[Picture of a guy cramming a foam roller up his rectum.jpg]
Caption: Joe DiFranco, apparently not satisfied with wasting America’s time with the “Agile 8” has now released the “Limber 11” Next – the “Fruity 14”
Listen, I am grossly unqualified to tell you how to warm up if you are:
- grievously injured (note: if you injured yourself lifting weights, you are dumb)
- about to hurdle, kickbox, pitch in the World Series or do any manner of things that ARE NOT LIFTING WEIGHTS for general strength/raw powerlifting
- Real Old. 30 is not old. 35 is not old. You should not be “slowing down” at 35 unless you are getting ready to retire after 15+ years of pro sports/the infantry. 40 is not old. How old is Real Old? I’ll let you know when I get there. But feel free to ignore my advice if you have a. mostly gray hair b. a beard like Santa c. grandkids.
Otherwise, here’s how to warm up in three easy steps (really two):
1. Wear Warm Clothes. Warmer than the conditions would normally require. The least clothing you should wear to the gym is T-shirt and shorts. And that is if your gym is Roasting hot. I workout in a sweat shirt, t-shirt, baggy shorts (I hate squatting in long pants, but if I absolutely must, i.e it’s 40 degrees in the gym, I’ ll wear wind pants over top at least for my warmups), long soccer-type socks (for deadlifting) and a beanie/ball cap. Of course you may remove layers as you warm up.
If you are male and you work out in a tanktop, you are no doubt a vain, image-obsessed, muscle-pumper who likes ogling themseves in the mirror, and/or who likes to flex to “impress” other men & women in the gym. Please stay away from the weights and go directly to the tanning booths where there are better mirrors, and maybe an orgy.
If you are female and you work out in a) sports bra b) belly shirt c) booty pants – you are a whore who likes to show off her goods in public. Again, stay away from the weights in case chlamydia becomes airborne-transmittable. Go lie on the mats and do some
leg spreading stretching IOT better accomplish your real purpose in attending a gym.
2. Lift Weights. Start with the bar. Do 10 reps. Do less if you get bored. Do more if you are sore or old. I like to get a good stretch with the bar on this first set only. Note: Don’t go crazy. Like pause deep in the hole on a couple of squats. Or do a couple bench presses to your neck.
Then add weight like this (for a single with 315): 45 (bar) x10, 95×6, 135×4, 185×3, 225×2, 275×1, 295×1.
3. Do not do any of these things before you lift heavy weights: foam rolling, stretchng, lunges, cardio, running, jogging, stretching, band-pulling, anything with a stability ball, anything with a kettlebell, waving your arms around, hopping, stretching, riding the exercise bike, stretching, or talking to other people (asking about when you can work in, or nodding hello are acceptable)
These things waste your time, tire you out, have no purpose, cost money and/or make you look foolish.