How Weapons Squad Is

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Coach and I am a machine gunner. I have a weapon known as the M240B. The M240B is a 7.62 mm belt-fed, fully automatic machine gun. It is 44 inches long, which is almost as tall as me. It weighs 27.6 pounds, which is roughly the size of my genitalia. Since I’m used to dealing with such weighty objects I was chosen to be the gunner. It is best operated with the help of my trusty gun crew (the gun, not my genitals). My assistant gunner is PFC Battaglia, and my ammo bearer is PFC Tucker. Picture having capable, intelligent assistants who pray every day that a Humvee runs you over so they get to carry the gun instead of a giant tripod, or tons of ammo. The other high speed gun team is PFC Nooney, gunner, and his crew PFC Clemmer and PV2 Bisson. We all serve under the wise leadership of SSG Nolan, the “Gun-Daddy”. There are also some other guys who hang out with us, PFC Matthews, the Javelin gunner, PFC Thompson, the radio guy, SPC Amos, the medic and PVT Egan, who does something, I’m not sure quite what, but I know he is the only one besides Sergeant Nolan who’s allowed to drive a Humvee. I will briefly stereotype everyone in weapons squad so that if you are making an action movie or a video game, you can portray us two-dimensionally and chose the appropriate actors. I (ex-CPL Coach) would be played by a young Danny DeVito. I’m an expert at avoiding work (shamurai), a starter of rumors and I know lots of jokes and funny stories. Battaglia is the only one besides SSG Nolan who’s married. Sometimes guys will hide at his house to avoid whatever nonsense is going on at the barracks. Sometimes Battaglia will hide in the barracks. We eat breakfast together every day. When he lived here, he’d occasionally prance around in a thong that looked like a Toucan beak in the front if you picture his package being the beak. Another one he has looks like a tuxedo. Hopefully there will be no more incidents like this. He has many crazy schemes. Tucker is a soft-spoken, slender young man who is turning Japanese. I really think so. Nooney is a hippie from Vermont, if you can imagine hippies that are angry and have machine guns. He has the best room, and a hot girlfriend. Clemmer is a giant tall guy with a bald head. He is the opposite of Samson. When he BICs his head, he becomes more powerful. He’s Tucker’s roommate and he’s quiet too. He has a truck that is a death trap. It is one of only two vehicles in the squad, the other being Battaglia’s metal militia pickup. Nooney may have a car, but if he does, I am not cool enough to ride in it. Matthews may have a car, but more likely it is rusting in a heap in the parking lot of our old barracks because he’s always playing World of Warcraft. Nothing works on Clemmer’s truck. The headlights go on and off of their own accord. The windshield wipers have only one speed: obscure vision. The seat is tilted back permanently at an angle that makes me have to hunch forward when I drive it, peering over the dashboard like a old man. But he lets me borrow it for the occasional PX run, so i’ll not say anything more about the truck, except that I’m very careful with it and always refuel at high personal expense. Bisson used to be really fat, then he lost 200 lbs and joined the Army. Even though i’ve only been here for 7 months and he’s been here for four, I will always think of him as the new guy. He’s quiet and has glasses, and today we threw snow on him. He once brought some girl into the barracks who threatened to stab the CQ runner. Matthews plays a lot of World of Warcraft and runs very very slowly. He’s the only one who has his EIB (Expert Infantry Badge) though, and that’s worth something. Good ol’ Matthews. I say that a lot. He is always getting screwed out of stuff. Like guys who joined the army at the same time he did are being made sergeants, and he’s still a PFC. Not really his fault though. Thompson is an expert shamurai himself, possibly better than me. He is frequently disappearing to take various “radio courses”. I don’t believe all of these courses are real, and I expect him to disappear completely one of these days. He has a hot girlfriend too. Egan is like 30 or more, but he looks a lot younger. He’s a good guy and he is probably the most normal of any of us. He likes normal things like drinking beer and watching sports, and doesn’t come up with crazy schemes. We think he’s CID. SPC Amos is the medic, and I’m not sure if he’s actually in our squad anymore. He’s probably the strongest guy in the company… the freaking medic. I saw him benching 295 for multiple, multiple reps. Finally, our leader SSG Nolan is the best squad leader in the company, probably the battalion. I’m not saying that to kiss ass, cause he doesn’t read this nonsense, but he really cares about all the guys in the squad. He had a chance to be a platoon sergeant in another company and he turned it down because he didn’t want to go if we couldn’t go with him. He invented the company store that made 2000 dollars in the first weekend. Our squad wants to win the Gun Team Contest on December 9 so that SSG Nolan will be proud of us. We will be training hard to make it happen. The other squads, aka “the weak ones” don’t stand a chance.

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