Spanked like a poisonous eagle


Me: That’s nice.


I’m pretty sure I would have remembered a conversation like that especially since I haven’t had a drink in like three weeks, and especially especially because I hate carnivals/fairs/etc.  Like Halloween, childrens’ birthday parties, and Aerosmith, they are on the list of “things that were awesome thirty years ago, but suck now”

Nothing like giving money hand over fist to carnies, looking at food I can’t eat, teenage girls I can’t touch, standing in the sun, crowds, being hectored to play various rigged games, children misbehaving, wife angry at something, and on top of that the whole thing is set up on either high grass or dirt so that in addition to being sweaty and angry, my socks are all dirty and my shoe has a rock in it.

So out to dinner at the Chinese buffet.  The carnival is behind the mall; we were going to meet my inlaws there after.  (they weren’t eating with us because they had chinese buffet for lunch; this doesn’t make sense to me, like how can you have too much of this chinese buffet, it’s the best restaurant i’ve ever been to, and it’s so cheap it’s actually more economical to eat all your meals there than to buy food and cook it.)

But as soon as we approached the carnival and its blaring music, it started raining at a pretty good rate.  So we went home, which is about a twenty minute drive.  This put me in a (secretly) cheerful mood, especially when, on the way home, it stopped raining.

When we got home, Rex noticed that the rain had stopped.

Rex: Can we go back to the carnival?

Me and Karena simultaneously: NO.

Rex: But it stopped raining!

Me: It actually was never raining, I was tricking you by sprinkling a water bottle on your head.

Although this was extremely implausible, and I didn’t even have a water bottle, Rex flew into a rage, charged me in the driveway and punched me in the forearm.

So I spanked him. (Fun fact: other synonyms for spanking in our house are “canning” and “tanning your hide” the latter is obviously not original but still funny to me)

Me: You [spank] will not [spank] hit people [spank]

I realize this is hypocritical but the government fines people for stealing and executes them for murdering so I guess I’m in good company.

Later that evening, after I’d read him part of his story (The Princess Bride – I’m so glad he is old enough for real books; i remember when his favorite book was “This Little Piggy” – he ate three copies of it) he was supposed to go up to bed, but he stalled, taking the stairs at a rate of approximately two per hour.  Actually this, like the evening story, is tradition.  Typically, I threaten to spank him, and feint towards the stairs, and he bolts for his room.

However, possibly because he’d already been canned once that night, he was feeling saucy, and accelerated only to a 4 stair/hour pace.  I didn’t really want to spank him again, so instead I cracked my knuckles and slowly started walking in his direction, announcing:

I am the world spanking champion!  I once spanked twenty guys at once…

Rex didn’t notice, but this sounded homoerotic and I didn’t know if Karena was listening, ready to tease me later, so I added:

…in a fight!  Also, I spanked a lion!  And once I even spanked an eagle – A POISONOUS EAGLE!

This got him moving, but I don’t know if it was the list of my fearsome spanking accomplishments that did it, or the fact that at this point I was coming at him at a pretty good clip.  Regardless, he ascended the rest of the stairs at a pace of 973598/hour, and dove into his room, slamming the door behind him.

The next morning:

Rex: Dad, I know you were lying – there’s no such thing as poisonous eagles.

Me: Well, if there were, I would spank them.  Now eat your breakfast.


15 thoughts on “Spanked like a poisonous eagle

    • Karena read some parenting thing that said that you shouldn’t count because it teaches the kids to not obey you unless you count. However this was like 6 years ago, when she still read parenting things.
      I followed this advice for about about 2 days. My parents were counters… and spankers.
      I urge you, instead of counting, to list imaginary animals which you’ve defeated.

      • #1 must be smarter than the old man because I overheard him telling #3 that he was a “12 hearted Liger” and “can’t die.” He was telling him this to get him to do something.

  1. Give your fathering about a C+ grade.

    However do not worry, even C+ father is better than no father at all, I know by experience. Do you take Rex along for your errands and into the liquor store with you on Saturday mornings? Do you play basketball with your friends and have him just sit in one place for an hour?

    • Nonsense, that was a solid A-.

      Chinese delivery is definitely cheaper than buying groceries and cooking. I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed this.

        • Well I was talking China buffet. It depends what you cook. 1) Pretty sure all-you-can-eat shrimp/frog legs/beef chunks/sushi etc. will run you more than 6.99. 2) Kids 3 and under eat free and 10 and under half price. This is the policy of the china buffet, but not the policy of the grocery store security guard.

        • Note that I wrote “cheaper than buying groceries”. Cooking roadkill and tree bark is obviously more cost effective than even the Chinese buffet.

    • i take Quincy to the liquor store but we only go about monthly. Rex has gone too. My mom used to take me to the liquor store. It was very boring and everything was breakable.
      Time spent sitting in one place watching Rex & Quincy play sports (counting dancing): currently about 5 hrs a week
      Time spent sitting in one place watching me play sports: parts of three powerlifting meets over 3 yrs and that one time he was punished and had to read books in the chair.

  2. I’m just impressed the kid has balls to charge you and throw a punch. Solid Dad job by the way, that kid may be a tough one on the teen years.

    • haha nah, he’s fearless towards me when he gets upset, but he is mostly gentle vs. other kids. There’s another dad I’m pals with and his kid is the opposite – he sends him to jj to get a handle on his anger. I send Rex there to try to get him to be more aggressive.

      But agree with your assessment about the teenage years. sigh.

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