If Roosevelt was eight

I bought Axis and Allies 1941. In our first game, I was Germany* and Japan, Karena was the UK and the USSR, Rex was the US.

*Disclaimer:  This is dark humor about a serious subject.  Like this and this.  In real life, I have talked to my son about WWII in an age-appropriate manner.  When we played the game I did not act thoughtlessly and say things like “I’m Hitler” or “go Nazis”.  Come on now.


1933

Hitler (driving): We should have a world war. Are you interested in world war?
Roosevelt (in back seat): I dunno, tell me more.
Hitler: […] Blitzkrieg! […] amphibious assault! […] Conquer territory! […] Build more units! […] Well, what do you think? Does it sound interesting?
Roosevelt (reading Harry Potter book): What?


1934

Hitler: I’ve been thinking about starting a world war.
Churchill: I DON’T REALLY LIKE WAR.  THERE ARE SO MANY PIECES. AND COMPLICATED RULES. HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
Hitler:  I have wanted to have a war since I was thirteen. But nobody would fight with me.
Churchill: DO YOU THINK ROOSEVELT IS READY FOR IT?
Hitler: I asked him; he’s very excited.


1935 – Munitions arrive.

Hitler: Yes, yes! Look at all the tanks and the planes…
Roosevelt: Whoa… awesome!
Churchill: WE ARE GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH MY PARENTS TONIGHT SO WE’RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TIME TO GET STARTED..
Hitler: I’m just going to set things up so the war will be all ready.
Churchill: YOU’RE SUCH A NERD.


1936

Roosevelt: Why aren’t we starting the war tonight?
Hitler: Churchill is… not feeling well. (lying – actually angry at something Hitler said & sulking) Let’s, uh, play Minecraft instead.


1937 – War postponed so Churchill can have baby.


1938

Hitler (on phone): I’m going to bring the war to the hospital.
Roosevelt (overhearing): Can we really?
Churchill (on phone): YOU’RE KIDDING RIGHT?
Hitler: …Yes?

[After the call ends]

Roosevelt: Are we bringing it?
Hitler: No.  But I promise we will still have time to do fun things after the baby comes…(long heartfelt speech)
Roosevelt: So can we play Minecraft now?
Hitler: No. I have to install the new car seat.  Come on, let’s get this place cleaned up before Churchill gets home.  And why are you still in your pajamas?

 


1939

Hitler (wistfully): We don’t have to have a war if you don’t feel up to it. I’ve already waited twenty five years. Another year or two, when Roosevelt is older, maybe.

 


1940

Churchill (sighing): ALL RIGHT LETS GET THIS OVER WITH.
Hitler: 😁
Churchill: I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS ALL SET UP
Roosevelt (flying fighter plane around wildly): Whee!
Churchill: STOP THAT!
Hitler: I thought it would be better to have everyone set up their own armies so they can learn what the units are and where the territories are.
Churchill: IS THIS A DESTROYER?
Hitler: No that’s a battleship.
Roosevelt: Where is Europe?
Hitler: Why are you putting things in Europe?
Roosevelt: To help the UK get ready.
Churchill: NO! FOCUS ON YOUR OWN COUNTRY!

Hitler: Since we don’t have enough time to get started right now, I’ll just explain the rules of war.
Churchill: SIGH.
Hitler: So the teams are…
Roosevelt (flying aircraft carrier wildly): Whee!
Churchill: STOP THAT!  PAY ATTENTION!
Roosevelt: I already know the teams.
Hitler: Then what are they?
Roosevelt: I’m the US! And I’m with Germany and Japan.
Hitler: No! You are on Churchill’s side. With Russia.
Roosevelt: Why can’t I be on your side?
Churchill (to Roosevelt): WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO TEAM UP AGAINST ME?


1941 – The USSR drives the Wehrmacht out of western Russia. But Germany counter-counter attacks and is soon within sight of the Kremlin.  Barbarossa is a lot easier on a small flat board, in a 70 degree room, with plastic tanks that don’t run out of gas.  Which is probably how the operation was planned in RL, and why it looked like such a good idea at the time. Churchill complains about how long the war is taking. Japan invades Siberia, attempting the unrealistic “Reverse Napoleon”.  The US-backed troops seize coastal China.  Various battles in the Atlantic between UK and Germany.

Churchill: WHAT DO YOU MEAN A SUB CAN’T HIT A FIGHTER?
Hitler: This is 1941.  What do you think – it has surface-to-air missiles?
Churchill: MY SUB HAS ROCKET BOOSTERS
Hitler: Don’t be dumb.


1942 – Germany wins the Battle of Moscow.  Japanese troops push forward, trying to take as much land as they can.  At least things go well for the Allies in Africa.  Monty beats Rommel without Patton’s help.  Two battles of the Midway.  Japan wins the first, the US the second.  Japan takes all of China.  The US sends aid to Western Europe.

Churchill: WAIT, WHAT’S THIS IN CANADA?
Hitler and Roosevelt: A tank.
Churchill: IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE?
Hitler and Roosevelt: Yes.
Churchill: GREAT, I WOULD HAVE MOVED IT IF I KNEW ABOUT IT.  I COULDN’T SEE IT BECAUSE I WAS HOLDING THE BABY OVER THE EDGE OF THE BOARD.


1943 – Germany seizes all former Soviet territory and annihilates remaining partisans.  (I like to picture Stalin, a guerilla again, dying IOT destroy the oil refinery he tried to burn down 41 years before.  I like to picture Stalin dying.) Sole Russian unit left is a sub near the Arctic Circle.  (I name it “Red October,” but nobody gets the joke, or cares). The RAF wins the Battle of Britain, wiping out not only the entire Luftwaffe, but all ground troops in Western Europe.  They concentrate their ground troops in the Middle East and India.  The Phillipines fall, and Japan sends more troops into Asia.  The US lands a small force of infantry and armor in desolate France.  Roosevelt has a tantrum about where he placed a destroyer in the Atlantic.  It was actually where he wanted it to be, and made no difference anyway.  Churchill and Hitler send him to bed early.


 

1944 – Germany conquers the Middle East and now controls approximately 60% of world oil reserves, however, their tiny black plastic tanks do not require fuel.  With the troops freed from the the Eastern Front, Germany wins the Battle of the Bulge.  (It didn’t help that the Allied strategy was to send one transport of troops over, then return home to pick up more) The UK drives a battleship into the Baltic Sea and sinks the Kriegsmarine.  The Japanese take India and the East Indies.  The US and UK begin assembling a new, larger invasion force off the East Coast of the America.

Hitler: All right, buddy, we’ll try to finish up tomorrow.  Time for bed.

Roosevelt: How can a destroyer hit a submarine?  I thought subs were underwater.

Hitler: Well, there were depth charges.  Actually, if a sub surfaced, even a merchant ship might be able to sink them, since…

Churchill: HE NEEDS TO GO TO BED.

Hitler: Wait, this is important!


 

1945 – Germany conquers Africa.  Newly built U-boats chase the British battleship out of the Baltic Sea.  Hawaii and Australia fall to the Japanese.  The Royal Navy is moved to the East Coast and the invasion force grows larger.  However, it never sets sail due to Allied wrangling, and fear of the Japanese fleet – which sails around Cape Horn and seizes Brazil.

Roosevelt: I could buy a bomber.  Or I could buy a fighter.  And then I would have money left over.  Or I could…

Churchill: IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT’S TOO LATE. JUST BUY SOMETHING AND GET IT OVER WITH.

WP_20150729_012


 

08 May 1945, 0300 GMT – Operation Sea Lion is launched.  While the newly rebuilt Luftwaffe attacks RAF airfields, German transports cross the channel, carrying Panzers, infantry, and one Japanese tank.  At 0304 GMT, the battle is over, and London falls.

Hitler: Good war.

(he shakes hands with Churchill.)

Churchill: FINALLY

Hitler: This can be like a practice war, if you want.  So we don’t have to count it.

Churchill: WE ALREADY AGREED TO THAT

Hitler: Fine.

Roosevelt (frantically leafing through documents): It’s not over yet!

Churchill: YES IT IS, HE CAPTURED TWO ALLIED CAPITALS.

Hitler: Actually, he’s right.  It’s not officially over until the UK and the US get a chance to recapture…

Churchill: …

Hitler (hurriedly): But since there’s nothing you can do by then… it’s time to go to bed.

Hitler and Roosevelt clean up the debris from the war.

Hitler: You know what you could have done…

Churchill: I AM SICK OF THIS WAR.  I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

[three minutes later]

Hitler: You should have bombed my fleet.

Churchill: I WAS GOING TO, BUT I WAS PLANNING ON…

[five minutes later]

Churchill: …AND THERE SHOULD BE A WAY FOR FIGHTERS AND BOMBERS TO SCRAMBLE IF ENEMY SHIPS PASS THROUGH A SEA ZONE…

Hitler: 😁

Churchill: GODDAMIT.


Post-war

Roosevelt: I want to have another war. But this time I want to be Germany.
Hitler: So you want Churchill to be Japan? And I’ll be the allies?
Roosevelt: No. I want to be on your team

Tojo: Excellent.  I’ll set things up so when you get home from school, we can start talking about our strategy.

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26 thoughts on “If Roosevelt was eight

  1. “Barbarossa is a lot easier on a small flat board, in a 70 degree room, with plastic tanks that don’t run out of gas. Which is probably how the operation was planned in RL, and why it looked like such a good idea at the time.”

    Only plausible explanation.

  2. Brilliant.

    Also, I’ve been too busy with Calculus and starting a Let’s Play channel with my friend to start “Is he died?” rumours.

        • The importance of winning Olympic gold medals is indoctrinated from an early age, the government keeps introducing new foreign species to combat the previous ones it has introduced, the government has undertaken a massive education and health program to combat VODAIS, and the populace has developed a mortal fear of the woods. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Celicaland Autonomous Region’s national animal is the Bobcat, which frolics freely in the nation’s many lush forests.

          mirin’ my country gains?

  3. Pingback: Spanish Nebraska | Coach's Blog

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