Trim your nasty bush

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Old photo from before I had a beard.


So my ranking of outdoor chores in the order I enjoy them looks something like this:

1. Kill wasps
2. Kill ants
3. Kill weeds in driveway by spraying poison on them
4. Ride Swedish steed (mow lawn)

423. Weed wack long ditch at edge of property that is full of trash people throw out of their cars.

781. Pick up suspicious dead animals with shovel and fling them into woods.

2127. Trim hedges.

Believe it or not I actually like doing most yard chores.

Me: I’m going to mow the lawn.

Karena: AGAIN?

We have three varieties of bushes in front of our house.  Two are completely inoffensive.  There’s a few soft piney ones that stand apart from the others, and a scraggly fragile kind.  Neither variety grows very much, and if they could talk they would say something like:

Piney bush: Please sir, it’s been a year and I’ve become a bit unkempt, would you mind trimming me slightly?  But if you don’t, no one will notice and you can probably just circle the mower really close and break any wayward twigs with your hands.

Scraggly bushes: We once had flowers.

But the other type of bush, the one that unfortunately  predominates in the front of my house, is a species known as “Devil Razor Hedge.”  It is the pit bull of shrubbery and no doubt was sold to my late great-uncle-in-law as part of a home security system.

Karena: DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE HEDGES

Me: They can probably go a few more months.

Karena: QUINCY IS VERY UPSET BECAUSE SHE CAN’T SEE OUT THE WINDOWS ANYMORE

This hedge grows right up against the wall of the house on one side with only a narrow path to walk through – a path which the hedge is determined to obliterate, forcing me to use the hedge trimmer like a machete just to get back there.  On the other side is a shorter row of the scruffy flowering types which the razor hedge is also trying to overpower.

Karena: MY DAD SAID HE’S COMING OVER

Me: Oh, to play with the kids?

Karena: NO I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO TRIM THE HEDGES AND HE SAID HE’D DO IT*

* I don’t even know if either/both of them were bluffing but it got me out there in a hurry bc shaaaaaame

I have a corded hedge trimmer & need like a 200 foot extension cord so you can imagine the antics of untangling/pulling the thing out of the socket repeatedly/getting it caught in the shrubbery etc and etc.  All while 102 degrees F.

Also because I’m short, I have a hard time reaching** the top of the hedge.  I have to trim it from both sides.  On one side I have to lean way over the stupid victim bushes in front.  On the other I just have to lean into the thing and hold the hedge trimmer overhead with both hands and swing blindly in big arcs while my hands go numb trying to keep the damn safety grip depressed so the trimmer doesn’t turn off.  Also you really have to saw at this thing.

** If you’re gonna say “use a ladder” in the comments first of all read the preceding paragraph about tangling cords and imagine the hilarity when I add a ladder into that mix; also this hedge is like a hundred yards long I’m not moving a ladder 60 times; also I’m lazy.

If these bushes could talk they would say something like:

Razor hedge: HEY HERE COMES THAT LITTLE GUY WHO IS TRYING TO STOP US FROM GROWING INTO THE SIDE OF HIS HOUSE. LET’S STAB HIM IN THE ARMPIT AND RUIN HIS SHIRT.

Other part of razor hedge: HAHA. YES I HAVE BEEN GROWING ESPECIALLY TALL IN MY TOP CENTER FOR NO VALID BOTANICAL REASON OTHER THAN TO BE AN ASSH*LE.


Wt: 170.6

Temp: 68 F / 60% first temperature/humidity in months that a real gym would keep anything besides their sauna. Not bragging it actually felt kind of cold and sh*tty.

Bench: 230,235,240,245,250,255 x 3; 260,265,270 x 2

Manta Ray Squat: 260,265,270,275,280 x 2; 285,290 x 1

Mil Press: 145,147.5,150 x 2

SGDL: 260,265,270 x 2

Horizontal Pullups: 11

Spent some time fooling around with a sledgehammer (that I bought bc FIL broke ours, and yes i plan to do some actual work with it of course dear but i keep it in the gym and not the shed so that is telling) doing levers with my hand like one inch from the business end, and doing 1 arm barbell shrugs because I read about them in T-Nation and I like training traps (see above pic) but am too lazy to load up a barbell with idk the massive 225 or 315 I would need IOT use 2 hands.

Time (including warmups and foolishness): 1:24

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8 thoughts on “Trim your nasty bush

  1. I’ve thought about starting a blueberry farm like my ancestors. Karena thinks this would be a good idea too because it would cause me a lot of stress and cost a lot of money. No I’m just kidding yea we may start small and just buy one or two fruit bushes. Neighbor has pear tree but no one in my family eats pears at least the mower seems to handle them well and occasionally I get to see rabbits and deer.
    I’ve also thought about IDK destroying the hedge probably surreptitiously spilling a gallon of GroundClear in the area but I guess they do serve some sort of basic security function like concertina wire. No that’s ridiculous I mean I guess against zombies who would take the shortest path directly into side of the house. They would (re)die. I’ve had some run-ins with barbed wire in the army and this bush is worse.
    Anyway does give me thought for post about the leftover artifacts from Karena’s great-aunt and uncle (who were very nice and interesting people + like community pillars) and how gradually we’re replacing them either by design or accident. Slowly removing their presence from this material world 😦

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