I’m big coach the white knight.
First, yesterday, i saw this 45 year-old, fun-loving, bad-form-having, hot-wife-having, equipment-tying-up, kids sport coach taking forever at the water fountain. Then I realized that because he is 6’2, he can see through the window by the fountain and ogle the girls in the aerobics room. I’m too short for that, so all I can see is the top half of the head of the girl nearest the window. Who usually glowers down at me like I could even see her ass. (Which I would check out if I was tall enough). Totally irrelevant.
Anyway, so when I pass the aerobics room on the way to the locker room, I always slow down my stride and take a look through the glass door. It’s like divining the future with bird entrails: if the last ass I see belongs to a hotbody, then I will have a good workout/good day. If I can only find whales, then everything is going to suck.
Yesterday, what I saw was this little skinny guy with a goatee. My thought was: homosexual. Which is fine. It’s yoga. I’m immature and judgemental. Then the guy showed up in the locker room. He said that he saw me squatting and deadlifting and would like to learn about the powerlifts. According to him, “The only thing I do for legs is cardio.” So I got his email address and sent him a bootleg PDF copy of Starting Strength, and a personal recommendation to do trap bar deadlifts instead of power cleans. So took me almost no time, and if he reads the book, fine, and I don’t mind helping him clean up his form. If not, I wash my hands of it. Now he’ll probably be another douchebag tying up the power rack. Should have recommended leg press.
As a side-note, I was telling my wife about this guy and described him as looking like “a less buff version” of our friend “hipster Chris”.
Karena: But Chris doesn’t even lift weights.
Me: Yeah, I know.
(btw, hipster chris looks exactly like the main character from this awesome video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQqpWAZoJRI)
Second, the high-school kid showed up again. Even though some of you had more amusing advice, I looked at his squat form (not as bad as I expected, but pretty fucking bad) and made a few corrections. Then emailed him a copy of starting strength. Listen, I feel a little bad about bootlegging the book, but if either of these guys actually read it and follow the instructions, I’ll tell them to send some money Rippetoe’s way. Seriously.
Third, “Emma”, Andy’s girlfriend was there today without him (he had to work). Just like I didn’t like Andy at first, I also didn’t like her. My first thought was: annoying, overly-tattooed, underdressed crossfitter. Now that I learned that she is a powerlifter and is really nice to me (also I’m cool w/Andy) I feel that her outfits are relatively conservative, and she is a charming young lady with beautiful skin art.
Today she became my new hero. The Enemy was there deadlifting. He worked up to 280×5 with straps @ BW of 170-180. (He’s been working out for at least 5 years). Then he started doing sets with 140. I don’t know what the fuck, like were they speed sets? They were not speedy. Emma has been powerlifting for a few months. She weighs 132. This is her 1st time pulling Sumo. She warmed up with 135, and then did multiple easy sets of 3 with 185. I.E. more than the enemy was pulling. I loled. I helped complete his humiliation by military pressing more weight than he was deadlifting on the other side of him. Doubt he noticed or cared.
Anyhow, I was doing squats in the rack and she finished her deadlifts and went over to the platform, where she started taking the bar out of the pins at knee-height, reracking it, and looking confused. I asked what she was doing, and she said she was supposed to be doing rack pulls bc Andy put them on her program, but she didn’t know what they were. Nice job, Andy. (he probably thought: “ahh, coach will show her, he fucking lives at the gym”)
So Coach the white knight says that he will take a break from squats. I help her get set up in the rack, make various tweaks to her form, and recommend standing on aerobic steps (bc she is short and the lowest pin is too high). She does her 5×3 with 195. I do some rope pushdowns while I wait to use the rack. It was around set 4, when I started to feel like a giant shithead.
I mean, listen, I honestly was not helping her any more than I would have helped, say Emilio, or Chad, or another “serious” lifter. And I was not staring at her butt – I mean helping someone with deadlift form entails more or less eyeballing that area, but I was working diligently to keep my thoughts pure and not covet my neighbor’s ass.
Still, as I was standing there, I just pictured Karena – maybe with the kids in tow – coming to the window that overlooks the weight area, and seeing me standing behind/talking to this half-dressed hot chick. Oh, so that’s why your father goes to the gym so much, kids. I fucking knew it.
Ten minutes helping floozies deadlift = stealing ten minutes from my family. I’m such a Cherb.
Weight: 193.6 (+1.4)
Manta Ray Squat: 45×4, 135×3, 225×2, 275, 315, 345, 365, 380, 390, 395, [cherb time], 400; 360,365,370,375,380×1 360×2,2,3,2,1p
TSV: 360×19 (total squat volume, min volume weight x volume reps & count special exercise reps)
Bottom Position Squat #12 (a little above parallel): 315,365,400,405,315 (counting 315 even though it was just to put the bar back in the racks)
DB Bench: 30×30, 35×35, 40×40
(pecs a little tight so no heavy pressing)
Mil Press: 45×6, 95×4, 145×2, 165, 185; 135x5x3
Did all these from a deadlift, then hang power clean. that’s right, Wo. Look out.
Emma: What’s that called? How you get the bar up to where you press it?
Me: It’s called ‘I don’t want to tie up another rack.’
(i really said that but i told her what it was after i’d made my hilarious cool-guy joke)
Sumo Deadlift: 135×3, 225, 315, 405, 435, 440
Cable Rows: 1 set
chinups: 1 set
Pullthroughs: 1 set
Hypers: 1 set
Hanging Knee Raise: 1 set
Crunches: 15 (i’m not kidding)
After I did my crunches, i remembered why I don’t do any direct ab work. (Well, knee raises are ok, it’s mainly crunches and situps.) I get really bad cramping in my abs afterwards. Like I bend down to tie my shoes and am in excruciating pain and have to immediately reach way up for the ceiling. It’s been happening for a few years. It’s fine. You get enough ab work from squats and deadlifts. I have a 40 inch waist, even when I have visible six-pack and veins in my arms. It’s fine.
Time: 2:20, would have been 2:05 if I hadn’t helped Emma and the kid.