and have pretty faces, and blond hair, but they’re the kind of chicks who complain about the last 10 pounds they can’t lose and ask what they can do to tone up their arms and like to chat on the cardio and drive big SUVs and I would like to dive on a big pile of them naked and do some group exercise, but instead did this:


Weight: 190.6

Manta Ray Squat: 45×6, 135×4, 225×3, 275×2, 315, 355; 330x4x3, 330x6x2, 330x2x3

Bench: 45×10, 120×6, 170×4, 225×3, 275×2, 325; 305x4x3, 305x9x2

Sumo+Average Band: 5 sets, all PRs, up to 260 off 3″ deficit

Time: 2:10, excuse: had a boner the whole time

Non-training Anecdotes

Jackmancoctus: Your son is probably going to start posting on Mopewod one day because of you Coach.

One day, a few months ago, some great-great uncle died.  So, we told Rex the news when he got home from school.  He frowned, and then asked if he could play video games.  That night, when we said his bedtime prayers, we included the uncle.  Everything was still fine.  Twenty minutes later, he starts hollering.

I rush into his room, and he’s sobbing, “I don’t want to die.  I don’t ever want to die.”

Fortunately, I’d just been reading about the technological singularity.  So I explained to him that he might not have to, that if he could just make it to 2045 or so, they’d probably be able to upload his brain into a computer, and then download it into a new body, etc, etc.   I talked to him about it for ten minutes or so, because a) he seemed pretty upbeat and fascinated, b) it seemed a lot easier either the “Everybody dies…heaven…theology…etc.” conversation, especially at that late hour, c) new, captive audience: my wife groans the instant I start telling her about something I’m reading.  When I left, Rex was drifting off happily to sleep.

The next day, got a call from my wife while I was at work: “YOUR SON IS SCREAMING AND CRYING THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE TURNED INTO A CYBORG.  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.”


Took the kids to the playground today.  Rex took off at a dead sprint from the parking lot.  I followed, walking at a normal pace.  Wife followed, holding Quincy’s hand.  Quincy the baby takes 4 steps to every adult step.  The playground is about 350 meters from the parking lot.  They were gonna be a while. 

Sat down on the bench next to some lady whose great-grandkids (she looked about 70) were playing there too. Of course, she wanted to chat about a variety of boring old-person subjects (“It’s quite hot today, isn’t it”).  After a few minutes she asked me, “Do you have any children here?”  I replied, “No, I just like to sit on the bench and watch other people’s kids.”  I paused for a moment, then told her the truth.  She played it off like she knew my son was mine and she was just seeing if I was his dad, or his uncle or something, but I had her.  Hue.  Glad when wife got there and started talking to the woman.  Wife is 30 going on 70 so they got along great.  Showed my wife pictures of the clown college (not kidding) she went to.


MILF on the playground, about 5’1, with toned arms.  Jeans cinched securely, so no whale tail, tramp stamp or buttcrack was visible when she bent down.  Small breasts so wore gray tanktop with no bra so that nipples clearly visible.  Instead of sitting there like most moms, was kind of hanging off of stuff.  I mean, not doing muscle-ups or anything but you could tell she worked out.

Barely worth mentioning except she started playing a game with her son (6-8).  He took her prisoner, and put a pair of realistic-looking plastic handcuffs on her.  This was kind of strange, but also kind of hot if I could somehow delete the little kid chirping next to her from my mental images.  He made her get inside some jungle gym.  At this point, my son started playing with them too.  They made her get inside one of those little tunnels.  Her son guarded her from outside, and Rex got in the tunnel with her. Hue. She eventually escaped and they chased her, and then like 5 minutes later we went home.

Wife: THEY WERE REALLY INTO THAT PRISONER GAME, YOU THINK?

Me: Yeah that chick looked pretty hot with those cuffs on, I was having some lewd thoughts bout her.

haha I did not say this, long years of marriage have made me at least 0.3% more sensible about what I blurt out.

Me: huh? oh – that game he was playing with that lady and her kid? that’s nice.

Oh What the F

So pretty excited to be back home and working out in my own gym.  Eager to look at my squat videos from Sat and post my 455 online.  Oh, except all my squats were high.  I swear I replayed each squat after I did it and they were fine, a lot even looked too low.  Except when replaying in high-def on my 22″ desktop monitor, everything was high as shit.  Like maybe passing in a shitty fed if I know the judges.  Sigh.  Not gonna post so you can all hue me.

Tomorrow I have to confine my workout to like 90 minutes and try to squat 460.  So I won’t have time to video myself.  Rest assured that if I do squat 460, no matter what I tell you, it was high.

Fudge, son of a b, SHAME, $@#%


Weight: 194.6 i blame celica he said carbs would keep me trim

Manta Ray Squat: 45×6, 135×4, 225×3, 275×2, 315, 335; 315x10x3

These were to depth.  Maybe not.  I’ve probably just invented a new way to squat where you bounce your ass off your calves but still don’t hit parallel. FML

Medium Grip Bench: 45×10, 105×6, 155×4, 205×3, 255×2, 305×2; 280x6x5

Sumo+Lite Band: 6 sets, all PRs, up to 320 off 2.5″ deficit

Chinups: 5,6,6

Went at prime-time, no really hot girls, no remarkable goofballs.  I mean, the usual college crossfit phonies.  Emma was there she did 145x5x5 on squat and 85?x5x5 on bench, then kicked the shit out of the heavy bag.  Here, I’ll talk some shit: the more paleo meals she posts on her instagram the fatter she looks.  She came over and talked to me but I just exchanged pleasantries.  Pretty focused today.

My best fan…

rex1

I mean how could you want to disappoint this little guy?

rex2

Turns into a Bosch painting when we zoom out and see old pervert fondling his genitals (right) and fatso bellowing (top).  Andy is the one holding the pizza at left.


The college kids are back at the gym:

  • Guy deadlifting 135, then 155, then leg pressing, then squatting 109 lbs.  It’s ok, it was for multiple reps.  Had good form tho.
  • Had to wait for guy to finish squatting 155 to use power rack.  That’s fine.  Not so keen on him walking away between sets to have a long convo with some hipster fucking a foam roller on the astroturf.  Squatter (overheard): “Well, it’s great to meet you.”  So he didn’t even know the guy, he just decided to introduce himself?  Maybe they are gay.  Also fine.  Just not when I want the power rack.
  • Guy wearing knee sleeves, black chucks, and chalk, fucking a foam roller lewdly, then sumo deadlifting up to 315 for a single with great fanfare, then 275 for reps with mats under the weights.
  • Permanently tanned orange skank – good body, kind of a butter face, i’d hit that – working out in a skirt.  (She had light yellow booty shorts on underneath – I checked while she was bench pressing)
  • Super hot girl who must be 18 cause she’s in college but face looks 14 has giant breasts considering how small and skinny she is, tiniest black spandex pants ever.  I tried to wink at her because she was watching me wrap wrists before bench, but I’m not completely proficient at being a dirty old man yet so i had a facial twitch and blinked at her instead.
  • Skinny fuckers doing calves and forearms with great gusto.

Not college, still amusing to me:

  • Mega Mike (can’t remember what nickname I gave him earlier), the lone (alleged) steroid user at the gym (or the only one who shouldn’t ask for a refund) asking me what parallel was on squats and then not coming close.  He’s a pretty cool guy though and I have more in common with him than anyone else i.e. loser whose sole talent is lifting but is not remarkable by any meaningful standard. Today he told me that I “didn’t train that much”.  Found out he trains twice a day.  He does have a hot JAPpy-looking gf – with a kind of big booty – but it looks good in black spandex.
  • Former olympic lifter (had 120 kg CJ, at at least 100kg bw quit bc this gym doesn’t have enough bumper plates – you can make 249 lbs with just bumpers but i guess he doesn’t want to add any metal plates on the sides?), benching 135 and 185 (i’ll give him a pass on this one), puts on WL shoes, works up to 205 lb paused front squats.
  • Future State Champ (bw 170) missing 280 lb bench that would have been redlighted 30 times for bouncing and asslifting and other assorted malfeasance anyway.  Man I wish he’d competed.

This has been an awesome blog post, I’m taking tomorrow off from the gym and from blogging.  WTF Wo, you can make comments on mopeility but you can’t update your own blog for the first time in like months that I can actually relate to any exercise you are doing.


Weight: 189 (-1.2) got some Walmart whey and have been trying it, no problems yet.

Manta Ray Squat: 45×5, 135×4, 225×3, 275×2, 315, 340, 360, 380, 390, 400; 305×2,2,2,2,3,3,3,3,2,2,3,3

My knee hurt after the first double.  Just kept going.  Stopped hurting.

Medium Grip Bench: 45×10, 95×6, 145×4, 195×3, 245×3, 295×2, 325, 345, 355, 360; 275x6x5

Sumo+avg band: 6 sets, all PRs, up to 265 off 2.5″ deficit

Time: 2 hours.

My best fan…

rex1

I mean how could you want to disappoint this little guy?

rex2

Turns into a Bosch painting when we zoom out and see old pervert fondling his genitals (right) and fatso bellowing (top).  Andy is the one holding the pizza at left.


The college kids are back at the gym:

  • Guy deadlifting 135, then 155, then leg pressing, then squatting 109 lbs.  It’s ok, it was for multiple reps.  Had good form tho.
  • Had to wait for guy to finish squatting 155 to use power rack.  That’s fine.  Not so keen on him walking away between sets to have a long convo with some hipster fucking a foam roller on the astroturf.  Squatter (overheard): “Well, it’s great to meet you.”  So he didn’t even know the guy, he just decided to introduce himself?  Maybe they are gay.  Also fine.  Just not when I want the power rack.
  • Guy wearing knee sleeves, black chucks, and chalk, fucking a foam roller lewdly, then sumo deadlifting up to 315 for a single with great fanfare, then 275 for reps with mats under the weights.
  • Permanently tanned orange skank – good body, kind of a butter face, i’d hit that – working out in a skirt.  (She had light yellow booty shorts on underneath – I checked while she was bench pressing)
  • Super hot girl who must be 18 cause she’s in college but face looks 14 has giant breasts considering how small and skinny she is, tiniest black spandex pants ever.  I tried to wink at her because she was watching me wrap wrists before bench, but I’m not completely proficient at being a dirty old man yet so i had a facial twitch and blinked at her instead.
  • Skinny fuckers doing calves and forearms with great gusto.

Not college, still amusing to me:

  • Mega Mike (can’t remember what nickname I gave him earlier), the lone (alleged) steroid user at the gym (or the only one who shouldn’t ask for a refund) asking me what parallel was on squats and then not coming close.  He’s a pretty cool guy though and I have more in common with him than anyone else i.e. loser whose sole talent is lifting but is not remarkable by any meaningful standard. Today he told me that I “didn’t train that much”.  Found out he trains twice a day.  He does have a hot JAPpy-looking gf – with a kind of big booty – but it looks good in black spandex.
  • Former olympic lifter (had 120 kg CJ, at at least 100kg bw quit bc this gym doesn’t have enough bumper plates – you can make 249 lbs with just bumpers but i guess he doesn’t want to add any metal plates on the sides?), benching 135 and 185 (i’ll give him a pass on this one), puts on WL shoes, works up to 205 lb paused front squats.
  • Future State Champ (bw 170) missing 280 lb bench that would have been redlighted 30 times for bouncing and asslifting and other assorted malfeasance anyway.  Man I wish he’d competed.

This has been an awesome blog post, I’m taking tomorrow off from the gym and from blogging.  WTF Wo, you can make comments on mopeility but you can’t update your own blog for the first time in like months that I can actually relate to any exercise you are doing.


Weight: 189 (-1.2) got some Walmart whey and have been trying it, no problems yet.

Manta Ray Squat: 45×5, 135×4, 225×3, 275×2, 315, 340, 360, 380, 390, 400; 305×2,2,2,2,3,3,3,3,2,2,3,3

My knee hurt after the first double.  Just kept going.  Stopped hurting.

Medium Grip Bench: 45×10, 95×6, 145×4, 195×3, 245×3, 295×2, 325, 345, 355, 360; 275x6x5

Sumo+avg band: 6 sets, all PRs, up to 265 off 2.5″ deficit

Time: 2 hours.

The Great White Hype

…is one of my favorite movies, and certainly my favorite boxing movie.  Let’s discuss it in the comments so we don’t have any spoilers.  It’s not on netflix instant, so if you haven’t seen it, https://thepiratebay.se/search/the%20great%20white%20hype/0/99/0 (not responsible for you illegally downloading anything, at least use Peerblock.


Flip Six is an awesome card game.


Weight: 190.2 (-0.2)

Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 45bbx5, 135bbx4, 225bbx3, 315bbx2, 365, 405, 425, 440, 450; 330x10x3

A hot blond cougar in a pink tight spandex-y tank top and gray stretch pants through which you could see her vulva was exercising sans weights out on the astroturf area.  I almost dumped a squat when she started doing the “robot” with her arms while she was doing backwards lunges.

This is a trend at my gym.  Not doing the robot, but doing gawky weird dance moves combined with exercises.  It started with the head cougar who does a lot of imaginary skiing and squat thrusts with tiny little bunnyhops.  Now it has spread among the MILF community.  They look like fools.  Hot fools tho.

I admit to sometimes copying other people (deadlifting off of the floor mats – stolen from Andy).  Other times, even allowing for vanity, paranoia, and coincidence, I’ve been copied myself.  A prime example is during the months that I did front squats, I saw dozens of other people doing them.  Now that I’ve stopped, I see maybe one person a month.  (And no, Fatman, it’s not because I only paid attention back then; I still pay attention to what everyone else is doing)

BTN Press: 45×6, 95×3, 115×3, 130×2, 140, 150, 155, 160; 125x7x3

Sumo+Light Band: 7 sets, all PRs, up to 330 off 2″ deficit

Had to get this heavy because this nerd who looks like he could be the enemy’s brother did 325 (conventional, off a 4″ deficit, but no bands).  Rounded his back like a mother.  This is not a subtle dig at any of my blog readers who are no good at deadlifts, but this guy, like his maybe brother, is another one with a lot of accoutrements (nylon belt, iphone workout, chalk) who’s been lifting consistently for years and years and still sucks at it.  Squats 135 all the time, front squats 115.  Benches 185 for a few reps (sorry Cxlic).  We don’t speak to one another because he stole my collars off my bench a few months ago, and I stole them back from the decline bench he put them on without saying anything.

Neck Curls (towel on face, 45 on towel) x 20

Time: 2 hrs.

PJ Yells at a Guy

PJ was doing camber bar shrugs.  These are his best exercise, and he sometimes works up to 5 or even 6 plates.  (Some would say that a seated military press with 315 is more impressive, but I would argue that these are neither “seated” nor “military”)

Some guy was in there doing dumbbell bench with idk, the 80s.  He was a handsome, kind of muscular, kind of pudgy guy with a shirt that said (Sorority) Mixer 2007.  If I had to guess, I would say he worked out a lot in college, but now his job and wife take all of his time.  Not sure why he is lifting at 10 AM, how this fits into his profile, maybe he is between jobs, maybe he just had a kid and he had a week off work and is about to go back.

Guy: What bodypart are you working today?

PJ: Total body, man!

Guy: Then how come you’ve only been doing one exercise this whole time?

PJ: Then how come I look like this and you look like that?!

I feel what separates me from the totally insane PJ, is that:

1. PJ initiated the conversation with this tool (he walked by and started talking to him on his way to the water fountain).

2. Even doing them the way PJ does them, I’d be confused too if he told me that camber-bar shrugs were a total body exercise.

3. Maybe he intended to do more exercises but he actually didn’t even finish shrugging, only working up to 315 (prob because he was averaging a set every 10-15 minutes, had been there for 90 minutes and had to go to work)

Anyway, I felt it was funny and at least gave me something to write about in my blog.  Between chatting with PJ and helping Emilio figure out box squats, deficit deadlifts and reverse hypers, I wasted about 10 minutes of my own time in there.  Not to mention having to bench (PJ spotted me; he’s a good spotter but I worry someday that he will drop the bar on my face on purpose)


Weight: 189.2 (-1.8)

Low Bar Squat: 45×5, 45bbx4, 135bbx3, 225bbx3, 275×2, 325×2, 365×2, 405, 425, 435; 310x2x3, 310x6x4

Volume: 9300

Bench: 45×10, 95×6, 145×4, 195×3, 245×3, 295×2, 335, 355, 365

Slingshot Bench: 385, 405

Quitting slingshot at least for a while.  Too much volume to get done, too little time.

Bench: 280x2x5, 280x5x4

Volume: 8400

Sumo + Average Band: 3 sets, all PRs, up to, don’t laugh, 195 off 4″ deficit.  Look, man, average bands add like 180 lbs at the top.  And I wasted a lot of time, I was feeling tired from doing all my volume on both bench and squats in like 20 minutes, meanwhile the blood all rushing away from my muscles and into my penis because of a barely legal girl in short shorts trying to figure out how to exercise.  But with my new speedy deadlift technique, those 3 sets only took a combined total of one second so that’s good. explosion.

Time: 2:10

yes i know yesterday was 1:50, so it evens out, fucking go tattle to my wife that i broke my unprompted promise to keep my workouts to 2 hours or less.

Blood Game

Busy with training and life and only a few more real days before the meet before i taper so gonna keep posts short and mostly about training for the next week or so.  I’ll probably waste a lot of time posting comments on your guys’ blogs so if you could all take a hiatus I’d appreciate it thx.


Trained late night.  When i got there, this curl bro was using the platform, the Enemy was overhead pressing 75 lbs in the half-rack, and these losers were squatting 155 not to parallel in the power rack. 

When I used to coach wrestling the guys who didn’t have wrestling shoes would wrestle in socks until they got shoes.  If you’ve been working out longer than a month and you are still squatting/dling in socks you’re never going to amount to anything just quit.  trust me.  Same with wrestling.

Fortunately the curl bro was at least moderately self-aware of his folly and yielded to me after one more set.  Which is fine, you don’t want to look like a little bitch.  do your one more set and then gtfo and do some kneeling hercules curls.  it’s arm day and you got smaller guns than a much shorter guy who never curls.  at least you shave your arms.

not like I’m getting a little amped up about my meet and it feels like everyone is in my way.

enemy’s gf came in after he left.  she deadlifted 155 which is the same weight those guys squatting with were using yesterday. she is a pudgy little thing.  used to be some serious crossfitter then gained like 15 lbs.  today she introduced herself and probably wanted to talk.  if i was not married i would at least have tried to steal her away from him but i just put my headphones back on.  if 7year, celica, jackman, or wo were there, i’d have tagged out and sent them over to impress her and seal the deal.

some guy came over at 915 pm.  gym closes at 1000 pm. i had the bar loaded to 465.  he had been playing basketball & wanted to know if i was gonna be done soon or was I just warming up.  I told him “I’m gonna be using this the rest of the time, sorry.”  When little trollop got done front squatting 65 lbs in the half rack (not to parallel you can do better) he took over and took off his shoes and squatted 135 with good form and 225 not to parallel.  just quit.


forgot to weigh in b4 breakfast this morning

Manta Ray Squat: 45×5, 135×4, 225×3, 275×2, 320, 340, 360, 370, 380

LBS: 225×2, 315, 385, 415, 435, 455, 465; 365×2, 370,375,380,385,390×1

got a bloody nose with 465 and sprayed blood onto the floor at least 10 drops squirted out.  bad breath holding & also had a bloody nose earlier today (i get a lot of bloody noses).  ms. enemy was getting a drink and did not witness this.

DB Bench: 30×30, 40×40, 50×25,25, 60×30

BTN Press: 45×6, 89×3, 109×2, 129×1, 135, 140; 100x4x3

Sumo: 6 sets, all PRs, up to 405 off 2.5″ deficit

Time: 1:50

Ethical Dilemma Part 2

Smoking hot MILF (never mentioned her on blog b4) but always wears sports bra (has abs) and sweatpants that say something on the butt which is my favorite reading material @ the gym asked for help today with her Smith Machine squats.  “Am I going to parallel?”  I.E. look at my ass and taut stomach without feeling self-conscious.  (10/10 would have incredibly depraved adultery with this woman, actually have conversations about our kids)  No person should ever do smith machine squats, but in case you really give a fuck, try putting your feet way farther forward than you normally would.

This is not the ethical dilemma.  Maybe if she were naked (hue) it would have caused one, but I digress.


So Future State Champ and his buddy were benching.  Buddy has an arch that would make Sheiko and Celica proud.  Too bad he can only bench like 195×3 with said arch.  FSC, for the record, is a nice enough guy.  Gave me a lot of spots today.  The other day  he annoyed me by asking me a stupid question (“Andy said I should squat with the bar lower on my back, how should I do that”) but I learned later that Andy advised him of this on Facebook, which is why he couldn’t ask Andy and had to bother me.

IOW, no beef.  So today I witness FSC bench 255×1 and it is ugly.  Like he lifted his butt literally a foot off the bench. 

Me: So, uh, what do you think you’re gonna open with on bench?

FSC: Well the other day I got 280, but it was pretty hard.

Me: Open with.

FSC: I dunno, I think 245.

I guarantee that if he opens with 245, he will bomb out on bench.

So do I advise him to open with something like 195-200?  Or do I just let him fail?  He lifts at 165.  I do sort of hate him because I don’t approve of his training.  Karena says not to say shit because the meet will be long enough as it is and the more people who bomb the better.  OTOH like I said he never did anything to harm me.  OT3H, everyone but me is the competition.


I kind of fell behind on answering some comments especially by Fatman and I’ll get to those later


Weight: 192.6 (+1.2) Back to the diet.  Okay, but my wife makes “breakfast for dinner” every sunday = blueberry pancakes, bacon and eggs.  So I have to eat that first.  Then back on the diet.

High Bar Squat: 45×5, 135×3, 225×2, 275, 315, 355, 370, 380, 385

Low Bar Squat: 405, 415, 425, 435, 445, 450

nice

Manta Ray Squat: 365x5x1

Medium Grip Bench: 45×10, 95×6, 145×3, 195×3, 245×2, 295, 320, 340, 350, 360

Slingshot Bench: 380, 395, 405; 380x2x2

Medium Grip Bench: 335×2

Sumo Deadlift: 10 sets, up to 475 from 0.5″ deficit

Time: 2:30 felt a little guilty, but then came home to find out both the kids, exhausted by grandparent visit, napped the entire time

I’m interviewed.

Had to go to the gym during prime time today.  Still got the rack, after warming up in the half-rack while some high school kid did box squats onto the little metal step-up box with a 45 lb plate on top.  I’m trying to think of a joke about him damaging his tender young rectum, but they all sound really gay.  So, just don’t do box squats and descend forcefully onto small metal objects with sharp corners.  Even if you put a 45 lb plate on top.

Lifting 410 out of the rack and some other kid stands right in front of me and starts saying something.

“Not right now, dude” I gasp.

But afterwards, I took my headphones off. He had so many questions.  Here’s the interview transcript:

Q: First of all, I’m sorry for before.

A: It’s okay.

Q: And I gotta say, you’re a tank!!

A: Thanks.

Q: Hey, what’s a good tricep exercise besides pushdowns?

A: Closegrip bench. [briefly demonstrates where to grasp the bar]

Q: Thanks. So how often do you work out?

A: Every day.

Q: So you work out every day for three hours?!

A: Closer to two. [thinking: wtf, kid?! – and yeah, i’m a loser]

[At this point I put my headphones on and do a set of floor press.  But the interview is not over.  The questioning resumes when I finish my set.]

Q: I see your bag [indicates assault pack] – are you in the Marine Corps?

A: I was in the Army.  I just have a lot of leftover gear.

Q: Cool.  So like, does your job require you to be massive?

A: No. I compete in powerlifting.  Actually I don’t want to gain more muscle because I have to stay in my weight class.

(listen, i know this is a fib – I mean I wouldn’t mind replacing some of my chub with lean muscle – but I’ve found it’s the best way to avoid the “how can I get bigger” line of questioning)

[Because Emma is deadlifting and lugged out the mats to do “rack pulls” and she’ll leave them out for me, I walk over to lift her 205 lb bar onto the mats.  This isn’t cherbing, it takes 5 seconds, and she did me a favor by making 2 trips to haul them out.]

Q: Is she a powerlifter?

A: Yes

Q: Are you guys like, uh…on a team?  Do you train together?

A: No.

Q: So you’re… just friends?

A: I’m friends with her boyfriend.

This concluded the interview.


I found it very funny – and pointed out to Emma – that she was wearing the exact same outfit as this hot teacher chick: neon blue boyshorts/booty pants, and a black tank top.  Have to say the teacher wore it better (though did not say this out loud): Emma has kind of a big booty, esp since she gave up trying to make the 132 lb weight class, and decided to go 148.  OTOH, she can squat 185? 225? and the teacher chick uses 95×6 and doesn’t go quite to parallel.  Guess it depends what you’re into.  Also, Emma has tattooes over 90% of her body, including the fronts of her thighs and on her knuckles.


Weight: 190.4 (-2.2) back on track

Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 135×4, 225×3, 315×3, 355×3, 380×2, 400×2, 410, 420, 430, 440, 450

Frustrating since 440 was so easy and fast.  Been pointing my toes out more and it is really helping.  Except not on 450.

Manta Ray Squat: 315x6x2

Floor Press: 45×10, 95×6, 145×4, 195×3, 235×3, 275×2, 295×2, 310×2, 320, 330, 340; 295x3x3

Wanted to bench today, but there was no fucking way in that zoo.

Sumo Deadlift: 6 sets, up to 425 off 1.5″ deficit.  was pretty pleased with these

Time: 2:00

Rhodiola Rage

Came in the mail today.  Got the NOW brand.  Celica, did i waste my money?  Do I need a satchel of the freshly harvested powder.  Should I be snorting it or making tea?  Popped a pill prior to workout.  Had a pretty good workout.  Clearly the two are connected.  Then when I got home, I suddenly realized how to turn the “Check Engine” light off in my car.  Also, haven’t been able to stop listening to anime music since I got home.  Weird…


Cherb’d Andy’s gf again today.  She was doing rack pulls again.  This time I suggested to do them off a bunch of mats (it’s better – also – I was using the rack).  It’s hard to roll the bar up on more than 4 mats per side (2″).  She was using 12 (6″).  OTOH she was pulling 195, so I just picked it up and set it on top of the mats.  Semi-related: Andy pulled 475×3 for speed deadlifts yesterday.  When she was done, I started deadlifting and using the mats.  She began to bring the extra mats back to the room where they came from.  She had to make two trips.  I hurriedly finished using 2 of the mats while she was walking away and threw them on top of her pile, so that she’d have to put them away and not me.  Guess it makes up for cherbing a little.


Had to go to the gym during prime time today.  As meet approaches, I give less of a fuck about who else wants to use the rack, and keep my headphones on and try to avoid eye contact.  After some nerds finished rack benching 205, I swooped in.


Madcow is making decent progress.  He has the misfortune to weigh 177, but today he did front squats 225×5?, military press 135×5?, deadlifts 380×5.  I mean, he’s gonna total 1050?  1100? at 181, but he hasn’t even been lifting that long.


Future State Champ and his gf were giving me the eye while I was squatting but then the half rack opened up and they didn’t take it so whatever.  He did cable rows and chinups with her.  Every time I see this nerd he’s doing cable rows and giving me the eye.  I need to stare at his girlfriend more.  Maybe that’s why he’s giving me the eye.  Today he came up to me and said, “Andy says that I should squat with the bar lower on my back.  Do you have any tips for me about that?”

I showed him where the bar should go on a low bar squat, then said, “your rear delts, not your traps”  and told him “google low-bar squat and watch videos”  Wasted 30 seconds.  Have no time for this shit.  What I was thinking was:

1. Just move the bar lower on your back and try it, you fucking nerd.

2. Why don’t you ask Andy instead of bothering me about it?

3. I hope you go 181 instead of cutting 5 lbs.  I’m going to rip your torso from your lower half then ravish your woman.

I blame the Rhodiola for my aggression.


Weight: 189.2 I’m slender.

Manta Ray Squat: 45×4, 135×4, 225×2, 275, 315, 335, 350, 365, 380, 390; 380x7x1

Partial Squat #11: 405, 445, 485, 510, 535, 555

Will try again tomorrow.

TSV: 380×12 (will explain to fatman later)

Floor Press: 45×10, 95×4, 135×3, 175×2, 215×2, 255, 295, 315, 325, 335, 340; 285×3,3,4

Sumo+monster

3.5″: 135nbx3, 135

3″: 205

2.5″: 275

2″: 305

1.5″: 325

0″: 345

-0.5″: 355

-1″: 365

Time: 2:20