Guys I hate at the Gym – 2013 edition, volume 1

Joe Ineffectual – This skinny wimp always wears the exact same thing – sleeveless Underarmor to display his rippling 14 inch pythons.

Because we train at a commercial gym (sorry, let me rephrase this – *I* train and he wastes oxygen), we don’t have official Westside Barbell ™ boxes for box squats.  I don’t usually give people unsolicited advice – maybe 2 times in the last year. But I usually pipe up when I have some facility-related advice I think people can use – like where the locker room is, or that the gym has a dip belt stashed behind the Smith machine.  So this dipsh*it drags a flat bench over to the power rack and starts doing box squats down to it.  Never mind that he comes crashing down in a spine-mashing manner.  That is not my business.  But to be a helpful guy, I mention that a good thing to use are the aerobic steps hidden in the other room.  They are just as long, wider, and they can support at least 700 lbs (have you seen some of those women?). Also you can adjust the depth, because squatting to a bench is only parallel in most cases if you are 6’6″. 

He blew me off, saying that he liked to squat to a bench, “even though the guys at Crossfit where I used to lift, made fun of me” 

In the two years he’s been going to the gym, he has never gone heavier than 250 on his atrociously deformed box half-squats.  Twice I have saved his life, when he got stuck on the bench and started to do a seated good-morning while whimpering.  Once was with 245, and the second time was with 240 about 6 months later.  So clearly he is getting weaker with time!  And still hasn’t learned the purpose of the bottom pins in a power rack.

I do not care how weak he is.  And saving his life actually makes me feel better about myself. But he takes up space in the power rack when I want to use it.  He uses his Iphone to either time his rest between sets or calculate his weights.  Here’s a quick math question that I can do in my head.  Ready?  What is 72.5% of 250 lbs?  Answer:  WEAK.  Most anyone who uses an iPhone in the gym is a sissy because very few have the mental fortitude to resist watching videos and sending text messages when they should be lifting.

Ideally you should leave your phone in your car or locker.  I can remember 2 times I brought my phone to the gym: when my wife was in labor, and when my son was having frequent (daily) asthma attacks that sometimes required hospitalization.

To reiterate: there is nothing at all wrong with being weak if you are a beginner, or if you have some debilitating injury/sickness.  But I want to ask him “Bro, you are here all the time, why do you suck so much?”  There are high school kids who work out with double the weight he uses (on bench and deadlift – high schoolers don’t squat because it is a proven fact that it is hard)

One female friend also takes issue with the fact that his pants fall down below his ass everytime he does kipping pullups.  Which I have never noticed, but I’ll take her word for it.

Summary of reasons to hate:

  1. Bad influence on others – I caught some young lads emulating his doofy box squat antics
  2. Takes up space in the power rack
  3. Spurns good advice
  4. Gives weight-training and Americans a bad name.  I hope that he is from Massachussetts (since we live close to the border) a state known to be full of pussies – and not the Granite State. 

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