Father’s Day

Halloween is an example of a holiday that’s great when you’re little.  Still good in high school when you’re putting fireworks in pumpkins and running from the cops.  Also good as a young adult going to drinking parties where girls wear costumes that are always prefixed by “sexy,” even though in RL those two words would never go together: (I’m a sexy cat!  I’m a sexy nun!  I’m a sexy dinosaur!).  Then, when you’re married with kids, Halloween is a giant piece of shit where you have to escort the little twerps around town with 0 enjoyment for yourself.

Mother’s and Father’s Days have always been pretty lame and continue to be so.

Mother’s Day as a child: Dad hauls me to the store and makes me pay some of my money to buy a gift for mom.  I draw a card.  On mother’s day, I have to be extra well-behaved.  Don’t hit your brother, it’s mother’s day.  Don’t throw that in the house, it’s mother’s day, etc.

Mother’s Day as an adult:  Send my mom a card.  Call her the day of.  Buy a present to give her the next time I see her.  Take the kid to buy Karena a present.  Make him draw a card.  Watch the kids all day long, except when I get to go to the gym.  Karena spends 90% of the day playing Kindle games, sleeping, playing Wii, or surfing the web (sometimes 3 or 4 of these at once).  I cook the “breakfast for dinner.”  Karena is mad at me for some inexplicable reason, regardless.

Father’s Day as a child: Mom hauls me to the store and makes me pay some of my money to buy a gift for dad, which he will hate.  Draw him a card.  Can’t remember but probably spent some time with the old man that day.  I guess I’m lucky cause some of you don’t have dads, or had crappy ones, and usually I did like doing stuff with him, but other times i wished he would be an MLB player and away all the time so I could get away with more.

Father’s Day as an adult: Send card to dad, call dad, get present for next time I see him. Get presents from “kids.”  They are actually pretty good this year (bottle of Walmart Shiraz and bacon-jalapeno jerky).  Go to the gym.  Somehow get stuck watching kids the whole rest of the day, despite Mother’s Day (see above).  “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR KIDS ON FATHERS DAY”  But it’s fine.  Went to the park. Played minecraft while my son sat next to me and shouted gibberish/advice in my ear “Mine spawn creeper sheep oooh egg snowball zombie…”  Was gonna teach my son to play Pokemon cards but not enough time/energy, will try again tomorrow.   Played mario kart 8, was a good sport about losing.  Wife slept and played kindle/computer/wii.  She tried to get out of making the Sunday breakfast for dinner: “WE SHOULD GO OUT TO EAT FOR FATHER’S DAY.  WE DIDN’T GO OUT FOR MOTHER’S DAY, REMEMBER?”  Too bad.

Actually, it was all right.  Take a look at this card I got from my son:

r-father day card 2014

feel free to comment, keeping in mind he’s 7 and this isn’t Maddox.  Still pretty funny/odd and some of you will get why immediately.


Weight: 187.2 (+1.2)

Low Bar Squat: 45×6, 45bbx5, 135bbx4, 225bbx3, 315bbx2, 375bb nb, 405, 430, 450, 460, 470; 380×2,2,2,3,3,2,2,2,2,2,2,3,3

Exchange with cottage-cheese assed PAWG trainer after I squatted 450:

Trainer: Omigod, that’s so good.

Me: Thank you.

Trainer: You make it look not even heavy!  I mean for me, this is heavy! [indicates 75 lb barbell with puss-pad that she’s using to do some sort of push jerk/jumping lunge hybrid]

Me: Oh, ha ha. [puts headphones back on]

Still sick, took aspirin and sudafed before workout so I feel my performance was commendable, except that I may have hallucinated some of my sets, and spent majority of rest time coughing, sniffling, clearing throat, sweating, and possibly, groaning.  Still did last 8 sets of volume with 4 min rest and either band pulling or deadlifting between.

BTN Press: 45×8, 89×4, 135×3, 145×2, 150×2, 155, 160, 165, 170, 175; 135×4,4,4,3,3,3

Got 175 about halfway up but couldn’t lock it out.

Sumo + strong bands: 4 sets, all PRs, up to 155 off 3.5″ deficit.

Time: 2:05

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41 thoughts on “Father’s Day

    • to clarify, that’s me, him, and his baby sister.

      and he used the same color brown crayon to color my wife on her mother’s day card. She’s black – and apparently he thinks I am too.

      good details were the all black clothes, the beard, and i’m the only person on either card to have arms that aren’t pencil lines.

      • Yeah, I knew Karena was black, and that you weren’t, so I was perplexed to see you colored like that. I figured he’d left himself off, in that case, though, not that he’d leave his mum off… Still, funny picture.

        • he does the minimum work possible. for example, for his mother’s day card i think he drew himself and Karena. I had to tell him to draw his sister. Then I had to tell him to write happy mother’s day.
          for birthday cards for uncles/aunts/etc, he usually draws a video game scene, but if it is incomprehensible, i won’t allow it. Make him draw animals, people, real things. Karena says I stifle his creativity but if it wasn’t for me he’d just draw a scribble and say it was an explosion.

  1. I like the way he detailed the beard. Has he seen star wars yet? maybe he tried to compare you to a wookie or something. My old man just relaxed and drank today.

  2. Sounds like you need to sit down with Rex and ask him if Karena has any uncle’s visiting when you’re at work…

    • oh hush. we used to joke about that a lot but i never worried bc both the kids look a lot like me. or a lot like my youthful residual self-image. before i started to look like a troll, that is.

  3. I like the black clothes and slightly darker black beard.

    In re to your comment on Celica’s post, did you get an English degree because you thought you were going to write books or tv shows or something in Hollywood? That’s why I did. GREAT life choice, obviously.

        • can it. I got $1400 a month in living expenses while i was getting that degree. okay, fine you have a point. Look at it this way:

          If you could get paid $1400 a month to get a Crossfit Level 9 certification would you? I mean there’d be some nonsense and douchebags. But you’d meet some cool people and learn _something_.

      • That’s slightly more useful than a BA (very slightly). At least you could teach or something, which I think would be pretty hilarious really.

        Have you written any books? I fantasize about writing short stories and novels all the time. I’ve written like… 6 stories. And that was because it was required for class.

        • i have taught. not hilarious.

          I’ve written a shitload of short stories. And then what? You try to get them published where? In the New Yorker? Okay, good luck. In Glimmer Train, Ploughshares, other top-notch bullshit that no one reads, and get paid what, $200? which is less than I made writing an article for t-mag 15 years ago? Fuck that. In Green Pilgrim Review or Yersinia Pestis Monthly (i made those up, you wouldn’t know the difference, trust me) or one of the other #11-#3000 literary magazines? Congratulations. Go suck my balls.

          I’m writing some longer stuff (porn, novel, porn-novel). That’s where any semblance of money is. It’s too embarassing to talk more about. Just forget about it and I’ll maybe send you the amazon link. Never ask again.

          See what Stewie says to Brian when he’s writing a novel/screenplay, etc. That’s some good advice.

          • You can always find small anthologies in which to get published. Most writers, even real (published) writers, have day jobs, few make a living out of it, the Stephen Kings are few and far in between.

            There’s also self-publishing, not sure how you feel about that… but yeah, self-published porn and vampires and shit seems to sell, no question about that.

          • Absolutely want that amazon link.

            I suppose you could self publish a collection of short stories too, and link the shit out of it on Reddit or any other aggregate site like that. Somebody would buy it I’m sure.

          • Self-publishing is something of a dark, seedy area to literary types. Kinda like paying for a high-end prostitute, then bragging about how you scored with a really hot chick.

          • i don’t want to really talk about it til its happening & i have a pretty good idea about what I’m doing in that aspect of my life as well as the same broz-ian work ethic. so my final statement on the subject is – fatmans analogy is apt: self-publishing is only okay for erotica and brooks kubik.

    • I read that a couple years ago and it made me feel almost angry. There aren’t many things that make me almost angry.

      The quote from the author re: studying at Harvard pretty much sums it all up.

      But I can also see why the public lapped that shit (book) up.

      • yeah i read that a few years ago. why so mad? 80% of kids are stupid and lazy because their parents are. It’s like getting mad at richard sandrak’s dad, meanwhile 80% of kids are fat slobs.

        • It irked me that the dumb public started masturbating over a book which is, bottom line, a piece of shit. Half of the thrill is, “Oooh, our kids are lazy because we don’t push them hard enough, but the Chinese know how to do it, demand nothing but excellence”. The other half is a profound fascination with people promoting unabashed dumb asshole-ism, like the lady who wrote the book.

          Not so irked by the woman who wrote it, more by the attention it received. The broad ‘Murican public will swallow the most retarded stuff, as long as you slap a cool, “edgy” country/culture label on it. BTW I didn’t renew my subscription to the New Yorker, so they can suck it too.

          Ivan say, drink pickle juice because healthy. Organic pickle juice it is. Tiger Mom say, make chirdren study piano eight houa. Wow, what a cool idea. I’m waiting for urine drinking to become the new big fad, I’ll start filling up empty milk gallons and set up a stand in the street.

          • haha really? i thought the only people who believe in Tiger Mom – or suscribe to the New Yorker – have a zipcode that starts with a one and two zeroes.
            The rest of the country hears about tiger mom on daytime tv and tsk-tsks, glad that they never pushed their whelps to learn to read.

          • my feelz:
            a) u actually post a music vid I like for once.
            b) I seen jin freestyle and he’s great, glad to see he made a hot song/vid. even if i didn’t see it for 5 years. i’m old ok.
            c) only thing would have made vid better is if he ran back thru that door he was delivering the food to and karate kicked it down.
            d) my old roommate’s dad is (no lie) a chinese mob boss. i might have mentioned that before.

          • Well, the book made all the cool bestseller lists… so I’m guessing it was probably read by people other than NYer subscribers.

          • Strangely Jin after his short stint of gangsta rapping became a Hong Kong TV drama actor, then after that became a Christian rapper circa now.

            Anyway, old song by him:

    • not relevant. 10x a year, I ask my kid to draw something comprehensible for a card. One year I even allowed 5 of these to be Angry Birds and one to be Plants vs. Zombies. But, ok, so my uncle likes dogs and fishing, I made him draw a dog and a fish on the card along with the goddam stick figure zombie. This does not equal 4 hours a day of violin practice.

      • No, I was telling you in my expert parenting skills that you should be leaning towards 4 hours a day of violin practice. At least that’s what I wish my parents did.

        • oh you’re a funny guy. and i’m an angry and defensive guy.
          But you will do that to your kid bc you wish your parents made you.
          OTOH I will remember my parents letting me sign up to play the trombone in 4th grade and making me practice 30 minutes a day and how much I hated that and wished they’d just forbidden me.
          therefore Rex is only allowed to play the following instruments: electric guitar, bass, drums, Roland.

    • nonsense. we went once to a child-friendly facility because he had an interest. He doesn’t do any other sports, so I think appropriate strength training will be good for him.

      • I wish I did gymnastics as a kid. Have him do gymnastics and get jacked and meet a ton of girls and do cool tricks then when he quits he’ll be able to exceed you in powerlifting and/or Olympic lifting.

        • he did toddler tumble time. listen, you can make a kid try something – and you can force him to do something – but if he doesn’t enjoy it, you’re both gonna be miserable. I think you childless folk know this, you’re just being silly and giving me a hard time.

          Rex likes: video games, reading, horseplay (indoor and outdoor), toilet humor, math (if it’s on a computer), lifting weights (maybe), board games.

          everything else is forced or bribed.

          but gymnasts and ice skaters do make good powerlifters. at least the girls. if you get them by age 12.

  4. So I’m thinking of doing some intentional internet trolling. I’m thinking another two YTMNDs.
    I’m thinking this:

    With “Learn Chinese” in the background.

    And then this:

    With “Got Rice” in the background. Is this dumb/racist to do? If I met Lu Xiaojun ever would he not want to talk to me for making said YTMND sites?

    • i just don’t think it’s funny enough to be worth it. also chinese dominate WL – unlike rap – so don’t need to pimp their race. further, let them make their own racial memes.

      try something more like the guy on bb.com misc who posted that he ate a whole bottle of gummi vites.

        • that’s better, tho not really trolly/funny.
          it’s basically a highlight video from a fan.
          can’t you leave that for “he who shall not be named on mopility”
          even tho the link you sent for where bret bans you from talking about him i don’t think was correct

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