If you read my past posts, you’ll see that I spend a good portion of time making fun of Crossfit and crossfitters.
I used to do crossfit myself. Apparently I was even doing it in 2005, as this guest post by Mr. Veinz indicates. (I don’t know why I used to write like I was Napoleon Dynamite. Shameful. But I really did kick a 6’10 guy in the face. Long story.)
Crossfit was pretty good to me. Never did a muscle up, but I got better at a lot of things that I sucked at. Ring Dips. Throwing a medicine ball at a wall. Rowing Machine. Lost a lot of fat. I was decent at it I guess. I would look at the other times posted on the website and, well, I’d be in the middle somewhere.
Then I decided I wanted to focus on one sport – powerlifting.
So why do I hate crossfit? First, here are some things about crossfit that don’t bother me:
- High Rep Olympic Lifts are Dangerous! Never hurt me. Never hurt a lot of people. Be more careful.
- Crossfit makes you weak! Listen, everyone sucks at stuff when they start. If you have a distance running or sedentary background, you will get stronger, but it’s not designed to turn you into Ed Coan. Still, the top guys/women work hard at their olympic lifts & power lifts. It’s part of their sport. But not their whole sport.
- They throw the bar down, use too much chalk, lift with their shirts off, lay down after workouts, take selfies, etc. Free country. What you do with your box is up to you.
- It’s for rich yuppies. Crossfit is free. It’s a website. True, I’ve never been to a “box” because I don’t have $150 a month to workout.
- The workouts are just random! Do an old one if you don’t like it. Do one of the variants (crossfit football, etc) that have sprung up over the last few years.
- In one weekend, you can get “certified” Ever heard of the joke that is ACE? No “certified” crossfit trainer has ever interfered with me.
- Greg Glassman is a fat prick. Crossfit HQ was mean to me. I only know about this because I like reading funny blogs about crossfit drama.
- The crossfit games were not done right! What is the crossfit games? I imagine people doing crossfit in some big stadium? I’m too lazy to google it, or care.
- The chicks dress like hookers. Enough chicks – who don’t do crossfit – dress like hookers in my own gym that I’m pretty sure these attention whores would just be slutting it up in a TaeBo class if crossfit never existed.
- You can get rhabdo! If you have unprotected anal sex with a prostitute in Kinshasha you can get AIDS. Just don’t over-exert yourself and you’ll be fine.
If you’re some fatfuck powerlifter (hint: a double bodyweight raw squat is not great, even if you weigh 320) who likes to make fun of crossfit because of any of the above reasons, don’t look at me like you have found a kindred spirit.
So what is my beef? It’s actually with the people who do workouts “inspired by crossfit.” I’m not even talking about REAL crossfit/crossfitters when I make fun of them in this blog. I’m talking about the people who come to my gym and do the following workout:
- Find a partner. You can only do a “crossfit” workout with someone you’re sleeping with. A personal trainer can guide you but you have to be sleeping with them. Monday and Wednesday mornings my gym has a
crossfitcross-training class. You can sleep with the instructor or someone else in the class.
- Attire self properly: booty shorts and sports bra for women, even if they are pudgy. Vibram barefoot shoes are recommended for men. The rest of the workout gear varies, but is always expensive. Alternate footwear is acceptable only if it costs over $100 and is over 70% neon-colored. Gloves are mandatory for both men and women.
- Warm up on cardio equipment for between 10 (men) to 90 (women) minutes.
- Foam roll, do mobility drills, stretch, use the agility ladder and bullshit with your pals. Men, this is a good way to kill time while you’re waiting for your lady to get off the cardio machine.
- The first part of the workout is strength training. The events will be as follows: partial front squat with 10 kilo bumpers. Power clean with 10 lb bumpers. Trap Bar deadlift with 25 lb bumpers. Quarter squats with 135 lbs. Add in two random machine exercises (smith machine lunges and cable curls seem to be favorites) and one random dumbbell exercise (can’t go wrong with kickbacks). IMPORTANT: All of these events must be set up simultaneously or the workout is not “elite” enough. You can get a good met-con by sprinting back and forth across the gym telling people “don’t unload that! I’m still using it”
- The next part of the workout is bodyweight exercises: Kipping pullups in sets of 6. “Perfect pushup handles” for sets of 8. 10 Squat thrus…I mean burpees. Hanging knee raises using those armpit supports. 10 kettlebell swings with 10% BW.
- The third part of the workout is “Elite Core Training”. Push the empty prowler. Shake those battle ropes. Flip the 100 pound tire. Just like the strongmen on ESPN! Now hit it with a sledgehammer for one minute. Wow, you’re 1/480 as tough as a blue-collar worker! Ladies only: Channel your inner feminist strength goddess by leaning 5 degrees back from vertical and pulling yourself back and forth on the TRX suspension trainer. It’s just as empowering as a chinup!
- Women, get back on the cardio machine! You need cardio to make you lean and sexy. Men, repeat step 4.
Honestly, if I ever saw any “crossfitter” at my gym doing something that looked remotely like any WOD ever posted in the history of the internet, I’d probably pass out from shock. I never thought I’d say this, but I just wish Nautilus, spinning classes, or jogging with handweights would become popular again.