D-Day

My son Rex quit jiu-jitsu.  This made me sad.  It took some time to come up with an alternate sport/fitness activity that met the family’s criteria.

Rex’s criteria: It should be easy and not boring.

Rex’s suggestions: Tossing a ball with his 3 year-old sister.  Tossing a ball at his 10 month-old brother.  Going to the pool.  Playing any sport where practices begin May 2017 or later.

My criteria: It should be jiu-jitsu. If it’s not jiu-jitsu it should be something that is free, strenuous, requires no transportation, won’t embarrass him bc lack of motor skills, and is awful enough to punish him for quitting jiu-jitsu.

My suggestions: Jiu-jitsu.  Pushups.

Karena’s criteria: Anything I can’t lift weights during because she’s evil.

Karena: THERE’S A SOCCER LEAGUE FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AWAY. SIGNUPS ARE OVER, BUT IF WE VOLUNTEER, AND AGREE TO PAY A LATE FEE, THEY’LL…

We eventually settled on running.  Rex runs around our property (probably 0.25 miles per lap) for an increasing amount of time each day.  He started with 10 minutes.  We monitor him through the windows to see that he’s not walking.  I haven’t caught him yet but he does sometimes take a long time to get around windowless portions of the house.  If this happens, I’ll open the door and shout encouraging words to him.  Then I’ll quickly close it before any of the heat or character-building bugs get inside.

Rex: Dad, so I have to run a minute more each day…forever???

Me: Yes, in less than two months you’ll be running an hour a day.  In a year – six hours.  There are 1440 minutes in a day, so in a few years you won’t even be able to stop running to sleep or eat or go to the bathroom, you’ll just run continuously.

Rex: …

Rex: Really?

So now I have to lift in my garage again.  I moved all of Karena and the kids’ crap out of the way.  I’ll get to the chalk dust/grime/dead bugs later.  It will give me something to do between sets.

Con: It’s routinely 90+ degrees Farenheit in the garage during the summer. It was once 104. (40 C)

Pro: I can tell everyone who will listen.

Pro: I’ll be training 7 days a week for an hour or more instead of 4-5x for 50 minutes.

Con: I’ll be training 7 days a week for an hour or more instead of 4-5x for 50 minutes.

Pro: I can train whenever I want.

Con: As long as it’s after 9 PM.

Pro: No annoying women exercising next to me, whipping me in the nuts with a jump rope while I’m trying to bench.

Con: No women wiggling their spandex-clad buttocks provocatively inches from my face as I dip down into a Romanian deadlift.

Make the last one a Pro.  I don’t know if it’s a gravitational field or they just liked it when when my sweat landed on them (mmm salty like pretzel…mmm pretzel) but only the really big chicks would cluster dangerously close to the rack

Con: Goodbye inspirational music in headphones. Hello baby monitor.

With no music to enliven my workout, I’ll turn to caffeine to energize.

Con: Hello going to bed at 3 AM still grinding my teeth.

Pro: Won’t have to deal with two year-old touching my gym bag or running behind me when I squat.

Con:  Will not be able to secretly make faces at him to make him cry.  Not that I would ever intentionally frighten a child.  Unless it was a safety issue.

Con: Because the roof of one of our sheds is partially collapsed I have to keep my lawnmower near the weight area (not too near I would not want anything to happen to it)

Pro: Can gaze proudly at lawnmower between sets, which will increase testosterone.

Con: Will have less amusing stories to tell on the blog.

Pro: I never post anyway.

 

 

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62 thoughts on “D-Day

  1. As a dad…sorry he quit. The upside is that maybe he’ll be a great runner. In our family, you have to do SOMETHING and nothing doesn’t qualify as something. Maybe we can just post our garage temps which will get us to post more.

  2. My son Rex quit jiu-jitsu. This made me sad.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about it. My parents did the responsible thing and put me in sports, and I spent games standing around with my thumb up my ass (or sparring bouts shuffling half-heartedly about and getting lightly hit, etc.) until I developed the cognitive capacity to have opinions, at which point I quit. Came back to sports later.

    Of course, I ended up on Brent Kim’s website after that, so I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have much control over the outcome, not that the outcome will necessarily be a good one.

    • “Came back to sports later.”

      I quit sports to start lifting. Doesn’t matter where you start at, we all get to Mope Town in the end.

      “If it’s not jiu-jitsu it should be something that is free, strenuous, requires no transportation, won’t embarrass him bc lack of motor skills, and is awful enough to punish him for quitting jiu-jitsu.”

      Um… powerlifting?

      • Karena suggested it but he showed no interest. I joke around but I wouldn’t really make a kid do an activity he wasn’t interested in unless it was crucial like reading or using a toilet or something.

        • Olympic lifting is more interesting and it’s a real sport. The IOC says so. He’s also young enough to start and actually be successful.

          Positive:
          Wouldn’t need to transport him, have garage with weights
          Negative:
          Would need a thousand dollars on an aluminum training bar (maybe, nah probably…) and fancy rubber plates. Well, maybe just buy him 5 and 10kg bumpers for now.
          Positive:
          Is a real sport
          Negative:
          USAW is not a real governing body
          Negative:
          USADA will make it so he needs to retire for 3 years and train in South Korea and Iran and come back and unretire and lift American records in the training hall at nationals and just pretend nothing went on.

          Anyway, it’d be fun. Oh, in other news, Ilya is probably gonna get popped, along with everyone 😦
          https://barbend.com/weightlifter-vladimir-sedov-goes-full-heel-turns-kazakh-nationals-wwe/ Pretty interesting.

          • Oly lifting requires at least some motor skills.

            “Oh, in other news, Ilya is probably gonna get popped, along with everyone”

            Wait, is potassium now a banned substance?

  3. I was wondering if by not commenting on your posts you would post more. Like somehow my presence here made you not want to post. Doesn’t seem to be working. This was my favorite post of all time I think. Very funny.
    Rad is here with his thickly muscled dick and Dodge Viper so that’s cool.
    I did 10000 kettle bell swings in one month. Yes it was as retarded as you can imagine. Maybe even more so. Back to lifting again. I look more jacked than ever and lift less weights than ever. I guess that’s progress.

  4. Getting it cut out in two weeks, which is pretty decent turnaround time. Hopefully the stitches don’t mess with the stair climbing thing I’m planning on doing; it’s not like the competition matters, but it’s something I enjoy and an excuse to go visit some old friends, so fingers crossed.

    I nearly got another sunburn at a pool party yesterday because a) pretty girls and b) I’m an idiot.

    Midway-between-Canada-and-Independence-Day MopeRadio is Perturbator – Sentient.
    Video is somewhat NSFW because nipples and blood.

    Take care, kids.

      • I don’t know what chicks dig. Went on a Tinder date last night with a girl; I thought we were getting along really well, but after the second round of beers I asked if she wanted to dance, and she declined, then asked if I wanted a ride home (I’m visiting my parents and staying at their place, so she knew that’d be it for the night).

        I’m doing something to convert romantic interest into friendship, and I really wish I knew what it was, but I can’t come up with any better ideas than reading pick-up artist bullshit. I would absolutely pay to take classes on romance and seduction if ethical, non-sleazy ones existed.

        • work is making me take a Dale Carnegie course, (I don’t know how my boss cant see that it was made by a salesman to sell to people). Anyway maybe i’ll will try to use to salesman my way into the sheets. /s

          sounds like your tinder date might just have been a bad one. Or maybe she just doesn’t dance

          the good thing about tinder is all the reps and volume you can get going on dates and stuff. but that’s about all that’s good about tinder. I deleted mine a while ago.

          • I read a Dale Carnegie book (win friends). It was kinda inspirational but most of the advice is common knowledge now (Learn people’s names! Listen to them!). Makes me wonder what customer service was like 80 years ago.

            Salesman: Buy this.
            Customer: Why?
            Salesman: Nevermind. Cya.

        • I read a lot of the PUA/seduction “literature” back in the day. I wouldn’t really call it unethical. There was some stuff that I wouldn’t do (magic tricks in a bar). I was skeptical of NLP (so you say “below me” a lot, and it sounds like “blow me” and this puts a subliminal message in her head and good luck with that, sir) so never bothered with that. A lot of it was getting u past the average guy who either A) HI CAN I BUY YOU A DRINK. or B) just dances up behind the girl and grinds on her. There was some good advice though, like don’t obsess over one chick who you can’t get. Or try hanging out in places where there actually are women. One thing I used that worked okay was “negs” which u of course had to be subtle with.
          Right: That’s an … uh…interesting shirt you’re wearing.
          Wrong: You’re an ugly fucking bitch.

          But what’s really unethical (discounting what’s illegal of course)? I guess lying and cheating. So if you’re single, as long as you don’t lie, you’re okay. But really, if you could lie to a girl and convince her you were a billionaire, or played in the NFL – I mean if that actually worked – I think we would all be unethical.

          men’s attractiveness to women:

          ((How much money she thinks you have now)*(how much money she thinks you will probably make in your whole life))+ ((your height)^2 + are you handsome + are you “in shape”)) + (alpha status)^2

          *alpha status is to her – so if you’re a Senator of course that counts, but it could also count if you were a bouncer at the strip club where she works, or if she’s really into chess and you are the president of the chess team

          then minus points if your personality is extraordinarily aberrant or u smell like old cheese or something

          tldr: be taller and make more money

          btw the female formula for attractiveness to men:

          (Is she hot)^2

          I guess you could subtract a few points if she’s like criminally insane, or tack a few on if she is super rich but let’s not get carried away here: If she’s hot enough, most guys would rather be with a girl with a machete – who is actively trying to kill them – than, say Oprah, (tons of money, power, and I’m sure, a wonderful “personality.”)

          • “Or try hanging out in places where there actually are women.”

            Astounding bit of wisdom. Kinda makes you wonder what kind of dude those pick-up manuals are written for.

            Didn’t realize Dale Carnegie seminars are still a thing in the 21st century. Maybe if you go to them chicks will think you’re so retro you’re cool?

            All the guys and a sizeable majority of girls I know who are on Tinder don’t really use it for “romantic interest” purposes. Mostly just to get laid. And by “mostly”, I mean “exclusively”.

          • “try hanging out in places where there actually are women”

            So, like, the East Coast? It’s kind of a sausage party out here.

            BRB making excuses for my own cowardice

          • I think for 90% of people regarding PUA/dating advice, they probably just got low T and need some drugs. srs. Other 10% I don’t know. But for me this seemed to be the missing piece to make talking to girls seem easy and make more girls smile at you and stuff. I think it’s just something they can sense somehow.

        • lolol I pretty much with the coach.
          I mean there is a lot of PUA that is pure piss.
          but most of it is like standard self help: work out, have hobbies, be interesting, don’t get hung up on one chick, actually talk to them, etc.

          I am an engineer and I work exclusively with engineers, I guess people have to got their feelings hurt here because of communication or something. that why this dale carnegie is happening.

          Tinder is for 2 things: Validation in the form of matches. and hooking up with strangers

    • Like real doctor diagnosed Lyme, or crazy person Morgellons Lyme? Because either way that fucking blows, dude.

      • Lyme disease treatment is going well. Antibiotics are working and I don’t feel nearly as tired but still feel very weak. One thing about doxycycline is it makes you sensitive to the sun. Good thing I’m at a beach house in NC on vacation with the family. Also good thing when vacation is over my job requires me to be outside all the time.

        • Hope you get better soon. This is why going outside is bad. I try to avoid it as often as possible. In the army they insisted we go outside which led to nothing but trouble.
          A good example is my dad who loves to go outside. Ticks are also super attracted to him. He’s had lyme disease twice. Once he talked us into going hiking with him and afterwards insisted that we check ourselves for ticks. He was the only one to have a tick despite wearing his socks over his pantlegs and possibly another pair of socks under his pantlegs. Then on the way home he and I stopped to look at some historical sign. Even though we were standing in like one inch tall grass he somehow got a tick on his forearm.

          • I didn’t inherit the hiking gene or (fortunately) the one that makes your skin taste delicious to ticks, but I love me some historical sign.

            Karena: WHY ARE WE STOPPING
            Me: Rex, wake up! The first house at this site was built by Winthrop Livingston IV in 1641. It burned down in 1662 but was rebuilt the following year and later converted to a church, after…

          • I’m done with antibiotics. They seemed to have worked. Doc said most ppl assume they have the flu and fuck themselves over by waiting for a week to get treatment. I feel relatively normal although my throat is always sore. I’ll take that over being a weak and tired little bitch though. The moral is, if you think you have Lyme get it checked out immediately. Usually if its treated early it’s not a huge deal. Waiting can really make things bad though.

  5. Jesus christ I came back with not particularly high hopes, but it just turns out everyone is ill. Perturbator seems good tho. And it sounds like you people caught your shit before it got too serious. And rad got a new shoulder?! In my mind 80% Tinder use is for personal validation/scams/trolls, 20% is used for dating, of which 3% leads to both parties enjoying themselves. I’ve never used Tinder.

    I finally hit 4plaet, but I’m also convinced some systemic illness will strike any day now and I won’t be able to go up a flight of stairs. I like the idea of a home gym, but I don’t think I could bring myself to use one exclusively, since it would severely limit my already limited exposure to humans. Also I’ve started benching again after a 7 month strike in protest of the shitty benches my gym bought.

    • Fatman’s got the right idea. Or just buy a flat bench and leave it there desu, they’re like $200 shipped and it’s not like it’s gonna break.

    • Yeah, congrats on the squat. Jizzstain Lazerdick would be proud. (Seriously, though, good work staying healthy enough to pull it off)

      Today was my first Tinder STD scare, though it’s probably HSV-1 that I was exposed to, which barely even counts as an STD, so *handmotions*. On the plus side, I’ve finally found a girl who sees me the way Bront did in that one blog post.

    • “Worried that lifters nowadays suck compared to the old-timers? That moping is the irreversible consequence of a secular trend of declining population testosterone levels and neoliberal anomie?”

      Nope, but the article was good! You have my sincere thanks for posting it.

      Hopefully “Will” sorted out his spinal issues before they wrecked his shit. Fusion sucked back in the 80s.

  6. Pingback: Bee Girl | Coach's Blog

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