50% Beta

Real post coming later, but this is too good to wait.

I asked my wife to classify me in terms of what percentage Alpha, Beta, and Gamma I was.  My definition of Gamma is a little different.  It’s like an extreme outsider, not an ultra-beta.  A Unabomber or school shooter.  I told her an Alpha was like Charlie Sheen or Jason Statham.  And a Beta – well she’s familiar with Betapedia.

According to her, I am 50% Beta, 30% Alpha, and 20% Gamma.

I asked her to explain her reasoning.

Beta – “You play Lego Dungeons and Dragons with your family in the evenings.  Also you have a lot of female friends who you’re not sleeping with.”

Alpha – “You lift big weights.”

Gamma – “You shout at people all the time.  People who aren’t related to you.”

So there you have it.  I’m 30/50/20.  What’s your breakdown?


21 thoughts on “50% Beta

  1. Beta – I cry at the most ridiculous movies. Latest example was this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohnuyqJyEW0 My wife wouldn’t stop laughing at me. Also, the not sleeping with other female friends one.
    Alpha – I tell my bosses what to do all the time. I can’t stand when other people are in charge and don’t know what they’re doing. I have a hard time admitting that they probably know more than me but WOOF WOOF I’m the BOSS
    Gamma – Ultimate fantasy is to have a cabin in the woods, plenty of trees to cut down for fire/ building, a milk cow, chickens, veggie garden, no human contact except my wife (not a deal breaker though) and maybe another gamma neighbor with a drinking problem/useful equipment to borrow.
    Percentages – I don’t fucking know. Changes daily I think.

      • Also bronies was a really sweet movie, man. Awkward boys in rural maine worried about their dads finding out they like my little pony… Male actor from my little pony mediating with dad and son at my little pony convention… Dad deciding to watch little pony and admitting to liking it…. Son feeling loved and validated by dad… Now that is a touching movie. I want a “where are they now” bronies edition where son commits suicide after sex change and dad wishes he never condoned sons my little pony fetish.

  2. I would say:
    50% Alpha – Because you actually take care of your family/friends. I’m going to go against your wife on this one; Just because you have multiple female friends and you don’t sleep with them doesn’t mean that you are weak. It just means that you know restraint and I think that is a necessary quality of a leader. Also you motivate people to be better even if they are random depressed strangers who you don’t know that well over the interwebz. Oh yeah and you lift.

    35% Gamma – You do whatever you want and that’s great.

    15% Beta – You don’t think you will be great (although this is self humbling and all that stuff but I guess this counts as a weakness?). Also we all read Burnout Kums blagh and say stuff like we aren’t going to make it so that is like automatic beta points.
    For beta I think you need some to not end up being like Paul Carter (lying and all that great stuff)

    • Oh and for me:
      20% Alpha – I don’t lack the quality of a leader, it’s just I prefer not to be one. I rarely bring peoples mood up or help them unless I know them and like them. I will step up if its necessary and the last option or if I’m drunk.
      40% Gamma – I’m outspoken and make my intentions clear before hand and usually end up doing whatever I want (until it comes my crush then I don’t seem to be able to do any of those things).
      40% Beta – I prefer to be self kept (I haven’t made any new friends since highschool 3 years ago). I’m not outgoing or exciting. I also haven’t gotten laid in like 3 years and my family thought I was gay until my crush came along. Maybe ill ask my crush to do one of these for me she knows me better than I do. Also I’m not going to make it.

      • from knowing you from your blog, I actually think that’s a pretty astute self-assessment. but I think everyone is better served having someone they know do it for them. Re: gamma – I think after my definition a lot of guys will think it’s cool and interpret it as being a “edgy lone wolf.” BUT , you seem anti-social enough to be the real deal. Congratulations on being 40% terrorism suspect.
        Alpha – playing in superbowl
        Beta – making this blog comment on my laptop during super bowl
        Gamma – American male honestly not knowing Super Bowl is today
        Fake-Gamma = Beta – Saying the word “rugby” at any time today.

    • @Siddhant the Destroyer breaking down my percentages: Thanks man, that’s another, charitable, take. I tried not to influence my wife besides making sure she understood the definitions. The true Paul Carter is more beta than he thinks.

      • Well I’m not playing in the Super Bowl but I did watch the first half. I thought Bruno Mars was real good but I friggin hate rara America shit. Now I’m going to bed because it’s past 830 and I always go to bed at 830. Beta, beta, gamma, beta.

  3. I’m probably something like 25% Alpha, 5% Gamma, and 70% Beta…

    Alpha – I’m confident and display leadership qualities in situations and environments I’m familiar with. I also look like an alpha.

    Gamma – I have a biting/sarcastic streak of humor, but it only rarely comes out. Otherwise I am extremely agreeable, and I have very few people that I dislike. Also generally assume the best of people.

    Beta – Quite hesitant and subordinate in situations I’m unfamiliar with. Especially with girls: am virgin. (Again, comes down to familiarity.) Rather self-deprecating. And have nerdy hobbies. Liked the first few seasons of MLP.

    • sounds reasonable. lose your cherry and beta will drop to 50 or below, IMO. You might be 0 Gamma. And I do not get the MLP thing. Maybe it’s because I’m older and watched cartoons in the 80s, but when MLP or strawberry shortcake would come on for a second, my brother and I would howl in agony and dive for the TV set to change the channel. (Though I admit to liking Jem, but only bc her and the Holograms made my tiny pee-pee tingle.)

      • Oh, make no mistake, as youngsters, my brothers and I would react much the same way to that gen of MLP. But we stopped watching Cartoon Network, or where ever they showed that show, and so, when we were older, we were more receptive when they came out with the new series, which, while it still had the same pastel color scheme, was much better produced. I’ve lost interest in the newer seasons, though…

  4. I have to say I’m impressed with your wife’s assessment. She’s clearly put some thought into it.

    I think my wife would put me at 40% Alpha, 60% Gamma. Or maybe the other way round. In reality I’m more or less an even split between Beta and Gamma, but have mastered Alpha-mimicry to an advanced degree.

    • hard to say if that’s right. You certainly seem alpha, if only because you are the only one here who doesn’t thtink that Dorian Yates is the pinnacle of it (i jest. Sort of) Also don’t you have a high-paying “real” job that doesn’t involve being shot at? I mean you might make more than all other mopers combined? But yeah, alpha-mimicry can be Beta (Andy from the Office) or it can be Gamma (Patrick Bateman).
      Bret would be another interesting case study.

      • “high-paying “real” job”

        Dunno about high paying. It’s decent, I guess, but it’s not like I do Mergers and Acquisitions like Bateman, or sell stocks, or plow through $2,000 of coke a week. I see myself more like a weightlifting version of Milton Waddams.

  5. I can’t stop thinking about this question and why it is that I am Beta-gamma-alpha. Thinking back to when I was 14 and younger I was a total alpha dog. Wicked good at sports, always in charge, confident, etc… Then, at 15 I discovered internet porn and marijuana. Literally a decade and a half of watching dudes with dicks 2x, 3x, 4x (!) the size of mine blast all over impossibly attractive women, coupled with the anti social nature of being a stoner, have pushed me way into gamma beta territory. I think any alpha behavior/outbursts I have now are angry reactions to thinking how my life could have been if I had remained confident and in charge through my late teen/early 20s. I’d still have a small dick though…

    • Huh, I’ve gotten more confident as I’ve gotten older. Though, as a virgin, I have yet to have my ability/inability to please women become a defining part of my psyche…

      • Wo Bist Du, You need a sweet married woman to take you by the dong and pop your precious cherry. I lost my virginity when I was 21 to a 42 year old married cougar. And though I fizzled my pop 15 seconds in, an older woman finds this refreshing and flattering, especially when her husbands rapidly declining T levels leave her yearning for anything moderately hard. Plus, as a young buck, the time it takes to recover is nil, so back in the saddle you go and everyone’s happy. Also, when performing under the threat of “husband might return”, no one needs a marathon man. Now as I get older, I look forward to my loving wife spreading wide for some shithead teenager so the karmic cycle can be completed. I also look forward to prostate cancer due to years of chronic masturbation.

    • Pot will literally freeze your social development at the age at which you start smoking heavily. cf Beavis and Butthead. So you are 15. It’s cool, man. It’s reversible. also sounds like your wang is too. rimshot.

      but whatever man, i don’t care if you’re gay or straight – who likes to look at porn where the guy has a little tiny dick. I want to see those whores get hammered.

      dollars to donuts fatman either doesn’t look at porn or watches girl-ouly stuff.

      • lolled a ton. Joe Rogan has a bit about being disappointed when a guy busts a small load, berating him for not saving up for a couple days. Then he wonders what exactly is turning him on.

    • i reject those other categories. There is no “too cool for school” class. There’s the football hero. Alpha. There’s the lead in the school play who rejects sports and tells people he’s a vampire – and gets laid with hot chicks. Alpha. Then there’s the guy who doesn’t want to play sports and thinks the vampire/actor is weird. Beta. If he thinks he’s a vampire but doesn’t get laid – Beta+++. If he gets arrested for breaking into peoples houses and literally drinking their blood. That’s Gamma, son.

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