Patsy

the highlight of my day was that there was another pretty young girl at the gym.  She was blond, tan, wearing short running shorts and a t-shirt.  But I couldn’t see her face because she walked immediately to the cardio, did 30 minutes of incline walking on the treadmill (like 10% 2mph) and then left.  So not seeing her face would be the lowlight.

I never understand why people drive to the gym to walk slowly on the treadmills.  It was 85 and sunny – you can walk slowly outside.  Or at the mall and do some shopping.  OTOH I guess I could pick up logs and stones, or do manual labor instead of lifting.  At least she looks good.  One of my wife’s fat friends used to go to the gym 3x a week for 30 minutes of slow walking/elliptical and when I’d saw her she’d of course complain to me that it was ineffective.  Which it was – she gained about 10-15 pounds a year in the time I knew her.

Me: I saw your friend Patsy at the gym.

Karena: OH I HAVEN’T SEEN HER IN SO LONG.  HOW IS SHE DOING.

Me: I didn’t talk to her!  I was working out.  She was riding on the elliptical or something.  But I did wave to her when I was walking by to go to the water fountain.  I think she got stung by a bunch of bees or something.

Karena: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

Me: Oh, she looks all puffy and swollen up.  [puffs out cheeks and waddles on imaginary elliptical]

Karena: YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.  SHE’S MY FRIEND.

[two weeks later]

Karena: I SAW PATSY AT THE SCHOOL TODAY.

Me: Oh, that’s nice.

Karena: I THINK SHE MAY HAVE GAINED A FEW POUNDS.

Two other Patsy anecdotes:

1. Patsy had no control over her kids (7 and 5 now) and they used to hit and scream at each other at the playground.  They would also play pretty roughly with Rex.  And then he’d defend himself, so the three of them would be pushing each other around, someone would be wailing and it would generally make me miserable.  She was honestly a nice person and good to talk with, but she didn’t believe in spanking, she could never stick to a punishment, she didn’t believe in forcing kids to learn things, or toilet train, etc.  Like when her kids came over to play – once – they wouldn’t clean up the mess they made in Rex’s room.  Rex was picking up his legos and looking bewildered – so she did it for them.

One day the three of them were wrestling and shrieking, and she said, for like the 100th time “I wish I could send them home with you.”  or maybe “I wish you could yell at them.”  So finally I said, “You want me to?”  And she said “Yes, please.

I didn’t feel totally comfortable shouting at someone else’s kids.  But I figured out a solution.  All three of them were roughhousing and being brats, but it was mostly her oldest one.

So I snuck up kind of close to all three, and in my best Army sergeant voice yelled “Hey! Stop that hitting!  Do you hear me?!  You knock that off NOW!”

Which worked like a charm.  The older kid stopped hitting.  (The other two were probably thinking about it anyway, so they figured it applied to them)  Being yelled at by a strange male adult scared them enough to straighten up, at least for the rest of the time we were there. (yes I know yelling eventually loses its effectiveness – ask my son)

2. We would see Patsy like once a week, usually at the playground.  Sometimes my wife saw her at the school or something.  Like I said, the kids came over to play once.  Rex went over there once. Once her husband gave me a pass to this big computers/games/nerds convention because he worked in computers but they’d be out of town.  I gave it to Karena and she was eternally grateful.  But like we knew them for 4 years and never hung out with them socially.  She didn’t talk to Patsy on the phone, or facebook or whatever.  Even when the kids played, it was always a random encounter, except for those two times, which were both in 2012.

The above is just context for the following exchange, when one day, about 6 months ago, we were at the playground together for like the first time in several months.  The boys were throwing sand at each other or something while my daughter toddled around the bench Patsy, Karena, and I were sitting on.

Patsy (for the 100th time – she said everything over and over): …omigod I’m going to miss you guys so much. What will we do without you?  I can’t believe you’re moving so far away?  It won’t be the same without you here.  don’t move, teehee!  No, I know it’s a good opportunity but we’ll miss you so much…etc

Karena: IT’S ONLY 1100 MILES.  WE COULD VISIT.  YOU COULD VISIT US.

Then the two of them start discussing this hypothetical visit.  What else there was to do around there.  The hotels.  The climate.

Karena: YOU COULD STAY WITH US.  WE’LL HAVE A GUEST BEDROOM.  THE KIDS  […] SOFA BED […] REX’S ROOM […] PLENTY OF ROOM […] WARM WEATHER…

Patsy: oh that’s so nice!  visit you yes because we’ll miss you so very much and it won’t be the same without you and the boys are such good friends and the baby is so cute and i can’t believe you’re moving.  definitely we should visit each other and…

Karena and Patsy [simultaneously in cacophony]: DEFINITELY.  totally.  VISIT. so nice. WONDERFUL

Me: Stop!  No one is going to visit anyone.  You two have never hung out and you live 3 miles away.  You’re not going to travel a thousand miles.  Look, I’m not trying to be rude – if you do happen to be in the same state – or one of the adjoining states – you’re definitely welcome to visit, and even stay at our place.  But please, let’s be realistic.

They both just stare at me like I’m speaking Tagalog.  Long, uncomfortable pause.

Karena: YES IF YOU ARE IN THE SAME STATE, YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY VISIT!

Patsy: Yes, that would be so wonderful!  We’ll miss you guys so much.  If we visit, the boys could play together, etc.

Karena: AND THE WEATHER IS SO MUCH NICER.  DEFINITELY VISIT…ETC

Patsy: …totally visit!  Can’t believe you guys are moving… etc.

Later, of course:

Karena: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLD PATSY THAT SHE COULDN’T VISIT US.  THAT WAS SO RUDE.


Back to the present day, and ogling women at the gym: Another highlight was Good Thing #3 who was there at the same time as the blond, which is the first time two women who I’d have sex with have been at the Y at the same time.  She was wearing short orange shorts and a tanktop, and high socks.  But she just rode on the cardio too, so I couldn’t even really look at her because there’s no reason for me to point my head in that direction.  But when I went to the water fountain, I did admire the way her buttocks jostled athletically as she ellipsed.

Weight: 174.2

Squat: up to 350; 230,235,240×3

knee felt better, only hurt a little on one or two random sets (like 175×3 and 325×1) 

Bench: …285×3, 290x3x2

Sumo+strong: 255

Time: 1:25

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