Gym Cop

Today there were two crossfitters doing cleans.  At least one was a lesbian (butch haircut, spare tire, knee brace, looked like a softball catcher).  The other one was good-looking, and I plan to do a whole post about our interactions, so stay tuned.

Also, Red Birdman and his anorexic twin were back at it.  Learn about them in Scene Two.  Unfortunately they did not bring Katie Holmes with them today.  In the world of my dreams, women are attracted to men solely based on how much weight they can move in compound free-weight exercises.  Since I am the strongest guy at my gym (except in non-drug-tested cheat incline bench press – it’s a weak gym, okay?) I have droit du seigneur.  Anyway, back to reality.

I look over to see what they were doing. Standing dumbbell military presses.  With 15 lbs for the White Kenyan, and 20 lbs for Red.  When Skinny is done with his set, he just drops the dumbbells on the floor.  Wow, I think.  What a nerd.

I momentarily forget about them because I need to refill my water bottle.  On the way, there, over the loud rap music in my headphones, I hear this: BWUNG!  I jump like a foot off the ground.  (Like a stereotypical old army guy, I’m kind of touchy about sudden loud noises.)  Red has just taken the 20s and literally spiked them from shoulder height.  They bounce erratically across the dumbbell area.

I turn to him.  “Seriously, dude?  You really gotta throw those on the ground?”  Then I just walk away before he can reply.  Dunno if anyone besides Red and Skinny heard me.  Maybe.  I didn’t yell, but the gym was pretty crowded. 

A few minutes later I relate this story to John, a 20 year old bodybuilder, who is my favorite bench spotter.

“You know that redheaded guy just graduated from police academy?” he says.

“All right, fine.  Now he’ll probably arrest me for no reason.  Whatever.  I’ll arrest him for dumbbell rape.”

Then I see John talking to them.  I guess he was maybe their friend, or maybe they were asking him about me.  Probably went something like this:

Red: That guy just yelled at me for dropping a dumbbell.

John: Seriously, don’t mess with him; he can curl your max deadlift. 

Or more likely, this:

Red: Can you believe the nerve of that arrogant prick?

John: Ahh, leave him alone, he’s got enough problems.

Anyhow, about 20 minutes later, Red comes up to me. 

I take my headphones off.  Here we go.

“Can I use the bumper plates…if you’re not gonna use them or anything?”

IOW basically rolling over and showing me his belly.

Enough about that nonsense…

High Bar Squat: 45×4, 115×3, 180×2, 240, 295, 335, 365, 385, 405, 415; 335, 340, 345, 350, 355, 360, 365, 370, 375, 335,340,345×2

Front Squat (all beltless and paused): 135×3, 185×2, 190, 195, 200, 205, 210, 215, 220, 225, 230, 235

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Floor Press: 45×8, 135×3, 185×2, 225, 255, 275, 285

RDL: 135×3, 205×2, 275, 345, 355×3; 260×2, 265×4

355 was hard to hold onto, even with hook grip, but i kept my back nice and arched.

Bent Row: 2 sets

Lat Pulldown: 2 sets

Cable Crossover: 2 sets

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11 thoughts on “Gym Cop

  1. impressive with the floor presses! (in the future, I might start doing that exercise as well. I might also be a billionare. we’ll see what comes first.)

    regarding the two guys. I think what you did was spot on. it sucks to be “that guy”, but at the same time you can’t let stupidity run rampant. I watch “Idiocracy” from time to time to find motivation for increased grumpiness.

  2. OT: what kind of shoes to wear when lifting? I currently don’t use shoes at all (dirty socks ftw!) and I don’t feel like buying Reebok CrossFit Ultra Dura Mega etc etc. so, all stars? do-win? is the heel really necessary?

    • i’ve been lifting in all-stars since 2001. Work great. For comps only, I dl in wrestling shoes. Have been wanting to try heeled WL shoes lately to see if they help with high bar squats. Barefoot/sock lifting is unstable but I would say better than running shoes or god forbid, basketball.

      • I wear Oly shoes for both LB and HB squats. Before I had them I lifted barefoot.

        I don’t think you’ll see a significant jump in weights (at least I didn’t), but overall I feel more stability when I wear them.

    • Get some cheap store brand Converse knockoffs/other flat canvas shoe if you want a cheap shoe. For plyometric stuff, look for indoor track shoes. Indoor track shoes are stupid light and are basically like better versions of “barefoot” shoes like Vivos, Merell, etc. The only issue with them for lifting is you can rock on your toes more in them compared to a flat shoe, as they’re slightly curved to make jumping easier. They’re also cheap, on sale you can find a last year’s model for like $20-40 online, compared to like $100 for Merell/etc.

      Also lifting shoes are basically magic. All your joints and stuff will hurt way less in them and life will be 2-3x better.

  3. When I used to go to the gym (have a home setup now) there was a guy who would quarter squat 315x12x4 take a hour or more. One day while I was doing 315×6 below parallel he came up to me and told me my knees were sticking out too much and I was going to bust them. I wonder if he is is quarter squatting 400s now.

  4. Pingback: Stop Being So Nice | Coach's Blog

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