So i went out to hack some of the limbs off the downed tree. But i forgot that late great uncle’s axe was broken. I guess i should have remembered since i have two axe handles and use them all the time (one became a Weaver stick & the other an ant hill poker)
Anyway i bought the Lamborghini of axes, the Fiskars X27.
I have been really pleased with their sledgehammer (based on the three times i smashed concrete & the fifty times i got a sick forearm pump in my garage with it). Fiskars is a Finnish company that makes awesome orange/black tools. So basically Finland = unmotorized Sweden.
Btw you save a lot of money getting the Lamborghini of things like axes or staplers rather than of cars (or computers). I have an eight dollar stapler that uses special staples. Karena mocked me but i got the last laugh as her two dollar stapler broke and she had to buy another two dollar one and not to mention has to come to me every time she needs to staple forty sheets of paper together. Hmmm…
Anyway, I came home from Lowe’s full of fantasies of my new vorpal sword of axes knocking limbs off this tree with one hit. I am after all the descendant of five generations of lumberjacks. Each stroke into the trunk of the tree would make an explosion of sawdust and wood chips temporarily obscuring me from the admiring views of Karena and the children (watching from a safe distance).
Karena: HOW MUCH DID THAT AXE COST
Me: did you know that Fiskars makes scissors
But i couldn’t go outside right away due to having promised to play doh with Quincy. While she monopolized the sundae making tools yet again, i read about my purchase on the internet and started to get second thoughts.
First of all, reviewers claim the axe is for “taller than average people.” I countered that in my mind by pretending that being stronger than average would make up for it (even though it doesn’t in optimal baseball bat length, pants inseams, or being attractive to women but shut up). Second, it’s a splitting axe and not a chopping axe so it’s meant to cut with the grain of the wood. I countered that by being reassured that the axe looked awesome and was practically as heavy as a sledgehammer so it would destroy any tree and not care which way it was facing.
Snicker-snack. Ok a) nerd and b) that obviously took more than one hit but for once reality was pretty close to my dreams.
Edit for clarity: i rate this axe 10/10 and have not even used it for its intended purpose of splitting wood. i would take this axe with me into an axe fight (it is my only available axe but still) now that i have this axe i will undoubtedly find other things around the yard that need hewing, chopping, splitting, cutting down, or merely brandishing an axe and glowering at. If I could think of a way to exercise with this axe safely I would (it has a cool little cover but nah…) i’ll still store it in the garage where I lift for gazing upon and raising testosterone. When I wield this axe i may look like Gimli the dwarf but I feel like Paul Bunyan.
Coach Jr is allowed to color with Quincy because he doesn’t know enough to take the tops off the markers. Poor Kent Goom.