Coach is Fooled.


above: I hate you, “Doe”.

Today: +4
Days Rated: 67
Average Day: 2.94

Ok, so today I had to jump. I didn’t have to do the squad competition though, so I got to wake up at a reasonable 6 AM, as opposed to an ungodly 3. I really couldn’t sleep at all though because I was nervous about the jump. So I stayed up until 230, playing Gameboy and computer. SGT Linck, who did have to do the competition returned at 230, and slept until his alarm rang at 3. Then he hit snooze twice, jumped up, grabbed his stuff and left by 330. That’s hardcore. I slept until 6, when I woke up, these poor frost-covered bastards were getting back after the ruck march portion, and putting on sneakers to run to the gym and do their bench press. The CO was watching this process and rubbing his hands with glee. He thinks nothing of a 15 mile Arctic run bright and early to start his day.

The jump was fairly uneventful. It was -18 F. That’s cold. I already described everything about what jumping is like up to the point where you go out the door in a prior update, so I won’t go through it again. I wasn’t as nervous this time, or praying very hard that it would scratch. I just wanted to get it over with so we could start the weekend. I was not able to undo the clip that holds my SAW to my leg, so I had to land with this monstrous gun strapped to me. You should have seen me desperately trying to get my fingers around the little clip as I sped to the ground. Luckily the snow was deep and I was unhurt. I packed up all my gear and prepared to move to the chute turn-in point and the busses. Of course, it never fails, due to my last name, I am always the last guy out the door. So I land the farthest from the turn-in point and have to walk like 2K not only with ruck, k-pot, LCE and weapon, but also a reserve parachute around my neck and a stupid kit bag with the parachute in it balanced on my shoulders. Because I landed in snow, it got on my gloves. Then I started moving and it melted, then started to freeze. My hands felt like they were going to fall off. I had to plead with SGT Lopez in a whiny little voice to take my combat mittens out because I couldn’t reach them without putting everything down. Lopez and I limped our way to the stupid turn in point and got bussed back eventually with a bunch of pogues.
“Pogues” stands for “Person Other than Grunt”. It’s sort of a derogatory term for people in the army who’s main job isn’t shooting bad guys and getting dirty. Infantrymen know when to keep quiet on the bus and when to be noisy like vikings. These guys were pissing us off because the ride back from the drop zone was like an hour and I just wanted to sleep but they kept howling, barking, singing and making all sorts of ridiculous racket.

When I got back, I saw the memo above under my door. We’d just had some briefing about not revealing sensitive information on blogs because the enemy could read them. I was tired from lack of sleep, and I went ahead and deleted my blog. I don’t reveal sensitive information, but if I couldn’t write about getting drunk, what’s the point? That’s like the only fun thing I do anyway. Fortunately, I kept a backup on my computer. I was showing Miller the memo and telling him, and he was like, “Coach, you know Doe and Lessard made that memo.” I looked at it, and it was like a light bulb went off in my head, and my finger was in the socket. I charged down to Doe’s room, bellowing and brandishing the memo. He saw me coming and locked the door. After death threats, he agreed to allow me to publish a half-naked picture of his girlfriend on the blog as a form of recompensation.

Some of you are probably thinking, how could Coach fall for such a thing?
1. It had my Social Security number on it
2. It looks exactly like a real Army memo, complete with inexplicable letters, and the dreaded CC: to the company commander. That was scary. I almost called him to tell him I took my blog down.
3. It’s just stupid enough to be from the Army. “FGs” will lower the price of booze. We need to conceal the drunkenness of the infantryman. Please.
4. I was really tired.
5. I know that if I got something like this, it probably wouldn’t be slipped under my door. However, since we got back from the jump like 6 hours after everyone was released, I figured they knew I was in mid-air and unreachable, and decided they wanted to go home and not wait for me.

This was definitely the prank of the year, even better than the time I filled out a counseling statement for Fennerty accusing him of Sodomy.

This night I also went out to Al’s with Brittnie and Harris. Brittnie said she was bringing two friends, and since I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out drinking with 3 girls, I asked if I could take SGT Harris, who was already drunk as hell. Brittnie said yes. This was going to be funny. Before we went out, Miller and Harris called me into their room. It was bizarre, they had an old episode of Knight Rider on the TV. They insisted I had to see something, but wouldn’t tell me what. Instead they made me wait for 16 minutes while Harris operated the remote control with the coordination of a very small child wearing mittens. I thought they were going to hit me over the head or something. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Finally, they got it queued up to the right point. They show a Firebird going off a cliff, but if you watch it in slow mo, you see that they send a Buick over the cliff instead. Great. 16 minutes of my life gone, with nothing to show for it.

Harris would not stop talking about Knight Rider to anyone who would listen. He will make you listen, whether you want to or not. “Hey! Hey! Hey! Coach! Coach! Listen! Listen! Hey, Listen!” This is how most of Harris’ storys’ start when he’s that drunk. Brittnie came to pick him up and he did not disappoint, he kept jabbering on about that show and Air Wolf. We both thought this was hilarious. We met up with her friends, one of whom was good looking and named Melody or something. Harris finally came to his senses around her and stopped talking about 80s TV shows.

That’s all I got for tonight. Long post, so only 1. Maybe tomorrow I put back the comments.

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