It seems that lately, the major focus of this blog has been to rant about commercials. My life is not very interesting. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I spend most of my time writing and working on college classes.

The latest commercial I’ll lambast is for GM. GM now operates on the following business model:

1. Take money from the government
2. Spend it.
3. Fail.
4. See step #1

It’s like someone having a garage sale that loses money, then using their welfare check to buy more junk to sell at the next garage sale.

The commercial shows a small child playing baseball. “It’s time for a comeback. It’s time to put on our rally caps.” Montage of people putting on the rally cap (inside out baseball cap – you’d know if you ever played Little League before the mercy rule was invented). All-American man. Sporty people. Ethnic people. People welding GM vehicles. Back to All-American man, who gives the camera a look as if he caught it buying a foreign car.

So, should I invest my money in a GM vehicle, or just send them cash in the mail to save the government trouble?

Tonight was the NCAA basketball final. I wasn’t sure who to root for. Here are my criteria:

1. North Carolina – How many times do I want to hear what an outstanding citizen Tyler Hansbrough is? I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I sort of hope he gets in some minor non-life-ruining trouble just to make them be quiet. Like getting a tattoo on his face and jaywalking. On the other hand, there seems to be a memo out that told the broadcasters how gay this is and made them lay off a tiny bit. On the third hand, they are Duke’s arch-nemesis and the epitome of evil Their fans are communist hypocrite Nazi perverts. Allegedly. Rooting for them would be like rooting for Satan.

2. Michigan State – Hey, did you know Detroit is near Michigan State? Boy, this economically beleagured state could sure use a victory to cheer them up. All those people welding with their rally caps on are rooting for Michigan State. Did you know that the stadium holds 70,000 people? Wow, this will be like a home game for Michigan State, only 90 miles from Detroit. Did you know that Magic Johnson played for Michigan State! What fun! Obama’s ultimatum: If Michigan State loses, GM fails!

Blurg. I rooted for Michigan State, since you can’t root for NC ever and call yourself a Duke fan. Also I think Lupe Izzo is hot. Michigan State rewarded me by playing the game in slow motion and falling behind 72-0 in the first minute. Rex was so bored he took off his diaper and ate it. I didn’t notice because I had fallen into a coma.

The suckery began before the first half was over. In case you are wondering, “Suckery” is what basketball announcers do when the winner is clear but the game’s not over. The measure of how good a ball game is how long before the suckery begins.

Examples of suckery: Show graphics of how many titles NC has before they’ve won. Start with the showing of players’ parents, all of whom are inevitably in wheelchairs. “This is the first game Mr. and Mrs. Lawson have been to since they were attacked by that bald eagle, Dick.” Anoint players for the winning team as saints. “Tyler Hansbrough. Not only the greatest basketball player of all time, but the greatest person alive besides Tim Tebow. Roy Williams – Some would say he is not the greatest coach of all time. They’d be members of Al-Qaeda, Jim.”

Of course, if your team is winning, then it’s not suckery. The announcers are finally showing some good sense.


One thought on “Suckery

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