I can’t piss as ordered.

Above: SGT Uptegrove orders Coach (left) to urinate.

Today we had a drug test. Again. We will keep having these drug tests until everybody stops doing drugs. My greatest hope is that we will have a drug test every day and no work will be done. Preferably they could insert a catheter into my penis and I could lie in bed and play video games all day while they monitor me. Even better would be if they skipped the catheter all together.

Anyway, today there was some sort of work to be done. A detail. It didn’t sound too bad, but by general principle, I wanted to get out of it if I could. Well I helped matters by taking a leak right before the urine test. The test is secret until the last minute, and going to the bathroom is a typical part of most people’s morning routines.

Well, of course I did not need to go, so I sat down and started drinking water and goofing around. I realized that the platoon was supposed to leave at 800 and if I took long enough, they would leave without me. SGT Uptegrove came in and demanded that I urinate right that minute and “hurry up, because we have to leave soon” I told him that even though he is an NCO, he cannot command my bodily processes. If I don’t have to go, I cannot produce 50 mL of urine no matter how much he yells at me, any more than I could grow 3 inches or jump off the roof and start flying around. I didn’t actually say this, I just nodded and said I didn’t need to go. He told me to drink water. I drained my cup and got another. He told me that “I’d better start going”. I told him that if I got in line and couldn’t produce the adequate volume, the sergeant in charge would smoke me, so I was following their instructions and waiting until I really had to go. I drank another cup to show him that I meant business, and wanted badly to go on this work detail. He left.

Fennerty came in a few minutes later,glared at me, glanced at his watch, shook his head, gave me a dirty look, asked where SGT Uptegrove was, and left.

SGT Harris reappeared with a bottle of warm water and told me to drink it, that it would make me need to go faster. What it did was make me gag. Ever try to drink a cup of hot water first thing in the morning. I drank it anyway. Now I did have to go. But it was going to be a fight against the clock. People were showing up in BDUs with helmets in their hands. I needed to hold back the flow. I drank a cup of cold water this time, and crossed my legs. Finally, blessedly, everyone seemed to disappear. I leapt from my seat and announced that I had to urinate, IMMEDIATELY. I run to the bathroom, urine cup held over my head as the directions specify, followed closely by the designated meat gazer. I produce a sample of approximately 1780 mL. I return to the day room and scoop up my gear, only to come face to face with SGT Uptegrove who has been waiting with White to specially drive me out to the detail. Curses.

The detail ended up not being so bad. Our role involved guarding ammo, and later, empty cardboard ammo boxes. SGT Uptegrove was pretty nice to White and I, even when he ordered us to build a snowman. He slept most of the day, and we did not disturb him. One of us guarded the snowman and the ammo for a half hour while the other person slept, then we rotated. It was cold enough that I paced back and forth during my shifts, but not too bad. At one point, the medics wanted to run over the snowman with their Humvee, and we let them, then rebuilt it. We got back late, like 830, and got to skip PT tomorrow and come in at 930 am.


One thought on “I can’t piss as ordered.

  1. You are a total disgrace to the Army, the Infantry, and most of all your company. If I could go back in time I would make sure you suffered a debilitating accident in basic training to keep you out of my Army

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