fifty dollar axe

So i went out to hack some of the limbs off the downed tree. But i forgot that late great uncle’s axe was broken. I guess i should have remembered since i have two axe handles and use them all the time (one became a Weaver stick & the other an ant hill poker)

Anyway i bought the Lamborghini of axes, the Fiskars X27.

I have been really pleased with their sledgehammer (based on the three times​ i smashed concrete & the fifty times i got a sick forearm pump in my garage with it). Fiskars is a Finnish company that makes awesome orange/black tools. So basically Finland = unmotorized Sweden.

Btw you save a lot of money getting the Lamborghini of things like axes or staplers rather than of cars (or computers). I have an eight dollar stapler that uses special staples.  Karena mocked me but i got the last laugh as her two dollar stapler broke and she had to buy another two dollar one and not to mention has to come to me every time she needs to staple forty sheets of paper together. Hmmm…

Anyway, I came home from Lowe’s full of fantasies of my new vorpal sword of axes knocking limbs off this tree with one hit. I am after all the descendant of five generations of lumberjacks. Each stroke into the trunk of the tree would make an explosion of sawdust and wood chips temporarily obscuring me from the admiring views of Karena and the children (watching from a safe distance).


Me: did you know that Fiskars makes scissors

But i couldn’t go outside right away due to having promised to play doh with Quincy. While she monopolized the sundae making tools yet again, i read about my purchase on the internet and started to get second thoughts.

First of all, reviewers claim the axe is for “taller than average people.” I countered that in my mind by pretending that being stronger than average would make up for it (even though it doesn’t in optimal baseball bat length, pants inseams, or being attractive to women but shut up).  Second, it’s a splitting axe and not a chopping axe so it’s meant to cut with the grain of the wood.  I countered that by being reassured that the axe looked awesome and was practically as heavy as a sledgehammer so it would destroy any tree and not care which way it was facing.


Snicker-snack.  Ok a) nerd and b) that obviously took more than one hit but for once reality was pretty close to my dreams.

Edit for clarity: i rate this axe 10/10 and have not even used it for its intended purpose of splitting wood. i would take this axe with me into an axe fight (it is my only available axe but still)  now that i have this axe i will undoubtedly find other things around the yard that need hewing, chopping, splitting, cutting down, or merely brandishing an axe and glowering at.  If I could think of a way to exercise with this axe safely I would (it has a cool little cover but nah…) i’ll still store it in the garage where I lift for gazing upon and raising testosterone. When I wield this axe i may look like Gimli the dwarf but I feel like Paul Bunyan.

Coach Jr is allowed to color with Quincy because he doesn’t know enough to take the tops off the markers. Poor Kent Goom.



11 thoughts on “fifty dollar axe

    • speaking of armies and henchmen, i asked Rex to use the pushbroom to sweep the little sticks and leaves off the driveway after the carnage was complete (or as complete as i had time for today). He worked for an hour (this was IMO a 3 minute job for an adult, 10 for a sluggish child) and apparently accomplished nothing – as I had to take him to JJ and ran over numerous pieces of bullshit.
      Karena said no dinner until he was done so when we got back he worked another hour at it. She witnessed him both dancing around waving broom in air and also for some reason taking it apart. Anyway he did allegedy finish but it’s dark so who knows.

      conscript work ethic scale:
      Privates on extra duty > fraternity pledges > Rex > the convicts who clean up the roadsides around here.

      • i get sidetracked sometimes in predictable ways. i know that i’m supposed to be researching budget chainsaws but I now start looking at professional ones, then concrete chainsaws. I’m slightly more disciplined now but several years ago i would have continued my search up to idk vehicle mounted chainsaws and atomic howitzers. But I figured i could save time by just asking you to tell me cool stories.


    This is the coolest saw I’ve ever seen. They removed and replaced some high tension powerline towers in my neighborhood a few years ago. They would saw pieces of the tower apart (while it was standing) and once they had a section free a crane would left it up and put it on the ground. Guys were strapped to the scaffolding, hanging by harnesses, sparks flying everywhere. What an awesome yet miserable fucking job

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