Days Rated: 72
Average Day: 2.74
So today we’re waiting to ambush the “bad guys” (really another platoon playing opfor) when I see one of them walk right in front of me. I pop out of the bushes where I’m hiding and let Kinney have it with my machine gun. Brrrrrrrrap! You should have seen the look on his face when the rest of the squad popped out and blasted away at him and his buddy. He’s got giant eyebrows and they were like above his head, his eyes were so big. Then it turned out that they were not the opfor, they were just on their way to go to the bathroom. This did not please SSG Nolan and Capt. K.
I don’t consider this a war crime, however. After all, he was a uniformed soldier. Just because he was unarmed, I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to shoot him. More importantly, we discovered where the port-o-pots were. Last time they were near our campsite. This time they’re like a quarter of a mile away, down a treacherous hill. Now I have no problem going to the bathroom in the woods, but when it’s -10 and there’s 2 feet of snow…you have second thoughts. Someone asked Doc Amos, “Doc, if I don’t take a dump for five days, will they have to use the anal spoon on me or will I be ok?” Replied Doc: “That’s what I’m going to find out.” I don’t know whether there is an anal spoon or not, but they told us that there was in one of our safety briefs, in order to convince us to take craps in the wood like men.
When I was in reception, which is the place you go to inprocess into the United States Army, there was like 4 toilets and like a hundred dudes, so there was always someone going at the same time you were and someone standing outside and talking. Most people got used to this, but it made this one guy so nervous that he didn’t take a sh1t for 9 days. Yea, 9 days! He was a skinny guy, about 135 pounds and he ate regularly. I don’t know where he put it. After 6 or 7 days he went to sick call and they gave him laxatives. After 2 days more, he still couldn’t go, so they gave him more laxatives, and told him that they’d use the spoon on him if he didn’t cooperate. This must have scared it out of him and he took like 6 dumps that day.
Another funny story happens down at Fort Benning, where I was at RIP. (4 week class you need to complete before you go to Ranger Battalion) This kid, who’s here in Alaska now, but I won’t tell you his name because it might embarrass him, was doing jumping jacks (aka side straddle hops) next to me. One of the fun things they made you do at RIP was eat an MRE in like 6 minutes with no water, and then exercise you, in the hopes that someone would puke, or they could catch you not eating something and throw you out of the course. So this guy starts doing these tiny little jumping jacks and giving me weird looks. I look at him and he’s like “Dude, I think I sh1t my pants.” I laughed, but I couldn’t smell it. The cadre walks behind him though, and is like “Did someone literally sh1t their pants over here?”
He raises his hand and says “Yes sergeant, right here.”
The sergeant was like “You filthy private go upstairs and change your trousers”
Then he gave us all a 10 minute water break, so we raced to the barracks. Giving us a water break was something they did when they realized they were about to kill someone. We ran to the barracks, and found the guy in the bathroom. He was still taking an explosive dump like in “American Pie”, his poo-filled trousers were on the floor and the place smelled like something had died in there. Ten minutes were about up when the class leader, some jackass who’s name I don’t recall, came in and told him to hurry up. I said, “Hey man, he doesn’t even have pants on…let’s just the rest of us go outside and tell the cadre he’ll be right out.” After a brief discussion, this nimrod agreed that made more sense then breaking down the door and carrying him out, which I think was what he wanted to do. About 15 minutes later the guy came back downstairs wearing a change of pants. He was like “Dude, they literally smoked the sh1t out of me!”
A third poo story, (Wow, I’m really on a roll here) was in basic when we had a brigade run, about 3000 muldoons all jogging along behind some colonel. This tubby kid crapped his PT shorts and it went on the guys’ shoes behind him. Then he ran back to the barracks. The first sergeant came and found our drill sergeant and was like “Dang it, one of your men jus’ crapped all over the latrine. He naked, all his clothes is everywhere and there’s poo on the ceilin, the walls, you name it.” My drill sergeant said, horrified “The latrine in our bay?” And the first sergeant said, “No, by my office, the company latrine.” The drill sergeant was like “Ok, good.” because we had an inspection later that day. Then the drill sergeants told us not to make fun of him while we were all stretching. Basically the guys who didn’t see it happen all found out at that point, so now the whole company knew and we were all laughing so hard we were rolling around the pt field. He didn’t hear the end of that one for a long time.