I’m big coach the white knight.

First, yesterday, i saw this 45 year-old, fun-loving, bad-form-having, hot-wife-having, equipment-tying-up, kids sport coach taking forever at the water fountain.  Then I realized that because he is 6’2, he can see through the window by the fountain and ogle the girls in the aerobics room.  I’m too short for that, so all I can see is the top half of the head of the girl nearest the window.  Who usually glowers down at me like I could even see her ass.  (Which I would check out if I was tall enough).  Totally irrelevant.

Anyway, so when I pass the aerobics room on the way to the locker room, I always slow down my stride and take a look through the glass door.  It’s like divining the future with bird entrails: if the last ass I see belongs to a hotbody, then I will have a good workout/good day.  If I can only find whales, then everything is going to suck.

Yesterday, what I saw was this little skinny guy with a goatee.  My thought was: homosexual.  Which is fine.  It’s yoga.  I’m immature and judgemental.  Then the guy showed up in the locker room.  He said that he saw me squatting and deadlifting and would like to learn about the powerlifts.  According to him, “The only thing I do for legs is cardio.”  So I got his email address and sent him a bootleg PDF copy of Starting Strength, and a personal recommendation to do trap bar deadlifts instead of power cleans.  So took me almost no time, and if he reads the book, fine, and I don’t mind helping him clean up his form.  If not, I wash my hands of it.  Now he’ll probably be another douchebag tying up the power rack.  Should have recommended leg press.

As a side-note, I was telling my wife about this guy and described him as looking like “a less buff version” of our friend “hipster Chris”. 

Karena: But Chris doesn’t even lift weights.

Me: Yeah, I know.


(btw, hipster chris looks exactly like the main character from this awesome video:

Second, the high-school kid showed up again.  Even though some of you had more amusing advice, I looked at his squat form (not as bad as I expected, but pretty fucking bad) and made a few corrections.  Then emailed him a copy of starting strength.  Listen, I feel a little bad about bootlegging the book, but if either of these guys actually read it and follow the instructions, I’ll tell them to send some money Rippetoe’s way.  Seriously.

Third, “Emma”, Andy’s girlfriend was there today without him (he had to work).  Just like I didn’t like Andy at first, I also didn’t like her.  My first thought was: annoying, overly-tattooed, underdressed crossfitter.  Now that I learned that she is a powerlifter and is really nice to me (also I’m cool w/Andy) I feel that her outfits are relatively conservative, and she is a charming young lady with beautiful skin art.

Today she became my new hero.  The Enemy was there deadlifting.  He worked up to 280×5 with straps @ BW of 170-180.  (He’s been working out for at least 5 years). Then he started doing sets with 140.  I don’t know what the fuck, like were they speed sets?  They were not speedy.  Emma has been powerlifting for a few months.  She weighs 132.  This is her 1st time pulling Sumo.  She warmed up with 135, and then did multiple easy sets of 3 with 185.  I.E. more than the enemy was pulling.  I loled.  I helped complete his humiliation by military pressing more weight than he was deadlifting on the other side of him.  Doubt he noticed or cared.

Anyhow, I was doing squats in the rack and she finished her deadlifts and went over to the platform, where she started taking the bar out of the pins at knee-height, reracking it, and looking confused.  I asked what she was doing, and she said she was supposed to be doing rack pulls bc Andy put them on her program, but she didn’t know what they were.  Nice job, Andy.  (he probably thought: “ahh, coach will show her, he fucking lives at the gym”)

So Coach the white knight says that he will take a break from squats.  I help her get set up in the rack, make various tweaks to her form, and recommend standing on aerobic steps (bc she is short and the lowest pin is too high).  She does her 5×3 with 195.  I do some rope pushdowns while I wait to use the rack.  It was around set 4, when I started to feel like a giant shithead.

I mean, listen, I honestly was not helping her any more than I would have helped, say Emilio, or Chad, or another “serious” lifter.  And I was not staring at her butt – I mean  helping someone with deadlift form entails more or less eyeballing that area, but I was working diligently to keep my thoughts pure and not covet my neighbor’s ass.

Still, as I was standing there, I just pictured Karena – maybe with the kids in tow – coming to the window that overlooks the weight area, and seeing me standing behind/talking to this half-dressed hot chick.  Oh, so that’s why your father goes to the gym so much, kids.  I fucking knew it.

Ten minutes helping floozies deadlift = stealing ten minutes from my family.  I’m such a Cherb.

Weight: 193.6 (+1.4)

Manta Ray Squat: 45×4, 135×3, 225×2, 275, 315, 345, 365, 380, 390, 395, [cherb time], 400; 360,365,370,375,380×1 360×2,2,3,2,1p

TSV: 360×19  (total squat volume, min volume weight x volume reps & count special exercise reps)

Bottom Position Squat #12 (a little above parallel): 315,365,400,405,315 (counting 315 even though it was just to put the bar back in the racks)

DB Bench: 30×30, 35×35, 40×40

(pecs a little tight so no heavy pressing)

Mil Press: 45×6, 95×4, 145×2, 165, 185; 135x5x3

Did all these from a deadlift, then hang power clean.  that’s right, Wo.  Look out.

Emma: What’s that called?  How you get the bar up to where you press it?

Me: It’s called ‘I don’t want to tie up another rack.’

(i really said that but i told her what it was after i’d made my hilarious cool-guy joke)

Sumo Deadlift: 135×3, 225, 315, 405, 435, 440

RDL: 210×4,5,6,5

Cable Rows: 1 set

chinups: 1 set

Pullthroughs: 1 set

Hypers: 1 set

Hanging Knee Raise: 1 set

Crunches: 15 (i’m not kidding)

After I did my crunches, i remembered why I don’t do any direct ab work.  (Well, knee raises are ok, it’s mainly crunches and situps.)  I get really bad cramping in my abs afterwards.  Like I bend down to tie my shoes and am in excruciating pain and have to immediately reach way up for the ceiling.  It’s been happening for a few years.  It’s fine.  You get enough ab work from squats and deadlifts.  I have a 40 inch waist, even when I have visible six-pack and veins in my arms.  It’s fine.

Time: 2:20, would have been 2:05 if I hadn’t helped Emma and the kid.



45 thoughts on “Cherbs

  1. I’ve been drinking the koolaid about the squats and deads being enough ab work, but I occasionally feel like my abs are tiny. I was iced in monday and couldn’t get at the gym (went today instead so we gud) so I did like 3×10 situps+pushups. I haven’t done any direct ab work in prolly 2 years, and even then I never had abs. But I looked in the mirror and evidently 30 situps was enough of a pump to kinda see there’s something going on there (I’m pretty fat right meow). So I think I’ll start doing some Pat Bateman direct ab work (I can’t do 1000) to see if it goes anywhere. I too get that cramping happening if lean forward after doing situps, but that’s prolly because I never do situps…

    • listen, i hear what you’re saying and i love ol’ bateman’s intensity but here’s what happens to me:
      1. read westside articles about training abs
      2. train abs
      3. get cramps
      4. try again with different exercises
      5. get cramps with everything except for side bends which are pretty much useless if you squat and deadlift, sorry jackman
      6. quit
      7. three months later, go to step 1.

    • If you’re cereal, work on isometric holds like I am. I’m currently doing l-sits and hopefully working up to a full planche. Maybe it helps my abs, maybe not, but in the end I can do neat gymnastic tricks like a human flag, so win-win.

      • This. Situps suck a D anyway, even more than side bends. I’m kind of a fan of the ab wheel too. Doing standing rollouts would be pretty badass.

        Also Coach I was about to stop doing side bends and switch to something else, but now I have to keep doing them on principal so thanks guy.

  2. Lol at being a cherb. I mentioned to my gf that I might have a reading week next week (ie academic week off) and she immediately got excited that I might visit her (she lives abroad, next country over). I had to let her know I am trying to complete my phd and that would not be happening. Que disappointment.

  3. Thank you for not taking up a rack when you don’t need to. I’ve been squatting in a rack before and had people come up to me on multiple occasions asking how many sets I’ve got left. After I say I’ve got X left, I tell them to work in with me.

    “Oh, I’m doing deadlifts, man. Take your time.”

    “Cool.” That’s when I’ll look over their shoulder at the empty incline bench presses, and think, why do you need a fucking rack for deadlifting?

    My new aspiration as a lifter is to get to the point where hot wives ask me for form advice. You’re living the dream, my man. Living the dream.

    • “My new aspiration as a lifter is to get to the point where hot wives ask me for form advice.”
      no offense, but that is the stupidest thing i’ve heard since sid said he could die happy w/a 400 sq and 500 dl.
      i mean why not aspire to shave the legs of models or something. equally beta

      but yeah, at my gym most of those guys have given up their aspirations of using the rack for curls or downward dogs or whatever stupid shit they have planned. cause the ruiner will be in there wasting his fucking life with the manta ray. or cherbing.

  4. Dude, you helped her way more than Chamilio. There’s no way you would have let them take over the rack for 15 minutes while you stared at them. It’s all good though. Just remember, next time you look into yoga room and see a guy with a goatee, put your fucking head phones on and don’t talk to anyone. Channel your inner White Lightening. It’s either that or being a total cherb. Also, is it weird that I don’t want my wife to know I read/comment(!) on this blog? She’s been asking me questions lately. “Who are you typing to?” “I’m looking at weightlifting stuff” “Wait, your posting on forums now?” She is incredulous. “Uhhh” “What’s your handle?” “Uhhh, I can’t tell you. This is my secret stuff.” “What, is it like Cowboy or something?” “Don’t worry about it sweetie. It’s just stupid stuff.” Then she gets all sad and I say, “You really want to know.” “Yeah” “It’s “some guy””. She says,” I feel like you have more to offer than “some guy.”
    Thanks babe. Now i’ll be looking at this blog whilst in the bathroom, with the fan on, in private browsing. Also, maybe need to change my handle to throw her off the trail.

    • fuckyouthatsalie…no actually, you are partially correct. of course. or i wouldn’t have made this post in the first place. In my defense there were two other factors that also played a prominent role in my actions. One was that i couldn’t stand to see her doing rack deadlifts without a rack. That was killing me. The other is that I knew that if i helped her, she’d go quickly and get out of the rack and I could use it again uninterrupted. But yeah, datass.

      also i recommend telling your wife everything you post or read on these blogs. she’ll be so bored in 5 seconds that she’ll never ask again.

    • thanks man. I’ve actually seen that before, but this is a much clearer explanation than the google translate of the norwegian page. OTOH, a) the strongest guys in that study were roughly me/fatman strong. b) i’ve been training like this longer than their study lasted. c) i outwork norway. d) i am flying on caffeine right now bc i had to train at night. e) BULGARIA

        • Yes, it’s called the IPF.

          Seriously, after the untouchable Russians, Norwegians are probably the second or third most successful nation in powerlifting. Not bad for a country of 4 million. What I’ve read about their programs is that they always keep things very simple – linear progression cycles, 5×5, etc.

          “the strongest guys in that study were roughly me/fatman strong”

          Maybe, but the guys in the study were roughly 10-15 years younger than we are now. I sure as shit was nowhere near those numbers at 18, or even at 26.

    • I think something similar study was done with endurance events that showed an increase in work capacity by doubling training sessions. Basically in the endurance version they took a 5-6 day a week running program and split it to 3 days a week with morning/evening sessions at same distances for a greater increase in performance. (So 6x5k runs for a week became 3 days with 2x5k runs with rest days). Don’t ask me to link it though. It was a long time ago, and I don’t remember where I came across it/have given up on cardio.

    • hyperbole is how. but srs, you know how pro bodybuilders have distended gut even when in contest shape. well thats about the only thing i have in common with pro bodybuilders. that and the gay for pay.

  5. Pingback: Payback Time | Coach's Blog

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