Boats ‘n’ Hoes

Yesterday was an abomination of a “workout” in my parents’ basement.  I did some front squats and then just got depressed with the whole setup.  I’m not going to go into why it sucks to lift there; it would take too long.  If I had no place else to lift, I could make it work.  I’d need more plates, but I could manage. Working out in that dump is like boning a fat chick.  Some guys have to deal with it every day, but if there’s an alternative, you’d rather not.  After a few front squats, I pulled on my bands for a while then called it a day.

Today I got to the gym back home in the evening.  At first I was the only one lifting on the gym floor.  Then the hot stripper came in to train next to me.  She worked up to 95 lb squats to almost parallel and some 135 lb slow-mo deadlifts.  Then a bunch of other guys came in and I hoped that maybe they would think that because we were the only two people lifting and we were training next to each other that she was my girlfriend.  I don’t think this thought would have entered any rational observer’s mind, but delusional fantasies (e.g. a lot of girls get wet watching me lift weights; I’m going to win the World Powerlifting Championships in front of 50,000 fans at MSG; I’m a Visigoth war chieftain) are my major motivators at this point.

Some college guy replaced the hot girl at the squat rack next to mine.  He worked up to an almost parallel set of 245×3.  (hint: unlaced hi-tops are not good footwear for squatting).  His buddies, who were doing machine nonsense, wandered over frequently to hold long conferences with him.  I wanted to hear what they were saying so I surreptitiously turned off my headphones.  I expected it to be something like this:

Yeah, squats totally blast and shock the quadriceps.  I’m a member of and Mehdi says that…

But instead it was this:

So, we’re definitely getting a couple of 12-packs.  But we need hard liquor too, right?

Then I listened in again about 20 minutes later (during which time Mr. Big Squats had done 3 sets):

All right, so Jagermeister.  And Bud Light.  I’m thinking we should get tequila…

Whatever, that was pretty much all *I* talked about when I was 20.  But good God, why not do some sets and discuss it in the locker room afterwards like normal folks.  Alcoholic pussies.  They’re probably getting laid right now while I type this.  Probably triple-teaming that stripper.

High Bar Squat: 45×4, 95×3, 135×2, 175, 215, 255, 295, 335, 365, 385, 405

Thanks to the slut next to me, I managed to hit 405, even though 365 felt heavy.

Bot Pos Squat: #12 315, 365, 390, #10 405, 465

Knee sore so I didn’t go for 500 @ #9.  It was one of those imaginary pains where my brain fools me so that I don’t punish my body anymore.  Cleared up by my second set of volume.

High Bar Squat: 315, 320, 325, 330, 335, 340, 345, 350, 355, 360

Floor Press: 95×3, 165×3, 215×2, 255, 265, 275; 185,190,195,200,205,210,215,220,225×3, 230×4

RDL: 165×3, 235×2, 305, 325, 345×3; 250,255×3

Horizontal Row: 2 sets

Towel Neck


4 thoughts on “Boats ‘n’ Hoes

  1. My church has a 110lb set of cement filled weights with a barbell made of pipe that are left hanging around a community center only used by old folks to play cards. I might be able to get these weights if I ask nicely.

    Would they be useful for anything? Maybe practicing bent presses on my porch? Front raises? Curls? I could buy some dumbbell handles if it doesn’t already come with them?

    I mean it’s a standard bar and cement weights from the 70s. That’d be a pretty depressing setup, right?

  2. I’d try to get them. If you always can get to a gym, then that is better. But if even one day, you do some exercises at the house instead, it would be worth it.

    Here’s the deal: I used to lift on these weights in the basement during college summer breaks. I had cardboard down on the floor to do bent rows and stiff leg deadlifts on. (there is carpet under the bench/rack but it is not big enough). Also, back then, 200-300 lbs was plenty to bench and even (hi-rep) squat with. Now my dad has taken it over and he leaves stacks of newspapers and stuff all over the place. And I only am over there like once a month anyhow.

    Even just curls and reverse curls would be worth getting the weights IMO.

  3. motivators are fun. I pretend I’m impressively big and strong, which I am compared to the other people who come to the gym early mornings, and everything feels great for an hour or so. then it’s back to normal. 🙂

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