Days Rated: 129
Average Day: 2.09
Keller isn’t really new. He’s been here for like 6 months or more. However, it is occasionally fun to tease him. Not all the time, because he gets mad, but today we tormented him successfully. We’re down in the team room, cleaning weapons again.
Coach: “Keller, what is the caliber of the 7.62 mm M240B machine gun?” (Note to non-Army folks – this is a trick question. The caliber is 7.62 mm.)
Keller: I don’t know… 308?
SGT Monson (Keller’s Team Leader): Holy crap, Keller. Do pushups while you think about the answer to that.
Keller (getting in pushup position): I hate you, Coach.
More and more people start coming into the room. I ask the question again for their benefit and amusement, and again Keller doesn’t realize that it’s a trick. I begin asking him other questions while he does pushups for SGT Monson and gets madder and madder.
Coach: What city do the Toronto Blue Jays play their home games in?
Keller: I’m not answering any of these questions. Stop trying to trick me.
Coach: There are Seven Army Values. How many Army Values are there?
Keller: Shut up!
Coach: Keller, what is your last name?
Finally SGT Monson lets him up and explains the trick to him. Keller is not amused. He’s actually a really smart guy, just super suspicious that we are messing with him. Which we were.
Afterwards, SGT Monson starts talking about his roommate Billy, who he apparently went to kindergarten with. Now that they are both in Alaska, they met up again and now they share an apartment. Ok. There’s a reason why every time anyone comes into our team room, they find me on the floor doing pushups. I’m getting smoked so much it’s like I’m a piece of furniture. There’s always a couch, a table, a desk, 4 chairs, and a grown man doing pushups on the floor. It’s because I can’t keep my mouth from making smart-ass comments even though this will cost me.
SGT Monson gets done telling this heartwarming story and the room is pretty quiet. Everything in my body screams for me not to say it. I know I shouldn’t say it. My buddies furiously shaking their heads and grinning know that I shouldn’t say it, but will anyway. I finally break down and say it.
Coach: Aw…that’s a touching story. Are you gay?
SGT Monson: Get down, and start knocking them out, Coach.
I have bad timing for this, as right then everyone gets released for the day. SGT Monson goes off to meet with his squad. I try to get up, but SGT Hunter makes me stay down while he briefs us. He releases the squad. I’m still down on the ground, for like twenty minutes. SGT Monson has apparently gone home for the day. Finally SGT Hunter yells upstairs and asks what should be done with me. SGT Monson, who’s on his way out the door, says that he forgot that I was still doing pushups.
“He’s not! He just got up!” the ever helpful Doe yells. It’s true. I thought it was safe to stand up.
“Who told you to get up?” SGT Monson yells back downstairs, and leaves. I do about ten more pushups while Doe dashes away giggling. I finally escape and run upstairs, catch Doe, and punch him vigorously in the kidneys. I hate jokers like him.