So babies are pretty much all the same. They’re cute, they poop their pants, they are greedy for milk, and they don’t know anything. Oh I’m sure your kid is remarkable in one of those categories. He’s very unique! How interesting.
So I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m bragging, but Coach Jr. is an exceptional infant: No baby has ever spit up as much as he has. He sometimes spits up more than the amount he consumes. Sometimes he spits up hours after he’s last eaten.
Has to wear a cravat because exceptional.
For those of you who are like “you need to burp him!” or “try not feeding him so much” or any other common sense suggestion, STFU because a) we have two other kids b) we have the internet c) Coach Jr has four grandparents and three great-grandparents who are full of suggestions that don’t work either.
BTW my mother-in-law has kicked him out of her house twice
“KARENA YOU SHOULD BRING THE BABY OVER.”
[thirty minutes, six outfits, three soiled couch cushions, and four puddles of milk vomit on the floor later…]
“I THINK IT’S TIME THAT YOU TWO HEADED HOME”
Karena consulted various medical webpages. If the kid is 1) growing, 2) not in any discomfort, and 3) it’s not like black or red or pea soup colored; according to one of the webpages: “You don’t have a medical problem, you have a laundry and social problem.”
After the Veterans Day assembly we went to the steak buffet place because they had free lunch for veterans. (no steak btw at lunch buffet it’s fine it’s free)
During this lunch, Coach Jr. spat up:
- on my arm so that it got in my forearm hair.
- on Karena’s shirt
- on her mother’s scarf
- on her dad’s pants so it looked like he wet himself (he untucked his shirt to hide it)
When we were all done, Karena picked him up and said, “LET’S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE HE DOES IT AGAIN.” At that exact moment, he spewed a good volume directly onto the floor.
Karena’s mom added a dollar to the tip.