Let’s review the latest issue of T-mag.
Dani Shugart didn’t get breast implants because she’s a bimbo. She got them because she wants to look better feel more confident when she’s on a stage dancing around in her underwear. Anyone who objects will be white-knighted to death in the T-mag comments section (which I am banned from after posting a link to my Why 5/3/1 Sucks article in the comments to a Wendler article).
The Tim Henriques article about ROM progression in the deadlift is okay. Except for this: “Let’s say you have a current best of 380×6 but want to hit 405×10…” He provides a 2 phase, 14 workout program to achieve this goal. If you can deadlift 380×6 and want to hit 405×10, here’s a better plan: Stop being a pussy, go to the gym immediately, and lift 405×10.
My personal opinion is that if you have a “current best” in the deadlift and it ends in anything besides x1, you’re wrong.
Henriques is/was a good deadlifter and the plan makes sense – just divide all the reps by 10.
Kyle Arsenault wrote an article about training for size and strength. He looks like this:
Charles Staley wrote a solid, logical article – that is worthless to anyone with more than 3 weeks of training experience. Hey, wow, have you ever heard of this Pareto Principle? ZOMG profound. This isn’t motherfucking Reader’s Digest, you senile bastard. By the way, it’s not called “Paretto’s Principle” but I’ll blame TC for that.
If you’re on the T-mag email list, along with the links to the articles they’ll send the text of a mini-article in the email body. This week, Dan John introduced the Deadlift Challenge: How many reps can you do with 315 in 30 minutes? What a great idea! I thought of some other fitness challenges:
- How fast can you run five kilometers?
- Take your Squat, Bench, and Deadlift 1RM. Add them together. Who can get the highest total?
- How many pushups can you do?
- How long can you hold your breath?
- How long can you get paid by T-mag despite being a fat, platitude-dispensing, junior high school football coach?
And now we come to the Golden Turd award. TC Luoma’s article, 8 Reasons You’re Still Weak or Fat was so bad, that at first I thought it was a joke: “Don’t squat or deadlift…” Haha, TC, you devil’s advocate, you! You almost had me! Then I came to #3 and my jaw dropped. Not because it was a blatant plug for their worthless supplement – TC has the integrity of a Nigerian pimp when it comes to pushing his pills and powders. But because it meant that the rest of the article was serious too.
First, a quick biography of the author:
- Pic below is ca. 2000. I’m sure this photo was totally impromptu, and required only one snap, and was not retouched, and he did not pump up his arms beforehand and he is not pushing his biceps out at all, and he now trains legs.
- Used to write bullshit muscle magazine articles. “Dinosaur Delts in Days!!!”
- Peddles worthless supplements.
- Writes articles and books about how to be more manly.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see what this expert with 30+ years of experience has to say about why people are fat and weak:
1. You Do Conventional Squats and Deadlifts.
these movements are so blasted technique-driven that the average lifter needs a full-time squat or deadlift coach to constantly monitor and adjust his form.
Driving, balancing a checkbook, and cooking are other blastedly difficult tasks. The average person must need a chauffeur, an accountant, and a personal chef!
it’s damn hard for the average person to get into the right squat or deadlift position without devoting more hours to mobility work than one of those grizzled Indian yogis in tattered homespun rags.
What does this even mean? What is mobility work? It wasn’t invented until 2008. Didn’t people squat and deadlift before that? You can kind of see why I thought this whole thing was a farce.
When was the last time you saw somebody doing squats or deadlifts – outside of Dave Tate’s gym – where you didn’t shake your head, spit a loogie at a stray dog, and mentally make a list of the things that person was doing wrong?
This has a grain of truth – but implies that everyone reading this knows how to do the allegedly blastedly difficult exercises correctly. So either TC’s point is invalid – or T-mag readers are idiots. (No. You can only pick one.)
He then suggests replacing these exercises with trap bar deadlifts and trap bar squats (what the fuck is a trap bar squat – is that where you hold the trap bar above your head?).
Listen, trap bar deadlifts are fine. But everyone at my gym who
1) squats or deadlifts, and
2) is “weak” (I’m going to ignore “fat” for this one)
is weak because they
A) use pussy weights
B) have atrocious form (it’s okay, TC says it’s hard)
Let’s look at some examples:
- Aaron squats 145x3x5 with good form. TC tells him to switch to trap bar deadlift. Now he will TBD 195x3x5 with good form. Will still not be strong.
- Bob squats 275×1 and he goes less than halfway down and his knees buckle inwards. He switches to trap bar deadlift and does 315 with a rounded back and is still a piece of shit.
- I’ll even invent a hypothetical lifter named Charlie, who gave up squatting and deadlifting years ago because it was so blasted hard. So is this guy going to discover the trap bar deadlift and work up to 5 plates with it? No, he’s going to keep being a pussy and stacking 8 plates on each side of the leg press machine and doing hercules curls.
tldr: You’re not weak because you squat and deadlift. You’re weak because you’re lazy and stupid.
2. Your Definition of Recovery Days is Too Damn Literal
practice active recovery techniques like Prowler pushes, kettlebell swings, sledgehammer work, or even riding a bicycle up some hills.
This one’s not too bad. If you’re fat, doing extra things will burn calories. Lifting weights for an hour, 2 days a week is not enough exercise. If you’re weak…well I’m not sure how riding a bike will help matters. (None of you contrarian motherfuckers better mention that the Russian weightlifting team plays volleyball to warm up or some shit like that. You know this is not what’s holding T-mag readers back from doing a 100 kg C&J)
3. Your Ideas About Peri-Workout Nutrition Are 10 Years Old.
[shameless commercial for Plazma]
All I have to say about this is that no Mr. Olympia or Olympic champion ever drank Plazma, whatever it is. A “unique di- and tri- peptide”. Horseshit. I don’t really get too worked up about this one because I don’t think I’ve ever even met anyone who drinks this crap. Or at least who admits to it.
4. You Eat 6 Meals a Day.
Are you fat despite eating 6 quality meals a day? Was breakfast a cup of oatmeal, 4 eggs, and a piece of fruit? Three hours later, did you eat a can of tuna and broccoli? Three hours later, a protein shake and water? Etc and etc? But you’re still fat? The three of you should try what TC suggests.
5. You Work Muscles Instead of Movements.
The title of this is valid. He must have overheard it from someone with a brain. Cause then he says this:
If you train back one day by doing bent-over rows and you train hamstrings the next by doing Romanian deadlifts, you’re actually training the hamstrings two days in a row […] If that doesn’t fit the definition of overtraining, I don’t know what does.
Sigh. I guess he has never met an Olympic lifter. He suggests a “push-pull” routine. Thanks for that tip from the 1930’s, TC.
6. Steroids Misled You About a Basic Training Principle.
Work compound movements. Natural guys can’t get big arms by just doing curls. It’s true – and already been said 5 million times.
7. You’ve Got No Love for the “Upper Body Squat.”
Do weighted chinups. I just said it in three words. TC took three hundred.
8. You Think “Fasted Cardio” is Your Ticket to Fat Loss.
Getting back to the point of the article, which is supposedly why you’re weak and fat…oh who gives a fuck. If you’re weak, why the hell would you be doing fasted cardio? If you’re fat, don’t listen to TC. Do fasted cardio. Or don’t. Nobody gives a fuck.
My favorite part is the ending of this article. Not just because it’s over – though that’s a good reason. But because there is no ending. After point #8, he just stops. One second he’s rehashing some banal argument between Alwyn Cosgrove and Christian Thibidibideau. Then there’s another Plazma plug…then nothing. There is no summary, because there’s nothing to summarize: very few of his points have anything to do with the title of the article at all.
Here’s my summary: The entire issue sucked, especially TC’s article.
TC, please stick to your Maxim magazine humor, and your “how to be an alpha-male” pep-talks that you’ve been repeating since 1996. Leave the writing about training and diet to, well, people who actually train and diet. You’re a phony, a has-been never-was, and a charlatan.