Jolicloud Sucks

So I have this netbook and a couple of years ago, for some reason, I decided to get rid of Windows XP and install Linux.

Why did I do this?  Did Windows stop working?  I know that Windows is not great on netbooks.  Maybe I just got frustrated with it. Was I drunk? Maybe I thought I was being trendy or a hacker.  I really can’t remember.

Ubuntu ran really slowly IIRC, or it wouldn’t install.  I then remember looking for NETBOOK-SPECIFIC OSs.  Some of these were out of date by 2008 or had been created and maintained by one hermit on a web forum: Moblin something, or Eazy-Peasy Linux, or EEElinux.  Then I found Jolicloud. And it was the bomb.

It looked like a mobile phone.  You had your apps on your desktop– regular progams like OpenOffice, which you could DL right from the OS.  There were utilities like File Manager.  You could also use some webpage like Gmail or Dropbox as apps.  Cool.

jolicloud-11-launcher Good.

Supposedly there was also a way to get on to someone else’s computer, login to Jolicloud and see your own desktop and get at your files (I think thru Dropbox), but I never really did this so I can’t comment on it.

It was set up based on some form of Ubuntu, so you could, if you were brave, open a terminal window and screw around.

It made my netbook fun again for what I wanted to use it for.  You know, open it up, click the Gmail button and send email, write a blog post, or read PDF files.  Surf the web.  Oh wait, gotta go, close the netbook, take it with me.  You know, stuff like Ipad users do, but I had a better keyboard, $600 more in my bank account, and Apple didn’t own my soul.

Then I got a Kindle Fire and gave the netbook to my mom.  Things were still good.  I reinstalled the OS, and put links to all the webmail portals she liked on the home screen.  Her and my dad would go on vacation, and email and go to knitting and hiking websites respectively.

Things were so good that I put Joli on my son’s sluggish Windows netbook – (he’s 6 – it was a gift from a generous relative).  And he could figure it out. 

I even installed it briefly on my old desktop when Windows crapped out.  I needed too many different programs, and files and basically Joli is a netbook OS so that didn’t work out, but no hard feelings.

But then… [storm clouds, ominous music]..they changed it.  It became Jolidrive, Joli OS, or maybe Jolicloud (they changed the name at least 3 times).  Whatever they call it, they updated something to version 1.2, and went “Full Cloud”.  This was not an optional update.  I woke up one morning, tried to use my son’s computer and WTF.

1. First of all, there were like 3 login screens.  One to get onto the computer, one to log into Joliworld, one for Facebook.  Now, okay, let’s say you make the computer username/password something like Rex/password, so your 6 year old can remember it.  But on any online service, that username will certainly be taken and that password not suitable, so now you’ve got to login again with Rex244/pword1234$.  Then Facebook, WTF, why do you keep bothering me?  You are not for 6 year olds.  You could cancel that one, but it would reappear every login and at random other times.  I started writing all the passwords down on a piece of tape next to the touchpad. 

800px-Roman_writing_tablet_02this is what it looked like in about 3 minutes

2. Instead of apps, you get a list of online services. Boxy and and whatever.  Like I’m going to sign up for all 27 of these turds.  And if you want to do anything else with the computer, you better hope the Joli team wants you to have it – and orally satisfied the designers properly – or that service will not be available.


3. Good luck finding your local files.

4. Good luck finding a browser window.  Somehow, after 10 minutes I got to one on my son’s computer.  I think by opening different apps and clicking Alt-F1, or some such mess.  On my mom’s, I simply could not do it under any circumstances.

5. Good luck doing jacksh*t if you are not connected to the internet.

They even SOLD a computer with this as the OS. Needless to say, that won 57 awards and nobody wanted one.  I’m pretty sure they are trying to give these bricks to 3rd World schoolchildren as we speak.

One thing the Jolicloud team is good at is PR.  All over the internet in the guise of news articles ninnies are gushing over its “cloud connectivity” and “reorganizing our online lives”.

9004760908_c564f256c0actual caption: “Attendees being impressed by Jolidrive ;)”

Here, give me your computer, your tablet and everything else you own and I’ll replace the OS’s with Jolicloud.  Now how do you like it, suckers?

I’m sorry for denying you #6-#999 from the big hilarious list of why Jolicloud is garbage, but I’m not a masochist – I uninstalled that crap on both computers post-haste. Ubuntu on one, Lubuntu on the other. Fortunately, I got to my mom’s computer before she went out of town with this POS or I’d be getting 54345 tech support phone calls:

  • “Where is my email?”
  • “I think it has a virus”
  • “My password doesn’t work”
  • “Now it wants another password”
  • “It wants my facebook”
  • “What did you do to it?”
  • “Make the old way come back”
  • “What is”
  • “How do I make internet?”

And I’d probably be disinherited.


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