This week our stupid mandatory training was three one-hour classes.
On Tuesday, we had “TSGLI” which stands for “Traumatic something life insurance”. I spent the first fifteen minutes listening carefully, then I realized that in no way was I eligible for something like this, so I spent the next fifteen minutes figuring out how I could leave politely. The class was good, it just didn’t apply. The teacher was some sergeant who went from post to post talking to soldiers about this. I felt bad. Usually the bad classes are taught by nice people. About 30 minutes in, some kid had a doctors appt and got up to leave, so I got up and followed him, like I had one too.
On Thursday, our first class was “Cholesterol and Nutrition”. Fortunately, I know enough to bring a book to these things. I brought “Cursed from Birth”, by David Ohle (and Billy Burroughs) a really sad book about Billy Burroughs, the writer and son of William S. Burroughs. During this class I learned some important nutrition facts like:
1. Junk food is bad for you
2. Protein causes kidney stones
3. if you’re hungry for meat, eat some raisins, they’re more filling because they have water in them
4. instead of granola bars, eat poptarts. LOGIC: since some granola bars have a lot of sugar in them, you should just eat a poptart because they taste better.
The second class was Creative Problem Solving. it was taught by a long white-haired, bearded dude who claimed that he had 22 years in the military. After which he immediately started taking acid daily. His assistant was some dude who kept telling us he used to work for a corporation. Wow, a real corporation! What’s funny, is I learned about creative problem solving in Challenge class in 2nd grade from Ms. Foley.
What’s not funny is that these guys get paid to teach classes like this. I finished my book. Since the class was scheduled to end at 11, that’s when I got up and left.
The next day I got yelled at. The sign in sheet had a space for email, like I want any of these clowns sending me email. So I wrote down “firstname.lastname@example.org” and “email@example.com” on the sheets. Apparently they knew that they were fake.