The Guacamole King

A one-act play.

Scene: Utter blackness. Two voices are heard: WAITER, who speaks with a snooty English accent; and AMERICAN, with the commanding baritone voice of one used to being obeyed.

Waiter: Sir, would you perchance like some guacamole with your chicken?

American: Yes.  Yes I would.  Double guacamole for me.

Waiter: Double guacamole, sir?

American: Make it triple.

Waiter: Sir, may I suggest that – in addition to being prohibitively expensive – triple guacamole may overpower the flavor of your chicken…

American: Triple-double guacamole.

Waiter (spluttering):  I…I’ll have to check with my manager.  This is a most outlandish request!

American: Check with the manager?  I own this restaurant!  That’s right, I’m the owner – The Guacamole King of Chicago!

Waiter: Mr. Christmas?  I beg your pardon sir, I didn’t recognize you.  Terribly sorry.  Please, let me fill your plate with our delicious guacamole.

The lights flash on.  Instead of a fancy restaurant, we see COACH (short, bearded, simian, wearing gray Army sweatpants and a black t-shirt) standing by himself in the kitchen of a squalid apartment.  Childrens’ toys, gaudy powerlifting trophies, and worthless diplomas are strewn everywhere.

Coach stands at a counter, scooping guacamole from a large tupperware onto a plate with a chicken breast on it.

Coach (in “American” voice): That’s right, fill her up, old sport!

Coach (in “Waiter” voice): But sir…

Suddenly, the door to the apartment opens.  Enter KARENA, carrying a shopping bag.

Karena: What are you doing?

Coach (startled, in his own voice): Making lunch.

Karena: Who are you talking to?

Coach: What?

Karena: I heard voices.

Coach: The baby.

Karena (looking around): Where is the baby?

Coach (glancing quickly at closed bedroom door): Um, taking a nap.

Karena folds her arms, frowns.

Karena: So you were talking to the baby – while she slept – through a closed door?

Coach: Uh, well…

Karena: Do you have some guy here with you?  Because I heard male voices.

Coach: No!  Look, I was talking to myself, all right?

Karena: In two different voices?  Okay, that’s kind of creepy.

Coach (in waiter’s voice): Sir! The restaurant is nearly out of guacamole!

Coach scoops another heap of guacamole onto his plate.

Coach (in booming American voice): I don’t care!  I want it all – I’m the Guacamole King!

Karena sighs.

Karena (shaking her head sadly): If I’d have known you were going to act like such a freaking loser, I wouldn’t have bought all those avocados.

FINIS


Yeah, so avocados were on sale and all already ripe, so I made a lot of guacamole.  Went pretty well as you can see.

High Bar Squat: 45×4, 135×3, 225×2, 315, 340, 365, 385, 395

Box Squat (3 – very low): 135×2, 225, 275, 325, 345, 350

High Bar Squat: 345p x 1, 350,355,360,365×1, 345×1,1,1,2,3

Standing Mil Press: 45×10, 95×4, 135×5, 140×4

DB Bench: 3 sets

Incline Pushups: 1 set

Tri Pushdown: 2 sets

RDL: 135×3, 205×2, 275, 345, 365, 385×3; 290×2,3

1:45

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4 thoughts on “The Guacamole King

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