You Can’t Say Bomb On A Plane


Above: I’d hit it.

Today: +2
Days Rated: 193
Average Day: 1.33

It has come to my attention that these dates are off somehow. Without getting into a detailed logistical discussion, suffice it to say that somehow I missed a day and combined some stuff into one day. This despite my accurate and detailed recollections on the back of a napkin that I saved for 9 months and then typed into this ridiculous blog. That is all right because it is my life and if I want to blur days together while they are happening or while I’m making the journal, I can do this. Also, nobody else reads this crap. How about this. Instead of saying that the chronological inaccuracies are a result of sloppiness or dramatic license, pretend that the actual events of these days are

So we leave Fort Sill (motto: “As Far As the Eye Can See, which is considerably far, this place still sucks”) late tonight. Our destination is Fort Benning, motto: “Home of Something, Something”. That is from a marching cadence I learned in infantry basic training. I can still hum it, but I can’t remember the words. That pretty much sums up the entire Army learning system.

First Sergeant: What are the eight things every soldier should know?
Sergeant: Uh…I can remember an acronym, first sergeant. SNILBOGO. Oh yeah and the song. (sings) “Here are eight things a soldier should know. SNILBOG and the last one’s ‘O'”
First Sergeant: Close enough. Good work, Sergeant. Now make sure your soldiers know.

Master Sergeant Williams was very disappointed with us tonight. Our bus was leaving for the airport at 2 AM. We were supposed to meet up at 130 to get everything straightened out. This would also allow time for the guys that had their weapons in the arms room to draw them out.

One soldier, we’ll call him “Spicoli”, decided not to show up. So we called him, around 135 AM. He was at a strip club with some of his newfound Air Force friends. SGT Cole yelled at him and told him to get back to base. We waited for him anxiously while MSG Williams paced back and forth.

He arrived about 215 AM, smelling of booze and hookers, and then he still had to draw his weapon and get on the bus. SGT Cole, SGT Poston and MSG Williams all yelled at him, but he was so drunk he just rolled his eyes like the kid at the end of Dazed and Confused does at the end of the movie.

A worried MSG Williams got on the bus before we were supposed to leave and told us to have a safe deployment, also try not to destroy any more bases like we did at Fort Sill. Also, if we had a chance, to enjoy Jello Pudding Pops.

I managed to leave my clothes in the dryer, losing a pair of ACU pants and a set of PTs, plus various socks, t-shirts and underwear. Total Value: $70. I realized this halfway to the airport. That pissed me off.

On the way, the NCOs (real ones – not corporals) gave a pep talk about how we had to stop screwing around. No more being late, going to strip clubs, having fun or driving the van through people’s lawns. We were elite warriors and we were going to act like it. Any questions?

I had one. “Doesn’t Master Sergeant Williams remind you of Bill Cosby?”

No More Questions

When we get to the airport, there are immediate problems, due to the amount of baggage that we have. There are 13 of us and each of us has an average of 5 checked bags. If the airport is prepared for 2 checked bags per person, that is 40 duffel bags too many. Now basic math and the fact that we’re taking a small plane will show that even if you follow the tactic of a certain NCO and:

1. Shout and Curse
2. Ask to speak to the manager
3. Shout and Curse at him
4. Lay a guilt-trip on airline employees, implying them of being anti-military, anti-American traitors who want the terrorists to win
and,
5. Offer to pay vast sums of money with your government travel card

All the bags will still not fit on the same plane as us. Browbeating the airline workers, who, I’ll admit, do sometimes need a kick in the ass, is not going to change anything, and is just going to give me a headache, and make me somewhat embarrassed to be wearing the same uniform as the certain NCO.

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