Took a urine test and a breathalyzer test for PT today. I called it. They said they were going to do a PAI, which is a “Personnel Accountability Inspection” (i think) where they look at your dog tags and ID cards to make sure that they aren’t paying people who never show up for duty. Don’t laugh. It happens. But we just had one of those PAIs, so I knew something was amiss, even in our unit, where we submit to various inspections all day long. Why else would they have first formation at 0510? So I called it. I don’t think anyone was scared about failing the urine test. I mean, maybe someone did, but most people are smart enough to realize that you will get drug tested periodically in the military, so they refrain from getting high.
The funny thing was there were a few cats who I knew were drinking until about midnight the night before, so they were a bit worried about the breathalyzer test. So they march us over to the post movie theater and we all sit down. Of course, everyone has just gone to the bathroom when they woke up, so no one needs to go. So they start giving us water. A few guys line up to take the test, and the rest of us just drink cup after cup of water. This is how dumb joe is: The following comments were overheard being made by Sergeant X. “Hey, men, when your cup is full of water, stop filling it. Don’t let the water splash on the floor.” and “Hey, you, don’t eat that (styrofoam) cup.” Also, we were told that we’d better not get in the line until we absolutely positively had to go, and then a few privates were run out of the bathroom and smoked, for failure to produce on demand. This encouraged us all to drink a few more cups and wait a little longer. Suddenly, about 90 minutes in, we all had to go at once. Now the line was full of dudes crossing their legs and jumping back and forth. And the civilians handling the paperwork seemed to be getting paid by the hour, because they were in no hurry whatsoever. Finally, I got to go in to take a whiz, which you literally had to do while some sergeant was watching your schlong. Then he asked me, hey, are those your initials? Haha, I have a PT shirt with my initials and last four on it. LCF 6660. Of course, those aren’t my initials and last four, they’re Satan’s. But I suddenly remembered that I had just given my last four to the tester and lest he think I was trying to do something shady, I said, “No, sergeant, this is my friend’s shirt.”