Santa Clarita Diet

So watched every episode of Rex & Morty with Karena.  She likes TV.  I like books.  Not judging.  Different strokes. (If you pronounce ‘strokes’ wrong, the last four sentences are a poem.)  When we find a show we both like (Archer) it’s probably as rewarding to her as when I recommend a book to her and she actually reads it (How to Get Control of Your Time and Life).  Maybe more so, because we’ll actually watch a show together, but holy shit can you imagine sitting there and reading a book simultaneously with a loved one over the age of 8?

Anyway now she’s hoping to duplicate this experience of us being awake & alone in a room together and me not talking, eating or trying to touch her…

Me (being polite): Is this your new show looks great good night.

Karena: WAIT WATCH A LITTLE BIT I THINK YOU’LL LIKE IT.

I instantly hated Santa Clarita Diet.  First of all, it has Drew Barrymore in it.

Karena: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. DREW BARRYMORE IS PRETTY.

Drew Barrymore is pretty like a female relative is pretty – like I wouldn’t describe her as “my ugly cousin.”  But no male has ever seen Drew Barrymore in a movie and afterwards pleasured himself to, or fantasized that his next sexual partner was actually, Drew Barrymore.  (If someone mentions ET in the comments i’m forwarding your IP to the FBI 🙂  Also she has a beer gut.

The premise of the show is that a frigid, uptight, bitchy woman contracts a mysterious sickness that makes her normal.  Oh sorry, I read the promotional blurbs wrong.  A normal woman contracts a mysterious sickness that makes her fun, easy-going, and sexually adventurous.

Joel (Timothy Olyphant) is her husband. He’s a normal guy who men will quickly identify with if they are castrated self-effacing metrosexuals.

They live between two cops who are supposed to be zany supporting actors.  The white one has some paranoia/stalking issues, but the vast majority of American males either act like – or aspire to be like – one of the cops, and not the supposed “everyman” male lead.

There’s an early scene where the Olyphant-Barrymores, the cops, and everyone’s families all leave for work/school at the exact same time in a lazily-written way to introduce a bunch of characters quickly wacky, hilarious introduction to the neighborhood.  Everybody says something revealing about their character’s career and family.  I’ll spare you the garbage dialogue and instead give you the subtext that men actually hear.

White Cop: I am a tough meathead with military bearing.  I work for the LA Sheriffs Department.  This is a tough job and I overidentify with my job but that’s ok because it’s dangerous and allegedly action-packed.  Also I’m tough.

Joel: I do the same job as my wife.

White Cop’s Wife: I’m a slut.  You can tell because I’m slender and blonde and attractive.  (going to check with Karena I’m betting it’s revealed in later episodes that her macho husband has a problem with his “pistol”) In case you weren’t sure, I’ll tell the teenage neighbor girl in front of the entire neighborhood that my son beats off to her (even though he’s in the car and she’s dumpy) Tee Hee!

Joel: I know this sounds like something TC Luoma would say and of course this is the 21st century so there’s no need for this type of alpha-male posturing but I’d like to point out that I don’t look like I could protect my wife or my daughter from any type of physical threat.

Black Cop: I don’t overidentify with my job which does not define me in terms of coolness or masculinity – I’m black, dress stylishly, and have a sexy Asian wife who is not noticeably insane like yours.  Notice that she has a baby carriage (we recently had sex and/or adopted a child either way I’m clearly virile) and I don’t need to prove my toughness by working at a dangerous job.  (Roars off on fast motorcycle & does wheelie – I’m not making this up)

Others Leave.

Joel: Can you believe the misfortune but incipient comedic gold of having to live between two cops?


wt: 165.6

t/h: 40/60%

Honestly if there’s anything more boring to read about than the things i lifted or my opinion of tv shows i watched part of – it would be things i chewed. But too bad because yesterday was extremely pleasing because it was the first time i was able to hit all my nutritional goals and stay under the 2300 calories or so i was allotted. Please hold your applause until all the awards have been presented.

Fiber: 57 g

Calcium: >100% RDA

Protein: 150 g

Potassium: about 4200 mg

Sodium: ??? – but below RDA. Almost all my sodium comes from canned beans but I rinse and drain them so that reduces the sodium by 30-40%. Even if I *had* drank two cans worth of salty bean water I would have been only 300 mg over.

CGB: 270,275,280,285 x 2

HBPS: 285,295,305,315 x 1

BTN: 160,161 x 1; 95 x 8; 96 x 4

SGDL: 325,345,355 x 2

SH: 2:05 to a skeptic this would look like i’m standing there doing what are effectively bicep curls with a $50 sledgehammer while listening to music but the truth is – this is the definition of optimal.

Time: 1:14

 

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11 thoughts on “Santa Clarita Diet

    • Could not disagree more. We are living in the first ever human era in which TV is not 100% trash. Check your “I’m too young to remember TV from the 1980s/1990s” privilege.

      “He’s a normal guy who men will quickly identify with if they are castrated self-effacing metrosexuals.”

      I read a blurb about the show and thought it was supposed to be about a generic American suburban couple and something to do with cannibalism? I guess I understood that 50% correctly.

      • Spoiler alert.

        She’s a zombie.

        Also apparently necrophilia is cool to joke about and base a show around. And there’s no moral outrage even though this is a paraphilia that’s universally repulsive to every culture and era.

        But imagine the outcry if instead of becoming undead she became fifteen

        • “And there’s no moral outrage even though this is a paraphilia that’s universally repulsive to every culture and era.”

          Hey, I still have to see the show in order to judge it. No spoilers.

          Also Drew Barrymore was hot ca. 20 years ago, you apostate. Don’t pretend you never saw those movies. Points docked for feigned jadedness.

          • This is what I’m thinking twenty years ago:
            Drew Barrymore is the Charlies angel that’s the least sexy. Scream is a good movie but it was not made better by Drew Barrymore. Drew Barrymore is the kind of chick Adam Sandler apparently could pull in serious movies (he got hotter chicks in comedies)

  1. I was considering watching this so thank you for saving me the time.

    I would recommend Travelers. It starts off kind of just ok but hooked me in pretty good after a couple episodes. It’s sci-fi time travel sort of nonsense.

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