Chainsaw chess

I’ve lost at chess to Rex three nights running. We play with a 6+3 timer and the games always go like this:

1. Opening – I develop my pieces in a textbook manner and control the center of the board. Rex moves pieces aimlessly, moving the same ones multiple times while leaving others blocked in.

2. Midgame – Rex is so excited about capturing my pawn that he doesn’t notice that he’s left his piece unguarded. Repeat.

3. Endgame – he’s down to two worthless pawns and I’ve got like two rooks, a bishop and a knight to chase his king around with. Then i run out of time.

—–

I was gonna buy a chainsaw and various safety regalia and cut the tree that fell in our front yard. But the saw i wanted went up in price while it was in my Amazon shopping cart, and while Karena and i deliberated (and i bought a new​ axe and fooled around with it) my father-in-law returned from out of town.

Even though he has a chainsaw, Karena didn’t want to ask him to cut the tree because he would be unsafe with it and possibly overwork himself. I didn’t want to ask him to cut the tree because i didn’t think it was fair. After all it was my tree and i should be given a chance to buy my own chainsaw and be unsafe with it.

But when they stopped by on their way home, he saw (pun) the tree

MIL (to Karena): your dad is very excited to get to use his chainsaw.

According to somecowboyguy and the entire internet, when you use a chainsaw you should wear eye and hearing protection, gloves, chaps, and workboots.

But you can’t really advise another man (particularly an older more experienced one particularly your own father-in-law) about safety.   I did offer him some protective items which he politely spurned.

Some of his other practices seemed unorthodox.  For example I witnessed him leave the chainsaw running, embedded in the tree trunk, while he stood on a log that was wedged underneath the trunk – and bounced up and down.

I thought back to my Army training:  I could make a tourniquet out of my shirt and one of the many sticks available, but I hoped that it would not come to this as I have seen many unpleasant sights of gore.

While he chainsawed, i lugged pieces of tree to the road. Ironically (and thankfully) the only injury was to me: I got an ugly bruise on my thigh because one of the hunks of trunk (rhymes) had a two inch twig sticking out of it.

Father-in-law (as I lifted a 3 foot x 2 foot diameter log): You should get the wheelbarrow.

Me (trying not to grunt while I spoke): nah, it’s all good.

Immediately after I moved that piece I went and got the wheelbarrow.  No shame in it.

Eventually he got tired and decided to come back the next morning to finish up.  I knew that he would leave the trunk in like 4 foot sections if he didn’t have to help me move it to the road and this is what happened.

But fortunately I had a manly plan:  I would split the wood into smaller pieces.  After all I had split wood a few times under my father’s supervision about twenty years ago.  And as I frequently remind blog readers and anyone who will listen in RL, I am descended from 5 generations of lumberjacks (sort of: my dad only did it as a summer job – it’s the main reason he decided to go to college).

Honestly I do like hitting things with axes and sledgehammers and etc. I have daydreams of playing High Striker and winning gargantuan stuffed animals for hot girl in skimpy sundress or short shorts then idk some villain tries to steal it but I for some reason still have the sledgehammer… then maybe the Ferris wheel gets stuck and if there was only someone strong enough to lift this axe they could chop it down and i guess catch the children as they tumbled out…

Karena: YOU JUST WANT TO USE YOUR NEW AXE.

Me: …

Karena: MY DAD BROUGHT OVER A DOLLY YOU COULD TRY PUTTING EACH 200 POUND PIECE OF WOOD ON THAT AND SLOWLY DRAGGING IT TO THE ROAD, STOOPED OVER LIKE A COAL MINER WHILE WE LAUGH AT YOU WHEN IT FALLS OFF THE DOLLY AND IT TAKES ALL AFTERNOON.  (not verbatim)

Me: Why don’t you stand farther back sometimes pieces of wood or the axe goes flying

IMG_20170507_091125

Just getting started.

Rex: Wow dad you did that one in one hit.

Me: stop standing around and pick up those sticks like I asked you to (looks around to see if Karena was watching my prowess)

Anyway my plan worked.  I hacked the tree into splinters in about ten minutes and I was tossing them into the wheelbarrow & feeling pretty good but then I realized that I was just a parody of my manly forefathers – splitting wood to throw away.  Also I have a field that I don’t grow anything on.  The one thing I do cultivate in abundance (grass) is a weed.  Well at least kids sometimes play in the yard but they spend most of their outdoors time in the driveway riding bikes and bouncing frisbees.

IMG_20170507_181857

Dismantled tree.

But then two guys came along in a beat-up pickup truck and asked if they could take the wood.  They were grateful that I had already split most of it.  I was grateful that i didn’t have to haul any more to the curb and that my task had some sort of meaning.

Karena (overheard on phone with her dad): YEAH I DON’T KNOW IF THE AXE WAS REALLY GOOD OR COACH IS JUST SUPER STRONG BUT HE DID IT…

i feel boastful typing that in but it is verbatim

IMG_20170507_102736

back to pink paper I guess

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4 thoughts on “Chainsaw chess

  1. You should run a wood-splitting workshop for dissatisfied professionals to reconnect with their heritage of menial yet masculine tasks.

    Then at the end, they brand the wood with hot iron, writing their insecurities on it. And then it’s all tossed into a communal bonfire. You could then serve whiskey to liberate their repressed homosensual urges.

  2. What would happen to the wood if the guys in the truck didn’t take it?
    You can never tell someone else to put on safety gear. Glad you FIL didn’t fuck his shit up.

    • The town/county would take it as they took the branches. Would it get burned or dumped in landfill I do not know.
      I thought a lot about the safety gear thing (prior to your comment) and there are only two exceptions I could think of (not counting employee/parent/sergeant) One is a fatalistic or idiotic comrade whose death or injury could result in you getting killed. Like this genius I know who decided to save weight in his body armor by using a child-sized ceramic plate even though he was like 6’3 250. We are all looking forward to having to carry you to safety thank you for saving us 3 lbs.
      The other is buddy ignorance.
      Me: this concrete chainsaw is really cool!
      You: listen coach i’m not cutting any more unless you put your safety goggles on

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