At Walmarts (it’s plural in the South) with my 2 yr old daughter, and walking out with our cart. This greeter in her 50s or 60s is sitting on a bench near the door. There’s this old guy with white hair and a cane sitting next to her talking to her.
Greeter: Your receipt?
Me [pushing cart by her]: Yup, got it, thanks.
Greeter: YOU NEED TO SHOW ME YOUR RECEIPT, SIR!
Me: [continuing to walk out and ignore her]
Old Vigilante: HEY! HEY! STOP!
No one chased after me, as usual. Or maybe they did, they just moved very slowly. That’s right – I’m pretty brave when confronted by elderly quasi-security personnel. My wife and her family are impressed by my audacity. Like legit impressed, which, after some introspection, I’ve decided is the main reason I continue to do it; rather than some notion of consumer activism, a mistrust of authority, or a general surly nature.
Several years ago, in a mini-van with my wife, son, and inlaws…
Mother-in-law: What are you so giddy about?
Karena: WHEN THE GUY ASKED TO CHECK COACH’S RECEIPT, HE JUST SAID “No thank you, no thank you,” LIKE THEY WERE BEGGING FOR MONEY.
Father-in-law [amazed]: They didn’t stop you?
Me (blasé): Ahh, I never show my receipt.
MiL: Don’t you have to?
Karena: ACTUALLY THE LAW STATES THAT… [cites various legal theories that I’ve expounded to her; she has adopted my opinion on exactly two matters in life, this and the evils of gun control]
1. Don’t do this if you actually stole something. Or on second thought, maybe you should do it, as I seem to “get away” every time. I dunno, man – you’re on your own. But, instead of shoplifting like a crackhead or a spoiled actress, try committing a manly crime like armed robbery. *
* do not actually commit felonies even if I joke about them, and 50 Cent makes them sound cool
1a. Don’t do this even if you didn’t steal anything – but you’ve got coke in the car, an arrest warrant, etc.
2. Don’t shout at people or touch others. Don’t try to juke around the greeter, or hit a spin move. He could fall and break his hip. Or you could get nabbed for disorderly conduct, or tased or something.
3. Don’t do this if you got somewhere to go and can’t spend an hour standing in the front of Walmart waiting for the police to arrive, which could possibly happen. Store employees, at least in my state, can detain and question you if they are acting in good faith and on reasonable grounds that you’ve stolen something. (Which doesn’t include not showing your receipt, I mean come on, the cashiers can’t even tell what the shit is on the receipt without scanning it – how is some half-blind and addled senior citizen gonna know)
4. Don’t do this at stores like Sam’s Club where, when you join, you sign a form giving them permission to check your receipt, examine your bags, put their hands down your kids’ pants looking for “candy,” etc.
buying another horse mat tomorrow, already used a Lowes’ gift card to purchase the high-quality utility knife that i plan to use to cut it into sections
Karena: WHY DID YOU BUY THAT? I THINK WE ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
Me [scoffing]: This is the non-retractable Blue Diamond titanium carbide cutter. Have you seen what I’m planning to slice? That rusty piece of crap that I stepped on in the shed is not going to cut through one of those mats that I’ve got out there in the gym. It wouldn’t even cut through my foot! In fact…
Karena [to Quincy]: WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?
Me: …one of the reviews on the TSC website a guy said that he tried to use a Dremel, but…
Karena [to Rex]: DON’T LET YOUR SISTER EAT THINGS OFF THE FLOOR! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE “WANTED TO”? YOU KNOW BETTER
Me: Some of the guys on my blog were trying to get me to build this wooden dowel thing with hose clamps, whatever those are, but I said to them,
Karena: HURRY UP AND WASH YOUR HANDS AND EAT DINNER I HAVE TO TAKE HIM TO BOY SCOUTS
I should have told her that they tried to check my receipt.