Days Rated: 146
Average Day: 1.54
Today was Easter Sunday. If you’re Catholic, like me, you believe that today was the day Jesus rose from the dead as a sign that he truly was the Son of God. If you’re some other kind of Christian, you probably believe something along those lines as well. If you’re another religion, well the Easter Bunny will still visit you if you’re good.
Traditionally, Easter has been a time to dress in your finest clothes and go to church. If you’re a woman of any age, this means a floral print dress and possibly a hat. Most girls don’t look really hot in a floral print dress, especially if they’re wearing white stockings. Also, relatives come to visit, and you eat ham. On Thanksgiving, there’s football to watch. On Christmas, there’s Shaq vs. Kobe. On Easter, all you get is preseason baseball, which is terrible.
Now, if you’re still reading this, you’ll see the problem. Easter is a magnificent day, a day that should be celebrated even more than the Fourth of July, Halloween and Thanksgiving combined. However, we celebrate it in a pussy way. Personally, I am glad that Jesus died for my sins, and even gladder that he kicked ass by rising from the dead, which is the original way to confound and triumph over your enemies.
Therefore, my new way to celebrate Easter will be with feasting, but on ribs and fried chicken because I don’t like ham, and getting really drunk. I don’t believe in suits on any day, and women will be prohibited from floral patterned dresses. Those who can pull it off should try something in a leopard skin print. Springtime, nature and all of that. However, there will be no orgies. This is a holy day, you perverts. In the spirit of Easter, Miller and I purchased a large quantity of gin and rum from the PX and drank it. I then charged through the hallways of the barracks finding other Catholics and accusing them of not celebrating the holiday properly unless they drank with us and participated in our Easter revelry. I haven’t been to church in ten years, but as you can tell, I consider myself a religious man.