Everything I write on this blog is true, with the exception of obvious exaggerations. For example, if I say in one of my posts that I had nine drinks and beat up a transvestite hooker, that is true. You just think it’s an exaggeration because nine drinks seems like a lot.
I keep a separate journal which is full of lies. It immediately diverges from the truth which appears here at about the point where I wake up. My regular days are full of classes, hanging around in the Army, letting doctors probe at me, writing pages of lies, reading good books, going to the gym, coming home, playing with Rex, eating dinner, putting Rex to bed, watching movies with Karena, writing more lies, fooling around on the Internet, taking Spanish class online and going to bed.
On the weekends, less classes, Army and doctors, more of the rest. When it’s warm, we try to go somewhere. We go to IHOP, the state fair, for a walk, to the store. All my friends are gone, so I sometimes call or email them, or call my parents.
In the lie journal, I live like a Viking. I savagely kill people who offend me in minor ways. I commit crimes, and most of the seven deadly sins in one day. I cheat on my wife with girls both real and imaginary. I take drugs, drink enough to kill a horse, and slap transvestite hookers. Someday Karena will find the lie journal and I will have to explain myself. I’ll show her this blog post. I toy with the idea of writing LIE JOURNAL on top of each entry, but the idea is that when I die, someone will find them and they will become part of my biography. Future generations will understand that their grandfather was a bloodthirsty barbarian and be pleased.
“Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a viking.” – Ralph Wiggum
Note: some people actually interpret this quote to mean that Ralph is a “viking of sleep” i.e. that he excels at it. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.