You Are The Fattest Link, Goodbye

Karena likes to watch The Biggest Loser. For some reason, the show is like 2 hours long. I can’t help but watch. It’s like a train wreck. Some observations follow:

1. Every episode has a shameless food plug that goes something like this:
Trainer: Oh no, what are you eating? Donuts?!
Fatty: No, these are Snackwell Air Donuts. They have negative calories in them.
Trainer: Really? Let me try one. Wow, it’s good, Negative Calories, huh?
Fatty: Yeah, they actually make you poop more than you eat.
Trainer: That’s great! etc.

2. Some positive comments for once: It’s good that the contestants actually lose weight. It motivates people to work out. I think most of America should get a turn as a contestant. That said…

3. Seriously, why are you crying so much? So you have to kick some fat old broad off the island. You’ve known her for six weeks. Sobbb. You lost 2 pounds. Wahhh. You had to switch trainers. WeeEEP. You haven’t seen your family in three weeks. Bawl.

4. Ok, you walked a mile, or lost 8 pounds. Does this really merit a fanfare of trumpets and the epic music from the D-Day scene of a war movie?

5. I kept making fun of the host, saying that she was getting fatter while the contestants get skinnier. Then I found out she was pregnant. My bad.

6. The father guy has managed to stay on the show for endless weeks by whining about how he needs to be there to help his son. Or he’s crying about letting him down. Please show mercy – he just wants to be a good dad. He’s shamed everyone into not kicking him off, while every week he gets closer to a million dollars. He also seems to have 8 tits.

7. This show is best watched in fast forward. Everything takes forever. The scale flip flops back and forth. If you weigh 200, it goes to 120, then 280, then 319, then 163, then … for like a minute. That doesn’t add suspense, it just makes me mad. And the weigh-ins take 40 minutes because they cut to commercial nine times, always right before you see someone’s weight, (but after cutting to everyone looking astonished or horrified or possibly having some sort of seizure)

8. I wonder how the producers are going to work the finale. Usually the show is 12 weeks long or something and the people go from like 280 to 180. A lot of the contestants this time around weighted 400 pounds. So they’ve been working hard and they’ve lost 8 pounds a week for 15 weeks. That’s 120 pounds, but you’re still 280. And fat. So will they make the show go for 30 weeks?

9. I like to make Karena mad by saying about the female competitors, “She may have lost a hundred pounds, but she’s still TFTF.” The first TF is “too fat” You can figure out the second part yourself.

10. I think the model chicks purposely gained 100 pounds so they could get on the show and get attention.

11. Karena claims that I said that she should be on the show. I don’t remember saying that.  However, I did once say “You are the fattest link, goodbye”.  It was mean and untrue; she’s actually quite small. I just thought it was funny and it popped out of my mouth. Then she wouldn’t speak to me for 2 weeks.

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