Weekends

Not a goddamn thing happened here for the last two days and that’s just the way I like my weekends. Relaxing, I worked a ton on the webpage, and I did a lot of writing too. Sometimes when you’re in the army, the first sergeant will walk through the barracks and if things are not to his liking, he’ll call a formation. Then you waste half of your weekend cleaning crap up or doing calisthenics. I hate this, because I don’t really make a mess. This isn’t college dorms, so when you come back late at night drunk, don’t trash the place. There’s two ways to avoid weekend work, as long as you’re not on some kind of emergency recall, in which case you’re screwed. 1. Pretend to be drunk. This works good if the guy didn’t show up for CQ and you’re the first door they come to. Take a quick gargle of beer, splash some on your shirt and give whoever’s at the door a big hug. Needless to say, you are now officially useless to the US Army. 2. Hide. It always appalls me that when they call these formations, people who are spending the weekend at their girlfriends house, or drunk at a motel are exempt. But if someone spent the weekend playing computer games, then they have to clean and get punished. But they never key into the rooms. Here’s what to do in the event you hear someone pounding on all the doors and yelling “Formation!” Remain silent. Don’t get out of your chair. If you’re in bed, don’t even move on your side because they’ll hear it squeak. Stop typing at your computer for a second. Sit very very still. Sometimes they’ll call your name and insist that they know you’re in there. They’re bluffing. It’s for this reason that I have no cell phone. If you have a car, even if they can see it outside, you could have gotten picked up by somebody. They don’t know. Once they leave the door, act quickly. The blinds should be already closed, but make sure. Turn out the lights. You’re now free to play games, read a book or surf the net. It may sound boring, but do you want to do hard pointless work? I’ve got a latrine in my room, but if you don’t, and you have to go real bad, take a leak in a bottle. Don’t leave the room, no matter what. Many times people think the coast is clear, because the noise is stopped and venture out into the hallway, only to find the reason everyone’s quiet is because they’re doing pushups. You’ve got enough water in your canteens to survive for days, and probably some food in the fridge too, even if it’s only ketchup or beef jerky. You can make it, buddy. If you have a roommate and he wants to go outside, remind him that this is madness. If he panics and bolts for the door, tackle him and hold a knife to his throat until he comes to his senses. If he’s whimpering or making noise, gag him with 100 mph tape, tie him with 550 cord and put him in a wall locker. He’ll thank you for it later, when everyone else is on a detail.

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